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    giggle_monster's Avatar
    giggle_monster Posts: 84, Reputation: 0
    Junior Member
     
    #1

    Dec 9, 2018, 10:27 PM
    Slightly confused and needing advice
    So I met this guy officially in person on Oct. 25. We got introduced on a dating website/ app called MeetMe. Heís very sweet and real because once again Iíve met him in person. We had our first date a couple days after that. When he took me home he said he wanted to take things slow. Then a few days after our first date I stayed the night at his house. We cuddled up and went to sleep together. We did that basically once a week. Then a few days ago (Thursday 12/6) he told me he wanted things to be casual and to not get attached to him and That Iím not allowed to tell him I love him. The problem is I think Iíve already got attached to him. Because we fallen asleep together all cuddled up several times (sometimes for long periods like more than nine hours), shared past childhood memories good and bad, met most of his family, heís bought me stuff that Iíve needed and stuff I didnít need but got it for me anyway, and weíve sent good morning and goodnight text to each other every night since we met (sometimes with the kissy emoji), and when Iím having a crappy day he tries to brighten. In the beginning he even sent me pictures of flowers. Idk what to do? I looked online on what casual relationships means to guys and basically most of them said friends with benefits type relationship. I mean if he wanted that type of relationship then why would he have me meet his family or why would he want to meet mine? Or have me spend the night and fall asleep together cuddled up? Can someone give me some advice on how to talk to him without pushing him away or getting myself hurt too much?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,885, Reputation: 10852
    Expert
     
    #2

    Dec 10, 2018, 05:27 AM
    I'm surprised that you did not set some boundaries when he first told you he wanted to go slow, and keep it casual. You seem to have run head first with the warm and fuzzy feelings and of course you have grown attached as most people do when they spend so much time in intimate setting and doing intimate things together. He probably has too. Strangers tend to go with the flow when they become comfortable with each other. That's not confusing, but rather natural when dating. It's also natural to move too fast and get too attached that you ignore the obvious, and slow yourself down and find the level of communications that gives you both guidance and knowledge, not just what's on his mind but yours too and the fear you have of being to attached, and he may not be as attached is a valid place to start that honest communication.

    Thing is that if you're more worried about pushing him away than exploring if you can have that so important honest communications, then you are afraid of the wrong thing, and will never know his true feelings beyond assuming, presuming and hurting YOURSELF. Just because the dates are great and the cuddling divine doesn't mean you can talk and listen to each other, and from what you wrote, you are at the point to let go of the fear of what COULD happen and find out what IS really happening between you. Is it friends with benefits as you say, or can something be built beyond the comfortable with each other and the cuddling?

    Back up, slow down and take the time to find out before you lose yourself in the good feelings. If he cannot handle your honesty, then cuddly stuff means nothing right? If your afraid of sad, hurt feelings then why date in the first place, because that's ALWAYS a risk when two people meet. Its barely a few months any way and there is a huge amount to learn yet... about him... and YOURSELF.

    Enjoy the learning experience but be smart. Yeah I'm a guy, and casual is always the first thing from my mouth when I date a new girl, and that was before meeting girls on the Internet. Obviously I was born too soon. Let me ask a bit about YOU if you don't mind, like your age and past dating experiences, and if this was your first internet date? Do you work, and are you independent from your parents? Got friends and a great social life?

    You do know that casual doesn't just mean FWBs, but also the freedom to meet, greet, and date others don't you? I guess it goes back to those PERSONAL boundaries I started with, as guys, (And women no doubt) will push them as far as you let them. Always have the COURAGE to stay with your own definition of YOUR dignity and self respect and have no fear of dealing with your own feelings.

    Questions?
    giggle_monster's Avatar
    giggle_monster Posts: 84, Reputation: 0
    Junior Member
     
    #3

    Dec 10, 2018, 08:02 AM
    Iím 25 now. Most of the guys were asswholes. Like one of my exes was too controlling so I ended it with him and another ex dumped me because he said we drifted apart but I later found out he was flirting with one of my best friends while we were still together and as soon as we broke up they got together. Well I did meet another guy off the internet before him but we only went on one date because he said he didnít want anything serious at the moment and I did. Yeah, Iím a manager at Wendyís. Iíve been working there for two years. Yeah I have friends and most of them I work with. I have an okay social life but thatís because I work mostly that I donít necessarily do a lot of socializing. Thank you for helping me and being honest. This really helped me out and I plan to talk to him on Tuesday.

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