[ForeverZero]

This is a rant. I will not assess it as anything short of a total and complete rant. Don't like what I have to say? Stop here.

Breakups:

I hear a lot of people trying to excuse their breakup from everyone else's breakup because somehow theirs is different. Here's the deal with breakups. There is only one, single solitary fact involved in a break up. - At least one person does not want to be in this relationship. - That's it. There's no other facts that are consistent with breakups. There's plenty of patterns, and plenty of explanations, but at the end of the day, that's the only fact that is constant amongst them all. So anybody involved in a breakup would be wise to assess this single fact as the golden rule of breakups, and nothing else is a fact.

Games:

I see a lot of people that, in my mind, are living in a fantasy land, that seem to think that playing games will get you nowhere. That's the furthest thing from true. Life is a game, and you'd be wise to learn how to play it well. There's winners, and there's losers and then there's those who refuse to play. The only thing in life that isn't a game, is a relationship, while you're in it. Even then, there's still a minimal amount of game playing. Playing games CAN get you what you want. Everybody is hard wired to play games. I'm a man, so I'm going to use women as my example. Take your average woman. I'd say the average woman thinks brad pitt is the hottest guy ever. If not, substitute your dream boat of choice. So say brad pitt comes up to a girl and says "I'm going to have sex with you tonight". What's she going to say? NOOOOOOOO. What's the girl that wants it going to say? NOOOOO. (Not so many o's) Why? Because there's something about self respect or self esteem or dignaty going around. Let's say Brad Pitt then shows up at a party and presents himself as disinterested and unavailable. What happens? EVERY SINGLE GIRL THERE WANTS HIM HARDCORE AND WILL CHASE HIM DOWN TO GET HIM. That's how the world works. Now, if brad pitt knew all of this and chose to pretend to be unavailable to get what he wanted, what just happened? HE PLAYED A GAME AND WON! Now all those girls that turned brad pitt down got to say oh well he's a jerk anway. Really? Did you get what you wanted? Was what you wanted to know brad pitt was a jerk? Or was it hot wet jungle sex monkey style with brad pitt? Sounds to me like you may not have come out ahead on that one. Playing games isn't always a bad thing. As people mature, the need to play games gets smaller and smaller, but for the time being, most of the people in this age bracket need to play games to figure out how to win, and what losing really feels like. You can also choose to not play games, but in reality, there's a finite amount of people in the world who are going to accept you exactly for the way you are. Realistically speaking, that girl is probobly in taiwan and working in a sweat shop or something. In the mean time, wouldn't you rather find a girl that you'd love being with, but you got to do a little bit of work to get there?


No contact

No contact is the advice readily disposed here, and people tend to misunderstand it's meaning. No contact is not a tool. It's not a weapon. It's not a device. It's like sobriety. People tend to think no contact is going to bring your ex back. It's not going to. Nothing in the world but her feelings or your actions will bring her back. Don't get your hopes up, by your actions I generally mean your ability to solve the problem within yourself, that you, yourself caused, that ended this relationship. No contact is like sobriety. Ask an alcoholic why he drinks, and you'll get the same answer that most peopl will give when you ask them why they call their ex. It makes me feel better. Sure it'll be along winded reason, but the bottom line is calling makes you feel better. Just like drinking makes an alcoholic feel better. Do you really think an alcoholic believes that drinking is good for his health? In fact, does an alcoholic really believe there's any good tangible benefits from drinking? Probobly not. It makes them feel better.

Practicing no contact because somebody told you to isn't the right answer. If you think and more importantly believe it's in your best interest, it works. If you don't think it works, you need to do what's going to make you feel better. In the end, it's all about what makes you satisfied with the situation, not what's in your best interest. Productivity is the key. If no contact is going to leave you obsessing over your ex in 6 months, is that productive? No, it's not. If calling her 49242323434635 times is going to make you realize why it doesn't work, is that productive? Yes, yes it is. IF you never pick up an alcoholic beverage in your life, you'd be better for it. Does that mean it's right for you? No. It means that there's the right answer, the wrong answer, and the gray spot. Talking to your ex isn't the wrong answer, it's the gray spot.

I hear up down and sideways that calling your ex and pleading never works out, and people that leave you never come back and stuff like that. But I can cite plenty of cases that it does work. My parents being one of them. My dad left my mom for 6 or 8 months to see another girl. After this, they got back together and have been married ever since. Was my mom stupid for taking my dad back? Probobly. Is she happy? I can attest, after 36 years of marriage, she is.

Life is what you make it. Don't let other people make it for you. But don't be surprised if most of the other people are right.

[Teaching]

This is excellent advice. I realize it is a process we all go through, however it is truly about acceptance.

[JoeCanada76]

Foreverzero,

I honestly think we should nominate your post to the moderators. For this post should be the guideline and everybody who has a question on break up should be directed to its link.

Bravo Bravo Bravo.

Joe

[x-mo-x]

Wow!! I really enjoyed reading that and it is soooo true!

More more!! :)

[chuff]

This post is quite good. Extremely good.

There is one thing that struck me though and it is this line...

I hear a lot of people trying to excuse their breakup from everyone else's breakup because somehow theirs is different.

How true is that. I've said it myself when I was younger and we see it all the time here. The excuse, "but this was different" which is really an statement when your emotional to say "That's not what I want to hear because I'm still in denial."

Maybe it's some kind of emotional coping system to help us deal with the shock of losing someone but in the end it's still and excuse. Your relationship and your break up was no different than the billions that have taken place before what you currently going through. The faster it is accepted the faster you can start to find some peace.

[rol]

Very good post, just one thing
<< Let's say Brad Pitt then shows up at a party and presents himself as disinterested and unavailable. What happens? EVERY SINGLE GIRL THERE WANTS HIM HARDCORE AND WILL CHASE HIM DOWN TO GET HIM. That's how the world works. Now, if brad pitt knew all of this and chose to pretend to be unavailable to get what he wanted, what just happened? HE PLAYED A GAME AND WON!?

That's because that is what a girl wants ,a disinterested guy, not one who runs after her.Would you like a girl who runs after you?

I also agree with you about the fact many people are so negative here about exes getting back together, my parents also had a brief breakup befoe they got married.I see it all the time.

[Welsh lass]

Blimey I've got to say this is some fantastic advice! U know your stuff! Well done x

[Geoffersonairplane]

I like your advice and you have made some good points for newcomers here. I can't quite agree with the game thing. While I acknowledge what you say as a reality in today's social jungle, this goes against my theory that being true to yourself and others is all you ever should be. I think that playing games in life to become an assumed winner will only lead you to die a fake human being, unreal. I would rather die being who I am than what people want me to be with an aim to pursue perceived happiness. I'm not sure if I have read what you wrote wrong but I do agree that life is full of choices and one can play games to manipulate an outcome but is this person really happy? Is he or she really a winner? In who's eyes? In comparison to who or what? This is a funny world we live in because quite often we compare ourselves so much to others. We take a lot for granted, a lot..

I do agree with what you say that there are many that come here to AMHD thinking that in some way, there situation is different, that they had that one special relationship and things must be different. Not the case.

This is a good thread, enjoyed reading that! What Coffee do you drink?

[Geoffersonairplane]

But i can cite plenty of cases that it does work. My parents being one of them. My dad left my mom for 6 or 8 months to see another girl. After this, they got back together and have been married ever since. Was my mom stupid for taking my dad back? Probobly. Is she happy? I can attest, after 36 years of marriage, she is.

I don't disagree with you here.. I have seen it happen too, I just don't think it happens often. It does depend on a lot of factors and whether there has been significant change and emotional growth on either or both parties and acceptance that the past is the past.

Life is what you make it. Don't let other people make it for you. But don't be surprised if most of the other people are right.

Great advice here. It is important to keep an open mind and listen to others bit your life is ultimately what YOU make it.

[ForeverZero]

Hehe, just wrote this after a few shots of vodka during one of my more frustrated moments at my ex. Got a date with her today. Had to vent.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Vodka must be brain liquid for you then as in you raise a good debate. I just thought that the point I raise above may be an idealist point of view. Sadly life does not always and rather infrequently works for the idealist.

Would others agree?

[ForeverZero]

I wasn't going to rain on your parade. That's why I wrote this. Optimism and reality rarely coincide. That's why I'm going to get crushed by my ex in 2 hours. I suppose she could cry and beg for me to come back, but is that going to happen?

[Gawain]

Hi I agree with allot of what you say. But the no contact thing does work if anything will. If you can stay strong enough not to contact and get on with your life in the meantime, your ex will surely phone , that is if you have not been a complete rat, or she has not found someone else... She will be thinking “ oh he is getting on with his life “ “ why has he not phoned” “ he does not care about me” “ better see if I can get his interest back” Contacting them telling them how sorry you are, and telling them how much you loved them, does about as much good as jumping off a cliff while on l.s.d thinking you can fly..

[dreamguy]

I don't disagree with you here..I have seen it happen too, I just don't think it happens often. It does depend on a lot of factors and whether there has been significant change and emotional growth on either or both parties and acceptance that the past is the past.



Great advice here. It is important to keep an open mind and listen to others bit your life is ultimately what YOU make it.

I think that getting back together happens fairly often but staying back together forever is rare.

[poolking2011]

Hi everyone

I know this thread is really old but just thought I should add my story which kind of covers all aspects of no contact.
There's also a few members that are awhere of my current situation on this thread!

Anyway I was with the same girl for 7years in the beginning we were really really happy but as relationships do we started to show a few bad patches but we loved each other so much we worked through them, I would say after being 2gever for about 3years she decided to leave me I'm not sure why, and I then started chasing her and begging her for another chance I sent cd's and letters etc etc but evently she decided to meet up with me and the same night we met she feel back in love with me and we gave it another go and was happy again!

But after a year or two she left me again for many reasons,problems that we both had! I then gave it about a month of trying to get back with her, this time she went no contact with me! I eventually decided to stop messaging her and that I needed to make changes to who I am if I want her back so I also stopped making contact and started living my life again even though I had in my head I want her back! After about 3months of not speaking I get a message saying I miss you? So of course I was made up and happy so we met up and again decided to give it another go, this time I knew I had changed and grew as a person everyfing again was great for awhile, however the 3months apart hadn't changed her at all she was still out every week until clubs shut there doors drunk out of her face, I used to wake up to find her laying in the downstairs hallway passed out! Which was somefing we rowled about before! So we then got back to us rowling all the time and she even cheated on me because of how drunk she got, I finished with her only to have her begging for another chance which being the loved up idiot that I am I gave it to her! Only to have her back to being drunk in clubs about 2 weeks after,
Of course this made us rowl even more she also started saying I'm not sure if I want to settle down yet I want to go traveling and you don't etc etc and also said even though she loves me like mad she doesn't think we will work because I don't trust her!

After a rowl a couple of weeks ago she said we need a break and even though she doesn't think she can live without me she needs to try and she was in pieces crying like I've never seen before! I said OK if that's what you want and she moved her stuff out of flat and went to her nans, this time I'm having no contact with her from the start and its not to get her back but to find myself yet again after she hurt me so much! I won't lie and I do miss her and do kind of want her to come back but however as time goes on and each day passes I'm slowey thinking to myself actually do I want her back and no contact is making me see me for who I am and what I actually deserve! So in my experence so far with this girl begging her for another chance has worked to get her back also no contact to get her back! And also no contact to slowely get over her! Who knows what the next few months holds but I'm hoping if she does come back to me I'm strong enuff to say no thank you this time! as I can't see her changing this time!

I know it sounds like a really bad relationship and reading this back really doesn't look good at all but we did have some really good times and I no even now we both love each other! We just can't stay togever though because of the past! Which is a shame..