[theartisttwin]

Hi. I am new here. My heart is broken after my fiancé left a week ago. First let me say I am 47 and he is 31 though we had similar interests and we don't look far off in age. We had been living together for two years and got engaged four months ago. Though we travelled on vacations that were great, most of the time we were the home body types and spent every night together. He seemed to like that and so did I. When we argued it always became huge and out of control. It was less often than it was two months ago when we quit smoking. Then I became more irritable and a huge nag leading to huge fights. The last fight was horrible because he shut down and would not talk so I was in a rage. Each time it had taken him an entire days fighting to finally understand anything I was saying, much less me be calm enough to listen if he mouthed off back and put me in my place. (he was non confrontational... until I pushed the issue into rage from his not talking to me).

The result was, he left on Friday night. On Saturday there was a whole lot of phone fights some of which he was a nut or I was a nut, and others calm and him wanting me back so badly. However, during the crazy phone fighting Saturday night he was at his sisters with her and her best friend. The best friend called me back after I called him and yelled. She told me off. (I don't even know her) Apparently then, that night, he slept with her. Since then he has been seeing her and said to me crying "I have feelings for her". He said he has no interest in coming back here and would not even stop seeing her temporarily to give me time and respect (It has only been one week) He told me he had feelings for her only 4 days after meeting her. I am certain they had not had something going on prior. What I want to know how a person can spend every night (other than the intermittent heated arguments) saying he IS DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH ME AND LOVES HIS LIFE, then in only a couple days tell me he will always love forever but wants to try things with her. He seemed to erase me and our life. Is it possible for a woman to turn a guys head so around (after I pressed him he said the sex was incredible and that everything about her is great... it is how she makes him feel and she is a great person)?? Could he possibly be this deeply interested in a woman after that short a time and so gone from what we had? Mind you, we were laughing on the sofa all night enjoying our lives only over a week ago. I hugged him at the door every night when he came home... made him great dinners, and did things to change his life. Help me understand this new relationship of his, our past one and what you think his future is with her or what is mine? Thank you for listening.

[tinsign]

Honey any person be it man or women that can just go from one person to another that fast is not the type you want to be with.
You both were going at each other for a couple months... hun that's when it really ended.
Something I wonder about that you said though.. you said he left Friday and on Saturday the sisters friend was yelling on phone to you.. don't you think he might have been seeing his sisters friend even before that?
He claims to have feelings for her and can just push you aside that easy? Honey you might not think so right now but that fool of a man did you one huge favor.
You might think what huge favor well here it is... he showed you he is not the type of man that is willing to work things through.. what if you say had been married? You have rocky spots in any relationship he most likely would have just took off and from what I read ran into the next open arms he could find.
Think hard hun because I think this guy is not for you after all, if he was that in love with you he would not be acting like this.
Tell the fool if he calls or drops by... "sorry but i am not a child that plays games and this is not your hotel or do drop in" tell him to be happy with whoever cause you sure will look and find the right person.
Also hun sometimes age does matter you can be 47 but at like your 30... and I think this man is what to immature for you still

[s_cianci]

For some reason your relationship suddenly became volatile and he didn't want to deal with that. Frankly, I don't blame him. I find it hard to believe that it can all be blamed merely on quitting smoking. I think there's something else going on here. I think there's a possibility that this has actually been coming for a while, that, unbeknownst to you, he's been interested in his sister's best friend for a while and was just waiting for an "excuse" to leave you and start openly seeing her. I don't know if the constant fighting is what led him to that or not. Keep in mind that when someone ends a relationship, they made the decision to do so some time ago. I'm sorry for your hurting but I think you need to just cut your losses and get on with your life. Don't waste time and energy trying to figure out how or why things happened the way they did ; you'll only torture yourself and won't feel any better for it.

[tinsign]

Ugh I had posted and hit wrong button again.. hun this man is to immature for you if you disagree and he was that fast running to another he was never that in love for a marriage.
The relationship ended when the fights began as he was not willing to work it out with you.
I think this other girl he has been seeing for sometime before that.. to say he is that close to her already I find hard to believe
In a way though he did you a favor, you could bet on it that in the future when rocky time happened he would have ran to someone else even then.
Hun from now on when he calls or comes by tell him " this is not a woman you play games with and it certainly isn't the do drop in hotel"
Tell him that you wish him well but you are now looking for the right person for you.
OOPS GUESS MY FIRST ONE DID POST LOL

[go-ask-mom]

I don't understand how you can be so hung up on the part about how he has "fallen" for her and "can't let her go"... the REAL part you should concern yourself with, is that he had SEX with someone else!! I don't care if it was for one hour or one minute and can't get over her, whatever! When he left he CHOSE to have sex with someone else... people in love do NOT do that, and if they do, they are not in love! Did YOU go have sex with someone else? I'm sorry but that right there is the deal breaker for me... and should be for you too.

Say goodbye and good riddance! He will soon realize what he lost and how good he had it and that's why you continue on without him! Your worth more than that to someone out there! I'm not saying it will be easy but every time you think of wanting him think about him and this girl!! How would you EVER trust him again during an argument when he left? He's broken way to many lines to be forgiven. Move on!

[talaniman]

Count your lucky stars that whatever this was is over and done with and simply move on. Be a lot more cautious with the next one you pick.

[kp2171]

I'm guessing he was thinking about leaving for a long time before it all actually happened. The break might seem sudden to you, but if he's thought about it through all this rough time, to him its not such a leap.

I've had a milder case of this, where a girlfriend broke up with me stating she didn't really want to date anyone, and then was dating again within a month. Talking to her later, she really didn't think shed date so soon, but she admitted that shed been thinking about this other person for some time.

I think he left the relationship a long time back.

My wife is italian, and I'm irish. We have tempers. We've had a few blow up fights and some rough spots... but generally we really make an effort to talk respectfully to each other as much as we can. I guess that means if she calls me an a$$, she really means it. And I probably really am.

Point is... I think you're going to need to find a way to make yelling and fighting not the method you use to get the other person to listen. I'm not saying this is all on you, but I do think both of you, in some ways, both left the relationship behind when this kind of communication became acceptable.

One of my wife's fav lines is telling someone "im sorry you are an a$$hole" is NOT an apology.

You both stayed, he left sooner than you.

[theartisttwin]

PLEASE HELP ME! I have had lots of problems with my fiancée. He had a drug problem when I met him but he got off it with my help... had one relapse. But, I always felt he was taking advantage of me financially and out of need and lonliness. There were times we would split and I would ask him to leave, frustrated that I could not get through to him that he was hurting me and making me feel used. Most of the time he would go to a hotel and just drink and brood. Other times he made half assed suicide attempts probably for the attention or because he was feeling self pity and could not cope. My coping mechanism was drinking a lot because I had the gut feeling his feelings for me were based on need and gain.

A few months ago, I told him to leave because he was just being lazy and I felt overwhelmed with it plus I was worried about the money. He went to his sisters and kept calling and crying. The next night though, he met his sisters best friend who is very cheap and threw herself at him. He gladly accepted and thought he was in love with her shortly after (days). He had seemed completely over me.That did not work and I went to talk to him. I asked that we try again like a fool and he eventually agreed. We went to counseling and I had sometimes seen him trying to make changes like not accepting things from me he did not pay for or writing down finances or working very hard. I still had this nagging feeling because if he could move on with someone in just days and erase me how could it be love?

In the past three weeks though, we were starting a new business he seemed excited about and had a trip to Jamaica planned. But he said to me "I don't want any money from the start of this business so you can have it". I still had that nagging feeling because I was thinking... "You have drained me of money, of course that money should go back in my bank account". Then work for his own business started failing again and he started drinking and I saw him seem more lazy. One night he drank a lot and when I took away his booze, he downed a bottle of pills in a black out. He then started getting physical with me (which I admit I have slapped him a couple times before but was very remorseful and stopped). After the suicide attempt he was put in a psych ward for a few days. That put an end to our Jamaica trip and he even asked me to buy new tickets!

This past week he went to AA meetings because he was remorseful for hitting me but go to find out he was taking lots of Benadryl to cope instead. Even though I drank, I could not deal with the pills he was taking. It was hypocrytical but I felt I gave him everything and was being used so how could he be abusing substances? Plus he did not talk to me... he would withdraw until I got angry or frustrated.

The day I found out he was doing the Benadryl I told him to go to his moms. I just hoped she would make sense to him or he would think and come back. I acted crazy to her and even though she was a lousy mother (tossed him to live with his grandparents at 6) she blamed me and told him he was OK and not at fault. He kept calling me to get clothes I bought him etc and it all seemed material mixed with his lonliness. We just kept arguing by phone. Only three days later I found he got on many personal dating sites and now may be involved with someone new. I called him to ask how he could move on so quickly and he just said he doesn't want me anymore and was lonely. He demanded things I bought for him then I have not heard from him in a couple days and know he is with someone.

I go back and forth from missing him to self blame to crying to the memories and really am losing it. He said he wants to find someone "normal" but is along with the relationship sites he is on a strictly sex site.

Myself esteem is crushed and I can't stop the racing thoughts. I have not drank today and am trying not to but I was. I have trouble eating and sleeping knowing he is fine and glad to be away with someone else after all I did for him and gave him and how hard I tried. Please can someone give me some good advice? I am trying not to check up on him or things like that. I must be nuts to wish he would come back and then mix that with I am not good enough.

[margarita_momma]

Okay I want you to look at your situation as if you were seeing a friend in your type of relationship. She is with a user, a free-loader, a drug addict, an alcoholic, a manipulator, and abuser. If she came to you for advice, what would you tell her to do?

I know it is not easy to get away from someone like your ex. I have been there, done that! First and foremost, you need to go to counseling. Find someone to talk to that can help you to release the grip he has on you. Its not easy to do it on your own. Yes, you have memories with this man, but can you think of a single memory that you had together that doesn't make you wonder... "Aww here's a picture of us in Cancun. That was such a good trip...That I paid for!!!" He is a user sweetie. You have to move on. There is a list of things you can do after a break-up on a thread in the relationship file. Find something to occupy your time besides sitting alone and boozing it up. There is no need for that and you know it! Here is your chance to be a strong, independent woman so take it. Good luck hon!

[theartisttwin]

Can someone please read my last post? My fiancée and I split and he is dating someone already. I am having panic attacks and am scared. Does anyone in here chat on AOL instant message, aim or Yahoo instant message? I really need some help from someone who is experienced with this. I am 48 year old woman.