[bashambelly]

I met my boyfriend accidentally at a local restaurant while waiting for a table 10 months ago, after 3 months dating without any kiss or sex we decided it to make it official and exclusive and after the third month we kissed and we started to spend more time together, he works night shifts (12 hours) three days one week and four days the next week so he has every other weekend off, his parents live in Orlando and he shares his apartment with his twin brother (38).

The problem is that I have my own house and my 7 years old lives with me, and every day he has off he comes to my house brings clothes and stays those days, I would be excited but I am not, I have been living by myself for more than four years after my divorce and I get very uncomfortable to see him in my house all those days he has off. After 10 months he still has not invited me over his apartment where he lives with his twin. I met once his twin ( just smile and hello that’s it) I have been saying to him how important is for me to go and see where he lives and how he lives, his excuse is that him and his twin made a promise of not to bring any girl into the house (according to him his twin has been married three times while he only once) other excuse is that his house is always a mess because his twin and that he feels embarrassed. I say to him that I don’t buy this excuse because I do have my child and sometimes my house is a mess too but he still comes to visit me there.

Lately he’s been asking me to move in, but I not so sure if I want to live with him he takes me out for dinner, movies and pays for everything, but when it comes to my household expenses even though he stays in my house more days that in his own house he doesn’t give me any money. I don’t want to asking and I don’t need it either but to me he doesn’t need to wait for me to ask, he knows I have a mortgage and bills to pay and to me he should at least pay for something in the house.

I work as an international trader and I go out with clients very often. Few months ago I had to go for a business dinner (the first one after he became my bf) and he called me so many times on my cell phone just to say “hi and check on me” I hated it! During the dinner he sent a message with the text “911” I ran out I called him immediately just to hear him saying that he was ready waiting for me to make love. I got so angry at this then he said he was missing me and feeling alone in my house.

Then again I went out with another client his wife and kids who came from Argentina I had to help this people accommodate and he got very suspicious why I was doing this, I explained to him again this is part of my job, so he went to work but kept calling every hour to find out “how I was doing”. I came back home after middle night my brother was baby sitting my daughter so I was alone at home, he called me at two in the morning on his break to see if I was already home during that conversation I told him I had close the deal and it was a good business he didn’t say anything but that weekend I went to the bank he was at my home (he took the spare home key without my permission) He was waiting for me at my house and I was slightly later then he called me I got angry because I felt like I was being controlled. I did shut down my cell phone but when I came home he didn’t say anything an hour later I hear the voicemail and he had left two messages saying that I was acting weird or maybe I wanted to go out with my client and then he said maybe my client like me and that’s why I was late or maybe I wanted to initiate an argument so I could go out that night with my client. It drove me so crazy and I asked him to leave my house.

I suspect he might be jealous and possessive his ex wife left him one day without notice and took his son with her, that was two years ago, he knows they live in Texas, but I wonder why if he is a wonderful man a woman would run away like this… maybe his wife was afraid or maybe she cheated on him I don’t know and all this questions go around and around in my head. I do have feelings for him and I don’t want to think I have wasted my time with him. He is very lovely and gentleman but there are moments when he threats me like I have cheated on him or if I am looking for another man.

My ex husband was very abusive and sometimes I find myself comparing my new boyfriend behavior with my ex. I don’t want to leave him I suggested he could use some therapy to control his insecurity but he says he is not insecure not the jealous type but to me he is. He did agree on taking some therapy but then I say to myself Do I really need this? If I left my daughters father because his temper and insecurity Why I should help this man if he is not my husband and we have no children? I know I love him and I don’t want to leave him but I am so afraid to bring him to leave with us and then my concern is what would happened if he becomes a possessive, control freak or abusive partner I am 33 and I don’t want to leave another abusive relationship again. But I can't help to wonder… Why after 10 months of asking him to take me over his apartment he is still hasn’t take over? Is there is something he’s hidden from me? I don’t want to show up at his apartment without invitation I don’t want to look like a freak and then again another question comes to my mind… How about if it is me who needs therapy to overcome my fears of being hurt again?

[talaniman]

I think you have let him move you much to fast, as you still don't know enough to have him in your life and child's life, so much so soon. He is hiding something, and you should back off and re-evaluate this relationship. Tell him to take his stuff and go home and slow this train down, while you get to know him better. Your instincts are correct, and no its not you who needs therapy, you need your control back. Slow him down. Learn his issues to see if he is worth it, and don't let your heart get you in trouble. You've had enough of that, haven't you.