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veryhurt · Aug 1, 2009, 03:42 PM

I have been with my boyfriend for 11 years now and although it has been shaky since day 1 , we seem to have a bond that's so indescribable. He has cheated several times and I always forgive him (never forget though) . I live with the guilt that I pushed him to cheat because I am so clingy and want so much attention. He has became so verbally abusive over the years, I have lost all myself esteem and he has texting the same individual for awhile now, when I ask about it he claims she won't leave him alone and for some silly reason I always believe him. I did confront her and she just says she didn't find out about me until sifter, after what? She says she don't want him I'm 31 and to old for this I want so much more. This depression stopped my life. He is a great liar. I feel so stupid. I have no family or close friends . Its just me and unfortunately him. I don't know how it got like this and not sure what to do. I start counseling soon. Never been on my own away from him. I'm so depressed that I can't recall the last time I was genuinely happy. What should I do and how? Desperately in need of clarity.

N0help4u · Aug 1, 2009, 03:47 PM

So you have a problem with being clingy that gives him TWO options live with it OR break up with you NOT cheat! He is using your problem to HIS advantage. Don't fall into the trap of blaming yourself.
Sounds like you need to kick him to the dust and go to counseling and start fresh without him.

You are confused because you are trying to fit your guilt into his fault and make an excuse for him. Until you learn how to cope with your codependencies you are going to feel this way.

Gemini54 · Aug 1, 2009, 08:37 PM

I don't understand how you can believe that there is:

a bond that's so indescribable.

The relationship has been shaky from the start.
Your BF cheats on you and then blames you for his cheating.
He verbally abuses you and lies to you.

If you're 31 now and you've been with him for 11 years then you really know nothing else and are clinging desperately to a relationship that is unhealthy, abusive and utterly destructive to your sense of self worth. You can have NO idea of what a healthy bond is in a relationship because you have never known anything else.

In the end it is you who chooses to stay and be treated in this way, but you can choose differently. The only thing that is stopping you is fear. Try and take a different perspective - instead of thinking that you're alone and can't leave this awful relationship - think about who you might meet and what opportunities might be open to you, if you were to leave.

Think about how differently you will feel once you've disconnected yourself from this toxic connection and can look forward to a happy, optimistic, confident life.

It won't be easy but it can be done!

It's really good to hear that you're going to counseling - the sooner the better so that you can begin to sort out this unhealthy dynamic that you've created.

fornow · Aug 2, 2009, 03:17 PM

Google this site, 'santuary for the abused' it lists all the characteristcs of abusive relationships, - yours falls into this catagoy and it is very informative and tells you why you stay, how they erode yourself esteem making you 'clingy' and how to gathe the emotional strength to leave. You are unwittingly in a sort of hostage situation and he is your jailer... check it out.. he is probabvly a cruel sadist, or narcissist or has a personality disorder which compels him to treat anyone he is with contmept... you have just got used to being his whipping gal... resulting in low self esteem, taking the blame for his bad behaviour... its a vicious circle and is very dangerous to your mental health, very dangerous... _ I have just got out of a similar relationship of 3 years and am slowly trying to re build myself esteem after 3 years of daily cronic verbal abuse... you must get out... love and good luck.. keep trying, learn to love yourself...

N0help4u · Aug 2, 2009, 03:35 PM

Originally Posted by fornow

google this site, 'santuary for the abused' it lists all the characteristcs of abusive relationships, - yours falls into this catagoy and it is very informative and tells you why you stay, how they erode your self esteem making you 'clingy' and how to gathe the emotional strength to leave. You are unwittingly in a sort of hostage situation and he is your jailer...check it out..he is probabvly a cruel sadist, or narcissist or has a personality disorder which compels him to treat anyone he is with with contmept...you have just got used to being his whipping gal...resulting in low self esteem, taking the blame for his bad behaviour ...its a vicious circle and is very dangerous to your mental health, very dangerous..._ I have just got out of a similar relationship of 3 years and am slowly trying to re build my self esteem after 3 years of daily cronic verbal abuse....you must get out....love and good luck..keep trying, learn to love yourself....

Yep it is a vicious progressive cycle

Stop making excuses to justify your wrongs.
You have to work together or fall apart

talaniman · Aug 2, 2009, 07:49 PM

I think you need to drop him, and work on getting a life that makes you happy to be honest. This relationship is toxic, and abusive, and since you know your not happy (or healthy emotionally) its time to go. You should have been gone, when the cheating, and abuse started.

zippit · Aug 2, 2009, 08:01 PM

I think the term "she's too clingy" was made up by guys like this,if you really love you'r partner wouldn't her being clingy just fit into the realationship.my wife has her clingy times and it can on rare occasions get annoying but for the most part I find it flattering.
He needs the counseling