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    collegehockey's Avatar
    collegehockey Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Oct 10, 2005, 08:34 AM
    Silly question, but still please answer eh ;)
    OK, you may all think I'm being overly worried about this situation, but that's just me eh ;)
    Anyhow, here's the backstory... I'm a senior in university and for the longest time, obviously until recently, was in a longterm relationship (nearly 4 years), we began dating summer after HS, both at the same university. Before the ex and I got together I dated in HS but nothing ever serious or longterm, so I'm very new to the whole breakup concept.

    Last March, we broke up for mutual reasons, we were not the same people as we were when we began dating, I think most of that had to do with natural maturation changes that happens to people at our age, and we began arguing and getting in pointless fights that always ended after a couple hours. However, one day another pointless fight happened and somehow we both knew that would be the one to end it. During the breakup she broke out the line, 'I'm never happy with myself, and I've lost all self confidence, I just need to make myself happy right now, but I still want to be with you.' Instantly I knew that was a load of BS, so I let her be and lo and behold aprox. 3 weeks later she's started dating her roommates friend from class.

    Now, that quick turnaround on her part really bothered me. Not necessarily because I wasn't over her, I've always been the person that makes friends with extreme ease and have had no problems meeting new girls myself, and have been on plenty of dates with others... I truly believe I am over her. This is where my confusion begins, after not seeing/speaking to her until mid July and now only like once a month or if we bump into each other on campus randomly, I'm ready to let it go and want to be her friend (I don't want it to be where we never speak again after having the history we had and seeing as we were fgriends before we got together). However, she is still very negative towards me and acts angry. Whenever I ask her why, or how come she can't just be chill about it she says, 'I'm just not ready to be friends, I'm sorry, and I wish I was, I want to be, butright know I can't, I don't know why and I can't give you a reason why I'm still upset and am always angry.'

    After having discussed this with my female friends, most of them (but not all) say the reason she's angry and can't tell me why is that she's not over me, and her being angry is the easiest way to not deal with what she's feeling. I guess my question is, does that seem logical to you all, is she not over me, or is she just that angry, because I figured by now she should be at least able to tell me eh? I only care because I got a fantastic job offer when I graduate in Dec that requires me moving and I know if we're not talking by then I never will talk to her again, which is upsetting as I would like to be on a friendly basis with her. Thanks in advance everyone and this was EXTREEMLY long I know, SORRY! ;)
    letmeno's Avatar
    letmeno Posts: 215, Reputation: 23
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    #2

    Oct 10, 2005, 09:13 AM
    Give her what she wants
    This is where my confusion begins, after not seeing/speaking to her until mid July and now only like once a month or if we bump into each other on campus randomly, I'm ready to let it go and want to be her friend (I don't want it to be where we never speak again after having the history we had and seeing as we were fgriends before we got together). However, she is still very negative towards me and acts angry. Whenever I ask her why, or how come she can't just be chill about it she says, 'I'm just not ready to be friends, I'm sorry, and I wish I was, I want to be, butright know I can't, I don't know why and I can't give you a reason why I'm still upset and am always angry.'


    I am a woman, there are plenty of reason as to why we are so upset or angry w/ the guy after a break up, but the number one reason is because, we simply want to be left alone.

    We do not want to hurt your feelings and this is where the old "I need space" comes into play.

    This young lady just want's out of the relationship... end of the disscussion.

    Do not listen to YOUR friends, or HER friends, they are not nuetral to this because they only want the best for you and her. Her friends don't want to hurt your feelings, and your friends don't want to see you hurt. I have found out that if I want advice, the last person that I would ask is someone who is deeply concerned and want's the best for me.

    Give her what she is asking for, space. She is not ready to be friends, let her have her wish. You said that you have no problems getting a date. Do just that and go on with your life.

    I am not a fortune teller but I don't think that you have heard the last from this young lady. Women have a way of resurfacing when a man has gone on with there lives and testing the water's to see if there is something that is still there. My guess would be the second she finds out that you are over her, dating and moved on with your life, you will all of a sudden get that phone call from her telling you that she want's to be friends again.

    Give her what she want's for now. Get back with us because she will call!
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #3

    Oct 10, 2005, 11:23 AM
    Letmeno - outstanding. You hit it on the head.

    That's another thing - I don't listen to friends advice because I would NEVER have gotten back with my current.

    I do think if he moves on this gal will come back, she still has strong feelings for him and hence the angry. Women can't control those feelings.
    one_life's Avatar
    one_life Posts: 73, Reputation: 12
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    #4

    Oct 10, 2005, 01:11 PM
    I agree with letmeno. She tells you like it is. She gives it to you from a women's perspective.

    Its true, she will resurface as soon as she thinks you've moved on. Try having a zero contact with her. She does look like she is still in love with you. Love is not a easy thing to just get rid off. If it were easy, then she wasn't in love with you in the first place.

    As for dating someone else right away, it is just a rebound. It is her way of making herself feel good about herself.

    When my ex broke up with me, she did not want to stay close or in touch, so I initiated no contact. Few months later she was the one that initiated contact with me. It did not mean she wanted to get back with me, but it was her way of saying I'm now comfortable to be in touch with you now.
    Maybe she feels guilty about breaking your heart and that is why she acts that way right now.

    If you move away, some how she will contact you down the road. Trust me on this.

    Good luck.
    bailey_2k5@hotmail.com's Avatar
    bailey_2k5@hotmail.com Posts: 14, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Oct 10, 2005, 02:03 PM
    Its up to you to decide about that in the way she acts and what if she was telling the trusth about she still wants to be with you... maby your might miss out
    collegehockey's Avatar
    collegehockey Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Oct 19, 2005, 07:48 PM
    Ha...
    Well, first of all I need to say thanks for the great advice. It only took about a week of no contact and BAM there's an email in my box this morning from the ex. However, the next question begins... obviously I'm not going to be the one to run and jump back and email/call her right away, I'm going to lay it off for a while, and knowing the ex, in the email she asked about hanging out Sat and if she hasn't heard from me by fri night, she WILL call me then, to only have me not available again. So after that, when do I return the email/calls... or wait all together for her to call again? Thanks much!
    Chery's Avatar
    Chery Posts: 3,666, Reputation: 698
    Gone, But Not Forgotten
     
    #7

    Oct 19, 2005, 08:29 PM
    I'm going back to the beginning. What makes you think you'll never see her again after December? Are you going to the other end of the world? Maybe a neutral place away from bad memories and/or friends, just might be the right place for you. You can always invite her on one of your holidays, and see where it takes you from there. No fear, if friendship is meant to be, it will happen at any distance after all you do share a past and true friends are hard to find and one can count them on one hand. Whether you call her or not is your choice alone, through your gut feelings, even if it is to tell her that you will leave and hope that freindship is enough. Be strong, at any rate. All else has been said.. Good Luck.
    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,928, Reputation: 674
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    #8

    Oct 20, 2005, 06:08 AM
    Girlfriend
    Hi,
    Don't even think about passing up your new job opportunity. I know you haven't even mentioned it, but go for the job. You and your lady friend will eventually work out everything, if it is meant to be. Keep in contact with her, and answer her emails.
    Be friendly with her, and treat her with respect and as a friend. If anything further developes, it will take some time.
    If you don't answer her, she might think you really don't care anymore, and just simply give up.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #9

    Oct 20, 2005, 08:15 AM
    I would take my time with this. Be busy.

    These aren't games. People want what they can't have. You shut her out and she missed you.

    Take a day or two to respond. No pressure. No tough questions. Be funny. Tease her - maybe "Hey, how are you? missed me already?"

    Don't over communicate.

    I am wondering what drove her away? Too much communication? Do you trust her? Too needy? This what YOU have to fix.
    Chery's Avatar
    Chery Posts: 3,666, Reputation: 698
    Gone, But Not Forgotten
     
    #10

    Oct 20, 2005, 05:00 PM
    Dear Wildcat and Fredg
    Sorry I could not rate you on this, but you both get a BIG HUG from me for this one. I'm glad I have you both on my side this time..
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
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    #11

    Oct 20, 2005, 05:44 PM
    I agree with your female friends. She's not over you yet and obviously harbors a lot of resentment and anger over the breakup. However, that's not your problem and you cannot let it become your problem. You desire to be friends with her and that's very nice, but it just might not be in the cards for you right now. Get on with your life and make your plans for the future. Don't let your decisions be clouded by a need to be friends with her on your part.
    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,928, Reputation: 674
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    #12

    Oct 21, 2005, 04:02 AM
    Passing up my job
    Hi,
    If you had read it, I did state that "you did not mention this but...".
    The reason I mentioned about "not passing up your job", was to reinforce what you are already thinking about... that is, taking your new job, which sounds great. Some won't take a new job if it means moving away from their girlfriend; and/or have seconds thoughts about it later.
    Perhaps you should read a little more carefully yourself.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #13

    Oct 21, 2005, 08:22 AM
    Hockey dude - tell us what happened
    collegehockey's Avatar
    collegehockey Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Oct 21, 2005, 11:26 AM
    Not much...
    Nothing yet... I'm playing the waiting game and will probably get back to her sometime next week, eh. I'll let you know when I do get to speaking with her thou.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #15

    Oct 21, 2005, 12:23 PM
    Good for you man!!

    LESS IS MORE WITH WOMEN.

    She is probably totally freaking out right now.

    Women love to think and reflect - wonder - wonder what you are doing - they love the anticipation of something even more than the actually event.

    You are totally building that anticipation.

    BALLS IN YOUR COURT NOW!! Keep there!! Ball should bever be in her court.
    letmeno's Avatar
    letmeno Posts: 215, Reputation: 23
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    #16

    Oct 21, 2005, 08:25 PM
    Hocky Dude, what are your intentions? Do you want to get back with her, do you want to remain friends, or do you just want to have an open relationship with her or just date her?
    If you plan on dating her, she is not going to take you going out with other women in stride for the simple fact that she has had a committed relationship with you already. So think about that also.
    For right now, until she states to you and makes it perfectly clear what it is that she is wanting, don't make any hasty or sudden moves. She said she wasn't intrested in being friends with you so don't forget to remind her of that when you do have a conversation with her. For right now, make her wait.
    Chery's Avatar
    Chery Posts: 3,666, Reputation: 698
    Gone, But Not Forgotten
     
    #17

    Oct 21, 2005, 08:54 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by collegehockey
    Nothing yet....I'm playing the waiting game and will probably get back to her sometime next week, eh. I'll let you know when I do get to speaking with her thou.
    No matter what you choose, be civil about it. Remember women are only human too. Women can be real good friends to men if treated accordingly and not played with and you just might need a 'female' friend some day, not just your mates.. And if it should not wind up more than friendship, you've shared so much that it's worth keeping the memories. Nobody ever want's to be alone because they make a mistake in the past to regret it. Keep the ball in your court, but let her play with you once in a while, she might have good ideas on how to help you even if things don't work out between you in a more personal level. A team, in any day to day life is better than tossing that ball againts a wall that does not give you feedback. Glad you finally chose to give us some feedback.. as we have spent some time in trying to help you. Good Luck.
    collegehockey's Avatar
    collegehockey Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    Oct 22, 2005, 12:17 PM
    Confusing...
    Well, at the onset of the whole original post eh I was just confused about her resentment and anger... and was strictly interested in just knowing why she was acting the way she was, and being able to be on a friendly level with her. However, now that I've quit talking to her and have noticed her making more of an effort and the content of her communication with me, naturally its going to spark feelings and thoughts about possibly getting back with her, thoughts I have not considered at all in quite some time. For me, it really is a more confusing situation now than it was when I made the first post. So I guess you could ask, do I want to be on good terms with her where she is not angry and we can be friendly with each other, YES. Do I want to be close and really good friends with her, not so much. Do I wan't to get back together with her? I honestly can't say yes or no, sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.
    Chery's Avatar
    Chery Posts: 3,666, Reputation: 698
    Gone, But Not Forgotten
     
    #19

    Oct 22, 2005, 04:26 PM
    That's why I suggested you take the job and invite her some time on a holiday, and check out how you feel then. Does that make any sense? People do have the ability to change for the better.
    collegehockey's Avatar
    collegehockey Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #20

    Nov 12, 2005, 02:03 PM
    Confusing signals...
    Hey guys, I wanted to post an update and ask a new question about my initial post from a while back, and for all of those who responded thanks so much and maybe you'd like to do again ;) Anyhow, on with it...

    Okay, this are murkier for me now than before, if you've read my old post you will know what I'm talking about, I fought with the reasoning as to why she could not be cordial with me, and why ahe was angry all the time (as I figured that was a by-product of her not being over me, which apparently I was right) and now after I've backed off, she has turned full circle and is making a strong effort as she says to be friends.
    While she does say friends, and I know she is dating another guy (her rebound, but not serious) believe me that I do know her and I know while she says friends, she would not be contacting me as much as she is, or continuing to do so without me replying to her if she did not want to be more than friends, I know confusing lol. Also, at the time, I figured that was all I wanted, to not let there be lingering resentment as I did move on I did date other girls etc, but after being with other women and having new friends... I've realised that it's not the case, I want her back.
    Now, I haven't gone about being needy, she is always the one who calls me and I have yet to return her calls, maybe I answer her by email once every other week as she does call me multiple times in the week sayign she wants to hang out, wants to do dinner, etc. Case in point last week was her birthday, and I had her texting me saying she wanted to hang out soon, So I guess my question is two tiered, am I off base in thinking she wants to rekindle our past, and that she really only does want friendship? And in the case that she wants more, how do I go about that with her, it's a fine line to walk when trying to get back together with someone, how do I continue to hold the upper hand in not calling her back and being needy combined with wanting to hang out with her etc... it's just that I know rule number 1 is that you don't be available and needy, but how do I go about contacting then? I'm so confused haha, but thanks all in advance ;)

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