[Alwaysyou118]

I recently (within the last week) broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years because I felt that I had fallen out of love. In our 5 year relationship we had many different rough patches that we went through that I believe attributed to me falling out of love. We talked a lot about this before we actually broke up and we both thought that if I get the space I could use this time to fix myself and fall back in love with him. I want to believe that that will happen but I need to realistic too. The conflicts that caused the falling out are not an issue anymore, it's just purely me living in the past of what happened. He is a truly loving carrying person who I would hate to lose because of me reliving the past. So I would like some advice on how move on from the past and allow my heart to open up again.

[Oliver2011]

You said it yourself that the conflict isn't an issue anymore so let it go. Ask yourself how productive worrying or thinking about past things. Learn to live in the moment and appreciate what you have in this moment in time. That's where you should focus your energy and your thoughts. You do realize that since you have broken up with him it's his choice whether to take you back. It's also his choice as to whether he seeks someone else to be with.

[talaniman]

I think the healing process takes time and space and its doubtful this can be done with a partner you have "fallen out of love with". I also think it's a journey (process) you have to make YOURSELF without the influences of the past.

I know the thought of losing a good guy over all the junk in your mind and life, but I think the need to get your own head and heart together is a lot more important. Maybe the stuff that freaked you out before is resolved for now, but life always throws more stuff to freak you out, so your decision on how to proceed has to be about you, and not the two of you.

Since you have already broken up, heal and fix yourself and then see how you feel about getting back together. That does mean setting new boundaries and rules for the two of you, and I advise strongly, no strings attached (about no dating/talking to others; or no sex with others etc;) or stupid timetables to reevaluate the relationship, and above all staying in contact influencing each other, and severely hindering the healing process. You both should be free to do your thing without restriction, guilt, or shame, and that does mean NO CONTACT.

Either make a clean healthy break, or keep trying until you resolve this. Just don't waffle back and forth with drama, and confusion.

5 years is a looong time, and it will take a long time to heal, and get your act together after the emotional dust has settled for sure. Decide and go for it, one way or another. It's only been a week, not even enough time to get use to the reality of this breakup yet, let alone figure out what your next move is.

Just a good cry after a hard goodbye is probably the best you can do right now. That's enough, save the deep thoughts for later, after the heart shuts up, and the brain wakes up.

[smoothy]

Never a good idea to get back together. Why... because it didn't work the first time... its not going to work the second, or the third. Many people stay in a broken relationship because its what's familiar when they are far better off getting out of it and finding one that's a lot better. And if there were frequent conflicts... there certainly are a lot better ones to be had. Like Tal mentioned... learn from the mistakes of the past... and move on to a new relationship that's not going to be burdened with all the baggage of the old one.

When you do move on to a better relationship with someone else, its going to be a lot easier to get over what happened before because its going to become far more clear to you all of the things that were wrong and not just one one or a few you are thinking about right now, which with the benefit of hindsight will likely not be the biggest problems...just the ones that finally pushed it over the edge.

I can say that with absolute confidence because I've been through more than a few of those before I finally met my wife.

Remember that old saying....you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your true prince.

[Oliver2011]

Agree but I so refuse to kiss a frog!