[InSearchOfAnswers]

This question is a bit convoluted, but Im confused and really glad to have found this site. I need objective, frank answers about a few issues Im having. All feedback is really appreciated.

Background: We are both in our mid/late 20s. We love each other. Dating for over 1 year, have discussed marriage.

My GF is a daterape victim. She was a virgin - a Fr in college - seeing this guy, one night he forced himself on her and it happened. She told me this during the 1st month we started seeing each other. We both love each other, but I can't wrap my head around the whole 'date rape' concept... how could she have 'let this happen' - I know that sounds judgemental to a degree, and I'm very sensitive to the issue, so I don't want to blame her (of course) but my mentality, my point of view, is that if you really don't want it there's a number of things (kicking, screaming) that could prevent it. She has told me its hard for me to get in the mindset of a scared virgin that didn't react - she felt paralyzed. After this she went into a spiral of self-worthlessness and told me (in confidence) that had a 1 night stand later on that year - she regets it, but felt worthless. This story further bothered me since I could sense some kind of pattern developing... She has told me a semester of therapy helped her work through it.

Also, to complicate the issue, a few of her friends have been date raped. It almost seems like a trend. Again - I don't want to sound insensitive. Maybe I can't grasp this concept since I could never fathom doing that to another human being. I couldn't even get aroused to force myself on someone like that. Its sickening.

I didn't know how to react. Its so foreign to me. Im hear making an effort to understand.

Fast forward aabout 5 years. We meet and hit it off. Begin dating. There's immediate chemistry - we share the same sense of humor and have a blast with each other. We are crazy about each other. She's a beautiful, strong, indepentdent woman that I have a lot of respect for. However, she's almost "too independent" to the point she is harsh (keep in mind this was all in the beginning). She mentioned a few things like "we have sex - we dont make love" "dont get too clingy" "women shold be able to have sex with whomever they want. 'slut' is such a bull word"... stuff like this was a problem for me. It still is. I wish I could physically cut those memories out of my brain.

Im trying to get into her head. To see things from her perspective. Help me with that.
After ~ month 2 I asked her to be my GF. She shyed away, then said 'yes' but only if she didn't have to change her "single myspace status"... she didn't want to hurt her ex hookups feelings (who constantly left messages on her page). It seemed to me that she was more concered with his feeling that mine. That still stings a little.

Same with the 'I Love You' thing a while later. It took her a few days to say it back. That's a big step, I know, and didn't want her to fake it, so I was cool that she took her time. I actually encoruaged it when I initially told her that I loved her.


And another issue is that she keeps in touch with her old flames - boyfriends and guys she hooked up with. She tells me I'm the love of her life (I would do anything for her), but I have asked her - repeatedly - "why keep in contact with these guys?" She sees nothing wrong with this. In college she dated close personal guys friends. Its seems she has a pattern of meeting guys, becoming close, becoming lovers, then transitioning back to friends. I see exes as people who are in my past - they are exes for a reason. It's a sticking point for me (and I hate it. I wish I didn't care about her so much sometimes). My point is recently she has revealed this fact - its like the lines of 'friend' and 'lover' have been repeatedly crossed in her past.

But back to her recent hookups (the guy(s) she was seeing before me) - I know she's been with other guys - I can't change the past. But my perception is that these old flames aren't totally in her past - her past is constantly intertwined with her present. These are the same guys shest deemed unworthy of the 'boyfriend" title, yet she dated (slept with a few, ect ... ).

I have told her a few times her contact with them bothers me - I want it to be "just us" and she thinks Im crazy to find her open lines of communication a problem. The thing that gets me is that there is no empathy from her end - its like she's right, I'm wrong, case closed. Im not insecure in our relationship, but it seems as though she is being apathetic to my feelings. If she came to me with a problem, I would fix it. I love her. It's that simple in my eyes.

I broke it off with the girls I was talking to when I began dating my current GF. I felt that was the right thing to do. I would feel like I am betraying her, and misleading the other girls, if I kept them in my life. Move on. That's my philosophy.

Well today I said I would never give her a ring as long as this problem persisted. I can't see us making that next step when I feel like I'm sharing her (emotionally). I already have the ring picked out - its as simple, elegant, and beautiful as she is. I want to give it to her, but there's a little feeling in my gut that won't let me do it...

Help me out here - am I crazy?

How can I effectively convey that this is a recurring problem that is stagnating our relationship.

Thanks in advance

ISOA

[Dark but not Heartless]

Well you are certainly in a predicament, aren't you? I almost didn't reply because it was so complicated. But I'll help you out however I can.

First of all, the way to deal with rape is not to try to empathize with the victim, but just to make them feel better in any way possible. I have two friends who were both raped when they were small children, and when they told me, I didn't know how to react. So I went to my school guidance councilor, and I learned how to deal with it. Just let the person know that you're there for them, and always will be. Make them trust you as much as possible. Tell them it will be okay, because it's over and they're safe now. And every once in a while, remind them how much you care about them.

Secondly, I'm guessing you've been hurt in the past? Maybe not by her, but someone else you cared about? If that's the case, it might have damaged your trust in others just a little bit. You feel jealous, and because you really LOVE this girl, it's more than just jealousy, it's paranoia, which is much more serious. You don't have a problem with the exes, but rather the fact that she keeps in touch with them. And to tell you the truth, I think that's normal. Even healthy, too. I keep in touch with some of my exes, and one of them, the most recent one, is my best friend.