[kelseyjane]

I've been dating my boyfriend for about 6 months now and nothing like this has happened before. I also feel the need to say that he has had a very rough life with his parents who were abusive and hanging around the wrong type of people, doing the wrong type of things. We met because he moved into my area to get away from all of that and start fresh.

Last night we began arguing over something very petty and I became irritated very quickly and just wanted to be away from him. My usual reaction is to walk away or leave when I am upset and come back to the situation later, but in the past he has never let me leave... He always stands in the way and it is impossible to get past him, and this has always led to me calming down and talking to him. When he stood in my way last night, I just didn't want him to be anywhere near me and he felt overbearing. I started to push him away from me, trying to move him out of my way. He is much bigger than me so of course that didn't do much and he just resisted me. The moment was so heated I can't remember clearly, but I think I started hitting his arm at this point while trying harder to move him, all of this while we are yelling at each other. He began telling me to shut up and putting his finger in my face and became visibly much more angry.The next thing I know, he grabs me by my neck --not hard, I do not have any bruises and it did not hurt in the moment-- he had my neck in his hand, then put his other hand on my shoulder and pushed me onto his bed. It was hard enough that I remember being in the air for just a moment and I bounced on his bed, causing things in my purse (which I had over my shoulder at the time) to fly out. He immediately started apologizing as I grabbed all of my things. He finally got out of my way and I was so scared I started running from him.

He has called me and texted me, apologizing and saying he's never done anything like that before and he will never let it happen again, but still managed to say I didn't act correctly either. I've ignored him for the most part, just told him to leave me alone.

I realize I started the physical acts, and that it was wrong. And I know that doesn't make what he did OK. But he scared me. And I'm not sure if this is a sign of something worse to come, or a mistake because he was provoked. He has never once in past arguments come close to doing anything like that or getting as angry as he did with me last night. I know that he has a lot of anger built up from his past and everything that he has been through and I firmly believe in psychological help, which I always thought he should get so that he can really move on. I love him very much and have been trying to be the good person in his life that he needs. But I just don't know what he did means...

Should I give him another chance, give us a chance to work on how we deal with issues? Or should I not wait to find out if it will continue or get worse?

[odinn7]

This is the first step... the first time he crossed the line. It will be easier for him the next time... and even easier the time after that. There is never an excuse to grab someone's neck and throw them.

[N0help4u]

You need to find a totally different approach. Don't act like a caged animal that needs to get away -that gives him power. He sounds like he wants to sit down and work it out. Usually guys with his upbringing act more the way you handle it. You have to come to a compromise. Like have code words like whoa to mean Stop I don't want to get upset. Have prior understandings like you will sit down with him and talk, (without trying to leave) but he is going to have to be silent until you break the silence AFTER you calm down. Coming from two different backgrounds on dealing with problems you need to have a set strategy on handling things so they do not get out of hand.

[smearcase]

" Should I give him another chance, give us a chance to work on how we deal with issues? " NO!

Blocking your exit was the first mistake-his.
Was he in fear and retaliated? NO.

[talaniman]

You started nothing, he did by blocking your escape so let go of the guilt and rationalizing it and pay attention. It a big red flag when there is violence, bad past, parents, zits doesn't matter, it gets worse unless he want to do the right thing for himself.

Not your problem but he deserve no second chance. Second chance at what, make you calm down and not leave against your will? That's crazy.

[odinn7]

You need to find a totally different approach. Dont act like a caged animal that needs to get away -that gives him power. He sounds like he wants to sit down and work it out. Usually guys with his upbringing act more the way you handle it. You have to come to a compromise. Like have code words like whoa to mean Stop I dont want to get upset. Have prior understandings like you will sit down with him and talk, (without trying to leave) but he is going to have to be silent until you break the silence AFTER you calm down. Coming from two different backgrounds on dealing with problems you need to have a set strategy on handling things so they do not get out of hand.

I have to say, this isn't the best advice I've seen from you.

Maybe... just maybe she over-reacted by wanting to leave... that is the WORST thing she did. The rest was all on him. Code words? Caged animal?

There is no excuse for him blocking her from leaving and even less of an excuse for him grabbing her neck and throwing her.

My sister went through this and this is how it all started down a long twisted road of 7 years of abuse.

[N0help4u]

I'm not saying anything is her fault. I am saying that if they want to work things out and he came from an abusive family he, as she need to learn a new approach such as a counselor would give. My ex use to walk out when he would get mad. My reaction was that I wanted to block him and make him talk it out but me being a weak female had to put up with him walking out. I think there I s hope here IF they can both learn to not yell and get physical.

[talaniman]

Abusers will always work it out... until next time. Like cheater, liar, and bank robbers.

[N0help4u]

I have known couples where it was one time and worked out, but with a history it usually doesn't get better. If he is willing to get help and deal with things different I wouldn't totally throw in the towel yet.

[Gullyver]

I have known couples where it was one time and worked out, but with a history it usually doesn't get better. If he is willing to get help and deal with things different I wouldn't totally throw in the towel yet.

I fullly agree, the guy seems genuine and I believe it'd be fair to give him a second chance... he made a mistake no doubt... but he can also learn from it...

[Cat1864]

The physical altercation was an escalation of his previous controlling behavior. Neither one of you may have realized that was what he was doing, but it is.

Pushing and hitting at him are not good ways to handle the situation, but he started everything by physically keeping you there against your wishes. And It wasn't the first time.

If you feel the need to leave, he should not block your exit. You just found out what happens if you insist on leaving. He enforces his will and control.

If you stay with him, not only will it be easier for him to cross the line again, but you will be living in fear of his temper now that you recognize it for what it is.

If you decide to work things out, he needs to understand that you have a right to leave. He cannot and should not stop you. You need to understand why you feel the need to leave. If you can explain to him why you sometimes need to walk away and calm down, it may make it easier for him to let you go. If fear is any part of your walking away, then you need to get out of the relationship and stay out.

He may be sincere, but most abusers are. If he is willing to work on the controlling and anger management, then maybe there is a chance. Are you willing to take that chance with your health and welfare?

[kelseyjane]

Thank you all for your advice... I have chosen to let him go and leave him in my past as a lesson. This experience opened my eyes to what our relationship really was, a codependent one. I wanted so badly to help him become the person he could be, but I did not realize the extent of his flaws and the effect they would have on me... Thank you all for your honesty

[N0help4u]

That is good. So many girls try and change guys. We see a side of them. We see their potential but often It's a losing battle.