[2hearts]

I have been through a lot in terms of relationships. A failed marriage of 11 years which resulted in divorce and now Im trying to get back into the swing of dating and it has been difficult. I tell guys up front what I want in terms of commitment and longevity and they go along with it than somewhere down the line I catch someone in a lie and being dishonest. It breaks my heart because I ask for honesty in the beginning and I feel enough time is given to decide if they would like to be with me. I know time heals all wounds but this pain I feel is unbearable. Like I just want to cry and sleep but I got to take care of my family and go to work but a part of me just wants to be alone. Is this depression?

[Alty]

I may be wrong, and can only base my answer on what you posted, and sadly there's never enough info to truly know everything you've been through, or what's going on. Heck, you'd have to write a book for there to be enough info.

So, based on what you wrote, it sounds like you go into each relationship with very high expectations, and when your exact expectations aren't met, you break down. You'll never find anyone that can meet all the expectations on your list.

I do get why you have these expectations. You've been hurt, and you want to avoid having that happen again, so you put up walls, make a list that every man you meet has to follow, even go so far as to discuss that list with them, and when they can't meet your exact needs, you throw them away before they can hurt you.

Have you considered counseling? After an 11 year marriage that ended in divorce, counseling is something I really think will help you. You really haven't gotten over that first relationship that went sour. How can anyone hope to have a successful relationship with you when you're still linking any new guy to the man that hurt you?

[Oliver2011]

Control what you can and let the other stuff go. Granted that is more difficult to do, but only until you get used to doing it. You can control how you feel and how you react to situations. You can't control how someone else feels and how someone else acts. Don't give them that power over you. So knowing that, let go of that control and only worry about how you feel. If you can do that and understand you are in total control, make every day a good day regardless. Trust me it works. If you are in control of how you feel and have the ability to make every day a great day, why wouldn't you?

Now onto relationships. Why not take off the expectations and just date to be social and date to have a good time. You and I both know that you will not be compatible with every man you go out with. And that is okay. So date to have fun and if something develops late on with someone then just let it happen.

[joypulv]

I'm hearing a lot in this sentence: 'I tell guys up front what I want in terms of commitment and longevity and they go along with it than somewhere down the line I catch someone in a lie and being dishonest.'
Most people really don't have any intention of deceiving, but most relationships don't follow a nice orderly path, and feelings change. Saying you want commitment and saying they want it too doesn't mean anything if the relationship turns out to not be clicking at each step of romance followed by the more mundane things of daily compromises needed for getting along and enjoying the overall picture. I think you are plunking it down on the table in a too concrete way. There are plenty of ways to show what you hope for without setting it out as a job description.

Your next sentence, 'I ask for honesty in the beginning and I feel enough time is given to decide if they would like to be with me' is sort of a corollary to the first. They probably are about as honest as people can be when dating. Again - feelings change. Your future with someone is never etched in stone.

On a practical level, you may expect to be exclusive, then live together, and then get married within a certain time range. You may attract men who just don't meet that timeline! That's common, especially if the woman is too eager after a divorce. I do understand, being a woman. But I also know that many men get really skittish about it.

It isn't easy to love openly and NOT have expectations. But that's the goal.

[talaniman]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ed-779898.html

You are supposed to feel bad and depressed after a breakup. Get the girls together and work your way through it.