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    Struggling to move on 3 months after break up

    Asked Jun 23, 2009, 11:30 PM 19 Answers
    Hello,

    I dated a wonderful and amazing girl who I met while she was on exchange at my graduate school in the United States. We dated the entire school year, over the summer (although 2/3 of it was long distance), while I studied for one semester in the European country she is from, and several months into the next semester, when I returned to the U.S. and she remained in Europe. All in all, our relationship lasted about 19 months.

    She is younger than I am (22, whereas I am 25), and will be starting graduate school in the United States, although in a different city than where we met, and where I will be working this coming year, now that I have graduated.

    The break-up was a complete surprise to me, and came on the heels of a death in her family. The main reasons she has given me for the break up are as follows:

    1. She is uncertain about what she wants to do with her career, and where she wants to live (in Europe near her family, versus somewhere like the United States), and she feels that being with me complicates her decision because she cares so much about me.

    2. Although I never asked her to move to the city where I will be working, she doesn't feel like she is at an age to make that kind of move.

    3. She was worried that we would only be able to see each other once a month (which is true), and that sometimes she would be too busy with her studies, and that this type of relationship would strain her year at graduate school.

    I can't really argue with any of these reasons for breaking up, but I know that, at least as of a few weeks ago, we both loved each other very much.

    After the break up, I went into immediate NC mode, which was broken after about a week when we talked on the phone. From there, we agreed to email once a week, as we wanted to stay in touch with each other. That turned into emailing every day, like we did when we were dating--mostly due to the stress of her final exams in the spring, and her telling me how much she needed my support, and loved to get my emails. We would nearly always tell each other how much we missed each other, and about once a week or so, we would write I love you. We also started to text periodically, and have phone conversations about once a week. As I said, it was very similar to the content and frequency of our communication while we were dating. This entire process, which lasted for about 2 months, was a bit of a roller coaster for me, and I kept up with the emails because I honestly believed that I would feel worse with no communication. At the beginning of June, we agreed not to talk or email for one month, after she told me that she was missing me more and more everyday, and felt like our daily emails to each other were largely to blame.

    Which brings me to the present. I have no idea what kind of communication I should resume with her, if any, come the beginning of next month, and I am not sure how I should communicate with her when she comes back to the U.S. for school next year. While NC might be best for me to move on, I feel like remaining friends on some level is the only way that we would actually date again if circumstances allowed for it in the future.

    I've never had a break up that was due to timing and circumstance, as this one appears to be, and I can't help but think that if she decides to stay in the U.S. we would have a real chance of dating again. If anyone has any suggestions for me, they would be greatly appreciated.

    Thank you.

    Last edited by tiodaat; Jun 24, 2009 at 12:14 AM.
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    19 Answers
    kctiger's Avatar
    kctiger Posts: 3,652, Reputation: 1318
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    #2

    Jun 24, 2009, 06:39 AM

    Let's be honest here, you NEVER went NC. NEVER! You never gave it a chance and that is exactly the reason you are still here, now, wondering why you are having trouble getting over this, three months later. You can't just toss a phrase or philosophy around and by doing so, expect things to work.

    This is over, for now. Your being friends with her will not help your situation in my opinion. Making a judgement call on feelings is ordinarily a bad choice, and as long as you stay in contact and are stuck in the friends zone, you are going to have feelings for her. This is cheating you and her out of enjoying other opportunities.

    If it is meant to happen it will happen, friends or not. The call you need to make is decide whether it is worth it to live in limbo until one day she either tells you she met another guy, or that she wants you back. Is it worth it? Not to me...
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 51,660, Reputation: 10726
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    #3

    Jun 24, 2009, 10:52 AM

    https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ou-104998.html

    Is this the same girl from 2007? Or is this one different. I dare say the advice from this thread (all 13 merged into one) will be the same all over again.
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    tiodaat's Avatar
    tiodaat Posts: 91, Reputation: 8
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    #4

    Jun 24, 2009, 12:01 PM
    Thank you for the replies.

    This is a completely different girl than the one from 2007, and the relationship I had with this girl makes my time with the other girl in 2007 look like a small, wasted blip on the radar of my life.
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    jolienoire's Avatar
    jolienoire Posts: 917, Reputation: 166
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    #5

    Jun 24, 2009, 12:13 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by tiodaat View Post
    Thank you for the replies.

    This is a completely different girl than the one from 2007, and the relationship I had with this girl makes my time with the other girl in 2007 look like a small, wasted blip on the radar of my life.
    Seems you have a pattern with involving yourself with distant relationships, anyway you moved on from the 2007 issue, even though the girls are different the outcome is similar. You could still use the advice from the previous thread.
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    tiodaat's Avatar
    tiodaat Posts: 91, Reputation: 8
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    #6

    Jun 24, 2009, 12:18 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by jolienoire View Post
    seems you have a pattern with involving yourself with distant relationships, anyway you moved on from the 2007 issue, even though the girls are different the outcome is similar. You could still use the advice from the previous thread.
    I really don't see how the two girls are even remotely similar. One was a graduate student that was slightly older than me and lived in the same city as I do.

    The other was a younger, European woman who I traveled the world with and dated for more than 3x as long.
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    tiodaat's Avatar
    tiodaat Posts: 91, Reputation: 8
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    #7

    Jun 24, 2009, 12:35 PM
    I suppose my question can be boiled down to the following:

    Given the nature of my relationship with this girl, and our break up, would it be better for me to continue the month of NC that we've had, or for me to resume some form of communication, knowing that she will be thousands of miles away from me for at least the next year?
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    kctiger's Avatar
    kctiger Posts: 3,652, Reputation: 1318
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    #8

    Jun 24, 2009, 12:37 PM

    I would read my post again... that is my advice and I stick to it.
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    jolienoire's Avatar
    jolienoire Posts: 917, Reputation: 166
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    #9

    Jun 24, 2009, 12:39 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by tiodaat View Post
    I suppose my question can be boiled down to the following:

    Given the nature of my relationship with this girl, and our break up, would it be better for me to continue the month of NC that we've had, or for me to resume some form of communication, knowing that she will be thousands of miles away from me for at least the next year?
    It depends on if you can deal with communicating with her, with no expectations. Which I doubt because it makes your life much more complicated, and you feel obligated to be in constant contact. Eventually if you continue to contact her you will start to wonder what it all means.
    Again if you feel like you need to not contact go with your intuition, you are the only one who can make that decision, as you know all the details involved in your relationship.

    Me personally, unless I planned on hanging around for a person I wouldn't stay in contact until I was healed, but that is me. Some people can remain friends while others rather just go their separate ways.
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 51,660, Reputation: 10726
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    #10

    Jun 24, 2009, 12:56 PM

    You can't get over someone or even gain perspective on them until you leave them alone and stop keeping old feelings stirred up by contact with them.

    At the beginning of June, we agreed not to talk or email for one month, after she told me that she was missing me more and more everyday, and felt like our daily emails to each other were largely to blame.
    She is absolutely right, and you need to listen to her and leave her alone. She is trying to move on and so should you.
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    tiodaat's Avatar
    tiodaat Posts: 91, Reputation: 8
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    #11

    Jun 24, 2009, 01:01 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    You can't get over someone or even gain perspective on them until you leave them alone and stop keeping old feelings stirred up by contact with them.



    She is absolutely right, and you need to listen to her and leave her alone. She is trying to move on and so should you.
    I agree that the month of NC is what we should be doing, and we are.

    That said, I think that she is under the impression that we will start talking, or emailing, on some level, when this month of NC is up.

    If she doesn't want to talk with me, obviously I won't talk to her--but barring that, I am not sure what to do when this month is up and she sends me an email, or expects to get one from me.
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 51,660, Reputation: 10726
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    #12

    Jun 24, 2009, 05:05 PM

    If your doing the right things for yourself, you will have a better perspective in a month. You may find your happy with yourself and your life, and the options and opportunities you have without her. Or she may find that out for herself, and not contact you. We will see won't we.

    You aren't waiting for her permission to be happy, and enjoy yourself, are you?
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    tiodaat's Avatar
    tiodaat Posts: 91, Reputation: 8
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    #13

    Jun 24, 2009, 07:38 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    If your doing the right things for yourself, you will have a better perspective in a month. You may find your happy with yourself and your life, and the options and opportunities you have without her. Or she may find that out for herself, and not contact you. We will see won't we.

    You aren't waiting for her permission to be happy, and enjoy yourself, are you?
    I am doing best to move on, and certainly not waiting for her permission to do anything. The month of NC is almost up, though--only one week left.

    I suppose if she doesn't contact me, it will be a not so subtle way of letting me know that she has completely moved on, but it was implied when we started this NC that we would talk after the month was up, so I really don't see that happening.
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 51,660, Reputation: 10726
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    #14

    Jun 24, 2009, 08:32 PM

    You aren't moving on waiting on this talk, but I guess that's the only hope you have.
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    tiodaat's Avatar
    tiodaat Posts: 91, Reputation: 8
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    #15

    Jun 24, 2009, 08:35 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    You aren't moving on waiting on this talk, but I guess thats the only hope you have.
    I just know that the talk is coming, and I have no hope that it will mean a reconciliation, or anything along those lines for us. If that ever were to happen, it wouldn't be for at least a year from now.

    Before the talk does happen, I am trying to decide if I should tell her that I want to continue our NC, or if I want to try to keep things friendly with her, whatever that will mean.
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 51,660, Reputation: 10726
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    #16

    Jun 24, 2009, 09:28 PM

    A better idea is to get a life that you enjoy without her. If she calls fine, if not that's still fine.
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    Arzy99's Avatar
    Arzy99 Posts: 67, Reputation: 17
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    #17

    Jun 25, 2009, 06:02 AM

    Had to spread the rep Tal... You're putting all your hopes on one talk (which may/may not happen).. and in the mean time, you are not doing what you should be doing in NC. Take some time out just for yourself... re-discover who you are because right now emotions are flying. Your life is the most important thing to you - remember that... your happiness is number 1 priority. So, try and build a happy life with yourself... It takes some time, it doesn't happen instantaneously. In fact I'm in that process myself - currently in Africa teaching under-privileged kids... the experience is making me realise I don't need anyone to have satisfaction and fullfilment... try and do something, anything.. and do it just because you want to. You WILL realise how great life is... the sun will shine on your side again, don't worry!
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    tiodaat's Avatar
    tiodaat Posts: 91, Reputation: 8
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    #18

    Jun 25, 2009, 10:45 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Arzy99 View Post
    Had to spread the rep Tal... You're putting all your hopes on one talk (which may/may not happen).. and in the mean time, you are not doing what you should be doing in NC. Take some time out just for yourself ... re-discover who you are because right now emotions are flying. Your life is the most important thing to you - remember that ... your happiness is number 1 priority. So, try and build a happy life with yourself... It takes some time, it doesnt happen instantaneously. Infact I'm in that process myself - currently in Africa teaching under-privileged kids... the experience is making me realise I don't need anyone to have satisfaction and fullfilment... try and do something, anything.. and do it just 'cos you want to. You WILL realise how great life is ... the sun will shine on your side again, don't worry!!
    I don't understand why everyone is under the impression that I am pinning all my hopes on one talk--which I am not doing, at all. I know we are not going to get back together, whether we talk or not. There is absolutely no possibility that we would date again until she has finished the next year at school.

    I am just saying it's more likely than not that we will talk, and I am not sure if I should continue NC or if I should be friendly with her.
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 51,660, Reputation: 10726
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    #19

    Jun 25, 2009, 12:58 PM

    There is absolutely no possibility that we would date again until she has finished the next year at school.
    A lot can happen between now and then, in both your lives. I think everyone as I do feel like your putting your life on hold, and won't take advantages of the options and opportunities you may have, because your waiting for her.

    I am just saying it's more likely than not that we will talk, and I am not sure if I should continue NC or if I should be friendly with her.
    See, here's the thing about NC, its to heal and move on, because for sure being friendly can only distract you from your own pursuit of happiness.
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    Arzy99's Avatar
    Arzy99 Posts: 67, Reputation: 17
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    #20

    Jun 27, 2009, 06:47 AM

    Well said Tal...
    Tiodaat, at the end of a relationship (particularly after being in love with the person) I have learnt that there is no choice - if you want to heal you MUST go NC... if you want to suffer, continue being friendly with her and you will continue to hit that brick wall head first.
    The simple answer is - START no contact (I can't say continue, because you never started it properly in the first place)... and don't look back!
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