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lifegetshard · Apr 17, 2012, 04:51 PM

Let me first give a little bit of background information on my boyfriend:

He will be 21 in one week. He lives with his parents and goes to an art school. He's an extraordinary person in my mind, he has fantastic, creative ideas and is a gentleman in public. He has a job and does what he can to help out around his house.
He smokes pot on a daily basis though, and chain smokes cigarettes. His whole family smokes cigarettes. He has told me about his childhood: his father was an alcoholic but has since quit drinking. His father also went to jail for two years after attempting to meet up with and have sex with an underage girl he met online.
We have been dating since August of 2011. He has been a great boyfriend and I don't doubt his feelings for me, despite some of his unhealthy habits . He takes me out to dinner, has me over to spend time with his family, and loves more than anything to just go on drives and talk with me about everything, from politics to weird food combinations.
I often spend the night at his house. Almost every night, and usually the morning after, he pressures me to have sex with him. He has never been forceful, but it seems as though it's always on his mind and I say yes so as not to make him feel rejected (and, about 60 percent of the time, I want it too). What worries me is his drastic change in mood when I say no. The other morning I had to wake up and go to work. He tried dropping hints and engaging in foreplay, but I turned him down, kissed him goodbye, and left. He genuinely got angry at me. He posted a negative status on Facebook about "hating today" and I texted him. He responded saying he loves me, but just doesn't want to see, talk to, or think about me for a while. He called me later that day and apologized for acting so stupid.

There is no doubt in my mind that he has a very addictive personality, and that his father has had a big impact on his habits. I have told him this and talked to him numerous times about how frequently we have sex. He agrees every time that we need to cut down. But it never happens. Part of this is me, not wanting to cause tension between us by saying no. But like I said, it's not so much the frequency that bothers me as much as his reactions when he doesn't get it. His whole day is literally ruined.

So, is he addicted to sex? Or is he just like every other young man his age? I'm confused.

talaniman · Apr 17, 2012, 04:57 PM

He has issues, substance abuse aside, but he also has self control issues, I bet are not just about sex, but not getting his way. Immature, sure, but correctable if he so desires. This is one of those talk it out times.

ScottGem · Apr 17, 2012, 05:00 PM

I think you are a very intelligent person and I think you already know the answer to your question. You don't need us to affirm it for you.

You need to refuse your boyfriend and if he acts up again, you need to tell him he needs to get counseling before you can take your relationship any further.

DoulaLC · Apr 17, 2012, 05:04 PM

Hi lifegetshard,

He may just like sex. People will have different desires regarding the frequency. A bigger issue is how he reacts when you turn him down. Doesn't necessarily mean that he is addicted to sex, but he does not know how to handle what he perceives at least as rejection.

That you are feeling a need to give in so as not to upset him is also a concern and a very slippery slope to get off once you start.

This, along with his addictive personality, are red flags in the relationship and something that will need to be dealt with if you are considering staying in it. Have a discussion about your concerns and see what his take is on them. See if he is willing to work with you on making some changes that will leave you both feeling loved and respected.

Depending on just how serious you are, you may even consider bringing up counseling together.

If it appears that things won't change, you may have to make a decision about whether this is the sort of relationship you want to be in.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 17, 2012, 05:21 PM

You need to set boundries and let him know it is not right to be pressured into sex, you have the right to say no and he has to learn to deal with this.

If you give in time and time again, soon it will be give in on something else and it will get worst and worst.

Most men his age think of sex a dozen times a day, so no not a addict but a person who is still a boy in his way to deal with things, most likely lack of self control

lifegetshard · Apr 17, 2012, 06:15 PM

Thank you so much for these replies. I've been thinking that part of the issue is me, not sticking up for myself and not sticking to my guns when we talk and agree to cut down. I think he knows I'm a little bit of a pushover, only because I want to see him happy and hate when I put him in a bad mood.