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    I struggle financially and my rich boyfriend won't help.

    Asked Aug 14, 2012, 03:21 PM ó 88 Answers
    I have been dating my boyfriend for 8 months and we have talked about a future together. The main issue is money. He makes a VERY good living and I am unemployed, desperately looking for a job. Before I met him I was married and my husband left me and my children and took everything including all our money and he also left me with a lot of pass due bills. I have been living off credit cards and going to the food bank to feed my children, my ex-husband gives me a little money but not enough to support me and our children. All of that aside, I struggle every month and have routinely had utilities turned off and I get notices everyday about my house being foreclose on.

    My problem is that my boyfriend watches me struggle and he has seen me cry because I can't feed my kids. His typical response to my money worries is "That must suck." I love him, but I don't understand why he doesn't offer to help. He is cheap naturally, but he does spend money on material things when he wants something, he even shows me his purchases and tells me how much they cost. I think that is rubbing his financial security in my face.

    I am finding that I'm starting to resent him based on the principal that if you love someone and you can help but refuse to is just being selfish. I don't know, the other day he was eating chips that I got from the food bank and he smiled a commented that food bank food is "gross". I also had a birthday recently and he got me a card and that was it, no present :( It hurt me... It could have been from the dollar store it was just that he had no thought to get my anything. Am I being wrong?

    Maybe I was just raised differently, his family had money, my family struggled, but that made me a very generous person... I even hand the homeless people outside of the food bank some of my food... I just can't watch someone suffer. I feel like he is watching me suffer and he obviously doesn't care. If you love someone how can you watch them spiral down. I want to be independent but I am having trouble finding a job that pays enough to pay for daycare so I can work... enough about that.

    Anyway, I'm at a crossroads... I've tried before to talk to him about this and he says he will help, but he never does and I'm not going to ask him, that is so degrading. I love him and want a life with him, but I don't know if I will get over my resentment even when I get on my feet.

    What should I do?

    Last edited by talaniman; Aug 14, 2012 at 04:03 PM.
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 51,664, Reputation: 10726
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    #2

    Aug 14, 2012, 04:07 PM
    What would you do if he wasn't rich, and couldn't help you? What are the child support laws where you live. How long have you been divorced?

    Are you having sex with this cheap guy?
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    TooHurt1953 Posts: 13, Reputation: 4
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    #3

    Aug 14, 2012, 04:34 PM
    He is a selfish creep who is using an already vulnerable mistreated woman.

    You are allowing yourself to be victimized once again.

    Dump the ******. Trust me, there are men out there who are caring individuals, and still have the chivalry to use the means they have to take care of a woman that they love. This man does not love you.

    You won't find these men when you are down, usually. Sad to say, but what makes a woman attractive is confidence. The tears and "poor me, please rescue me" will only draw the men who prey on this type of female.

    I am not a complete follower of the law of attraction, but in this instance it is true. Confidence and success attract the same in another person. An embattled and abused woman attracts an abuser. Abuse can take any form, including being selfish while watching another flounder and suffer. Get rid of this loser. He has some real issues, and he will NEVER have a generous heart. It is not ever going to happen. He is NOT for you.

    I suggest family, community resources, church, whatever you can find to bolster yourself esteem and help you with the basic needs until you can get on your own feet. Get legal aid, and go to your district attorney's office to file for child support. Don't be a doormat. Start fighting back. There are tons of shelters that specialize in helping single moms with children who have been abandoned, have no utilities and make low wages. Don't look for a man to rescue you right now. Look when you are more in control of your life, look your best, and are managing on your own. You want someone who admires you.
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    #4

    Aug 14, 2012, 04:42 PM
    I'm sorry, but I don't understand this. You've been dating for 8 months. Just because you're dating doesn't mean he's obligated to help you out. He's not responsible for your kids, or the roof over your head, or the water, or any of it. They're your responsibility.

    I know this sounds harsh, and I'm sorry for that, but I don't understand people that complain about money issues, yet don't work. I know the economy is bad in the US (I'm assuming that's where you are), but there are jobs if you are willing to work. They may not make you rich, they're not dream jobs, but you'd be providing for yourself and your children, at least a little bit.

    Bottom line, he's your boyfriend, not you husband, not the father of your children. He has no financial responsibility towards you, or your kids. The fact that you think he should offer to pitch in, that's not okay. Your ex should pitch in. Your ex should help support his children. The boyfriend? No.

    Since he does have money have you asked him for a loan? That's something you can do, but be prepared to pay it back, plus interest. Don't expect the money just because he has it and you don't.

    Good luck.
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    #5

    Aug 14, 2012, 05:34 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by sbvandi View Post
    I have been dating my boyfriend for 8 months and we have talked about a future together. ... Before I met him I was married and my husband left me and my children and took everything including all our money and he also left me with a lot of pass due bills. ... I think that is rubbing his financial security in my face. ... I also had a birthday recently and he got me a card and that was it, no present :( It hurt me...It could have been from the dollar store it was just that he had no thought to get my anything. Am I being wrong? ... Maybe I was just raised differently, his family had money, my family struggled, but that made me a very generous person...I even hand the homeless people outside of the food bank some of my food... If you love someone how can you watch them spiral down. I want to be independent but I am having trouble finding a job that pays enough to pay for daycare so I can work...enough about that.

    Well, this is going to be a VERY unpopular answer. The very heading of this turned me off - your "rich" boyfriend won't help? He's your boyfriend, not your husband. After eight months you are expecting him to finance your life and the lives of your children?

    Your resentment of his financial condition comes across loud and clear - yes, you're wrong. He is not your father or your husband.

    As far as not getting a birthday gift - maybe he's thoughtless. I don't know that that's a money issue.

    If you are handing people outside the food bank some of your food you need to accept less from the food bank. First, it's against the rules. Second, you are taking food out of the mouth of your children.

    If you don't get enough spousal support/child support from your "ex", then go back to Court and get it increased.

    I see not a word about this man's virtues. I see a lot about your resentment.

    This is not a healthy relationship - not at all. You need to stand on your own two feet and not ride on a man's coat tails.

    Again, sorry - but he's not Santa Claus.
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    #6

    Aug 14, 2012, 05:36 PM
    You need to handle your stuff. Who cares how much he makes, how cheap he is, what he does or doesn't show you. Your economical problems are YOURS, not his, and you need to handle them without seeing him as a scape goat who is not enabling to make your life easier. If you don't like him for who he is, then break up with him, but all these resentment talk is only an excuse, not to mention you are using him as an emotional crutch for YOUR monetary problems. Break up with the guy, use your time to concentrate on how to dig yourself from the hole that you are in on your own, and stop blaming other people for your problems, it is time for you to take responsibility of your situation.
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    #7

    Aug 14, 2012, 05:37 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by TooHurt1953 View Post
    He is a selfish creep who is using an already vulnerable mistreated woman.

    You are allowing yourself to be victimized once again.

    Dump the ******. Trust me, there are men out there who are caring individuals, and still have the chivalry to use the means they have to take care of a woman that they love. This man does not love you.

    Why is he a selfish creep? Because he doesn't want to support a woman and her children when he's been in their life eight months?

    I don't know that she was victimized the first time, either.

    You are confusing chivalry with money - they are two different things.

    Would I finance someone I'd known eight months? No. As you said, there are options available. This woman needs to tap into them.

    Alty has the best idea - ask for a loan WITH interest. He either says yes or no. I don't know what I would say.
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    #8

    Aug 14, 2012, 09:38 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by JudyKayTee View Post
    Why is he a selfish creep? Because he doesn't want to support a woman and her children when he's been in their life eight months?

    I don't know that she was victimized the first time, either.

    You are confusing chivalry with money - they are two different things.

    Would I finance someone I'd known eight months? No. As you said, there are options available. This woman needs to tap into them.

    Alty has the best idea - ask for a loan WITH interest. He either says yes or no. I don't know what I would say.
    I am taking her at her word that they are talking about a future together. Eight months is a fair amount of time. She obviously is looking to him as a future husband. I disagree with everyone. I cannot imagine being in a romantic relationship, talking about a future together, and charging her interest on a loan. Obviously my husband is cut from different cloth.
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    #9

    Aug 14, 2012, 10:10 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by TooHurt1953 View Post
    I am taking her at her word that they are talking about a future together. Eight months is a fair amount of time. She obviously is looking to him as a future husband. I disagree with everyone. I cannot imagine being in a romantic relationship, talking about a future together, and charging her interest on a loan. Obviously my husband is cut from different cloth.
    I was the one that suggested asking for a loan.

    You are taking her at her word that they have a future, despite the fact that she's thinking of breaking it off with him because he won't pay her bills and provide for her children?

    They're not married yet, so why should he have to pay for her bills, her kids, when neither one is his responsibility?

    If they do get married then at that point he's taken on her life, her kids, and yes, he should make sure that the water doesn't get shut off and there's food on the table, since he can afford it. But, even then it's not solely his responsibility, unlike the OP's situation, where it is solely her responsibility.

    She has two legs, two arms, and internet access, a computer, but can't afford to feed her kids? Sorry, I'm not very sympathetic. McDonalds is always hiring. There's no excuse to be sitting at home on the internet whining about not having a man to take care of her when she could be taking care of herself and the children she chose to bring into this world.
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    #10

    Aug 14, 2012, 10:34 PM
    Thank you for your comments they do help. The law in Washington is that my husband pays $385 for 3 kids, I can't change. I do receive maintenance from my ex but it is very little because I couldn't afford an attorney so the court went with a smaller amount. He should pay more considering he is living comfortably, but that's another story completely. I am in school to get my nursing degree and that takes up all my time, and if I quit I won't get my license so that is primarily why I haven't been able to get a job, and I have no daycare for the nights. What Im trying to say is I will get on my feet soon... I'm not just being lazy.

    My boyfriend is a caring person, I'm sorry if I didn't say that before out of frustration. We have a good relationship, but I am struggling with this issue because I almost feel like he is rubbing his wealth in my face when he knows I'm down. He said to me the other day after he saw me upset (about a bill, but I didn't specify) and he said, "look hun, I got my bonus for the quarter 120K." I smiled and was happy for him but it hurt me because that's like rubbing a steak in a hungry man's face. And this type of thing happens a lot. I just smile and tell him Im proud of him... I don't say anything to him.

    Another point I forgot to mention is he keeps saying he wants to grow old together and that would be nice. He's becoming more then a boyfriend and I just think that if we are pushing for this then why would he want to wait to help and watch me suffer if eventually we will be together anyway. He does make a good living and I will too after school. So I feel like if we are working toward a future then why do I have to suffer as we build our relationship. IDK...

    I would love him if he didn't make a lot of money, honestly that would be better because we would be on a similar plain. He just doesn't understand what its like to be poor, and I have tried to tell him to put himself in my position.

    Also I have asked for a loan with interest with a promissory note and he said his accountant said he couldn't for some reason and he left it at that.

    I know you guys think that Im wrong to resent him, and maybe that's not the right word, but I can see when we are married or whatever, that we will think of the past and I will remember when he shoved his financial security in my face and I will question why he sat back and watched me go through this.

    I haven't taken money from him or asked for any. I guess I'm old fashion or maybe Im generous but I don't get this. He even donated 5k to charity and then showed me his certificate. Again money that would get me on my feet until I finish school, but he didn't think of that. I would never sit back and watch someone that I love, someone who he wants to spend your life with and watch me fall.

    Also, a side note he doesn't live with me and he hasn't met my kids, I won't let that happen until we have a commitment.

    Any comment is helpful so if you disagree that's fine I encourage all input.

    Also another note: I go to school all day then clinical at night so I guess I could work at McDonald's in the middle of the night and not sleep. And I don't have internet I was using a computer at school during a break. So I don't sit on my butt then want to be taking care of. Besides he spends more money a day on colleague drinks and dinners then I even need.
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    #11

    Aug 15, 2012, 05:07 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by sbvandi View Post
    Also another note: I go to school all day then clinical at night so I guess I could work at McDonald's in the middle of the night and not sleep. And I don't have internet I was using a computer at school during a break. So I don't sit on my butt then want to be taking care of. Besides he spends more money a day on colleague drinks and dinners then I even need.

    - and this is the attitude that sums it all up.

    It's his money to spend as he wishes. As far as planning a future unless/until there is a ring on her finger it's all pretend.

    Why not petition for more support?
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    #12

    Aug 15, 2012, 05:12 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by TooHurt1953 View Post
    I am taking her at her word that they are talking about a future together. Eight months is a fair amount of time. She obviously is looking to him as a future husband. I disagree with everyone. I cannot imagine being in a romantic relationship, talking about a future together, and charging her interest on a loan. Obviously my husband is cut from different cloth.

    Perhaps your husband had no problems supporting you when you were bf/gf. That's a decision two people make together.

    I've dated men with money. I've dated men without money.

    No matter how tight my financial situation got I never allowed a man to support me nor did I ever ask for help.

    Money is the #1 cause of divorce. I cannot imagine what it would do to a relationship... and I never wanted anybody to own me. I think that's step #2 when a man to whom you are not married supports you.

    In the OP's case I have to wonder who else he dates, where else he is - I see nothing about him spending lavishly when they go "out" and I have to wonder why.
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    #13

    Aug 15, 2012, 07:19 AM
    I agree with what many people are saying here. It is not the responsibility of your boyfriend to support you and your kids from another marriage. Having said that, I honestly think the guy sounds at least a little insensitive. He doesn't have to give you money, but he doesn't have to flaunt the money he has. His comment about his bonus could just be him wanting you to be proud of him. It’s very possible he didn't even think about the other ways you might interpret it. His comment about the food bank being 'gross' however is rude when he knows that's what you and your kids are eating. On that topic, I understand your desire to help the homeless outside the food bank, however, that food needs to go to your kids.

    In my opinion, large amounts of money between two people that know each other personally is never a good idea. My guess is that he didn’t refuse the loan because he doesn’t want to help you out, but because he would be uncomfortable if things went south. If you did have trouble repaying the loan, it would kill your relationship right there.

    It sounds like you are working extremely hard and because of your work ethic, I think you will make it through. You have to focus on the help that you are getting (like the food bank) and on how to get more support from your ex, your community or government programs, not the help you think you’re entitled to from your boyfriend.
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    #14

    Aug 15, 2012, 07:26 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by backpack2389 View Post
    my guess is that he didnít refuse the loan because he doesnít want to help you out, but because he would be uncomfortable if things went south. if you did have trouble repaying the loan, it would kill your relationship right there.

    What did I miss? I didn't see that she asked him for a loan - but I'm going to re-read.
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    #15

    Aug 15, 2012, 08:54 AM
    If he isn't to your liking you break up with him. What else is there? Do you just want affirmation that he's a cheapskate, or what? I agree that he sounds insensitive. I wouldn't have stayed with him this long. If his good outweighs his bad, what can we say or do?
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    #16

    Aug 15, 2012, 09:23 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by joypulv View Post
    If he isn't to your liking you break up with him. What else is there? Do you just want affirmation that he's a cheapskate, or what? I agree that he sounds insensitive. I wouldn't have stayed with him this long. If his good outweighs his bad, what can we say or do?

    I don't see anything good about him being posted - I also don't know if he's married, separated, divorced, if their relationship is exclusive. I don't see them going out here or there and he "spends money on dinners but not on me personally," if you know what I mean. I see this guy dropping over. Posts like this are also why I recommend that children NOT be introduced to people unless/until the relationship is very stable.

    The title alone sums it up - "... my rich boyfriend ..."

    Personal note - when my husband died and I dated I cannot tell you how many people came right out and asked me for money, for loans, for gifts just because they were aware of his occupation and presumed/assumed I had inherited a whole bunch of money (assuming money comes in bunches).

    Once the poster gets passive/aggressive I lose a lot of interest: "I go to school all day then clinical at night so I guess I could work at McDonald's in the middle of the night and not sleep." Everyone here is searching for an answer, taking the time and answer, and we collectively get slapped with that attitude - ?

    OP isn't the first nor will she be the last to put her plans on hold because of family obligations. One of the members I respect very much went back to school later in life because she had other obligations and had to put her "dream" on hold.

    Welcome to the real World!

    Also, maybe the OP is sharing this guy's bed. Maybe it's platonic. I don't know. I do know that if you know someone well enough to be having sex with him you know him well enough to come right out and explain your situation and what you perceive to be his. For all I know the guy drives a Porsche and lives on his credit cards.

    He could also have some hangup which involves dating (or not dating) people who at the moment are his financial equal. I think we all have met men like that - they don't want equals, they want people to look up to them on any of several levels, including financial.
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    #17

    Aug 15, 2012, 09:55 AM
    Sorry,I see no good coming from this 8 month relationship at all because you have to many personal issues to work out on your own, and some very unrealistic expectations of him so soon, as well as he may indeed be an uncaring boob.

    Regardless of the high hopes, or resentments, the reality is you are on your own, and maybe don't need to be in a serious relationship at this time and should just be dating and
    Having fun instead of expecting a guy to bail you out of your hardship, and misery.

    For sure I think after just 8 months of dating you should not be viewing him as the knight in shining armor coming to rescue you in your time of need. Even thinking there is a future here is unrealistic, and despite good morals or social sense, its easy toresent a rich person whois not generous in the name of LOVE!!

    You want a more generous guy to date and willing to help his womn financially go get one because he ain't it. I mean how would he know its not his money and means that attracts you to him? I personally think its smart not to mix money and love this soon without a more solid commitment.

    Comments he makes aside its your own resentments you deal with, because we have no wayof knowing what he means by them, maybe he is a snob! Sorry you are going through this hardship, nothing to do with him really, but I suspect you are just getting started, and have a ways to go yet, not only with your own issues, but with this boyfriend.

    How long have you been divorced and on your own?
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    #18

    Aug 15, 2012, 10:19 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    How long have you been divorced and on your own?

    And I wonder about the ages of the children - and if it's time to go back and request support be re-examined. OP is obviously in school to make a better life for herself and her children (which in NY the "ex" would have to pay for in most cases), "shopping" in food pantries - have to wonder what the Divorce said.

    It's entirely possible OP really got taken.
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    #19

    Aug 15, 2012, 10:20 AM
    Again thanks for the comment they do help.To sum up a few question: He is divorced and he still completely supports his ex financially and he says he always will, that does say something about his integrity. And he hasn't met my children, we discussed that and I don't feel right about it until I do have a ring on my finger. I did get a little defensive about my schedule and working in the middle of the night. I can't quit school because I will lose all my grants and scholarships. I have six months until I graduate and then I already have a job lined up. I do give the homeless man that I see by the food bank a little bread from the two lofts I get, I figure I should still help people that are in a worse state then I am and a few slices of bread is not too much. I am a giving person and some of you don't understand this bit, but I believe in karma and I think I am doing the right thing with that. So maybe that will help.

    To sum things up after reading the posts I guess this all comes down to the fact that Im hurt. It hurts me when he throws his wealth in my face and when he makes insensitive comments about my financial situation. We are working toward a future together and when I get frustrated about my situation I look at it and I just don't understand it. Maybe its because my father supported my mother and I think of how good of a man he is to have done that. I agree we aren't married and he doesn't have to support me, or help a little. To clarify Im not asking him to support me completely, I just need a little help until I start my job. This is not his responsibility and I get that.

    As I've read the comments I think everyone thinks I'm trying to be a gold digger and that's not it. The real reason is that I feel that he is insensitive whether its intentional or not, which I don't think it is. I just don't understand how if he loves me so much, and he says he will do anything for me, then why is he watching me struggle and he doesn't help. He says he wants to help, but he never actually does. Is this because Im not being specific about what help I need. Maybe he just doesn't know how bad things are for me. I just see a future with him, and I guess I want it now (I always get ahead of myself).

    The real question I have is how do I not get hurt by his comments and how do I not get hurt by empty promises. I really need help with this, I don't know how to talk to him about this without seeming needy. Do I discuss my feelings and see what his intentions are or do I just wait. And how do I wait and know things will change and still have a good relationship with the stress Im under. I feel like my stress is hindering our future.

    Everyone, how to I stop feeling hurt? I don't want to feel this way anymore. And I know its effecting our relationship. Do I say to him to keep his comments to himself? I just don't get the insensitivity. Maybe he doesn't realize... idk. I just need help understanding. I do get hurt when he throws money around for things and I watch him do that and I think to myself, that five hundred dollars you spent on dinner for your colleagues could help me for two months, the 5k he gave to charity at an auction would put me in a situation where I could get out of my hole and be able to finish school, why is he giving a charity money when the person he loves so much could have her life change with that money. I don't say anything, I just smile and listen to him, but I have to be honest it does hurt that he doesn't see what that does to me. I take it that you all think I'm wrong and I don't what to be. Please continue to comment.

    Also I did get screwed in my divorce, but I can't go back, I tried and the judge said her decision was final. I agree my ex should be the one to support his kids but he's a bad person and he would rather spend his money on drinking with his friends then make sure his kids have food. He comments that there's food at his house so what's my problem. He brings home around 6k a month and he givens me 1500, which is not enough to pay for necessities where I live. I wish it would but I don't want to move my kids away to a cheaper area and make them leave their friends and switch schools especially when I will be able to squeak by soon.

    Also so you guys know he makes over 30k a month and my need is a few hundred
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    #20

    Aug 15, 2012, 10:42 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by sbvandi View Post
    And he hasn't met my children, we discussed that and I don't feel right about it until I do have a ring on my finger. .. I do give the homeless man that I see by the food bank a little bread from the two lofts I get, I figure I should still help people that are in a worse state then I am and a few slices of bread is not too much. I am a giving person and some of you dont understand this bit, but I believe in karma and I think I am doing the right thing with that. ... We are working toward a future together and when I get frustrated about my situation I look at it and I just don't understand it. ... I just don't understand how if he loves me so much, and he says he will do anything for me, then why is he watching me struggle and he doesn't help. ... Is this because Im not being specific about what help I need. Maybe he just doesn't know how bad things are for me. I just see a future with him, and I guess I want it now (I always get ahead of myself). ... The real question I have is how do I not get hurt by his comments and how do I not get hurt by empty promises. I really need help with this, I don't know how to talk to him about this without seeming needy. Do I discuss my feelings and see what his intentions are or do I just wait. And how do I wait and know things will change and still have a good relationship with the stress Im under. I feel like my stress is hindering our future. ... Everyone, how to I stop feeling hurt? I dont want to feel this way anymore. And I know its effecting our relationship. Do I say to him to keep his comments to himself? I just don't get the insensitivity. Maybe he doesn't realize...idk. I just need help understanding. I do get hurt when he throws money around for things and I watch him do that and I think to myself, that five hundred dollars you spent on dinner for your colleagues could help me for two months, the 5k he gave to charity at an auction would put me in a situation where I could get out of my hole and be able to finish school, why is he giving a charity money when the person he loves so much could have her life change with that money. I don't say anything, I just smile and listen to him, but I have to be honest it does hurt that he doesn't see what that does to me. I take it that you all think I'm wrong and I don't what to be. Please continue to comment.

    I've edited your answer - I hope you don't mind.

    Let me address a couple of things - you are talking about a future together but he hasn't met your children. Have you met his? When he is giving money for charity dinners (or whatever else) are you going to the events with him? I still don't see you saying, "We went out to dinner and he spent $200 and I could have used that money to pay the gas bill."

    The only way to get resolution is to be specific - maybe he doesn't know. Maybe he doesn't care. Maybe he's a jerk. There's one way to know. Ask him if he can help you with something specific. At some point you have to stop smiling and hurting. My first concern is that you are putting on a false face for some reason. My other concern is that I don't see you involved in his life. Is this platonic? Sexual? Something else? I hesitate to ask - but do you go out together, meet somewhere, something else? I don't want to make you feel worse but it's summer. Where do the two of you go on dates?

    He may give to charity because he's a person who likes to flash his money, who thinks money buys respect. It's called shallow.

    I think it's too soon in the relationship to have any expectations - I truly do.

    Having said this, I married my late husband 7 weeks after I met him. Sometimes it does work.

    EDIT: I wasn't going to add this but I will. When I met my late husband I was working a full-time job and two part-time jobs (my dog was sick and I needed the second part-time job to pay her Vet bills). After the first couple of weeks he offered to give me money to get me "caught up." I could not have been more offended. On our first date he paid for dinner. We then went to a coffee shop, just to talk, and I paid for the coffee. He said that that had never happened to him before - apparently women are happy to be the "guest" but not the "host."

    And I did none of this to set him up for anything - it was just important to me to keep my independence and self direction. I never wanted anyone to think I was using him.
    Helpful (1)

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