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    Straight guy in love with straight guy.

    Asked Apr 4, 2012, 10:35 PM 25 Answers
    I am 23 years old. The guy whom I'm in love with is also 23. We both are straight. It might sound odd or crazy but yes. I never felt any attraction to any other guy neither did he except for each other. Now this whole thing has become so complicated for me, I can't stand it, I don't know what to do.

    I met him 6 years ago. I met him at a time when I had no friends. People always assume I am a loner and arrogant. I also wanted to hang out with friends, have fun and all. He was in love with a girl (deeply) but it was one sided.
    We met. We both were completely different. I was introvert and he an extrovert. He is everything that I wasn't, everything that I always wanted to become. He is smart, handsome, muscular etc. Instantaneously we became every good friends. Any day if he got absent to class my head would feel like bursting. We were 17 then. He felt the same.

    One day something happened and I hit him and he didn't resist. That whole thing made me crazy. I was feeling things I never felt before. I guess he did feel it. We kissed. It became a routine. We would always sneak out and kiss. All this time he maintained that he loved his girlfriend. I stopped noticing anyone. For me only he exited in this entire world.

    One day we had sex. Then lots of it followed. For like 2 years. I said to him I love you. He said the same but added that he loved his girlfriend more. His girlfriend moved on. We went to separate colleges. But we always chatted on phone. Once in like 4 months we met. We had sex. I said I love you.

    But it changed. His replies became I love you too, but as a friend. He made it no secret that he is trying to get a girlfriend. This continued for another 2 years. In this time I had fallen in love with him so much that even I didn't understand how it happened despite everything he said.

    Then one day he said he doesn't wants to touch me anymore. He doesn't likes it. It broke me down. He started ignoring me big time. I cried I yelled but nothing. He said all he wanted was me to be his best friend.

    The pain was so much I decided to not to talk to him. I could stop myself only for 2 months. When I called him, he said he missed me sincerely and he never wanted me to go away again but he didn't love me and that can never happen. I accepted. Another 2 years passed with me crying and craving for him every day.

    Any day he would laugh on the phone or say something nice it would make me again more miserable and set my hopes high that someday he will see that he loves me. But anytime I brought this topic up he would say the same. He also said that his friends tease him of having gay relationship with me so he stopped meeting me in front of his friends.

    Now that I look upon my life all I see a void. I haven't moved any step further in my life for 6 years. It feels like I am stuck and will be stuck there forever. The pain is excruciating. I hoped all these years that one day he will say I love you for true. I had absolutely no problem with him going out with any girl (maybe a little and that's something no one can help). But all my waiting and praying and crying hasn't gone any further.

    People say that if your love is true, and you have faith, then that person will surely understand and there will be a happy ending. But it never happened in my case.

    I talked to him 2 days back and he said that he never wanted me to go away and be his best friend for life but he can never love me. He wants a go, and he is afraid of gay people.

    It hurts very much. I can also never go away with him. This whole thought of how he is or is he in any problem or if he still breathing drives me crazy. I had tried staying away from him for 2 months but that was as far as I could manage.

    Please any advice on what to do. I will be truly grateful. I really need some help now.

    Last edited by talaniman; Apr 6, 2012 at 04:30 PM.
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    25 Answers
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,722, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #2

    Apr 5, 2012, 06:27 AM
    It is very sad that you are hanging onto hope and a prayer that this will somehow work out in a healthy way for you.

    What started as possibilities with him, have all turned into dead ends. You are now left with clear boundaries that have changed the relationship, and he has made decisions about his life, and his relationship with you. The way I see it, this is no longer about him.

    Relationships change for many reasons, and when something significant happens and the relationship is essentially over, it is time to pick up the pieces and move on.

    I get the impression that you still make yourself available to him, and have a hard time saying no. I think it is safe to say that no matter how many times you say yes, you are still going to end up in the same place.

    The relationship, as it was, no longer exists.

    We have all been in relationships where love blinded us, and when the real truth of a person finally came out, it was next to impossible to believe. Or believe that love alone will save the day, or that things will change back to the way they were.

    That your boyfriend obviously has some confusion over his sexual orientation, is not your problem. It is not up to you to wait until he figures things out, and becomes a person of any identity, that can maintain a healthy loving relationship.

    Love isn't what you say, it is what you do. He is doing nothing to indicate a loving relationship with you.

    I hope you find the courage to see that he is not a good friend, and not a good prospect for a serious relationship.
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 51,762, Reputation: 10741
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    #3

    Apr 5, 2012, 09:57 PM
    Gay, straight, or bi, or whatever you wish to be, when you get dumped you disappear, and mourn the loss, heal, and rebuild your life. It starts with cutting the contact, all of it.

    After all you have been through, it will likely be a long while before you are over this enough to be healthy, and confident, so be patient with yourself, and your pain. Eventually though you will be okay.
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    ha2oon's Avatar
    ha2oon Posts: 12, Reputation: -1
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    #4

    Apr 5, 2012, 10:18 PM
    Man up man!!
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    fairytail's Avatar
    fairytail Posts: 17, Reputation: 3
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    #5

    Apr 6, 2012, 12:21 PM
    I really appreciate you guys advice.thank you very much...
    Also its strange but I can see that my original post is somewhat modified (small chages but still like I wrote praying and its now changed to partying).please don't do it.I wanted advice so I posted this.people won't understand if whoever is making these stupid changes continues.so stop.
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    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,506, Reputation: 4594
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    #6

    Apr 6, 2012, 02:31 PM
    I don't know that classifications matter BUT you had sex with another man? You are most definitely not straight. Gay, perhaps. Bi, perhaps. Straight? No.
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 51,762, Reputation: 10741
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    #7

    Apr 6, 2012, 04:28 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by fairytail View Post
    i really appreciate u guys advice.thank u very much...
    also its strange but i can see that my original post is somewhat modified (small chages but still like i wrote praying and its now changed to partying).please dont do it.i wanted advice so i posted this.people wont understand if whoever is making these stupid changes continues.so stop.
    Then go back and make your own changes because had you spelled praying correctly, then a guess would not be neccesary. A few periods and proper spacing would be nice also, so maybe do your thoughts in WORD, and edited out your own stupid mistakes.

    Correction done.
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    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 80,628, Reputation: 7627
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    #8

    Apr 6, 2012, 04:43 PM


    There are some auto spell check in the system, when words are misspelled, the system tries to correct it the best it can.

    But with that, no you are not straight and they are not straight, men who are straight do not want nor do they have sex with other men. You are either gay or gi

    With that said, you need to know and accept when it is over and move on to another relationship.
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    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,813, Reputation: 6029
    Computer Expert and Renaissance Man
     
    #9

    Apr 6, 2012, 05:05 PM


    Quote Originally Posted by fairytail View Post
    i really appreciate u guys advice.thank u very much...
    also its strange but i can see that my original post is somewhat modified (small chages but still like i wrote praying and its now changed to partying).please dont do it.i wanted advice so i posted this.people wont understand if whoever is making these stupid changes continues.so stop.
    You need to understand the rules of this site. One of those rules is that we don't allow using text abbreviations. We reserve the right (a right you agreed to when joining) to edit posts to make them more understandable and readable. If a mistake is made in doing so, please use the Report link and tell us what is wrong and it will be corrected. But it will not stop. If you don't want your posts corrected then proof read your posts before you submit them. Make sure you don't use text speak, use proper grammar and punctuation and spelling. Then we won't have to edit your posts.
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    fairytail's Avatar
    fairytail Posts: 17, Reputation: 3
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    #10

    Apr 6, 2012, 11:36 PM
    @all: sometimes you fall in love with a person and not their genitilia... its not about putting a tag on yourself to define wheather you are gay or bi or straight... there are things more than that and above that...
    Well thanks anyway...

    And also I am not haing any identity crisis neither do I need any status quo... all I needed was some advice on my next course of action... it will be very helpful to me...
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 51,762, Reputation: 10741
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    #11

    Apr 7, 2012, 12:37 AM
    Leave the bi guy who is on the down low alone. He will hurt you. In fact he has and you are still stuck 6 years later. Time to let go and heal so you can have a healthy relationship with a partner who wants you.
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    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,813, Reputation: 6029
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    #12

    Apr 7, 2012, 05:32 AM


    Quote Originally Posted by fairytail View Post
    @all: sometimes you fall in love with a person and not their genitilia.....its not about putting a tag on yourself to define wheather you are gay or bi or straight.....
    Sorry but I disagree to a large extent. Yes you can fall in love with a person, Its called friendship. But if you wish to extend that friendship to a sexual relationship then you need to define to yourself, at least, your sexual orientation. A straight person is not physically attracted to someone of the same sex. If they are, then they aren't straight, end of story.

    As for what you do next... If the person does not want the same relationship you do, then you move on.
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    lowlowfroggy's Avatar
    lowlowfroggy Posts: 14, Reputation: 4
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    #13

    Apr 29, 2012, 08:16 AM
    Wow, what a neat post. Boy do I have something to tell you, you are surely not alone in this world. I lived the same life. Dang I wish I could call you because there is so much to type and so many answers I can give you.
    Anyhow,I was with a guy who was married at one time, still visted his ex-wife and kids. He loved to chased girls to have sex but low-and-behold, he and I were a team forr 7 years. But here comes the hard spot, its just a "faze" some people go through. Your friend went through a "faze" and you have not. I still love him and he just likes me. We only talk or hangout if I go over there. It is totally one sided. You can not change the past and neither can he, but he is changing the future and your holdong onto the past... and so am I. Just to inform you, your feeling will not change for him, but his will change toward you. He was your first "true" love and he did everything that made you happy. I can bet just seeing him made you excite. I can bet the just hearing his name made you happy. I can bet when called you got excited and you knew he loved you. I can bet that if he asked you to wash his clothes, or go out of your way to do something for him... you would. Cause making him happy made you happy... correct?
    Just keep you head up, as far as I know from my experience... it is strickly friendship now, so do don't ruin it by trying to make it into something it is not. Keep him close because he is your friend. You don't want to push him away.
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    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,506, Reputation: 4594
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    #14

    Apr 29, 2012, 09:32 AM
    lowlowfroggy, what a great post, thought provoking, a whole new spin on things.

    I admire your frankness. Please stick around AMHD.
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    realitypolice's Avatar
    realitypolice Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Jun 2, 2012, 01:01 AM
    Oi, oi, is everyone in this thread forgetting about pansexuals?
    Everyone's arguing about bi vs gay vs straight, and you guys forgot about what sexuality fits this case the most.

    But anyway, you need to get over this guy. He's not a healthy part of your life, at all. Any guy who dumps anyone in such a brutal fashion is obviously not a great choice in partners. I mean, he's not blind, he probably knows how much you love him- and yet. If he's not even talking to you around his friends, it's time to pack up your emotional baggage and move on. He's not interested. He's hurting you like a cancer.

    So my advice to you is this- ditch his number. Burn all photos. Erase all emails. Do everything you can to forget about him. Because this is not going to go anywhere that ends with everyone walking away happy.
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    ILYme4eva1's Avatar
    ILYme4eva1 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Jun 2, 2012, 08:53 AM
    as much as you are still in love with him, years have passed and you need to live your life. There are so many men out in the world that are just waiting for you to come along just imgine that. A guy who is in the same situation as you are now, you meet him and both your lives instantly change and finally you have someone you can say I love you to and get the same reply forever as long as you may live. I know it's hard for you to imagine right now, but have faith you will make it through. I'm a girl and I had a major crush on a really cute guy I met at a party, we were instantly friends and we talked and stayed up all night when he came to my place. One night we kissed and experimented, if you like, it was great and we really loved each other and then one day, a random girl from nowhwere came along and ate him up leaving me in ruins. We stayed friends but afterwards we started arguing and fighting. I felt so bad so I tried ringing him but he completely ignored me I was in tears. That was 1 year ago I haven't seen him since. But 1 year has past and I'm happy with someone new in my life. So keep on smiling because there's somebody out there just waiting for you now. :]
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    fairytail's Avatar
    fairytail Posts: 17, Reputation: 3
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    #17

    Jun 16, 2012, 12:45 PM
    Thanku... this is exactly what I have been trying to do for past sometime now because its just impossible to let go but its trulyvery difficult.I can see the drift,the distance that he is carving out of this relationship,trying to push me away so that I can be stable again but I hate it... but like you said thers no other way

    @ILYme4iva1: its great that you found someone to move on... I am waiting for a hopeful future... yes I'm trying my level best to cut my contacts with me but you see he is the only one person in this world tiil now around whom I can truly be myself.. but still I'm trying... I think he is also trying to help by avioding me... I have managed to not call or message him for 2 days... lets hope it all ends well
    Thanks I really appreciate you guys for showing the right path...
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    fairytail's Avatar
    fairytail Posts: 17, Reputation: 3
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    #18

    Aug 3, 2012, 04:44 AM
    Hey, the guy with whom I was in love with told me yesterday " i love u " and also added " to not think about it so much "... as far as I am concerned , this used to be my dream something that I always wanted.. but in the past... all I can say is I am not elated or superexicted about this... yes I am happy but I feel normal... please can you people throw some light here about what he might have meant and how should I go with it? Please reply.
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    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,506, Reputation: 4594
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    #19

    Aug 3, 2012, 05:00 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by fairytail View Post
    hey, the guy with whom i was in love with told me yesterday " i love u " and also added " to not think about it so much "....as far as i am concerned , this used to be my dream something that i always wanted..but in the past...all i can say is i am not elated or superexicted about this...yes i am happy but i feel normal....please can you people throw some light here about what he might have meant and how should i go with it? please reply.

    Do you tend to over think and over explore and over discuss?
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 51,762, Reputation: 10741
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    #20

    Aug 3, 2012, 12:16 PM
    " i love u " and also added " to not think about it so much "...
    He did it to keep you stirred up, because he knew you would be, and he could. No work was required on his part, so his words are MEANINGLESS.
    Helpful (1)

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