[Meeki]

Hello,

This is my first post here. Sorry for the length.

The girl I have grown very close to over about five months and have dated for two months had to stop seeing me because she has confusing feelings about her ex and her past relationship. We spent a good deal of time together and she think I am incredible. She says she isn't sure if she would be able to give it her all right now if we were to become more serious but it's not that she doesn't want to and maybe in the future. Both of us love being with each other and it's unlike anything I have had.

She has had three long relationships, three year and two two-year, and has jumped right into them one right after each other. This last one ended in March, but she started just going out all the time and dating casually so she never took time to get over it. She was OK until we started going out and she realized how much of a future we could have; that reminded her of her past relationship. Her ex messaged her before we started dating and they talked, apparently he still likes her but she isn't even sure she wants to get back with him.

Obviously she still likes him, which I assured her is normal, but she isn't sure how much or why she is has these feelings towards her past relationship. She did tell me she was mean during her last relationship and she is different now; that they broke up because neither was happy and they wanted different things. Now she has regrets how she acted at that time and thinks things could have been different but doesn't even know if she wants to try again.

Now she is stuck in limbo and has been for quite sometime. We spoke on Monday, she says she is trying hard to figure out her feelings and finally needs to take the time to sort through them but she hasn't gotten anywhere since her relationship ended. Her ex won't really giver her closure and now she has all these mixed feelings towards him after dating me. I told her she has to talk with her ex but she wouldn't even know what to say.

I was devastated when she told me; she said if we never have a chance in the future she would regret it and always think I'm a great guy. She promised to tell me if she makes any progress and what happens with her ex.

She doesn't know what to do and I don't want to be pushy. I think she needs to figure out what she wants for herself in her future and make a decision to move on or get back with her ex despite her emotions being confusing. One problem is her indecisiveness.

I want to be there for her but I know we can't talk everyday like we used to, or even for a week or more until I'm feeling better.

I seriously think this girl is perfect for me and she thinks I'm perfect for her. I know I can't wait around for her and can't hurry her healing process. I'm really frustrated by this whole thing and there is nothing I can do.

I don't really know what to do besides give it time and try to move on. I'm giving her space for a week or two before I contact her again, she said she would keep me updated on how she is doing. It's not like she wants to ditch me but I've caused conflicting feelings with her.

I think she is worth fighting for, but I know only she can make a decision. She gets attached to people easily and doesn't like to let go. Her ex won't make a decision either. I guess just being around to talk every now and again is the only thing I can do?

Also she is very honest with me, I believe her when she says she still has feelings for me and wants to stay in touch.

[FightingBlues]

If she still has doubts about an ex, I say don't risk getting involved with her. It sounds like she has a track record for taking relationships too lightly and deep down inside, I know this is not what you want. Yes, she may have been in 3 very longterm relationships, but if she's hopping from one guy to the next without giving herself time to properly heal or get back in touch with herself, then she's only going to bring a trail of resentments into the next relationship she seeks. You don't deserve to be a rebound guy if what you want is a stable, committed relationship. You deserve someone who is going into this relationship with eyes wide open, someone whose only focus is you and who genuinely loves you and is not just using you to "pass the time" sort of speak. She might indicate she likes you, but ask yourself if she really is in love with your personality or if she's on a quest to fill her void of being alone. Some people can't handle being single and thus they are constantly on the move.

What does your intuition tell you?

[Meeki]

What does your intuition tell you?

First, thanks for the response. As for her track record, she becomes really attached and develops deep emotions for people very quickly that she doesn't want to leave until she has to.

My intuition tells me not to let this one go. I'm certain I wasn't just filling a void, she thought she was ready when we first talked about becoming serious, then her nervousness and confusion took over. I really have no doubt she loves my personality, she constantly told me how amazing I was and was always honest with me. We had connection and lots of passion.

She said she needed to break it off now because she was becoming really attached to me, likes me far too much and if we stayed together right now she would freak out later and ruin it. She wants to give us a shot but wants to be in the right state of mind. We were both a mess when we talked about this, lots of crying and frustration.

However, she isn't even sure if she likes her ex or what her feelings are telling her. I mean she has feelings for him like I do about girls I've dated, they dated for two years but she also has regrets about how they acted to each other. Now she is finally taking time to herself to think without dating around to figure herself out.

I know I cannot wait around and have to be open to other amazing women. I don't want to lose an opportunity though, assuming she doesn't get back together with her ex. Can I still stay in contact every now and again? If so how do I do that?

[FightingBlues]

Thanks. I hope I helped. It sounds to me that she is very confused about what she wants and perhaps she has never given herself the chance to figure it out because she's either been in a relationship or breaking up with a guy. She needs to clear the noise out of her head before she comes to a rational conclusion and to be fair, you don't deserve to be strung along if she can't give you a direct answer. For now, give her some space, a chance to truly reconnect with herself and find out what she wants. If you stay in touch with her as friends until she tells you where she stands, you will have to maintain enough will power to avoid questions about dating her. Do you think you'll be able to resist that? Now in terms of her saying she needed a break because she was afraid she would destroy the one thing that meant so much to her, that may be true. But then, why have doubts about rekindling with an ex if she were so into you? That part doesn't make sense. If she thought you two would make the perfect match, I don't think she would let such thoughts like her ex and her ability to ruin the relationship override her need to be with you. If she truly believes that you have something special and you're the most amazing guy she has ever met, she won't let anything stand in her way when it comes to making that decision. In time, you will find out if her words have any merit and whatever the outcome, it will be advantageous for you to discover the truth for yourself.

[Meeki]

Thanks. I hope I helped. It sounds to me that she is very confused about what she wants and perhaps she has never given herself the chance to figure it out because she's either been in a relationship or breaking up with a guy.

Yes, that is exactly it. Exactly what she told me.

She even told me I shouldn't wait because it's unfair even if she really likes me, she didn't want it to be this way.

I don't know why I have doubts, but I do. She still has feelings for him, of what kind she does not know. The issue is two years of a relationship and her ex contacting her every now and again, telling her how he likes her, versus our feelings we developed over a few months of dating.

When she was with me she told me it's not like she wants to get back together and two days later she doesn't even know what she is feeling. I said, when we were talking, both very emotional, that maybe she needs to talk with her ex or get back with him, she said maybe but she doesn't know if that is what she needs.

Basically, she doesn't know what to do with herself or how to move towards a resolution.

She did tell me that I was the most amazing guy she has ever dated. She is scared and her past is comfortable, it may be hard for her to move forward like this?

I do want to stay friends, she did tell me she would keep me informed about her progress and ex. I can keep it friendly without approaching dating.

Also, thanks for the response. I posted other places but most responses are so negative or just tell me to run.

I just have to figure out when I'll be ready to talk to her and also be open to new people.

[FightingBlues]

You're very welcome. And yes, she's not the only girl out there for you. It might feel like she's the only one for you right now because she's the only one that's giving you attention and expressing romantic interest towards you but to be completely honest, I think she would have made the answer quite simple for herself if she really wanted to be with you. Of course she knows how she feels about her ex but she won't tell you this because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings... especially since you have always proven yourself to be an amazing guy. She is probably feeling guilty for telling you this and in a sense you have to look at it as she's doing you a huge favour if she decides she's not going to get involved with you. Imagine how much worse you'd feel if she was with you and then split up to be with an ex or anybody else for that matter. You wouldn't want to be left feeling like a fool because you believed she genuinely wanted to make it work with you, when really she was just entering it with a confused state of mind. She has a lot to work on before you can both come to an agreement. Good luck!

[Meeki]

I know she did both of us a favor by ending it, it was mature. I think she is being genuine about her confusion towards her ex, if she liked him they would be together when he asked before we started dating. Or she would have kept it light between us, but we got to know each other very well.

She claims she is a different person now, but why would she want to go back to an ex the old her would date? I don't know, she doesn't know so she says.

Maybe she'll miss me enough and realize what we had and could have. Maybe she won't.

Honestly I've never felt more connected to or passionate about a girl like this girl. I'm dealing with being sad as I have pretty intense emotions but I know in the end I'll be OK.

I feel a lot better now though. I'll miss her but that'll pass.

[Meeki]

Ok, I have the past few days to think and calm down a bit. I am beginning to accept, despite how much we adore each other, she hasn't decided to move on to begin to heal and maybe she won't and go back to her ex, who knows. I am thankful she was mature about this and cut it off when she did.

Once I calm down and accept she is unavailable I want to stay friends with her since we were before. Maybe next week or two weeks, whatever, I'll call her to chat, keep it friendly and let her know I'm here to talk and have no ill will.

I know I'm putting my heart on the line with this, since she could get back with her ex, but I want her in my life she is a good person. If she does get back I may have to disappear out of pain but maybe she won't.

This weekend my friend is coming in from NC and we are heading out on the town. It'll be good to have some fun with him and maybe another friend.

Thanks for the advice FightingBlues.

[FightingBlues]

You're welcome. You sound like you're handling this really well. That's definitely something to be proud of! :)

And if you want to stay friends with her I think that's great. Even though you may feel like you're missing out on being with her, at least you can see the advantages of becoming lifelong friends. You both seem very mature and wise and I'm sure you can set all feelings aside and maintain a healthy friendship.

[Meeki]

Yea and if she does ever heal and move on who knows if something can rekindle. I do want to leave the door open some but I'm not going to be in her face about friendship. I want to e able to see her and hangout with our friends.

[Meeki]

Well I slipped up and texted her this weekend. I asked how her evening was going and told her I understand she had to do what she did, since we cannot date I'd like to be friends and be able to hangout and stuff. I asked if she could chat this week if she's up for it.

No response of course... I'm not sure if she is not ready to talk or is ignoring me so I go away. She told me she wanted to keep in touch and she won't disappear, I want to believe that but then again her silence speaks otherwise.

[Oliver2011]

Well I slipped up and texted her this weekend. I asked how her evening was going and told her I understand she had to do what she did, since we cannot date I'd like to be friends and be able to hangout and stuff. I asked if she could chat this week if she's up for it.

No response of course... I'm not sure if she is not ready to talk or is ignoring me so I go away. She told me she wanted to keep in touch and she won't disappear, I want to believe that but then again her silence speaks otherwise.

"Well I slipped up and texted her this weekend." = One big step backwards.

You won't be able to move your life forward if you continue trying to hold on. Take a break apart and do something fun.

[Meeki]

Well we had a serious text conversation last weekend. We both really like each other still, but she is still confused about her feelings for her ex and me, finds the whole situation weird for her and is hanging out with her ex, but not dating (yet?). I told her I figured she will end up dating and I was a essentially a rebound. She said I wasn't a rebound, she really liked me and thought it would work, that she was ready for something serious.

She said she is just trying to go with her emotions right now and figure all this out. Unfortunately she is talking/hanging with her ex, which means they will either end up dating or she'll never move on.

She showered me with compliments and her regrets over her feelings messing us up but she does want to be friendly and stay in touch. That she will always think I'm wonderful and amazing and likely will always have feelings for me. I told her what she meant to me and that I want her to be happy and do what makes her happy. She asked how I was doing besides all this and said I can text her anytime to chat. All in all a good conversation.

So I thought, OK that is good. I do think she is wonderful and we want each other in our lives, we can be friends plus I don't have that many friends here. I texted her a few days later telling her some of us are going out Saturday and she's welcome to come. I explained I just meant it in a friendly way and not trying to play games or anything. She was terse with me, but whatever. Saturday I tried to say Hi and make conversation, saying I hope I didn't seem too crazy this week. No response.

I'm literally just trying to be friends, I don't get it. I've already moved my feelings aside and accepted things. She's the one who dumped me and now she's being distant...

Anyway, I'm doing muuuuch better. We have some mutual friends, they told me she is like this sometimes and that she was friends with all of her exes first for years before dating, making it that much harder to decide what she wants. I was only the second guy she ever really dated where she wasn't friends first and she was becoming attached. They said I just need to give her some more time, but she definitely will be friends. Said she is at a point in her life where she needs to figure out her future, she just started her first real job this year.

Then one friend told me some terrible stuff her ex said to her, it made me pretty mad at the guy. Called her names and degraded her, what the heck.

I've come to the point where I've just accepted that I won't understand this girl. She holds on to relationships pretty tightly, is controlled by her regrets a lot and worries way too much. In a sense we are very much alike, but I know when to let go.

I was contemplating texting her "Happy Valentine's Day" on Thursday but that becomes less appealing every day. Not that I don't miss her and adore her but it's for couples not girls hanging with their exes. She is a really sweet girl and deserves the best but so lost.