[Violet31]

I was dumped 30 years ago by a man I was engaged to and it did something to me I have never understood and probably not fully dealt with. Hence the 30 years. I don´t think about him every day, it´s more like 3 or 4 times a year and often around New Year´s Eve.

No man has ever had such a strong impact on me, although I knew even then he was not suitable in many ways. In other ways he was my soulmate. We read each other minds and finished each others sentences. After he dumped me I humiliated myself by writing him a letter seeking contact, but he never responded and I never knew if he received the letter. But it´s obvious he did not want me at all, so that is clear.

I never knew why he broke up with me as he never explained it. He just left and went to another country. I managed to rebuild my life, got married, built my career and got new interests. My marriage ended but today I feel good about myself. I like being on my own and life is generally good.

I wonder if anyone still thinks about their ex from that long ago. And I wish I could forever block him out. I find 3-4 times a year too much after 30 years. Made the mistake of looking him up on Facebook and wish I had not done it. If someone can relate or knows how to forever forget an old flame, it would be fun to know.

[smoothy]

Forgetting is likely impossible. They are part of your memories and past... good or bad.

Best thing you can do is keep them a memory... and don't take actions that would make it anything but a memory from long ago.

[Violet31]

I would never contact him, Smoothy. I don´t want to be part of his life and would not want him in my life. There is something that irritates me about him, so I feel really blessed he dumped me. I feel he is both naïf and self-obsessed... just the way I was myself when we were together.

[smoothy]

Good... that part is good... but also don't seek out or look at his Facebook page or anything.

Its not like you both live on the same street and bump into each other from time to time.

I remember and think about people I used to day from time to time... (its not frequent) and once in a while I do bump into one.. Strangely enough on a street in a foreign country I visit every year is where it happens most often.

For the most part... I never second guessed the reasons for the breakup on any of them... (except one but I kept it to myself).

If you find yourself thinking about the good times and "what if"... think about all the bad stuff and why it ended... that is usually enough to bring you back to reality.

[talaniman]

Nothing wrong with old memories haunting you every now and then, that's part of life and it's normal that times, dates, and events, music, movies, people, places, and things trigger those memories in us. It's as human as it gets, and healthy if you don't get stuck on them, and forget what you're doing NOW.

I think we all experience the what if's with past people, events, and experiences though. How do we block it out? You can't, but you can change the channels so to speak by snapping out of the reverie you fell into. Hell not just with exes, there are many things I have done I would rather not remember at all, but what's a poor human to do?

At least you have a healthy perspective on it and don't seem to be stuck, nostalgic maybe, but not stuck. That's cool.

[Violet31]

Thank you both for your replies.
I have a feeling it´s not the ex who is an issue here - I feel ashamed about something that is linked to him and I probably never got over that or even faced it.
I don´t know what it is or if it´s worth working on, we´ll see. It was good to voice this question, the need to discuss it is gone.

[Fr_Chuck]

Old memories are often what us "old" people do. I even tell my class, (I teach a class on dating and marriage customs) about my first girlfriend, who I had my first kiss, first dance and first sexual experience with. We broke up over some drug issues and it ended fairly badly. But time has allowed the better memories to be there. For me it was over 40 years ago, but the girl and I are even Facebook friends now, we don't discuss the old days just slight contact.

[Alty]

We all have that one past partner that we think about and wonder... what if?

I'm friends with mine, have been since the day we broke up. Our relationship was good, but not great. We were definitely better suited as friends. But man, the sex was really good! Sorry for the tmi.

He's been divorced twice now, on his third marriage, and often jokes that if he had stuck with me, he wouldn't have gone through so many wives, he'd have the one that would last forever.

I sometimes think what if, but frankly, I know we're better off as friends. We're way too similar, and we'd drive each other nuts if we were together. I married my best friend, my lover, my everything, and I'm so happy I did, been together 25 years. But every once in a while I do have a moment when I wonder.

Totally normal.