[blowfish]

Hello,

I have been with my boyfriend for about 2ish years. He is a very sweet person and I enjoy spending time with him. I met him irl through a friend, but was only visiting for a month or so in his home state. However, I was in the process of saving up and moving to where he was before I met him. After I moved back to my home state we continued our relationship and I eventually moved up to where he was and looked for places to live and work. He insisted that I live with him.. and his parents. I reluctantly agreed and thought this could be a good was to find a stable job then move out with him when we're ready.

It's 2 or so years later and I'm in the same situation. Myself, him, and his (very nice) parents. I've asked him to move out a few times when I had an all right job making enough to support myself, but he refused saying he wants me to work at a place for a certain amount of time before he feels comfortable. Then later he said he needed to pay off his loans (which to be fair, were high at the time). I decided that made sense so I agreed, then decided it would be best to go back to school in the process while working part time.

So now let me give you some backstory on him. He works at a great job, makes enough money to support himself very well, but he's paying off student loans that have weighed him down a bit. He's never lived away from home and he's 25+. His parents cook him meals often (for me too) and he doesn't mind them doing his laundry either. This just... makes me uncomfortable. I have lived away from my parents at 18 and this environment is awfully restrictive. I feel in need to be 'on' all the time. On good behavior. I've told him how I need to move out or else I will lose my mind, but he now insists that he just wants to finish paying off his loans (in 6 months to a year). Once he does we will move.

I've told him that I might as well just move back to where I came from. When saying this he becomes distraught and sad.. I feel so bad, like I need to help him instead of me. So I stay where I'm not OK. I feel he really does love me, but he doesn't seem willing to empathize with MY needs. I would rather stay with a roommate I know from the state I came from then wait another year in his parents house.

P.S I also realized that I do miss my family a lot especially after being around his all the time. I'm not sure his state is the place I want to remain for the rest of my life anymore, but he's firmly said he will not move to my state at all (and I'm not sure he'd move anywhere else but the state he was born in).

[talaniman]

You may be correct thinking not only is he not ready to leave his parents, but he may never want to move to your state. Really there is nothing wrong with that, nor is there anything wrong with following your own plan for what YOU want either. The sad part is that you both have come to the fork in the road and want to travel different paths at this point in your lives and while for the most part it was a good relationship decisions must be made.

You both have different priorities that are bigger than the relationship, and that's not all that unusual at this stage of your lives. Maybe you miss each other, maybe you won't, but unless a compromise can be had that you both can agree on, then it looks like you will live apart.

For now though, no need to blame each other for your decisions to seek the life you both want separately... for a while any way. Yes it's sad to reach this point in a relationship, but obviously he needs more time to realize what's more important to him, and you have to give him that space, especially if you are unwilling to invest 6 months to a year to find out what he is willing to do, or change his mind about what state he will live in (He does have a great job remember?).

Is a long distance relationship in the cards? Or a clean break? What adjustments will you two make?

[DoulaLC]

What about this scenerio: you find a place of your own nearby (visit your family from time to time), he stays where he is at to pay off his loans, and you continue to date? You have a bit more freedom, he gets his loans paid off, and IF you do decide to move into a place of your own together after that you will have the benefit of starting out without huge debts, which is a very good place to be in. If, at that time (or before), it appears the relationship is not going to be long term, then you can move back home at that point if you still want to do so.

[joypulv]

You are complicit in this uncomfortable yet comfortable arrangement, by only working part time and going to school. Surely that makes you dependent on his parents? And if you and he moved into your own place, wouldn't you be expecting him to foot more than half of your expenses while you continue in school?

If you can't go on this way, drop out of school and work full time and get an apartment. Or move back to your town. But don't view his caution as lack of love. He might be the best thing you'll ever meet. People who get along well with their parents are very fortunate people, much of the time, as long as it is mutually agreeable, and not dependency for the wrong reasons.

[talaniman]

I have to agree with you Joy, his plan does make sense, as it's not that wise to move into a situation loaded with debt, and an unhappy student, with a part time job. Nor give up a good job, and start all over looking for work in a strange place.

I would be cautious too.

[blowfish]

You are complicit in this uncomfortable yet comfortable arrangement, by only working part time and going to school. Surely that makes you dependent on his parents?
No, I pay rent to the parents and am not dependent on them.
And if you and he moved into your own place, wouldn't you be expecting him to foot more than half of your expenses while you continue in school?
I can afford my side while working part time.

He is 29 and has been working on his student debt more heavily since I pushed him to work on it. My career path is in finance and although I understand his reluctance to move out before he eliminates it all 100% 1. his debt can be paid back in 1-2 years while living on his own even without me in the picture and 2. I make enough to move out with him while working part time. Also, his hesitation to move out has always been there probably long before me. I think he just likes not having to be responsible for his own place. His parents make it very comfortable for him and treat him like a kid. I like his mom for the most part, there both nice people in small doses, but his father is very passive aggressive towards him and it gets under my skin. My issue is that even when I worked full time he made no mention of places to live unless it was mentioned by me. Over the age of 25+ this should be something you want, right.. independence? Especially when we have very little privacy which prevents us from being close often. I've tried to move out a few times, but he breaks down and I agree to stay.

Now, I only brought up the living situation so let me move on to our actual relationship. A huge struggle I have is talking to him about anything relatively serious (or non-serious actually). He usually tries to change the subject, or if I push he responds with "I don't know". For example, if I were to ask "Where do you see us being in 5 years" Him: "I don't know". Put that answer in any less trivial question you could think and that's how he'll probably respond. If I push too much (which I try not to do) he'll shut down. I know this is very typical for guys to do, but I feel like I'm on one island and he's on another. Ideally I would like to feel like we're a team, that he has my back. It just seems so one-sided.. like I'm in this place alone. Also, I don't nag or create irrational fights or try to do anything destructive like that as I've learned my lessons from the past.

[joypulv]

OK, you can foot the bill while working part time and going to school. That's tough to believe, given that PT usually pays so little, and rent, food, cars, all sorts of things really add up fast. But I have to believe you. (Paying rent may be the biggest expense, but it's not the only one.)

I'm actually very sympathetic to your dilemma. I wouldn't have lasted with some guy's parents more than about 3 months.

So you have to decide if you want him the way he is or not... only you can do that. He plays life by ear, regardless of his systematic approach. And it's clear that paying debt is very important to him. I don't blame him. I'm very sympathetic to his dilemma too.

You may have to do the time-honored "this is what I am going to do, and you can do it with me or not" since he won't talk about the future. Yes, it's an ultimatum of sorts. But that connotes anger and throwing it in his face. If you just say that you have to move out, he needs to understand that that's reasonable. And then the next move is his. If you do this, you need to do it knowing that he may stay and let you go. Don't do it as a bluff.

[talaniman]

He isn't ready for the type of commitment you want, and honestly are YOU prepared to be on your own without him? If you were you would have your own place without a roommate, but you can't work part time and be in school without a partner can you?

What's more telling is you want him to do it your way, but clearly he will not, and you have an impasse that lead to you making a decision. Will you stay or go? I don't see a lot of communications here though that leads to resolving your issues to the benefit of you both.

Will you stay or go?

[smoothy]

You are complicit in this uncomfortable yet comfortable arrangement, by only working part time and going to school. Surely that makes you dependent on his parents?
No, I pay rent to the parents and am not dependent on them.
And if you and he moved into your own place, wouldn't you be expecting him to foot more than half of your expenses while you continue in school?
I can afford my side while working part time.

He is 29 and has been working on his student debt more heavily since I pushed him to work on it. My career path is in finance and although I understand his reluctance to move out before he eliminates it all 100% 1. his debt can be paid back in 1-2 years while living on his own even without me in the picture and 2. I make enough to move out with him while working part time. Also, his hesitation to move out has always been there probably long before me. I think he just likes not having to be responsible for his own place. His parents make it very comfortable for him and treat him like a kid. I like his mom for the most part, there both nice people in small doses, but his father is very passive aggressive towards him and it gets under my skin. My issue is that even when I worked full time he made no mention of places to live unless it was mentioned by me. Over the age of 25+ this should be something you want, right.. independence? Especially when we have very little privacy which prevents us from being close often. I've tried to move out a few times, but he breaks down and I agree to stay.

Now, I only brought up the living situation so let me move on to our actual relationship. A huge struggle I have is talking to him about anything relatively serious (or non-serious actually). He usually tries to change the subject, or if I push he responds with "I don't know". For example, if I were to ask "Where do you see us being in 5 years" Him: "I don't know". Put that answer in any less trivial question you could think and that's how he'll probably respond. If I push too much (which I try not to do) he'll shut down. I know this is very typical for guys to do, but I feel like I'm on one island and he's on another. Ideally I would like to feel like we're a team, that he has my back. It just seems so one-sided.. like I'm in this place alone. Also, I don't nag or create irrational fights or try to do anything destructive like that as I've learned my lessons from the past.

I'm willing to bet the "Rent" you are charged is a token amount and not the full market rate where you live... and you aren't paying for Utilities, food and everything else you would if you was REALLY renting your own place and paying your own way. I guarantee you , you aren't paying all your own actual expenses and in fact are getting a lot more from them, than you are contributing.

Also you are only a girlfriend at this point... and I see a lot of passive aggressive behavior in your comments about how YOU think he should live his life... so don't play innocent there... if its so aweful and unbearable... then move out and move on... and stop trying to put yourself between him and his parents... its going to hurt your relationship. I don't think you would be happy if it was HE who was putting himself in the position of you have to pick them or me...

Or you can keep pushing him until one day he decides he has been pushed enough and ends the relationship with you. Incidentally....nagging doesn't have to be aggressive and in your face....passive aggressive insistence on him doing something the way YOU insist it be done is nagging too.

He's in a position right now where his parents are actually helping him a great deal in being able to move out on his own and make his own way unencumbered by debt....you have no idea how much help that actually is....I wish I was able to have done that after college but my job geographically made that impossible. There are many parents who would not have done that....or allowed you as a girlfriend to live under their roof. You have a sweet deal here and don't even appreciate it.

[Fr_Chuck]

Sounds like it is time for you, to move out, and get your own place. Why should he move out, mom and dad feed him, and most likely do most of the cleaning, and he is still a "boy". Less responsibility. And he has you for companionship and sex.

So move out, cut out his free sex toy, and give him a wake up call.

After all this time, it is time to move on, or move out.

[blowfish]

I'm willing to bet the "Rent" you are charged is a token amount and not the full market rate where you live... and you aren't paying for Utilities, food and everything else you would if you was REALLY renting your own place and paying your own way. I guarantee you , you aren't paying all your own actual expenses and in fact are getting a lot more from them, than you are contributing.


Dude, I'm not a kid. Please don't be patronizing. I'm paying more than I would at my parents house and less than I would with a roommate. I pay for food. When I move out I'll pay about $400 more for everything cell, car, insurance, utilities, etc. To answer the many commenters before, yes... I can afford living with someone working 32 hrs a week.


There are many parents who would not have done that....or allowed you as a girlfriend to live under their roof. You have a sweet deal here and don't even appreciate it.

I luckily have my own family who welcomes me with open arms at their home as well (they live in the state I came from). If I was a parent I wouldn't want my child's gf/bf at my house. I mean, I might let it happen because I would love my child, but it would get tiring. That's how I feel now. That's how I assume the parents think too. Like I've overstayed my welcome. I no longer like the idea of having to feel grateful 24/7 for my situation. I understand I have a "sweet deal" as far as the rent goes, but that "sweet deal" comes with a lot of downsides for ME, you're right, not for him.

As I mentioned before, I don't mind moving out with a roommate somewhere. I work 32 hrs part time and although I can't get a place on my own, I can with someone else. That or staying with my own family for a while going to school and working (I can do those all at home). When I say this he breaks down and I can't talk to him at all because he thinks I want to break up with him. In the past, I reassure him that I will stay where he is until x amount of time to make him feel better and also because I'm afraid if I do leave he'll just assume we're over and cut communication. Right now I'm burnt out by this situation. I'm giving too much and receiving too little and then made to feel like the bad guy for voicing to him that I'm no longer comfortable living with his parents anymore.

Also, I assume people can post anything they want to on this forum. For the people that post back to me, try and be pleasant. This is the first time I talked about my situation to anyone I don't know in real life. It's a subject that's very personal and sad for me. I love my boyfriend more than anything else, but issues happen and they need to be talked about either to people you know or don't know (in my case). I'm not 100% right in this relationship, nor is my boyfriend. So if you can, no flame thrown at either of us.

[blowfish]

Sounds like it is time for you, to move out, and get your own place. Why should he move out, mom and dad feed him, and most likely do most of the cleaning, and he is still a "boy". Less responsibility. And he has you for companionship and sex.

So move out, cut out his free sex toy, and give him a wake up call.

After all this time, it is time to move on, or move out.

Thanks you for the response. Yeah, I only thought living with the parents would last a few months, now I'm here a couple years later thinking W.tf did I just do? It's scary how time passes so quickly and you get so used to a bad situation the more time goes by.

I think I'm just going to move out. I can't wait another year. I've been waiting too long anyway.

[blowfish]

You may have to do the time-honored "this is what I am going to do, and you can do it with me or not" since he won't talk about the future. Yes, it's an ultimatum of sorts. But that connotes anger and throwing it in his face. If you just say that you have to move out, he needs to understand that that's reasonable. And then the next move is his. If you do this, you need to do it knowing that he may stay and let you go. Don't do it as a bluff.

Yes, you're totally right. The trick is in getting him to think it's reasonable though. That's my major issue though is bluffing. I don't start that way but when he breaks down I just want to make him happy again so I say "I'll stay, I don't want to leave". He's really the sweetest most honest person I've met and it makes me my heart break to think that I'm making him so sad. This would be so easy if I didn't have so much love for him.

[Wondergirl]

Yes, you're totally right. The trick is in getting him to think it's reasonable though. That's my major issue though is bluffing. I don't start that way but when he breaks down I just want to make him happy again so I say "I'll stay, I don't want to leave". He's really the sweetest most honest person I've met and it makes me my heart break to think that I'm making him so sad. This would be so easy if I didn't have so much love for him.

My heart goes out to you. You're been put in a tough spot. Remember that you are the one making all the concessions; there's no compromise. I'd even go so far as to say he's manipulating you with his "sadness" and, since you want to keep him "happy," you give in. And he smiles and is thinking, "Gotcha!" Why does he have to be convinced your plans are reasonable? They are.

[talaniman]

Good, you have a decision based on facts as well as feelings. Good Luck, and let him do whatever he wants about your decision. It's HIS problem if he rather presume and assume and feel sad.

Couples thrive and survive by honest communications to resolve whatever issues there are to the benefit of the relationship. This may still be a works in progress, and there is definitely a bump in the road, to overcome either together, or apart.

Time will tell.

[smoothy]

I'm willing to bet the "Rent" you are charged is a token amount and not the full market rate where you live... and you aren't paying for Utilities, food and everything else you would if you was REALLY renting your own place and paying your own way. I guarantee you , you aren't paying all your own actual expenses and in fact are getting a lot more from them, than you are contributing.


Dude, I'm not a kid. Please don't be patronizing. I'm paying more than I would at my parents house and less than I would with a roommate. I pay for food. When I move out I'll pay about $400 more for everything cell, car, insurance, utilities, etc. To answer the many commenters before, yes... I can afford living with someone working 32 hrs a week.


There are many parents who would not have done that....or allowed you as a girlfriend to live under their roof. You have a sweet deal here and don't even appreciate it.

I luckily have my own family who welcomes me with open arms at their home as well (they live in the state I came from). If I was a parent I wouldn't want my child's gf/bf at my house. I mean, I might let it happen because I would love my child, but it would get tiring. That's how I feel now. That's how I assume the parents think too. Like I've overstayed my welcome. I no longer like the idea of having to feel grateful 24/7 for my situation. I understand I have a "sweet deal" as far as the rent goes, but that "sweet deal" comes with a lot of downsides for ME, you're right, not for him.

As I mentioned before, I don't mind moving out with a roommate somewhere. I work 32 hrs part time and although I can't get a place on my own, I can with someone else. That or staying with my own family for a while going to school and working (I can do those all at home). When I say this he breaks down and I can't talk to him at all because he thinks I want to break up with him. In the past, I reassure him that I will stay where he is until x amount of time to make him feel better and also because I'm afraid if I do leave he'll just assume we're over and cut communication. Right now I'm burnt out by this situation. I'm giving too much and receiving too little and then made to feel like the bad guy for voicing to him that I'm no longer comfortable living with his parents anymore.

Also, I assume people can post anything they want to on this forum. For the people that post back to me, try and be pleasant. This is the first time I talked about my situation to anyone I don't know in real life. It's a subject that's very personal and sad for me. I love my boyfriend more than anything else, but issues happen and they need to be talked about either to people you know or don't know (in my case). I'm not 100% right in this relationship, nor is my boyfriend. So if you can, no flame thrown at either of us.

Typical Noob... gets panties in a knot when answer isn't what they want to hear.

You apparently haven't really lived on your own yet then (because you just ooze the I'm entitled mentality in how you write)... because if you pay less than you would going out and renting someplace else.. then you ARE getting a sweet deal at their expense... and I would hope your parents would give you more of a break then his does. What you are paying is a token... since you have a job to contribute something towards what it costs them for you to be there. Which despite your snarky response... you actually agreed with in principle..

As far as the rest... not many parents would let their son have a live in girlfriend.. contributing to expenses or not. The fact you have has greatly contributed to your being there this long. You would probably have the same things to deal with concerning him even if you both did move in to your own place. I think you re just using his parents as a scapegoat for issues that exist in the relationship.

And while I am far from being a prude, because I've done more than my fair share of sleeping around and had a few live in girlfriends before I met the girl I married (she wasn't one of the live-ins)... there is the adage that is most certainly true in this situation. "Why buy the cow when you get the milk now for free." HE gets everything he wants now... there is no incentive at all to move in a different direction.

I think you really know what to do... you was just hoping for a miracle that would change everything.

He is who he is... you aren't changing him... you are who you are... and he's not changing you... expecting otherwise is an exercise in futility, if its not working naturally... then its time to move on.

[blowfish]

Good, you have a decision based on facts as well as feelings. Good Luck, and let him do whatever he wants about your decision. It's HIS problem if he rather presume and assume and feel sad.

Couples thrive and survive by honest communications to resolve whatever issues there are to the benefit of the relationship. This may still be a works in progress, and there is definitely a bump in the road, to overcome either together, or apart.

Time will tell.

Thanks for the helpful responses talaniman. :) I think the only thing I can do now is stop procrastinating and deal with it rather than put my head in the sand. I can do that for a very VERY long time apparently.

[blowfish]

I've worked, saved, and lived on my own with roommates for years before I lived here. So you can save the boring "entitlement" speech to the politics forum where you will find more like-minded older folk parroting back the same "entitlement" this "entitlement" that bs. I also called "smoothy" a troll, cause that's what he seems like.

Minus you being mean-spirited (don't deny it). You too said some things that rang true like

I think you really know what to do... you was just hoping for a miracle that would change everything.

Yup, I need to get my head out of the sand. It's so easy to let time slip then deal with hard things.

He is who he is... you aren't changing him... you are who you are... and he's not changing you... expecting otherwise is an exercise in futility, if its not working naturally... then its time to move on.

I agree. That's what I said when I wasn't in a relationship. When you're in it..it's like your brain is clouded with love..or something. I thought I recouped from my previous relationships and learned stuff, but I'm now going round in a more stupid situation than I ever was in the past.

[joypulv]

The more I read what you write, the more you remind me of me and he of my ex, the sweetest guy in the world. We couldn't really discuss anything that was remotely full of conflict. He would clam up, his lip would tremble, and he would go bury his head in his computer or a book. He got his way doing that. For 13 years I got more and more depressed, but was still shocked when he left me for another woman (who, it turns out, didn't want him, but the damage was done.)

[smoothy]

Ugg, I think half my response to "smoothy" got edited out. Well, I'll summarize what was edited out. I said for "smoothy" to G.TFO with his grandpa "entitlement mentality" bull comment. Doesn't apply here dude. I've worked, saved, and lived on my own with roommates for years before I lived here. So you can save the boring "entitlement" speech to the politics forum where you will find more like-minded older folk parroting back the same "entitlement" this "entitlement" that bs. I also called "smoothy" a troll, cause that's what he seems like.

Minus you being mean-spirited (don't deny it). You too said some things that rang true like


Yup, I need to get my head out of the sand. It's so easy to let time slip then deal with hard things.



I agree. That's what I said when I wasn't in a relationship. When you're in it..it's like your brain is clouded with love..or something. I thought I recouped from my previous relationships and learned stuff, but I'm now going round in a more stupid situation than I ever was in the past.

Don't like someone being direct and blunt? Its NOT the same as being mean spirited.
I see everything needs to be your way or no way at all. Its brutally obvious the more you say the more the problem is here... seriously... I think he is really tired of being with you... he just hasn't grown the balls yet to tell you to leave... and is hoping you make that choice... seen it too many times....even tried that tactic when I was your age (At the time I thought I was being nice doing that, and turns out it really wasn't)....before I grew up enough to learn its best just being direct.

And incidentally... IF you had bothered to read the rules... you don't get to dictate who gets to answer and how they get to answer. And with advice... its ALL about opinion. We have an opinion based on having a lot more life experience than you have yet.

Unlike YOU so far... the rest of us actually know what the real world is like... you have only had a taste of it because you haven't actually HAD to support yourself yet and make decisions how to make it through the end of the month once you pay your bills.. and if you actually have enough to eat 1 , 2 or 3 times a day.

And no... living with Roomates isn't doing it... because right now YOU aren't paying the full cost of everything, Utilites water etc.. rent. Its not the same as living with mom and dad... but until you have truly lived on your own.. you won't see the roomates thing really isn't the same. I'd never go back to roomates if I never absolutely, positively HAD to. THough I did have roomates for 8 years out of college and after that a few more years I rented out a room to someone to split the utilities with when I was living in Europe, but that was my apartment with me calling the shots.

And about entitlements... all you do is whine about what he is and he isn't doing... you aren't entitled to having things your way, particualyly in someone else's house... paying a token rent doesn't put you on equal terms with him or his parents, like roomates would... you aren't entitled to a free ride... you aren't entitled to anything but what you actually earn and pay for on your own. This is a concept you will grasp when you are a few more years older. Like most other people will too.

THat means Your own place with only your name on it.. when YOU pay the entire cable bill you get to decide what you subscribe to or not, etc... anything less... isn't yours and someone else has a say in it.

And no you aren't entitled to a subsidy on anything...

You will find when you are REALLY on your own... something you haven't been yet according to everything you have wrote... you still don't get things your way. You get them within limits of what you can afford... as long as you aren't in conflict with other rules, laws, regulations.. etc..

Now at least you do get the last couple points... worry about fixing the big things and the little things tend to take car of themselves.

And the last point... learning about relationships, everyone goes through those... you really won't know when you find a good situation and a partner... until you've been through a few worse ones... a lot of times the one you are in might seem good... until you have one better... and then you look back GLAD you still weren't with them.

And I don't think you have found that really good one yet. You will eventually.

And I'm hardly a Grandpa... if I told you the stuff I've done... your life would seem like you spent it in a convent before now. I'm not going into it with you here and now... but some of the long time members here know exactly what I'm alluding to.

You always have the choice of learning things the hard way... or listening to some of us and save yourself a lot of time and grief. Your choice... I'll sleep well either way. Some people appreciate and listen to advice that's told to them in a matter of fact and direct manner while others won't, and have to find out on their own what we already told them. I'm not afraid or ashamed to tell you I learned my lessons the hard way...because when I was your age I thought I knew everything too.

He's no angel and neither are you. You both have a lot of growing up to do and maturing before either of you should consider being engaged or married to anyone else. Not necessarily to each other. And I see lots of reasons you both shouldn't be together... not just your actions but his as well. And from what you have said... I think you feel the same way.

If it was right... you would have few disagreements... and not a lot of friction. Occasional disagreements aren't unusual even in a good relationship, constant issues are a red flag things are NOT right.


And if I was a mean spirited person.....I'd sit back and let you wallow in wrong decisions....rather than taking time out of my day to offer you good and practical advice based on lessons I learned in life. Let that thought roll around in the back of your head for a bit and you will see the points I have been making have merit.

Actually while some people here ARE old enough to be your Grandparents...I'm not one of them. I am old enough to be your father...but not nearly old enough to be a grandparent to anyone your age however.