[Sdamassa]

My (ex) girlfriend and I started dating back freshman year in college and we are both now juniors. It was one of those "love at first sight" things. We met and I couldn't get her off my mind, and finally, 6 months later we started dating. We have been happily dating since then, however, things had gone into a rut starting about 2 or 3 months ago. We were supposed to celebrate our 2 year anniversary last week, however, she said that she wanted to "be single for a while". Just a little background, she met a new girl from her college that she has been hanging out with a lot recently, and they both decided to go down to San Diego for Spring Break. I did not protest because she always says that I try to keep her from her friends, so I thought this was a good opportunity to show her that I want her to have friends and be close with them. So I went home for break for some job interviews, and she went down to san diego. So 3rd night of spring break I get a call and 2 hours later, long fight, she had grinded with some guys at a club, and so on and so forth. At the end of this set of conversations we both decided she would come home early from her break and we would move on. However, when she came back, she had completely changed her mindset, so I talked her back into our relationship saying that we both need to change a lot of things, but the next day, she would be back to wanting to be single. So I accepted this, I'm giving her space, and I haven't contacted her in 3 days, however, she called me and said she wanted to hang out. She wanted to get brunch, but I said that I'm not your friend now, I'm your ex-bf so we can go out to a restaurant, see a movie, but I'm not going to be your girlfriend. Thing is, I love her, and she keeps telling me she loves me. What should I do? Just ignore everything? I know there's another guy she met during spring break, but he's gone now, and she didn't cheat on me physically during break, but I definitely feel like she cheated on me emotionally. Is there a future, or is this one of those only time will tell things?

[always_hot]

Well This Is What I Think.. It Sounds Like She Wants To Experience Life Being Single. Although I Think She Still Loves You. A lot Of People That Get Together When They Are Your Age That Get Married End Up Divorcing Because They Grow Into Different People Or Feel Like They Need To Expiernce Life More As If They Were Missing Something. My Advice Is To Just Let Her Go As Hard As That May Be And Just Enjoy Dating While Your In Your 20's.

[mckenzie134]

I had a very similar experience. My ex girlfriend said she loves me but wants to be single not to see anyone else just to know that she is able to be on her own and not depend on me.
Try and not believe too much of what they say I bet she had no thoughts of being single in the past. Think about it this probably just came up now while urve been a bit wussy and needy acting a bit jealous. They like a bit of a challenge you have to let her go for a bit. Let her know you care for her and want to be together but if she wants to be single well go ahead she can't have you in her life and be single

[Jiser]

:) Hey!

There is no future here. It is now you need to walk away. Treat this is a learning experience and be glad it happened to you now and not in 10 years time. The knowledge you gain from your experience will be worth its weight in gold.

So what can you do in the mean time?

1) Abide by no contact - ignorance is bliss
2) Don't go near the grape vine
3) Time to point your life in a new direction < yourself
4) Start some new hobbies
5) Get new friends
6) Ever wanted to do something? Nows the time!
7) Sh*t happens, in time you will get over it :) :) Like most people!
8) Music and exercise
9) I am afraid to say it - but time heals :P

[talaniman]

Leave her alone to be single and get a life without her, as she is not ready for what you want and may never be. Move on.

[Sdamassa]

This is why I am so confused about this whole thing, this is an email she wrote me not 2 months ago...

Baby,
I want to tell you this because I know you won't take me seriously if I try and tell you face to face. We don't have to talk about this in person but I still want you to know what I am thinking about. I guess it all boils down to me feeling very vulnerable, which is not, in itself, a bad thing. THere is no one else I would rather be vulnerable for. It's just that I make some pretty large sacrifices for this relationship. I said "I love you" first; I didn't go abroad so there wouldn't be a strain on us; and I, basically, will follow you after we graduate. I think it is important you know that I don't regret doing or saying ANY of this. In fact, Im thrilled I did all of it because it makes us stronger. Also, I want you to know that I will never guilt trip you about any of this either.

But... I HATE having to ask for what may seem like little things to you, but what are actually daily reminders that you are still in this with me and that you support me and my decisions. I hate asking for kisses or affection, or waiting, hoping that you will say "I love you" (it only seems to happen after we have been apart for a while), or, like last night, asking for sex. I guess I feel that because I have asked for these things (especially kisses, affection, pet names, etc.) and because you KNOW I want them, it's as if you don't WANT to give them. If I seem upset, it is usually because I am worried that you aren't happy or don't love me anymore. I know I shouldn't read into unimportant things, like when you are too busy for me to come spend the night, but since the little things that I need (kisses, love, etc.) are not there, like I said, I get worried. Since I have never been in love, or in a long-term relationship, I don't know what to expect, I don't know what's coming next. I just have to be reminded that you are always here with me, no matter what does happen.

I know and trust (at least I hope) that you, if faced with the kinds of decisions like those above--granted some of them are small--that I have been faced with, you would have done the same thing. I know how important it is for you to get both a good internship this summer and a good job after graduation, so I don't want to be an obstacle in that, in fact, I want to be your support and comfort as I hope you will be for me as I apply and attend grad school. I can only hope that you feel the same way about our relationship as I do. That is, that we love each other very much (I know, even without having to say it everyday), that we are a strong couple, that we want to stay together and that sometimes now and in the future, we will each have to make sacrifices and compromises in our plans to accommodate each other in our lives.

You have probably laughed to yourself at least five times throughout this email and it does sound silly, I suppose, but I am a deeply emotional person, as you know. These are things I think and feel daily and is probably part of the reason why I sometimes seem overly stressed out. I am trying not to let it get to me as much as it used to because I do know you love me and need me too, so I hope this semester seems to be starting better than other ones. After all,

I undeniably love you Tigger,

C

P.S. I won't talk about this or bring it up anymore because now you know how I feel. Hopefully, this email can explain why I seem to get upset for no reason.

[Sdamassa]

Hey, a little update, I haven't talked to her or anything for a week. She texted me to tell me to have a good time on a trip we were supposed to go on together to my relatives, which I went to by myself. I've realized that I basically just treated her like my best friend, and that the romance had gone out because I had neglected it. So, I'm planning on not contacting her indefinitely, and if she wants to talk then she will have to initiate the contact, does that sound like a good plan?

[talaniman]

Sounds good, it also sounds as you have accepted the fact on a love level this will not work, so have some fun and enjoy yourself.

[Sdamassa]

The way I look at it is that it could work on a love level, but that's not even going to begin in the planning stages until at least after summer, 4 months probably. And I definitely don't feel that that is a viable option to hang onto. I've realized I'm only 21, so it's not like I should be looking for "the one" actively for a while, and just let things fall as they will.

[talaniman]

I think her email is feeding you a load of crap, to be honest, to make sure you stay in her life when and if she needs you. Sorry love don't work that way. She has freed herself and left all her options open including being with you. You on the other hand are tied to her. It may be fear, or insecurety, or her padding her bets, but whatever it is it isn't healthy.

[missk]

I don't know-that email seems pretty real to me. Maybe I am just a sucker, but it sounds like she is reaching out to you. Sounds like she really loves you and feels that she is not getting the same vibe from you. You even said you treated her like your best friend and romance had gone because you neglected it. It seems like she was the one trying and you weren't communicating how you really felt about the relationship-which is confusing to her and that is why she sent you that email-like she was looking for answers.

[Sdamassa]

Well, the email was written when we were still going strong as a couple, do you think that she was feeding me that crap back then? I honestly think she just had a realligning of what she wanted to do with her life and could not see me fitting into it. She made some new friends and had a good time with them, and because of that she cut me out of the picture. But, I don't know if I necessarily believe that the email was garbage because it was sent out almost 2 months before we broke up. The way I look at it is that she had a list of desires/demands and I wasn't willing to exert the effort to fulfill them at the time. Because of that she didn't think I was capable of doing them, and she moved on.

[talaniman]

So move on already, she has. Learn and work on your own shortcomings or this may come back to haunt you.

[Sdamassa]

You're right, this isn't a situation to dwell on the past, I need to focus on the present and the future. If she actually means those things and we both grow then maybe we can come to something at somepoint, however, I need the tough love now, need to move on. It will be easier once I get to my job during the summer when I'm not constantly surrounded by memories(College). It's over, I'm seeing other people, so is she.

[Psychic Hecate]

I feel that you ex doesn't want to be in a relationship as in steady or serious right now, its like she's not yet ready to settle down. I sense that she felt thing were moving to a place she didn't want to go, she wants to have her freedom and see if she can have fun as in a fun relationship, nothing hot or heavy and to be honest I feel that you and her could have potentially got very serious and that was what got to her. I also sense that like you said a lot of your problems or the cracks in your relationship appeared when she made the new friend, because I feel like this new friend is single and was adding to her own fear of getting serious to soon.

I have to be blunt and honest with you but I feel like your ex is hanging on to you and keeping you around, so that if nothing better comes along she can use you to pass the time so to speak.

At the end of the day its your decision and your own free will, but I feel that you should consider what you are worth as a person, and then decide if you want to be 'a can do no better' guy for your ex.

[Sdamassa]

UPDATE:

I haven't contacted her in 3 weeks now, don't really have a desire to either. I have started dating a wonderful girl, nothing serious, but we both enjoy each others company. My ex contacted me last week saying, "Hey, i saw you talking on your phone today and it drove me nearly insane to not stop and talk to you..." I figure she just wants me to respond in order for me to be her safety net in case of the rest of her ventures don't turn out to be fruitful. I don't want to put a black mark on my new relationship, so I figure that I will not think about talking to my ex, even if she initiates contact, because that would definitely be unfair to my new interest. Also, is it too soon to get involved with someone else? I went through over a month of self-inspection and such, and really am happy now, but I don't want to put my new friend at risk.

[talaniman]

You sound ready, so she must be nice. Go slow and have fun getting to know each other. Take your time and enjoy the going out. Be a good guy, as opposed to nice and don't smother her and leave the heavy stuff for after you know her very well.