[rolljeep]

I am currently in a newer relationship of 4 months. My question has to do with my current girlfriends Ex. :

They have a 2 month old son together, and they separated during her pregnancy (went out for 2 years) because the guy is not going anywhere in life. When their son was born, he stayed in Vegas and did not return until a week or so after his birth. He was also arrested and put into jail during this time for a month due to probation violations.

Since he has gotten out of jail (January), he and my GF have been speaking to each other several times per day. He claims he wants to be in their son's life, and has even watched him overnight a total of 3 nights.

He and I do not get along with each other at all, and it is beginning to wear down my GF. She told me we both trash each other and she is getting really stressed out over it. She told me he is going to be in her life regardless if we get along or not because she wants him to bond with her son and assume the responsibilities of being a parent.

This is where my major problem comes in. She has lied several times over the past month regarding the Ex. :

1 .Said that she was not with him at all during the day a medical checkup with her son. She said he was not going, but I found out she went and picked him up prior to the appointment. I found this out because I found a yahoo map with his address and directions to the clinic left in the truck. I called her sister and she confirmed he was with her.

2. Said she needed a break from the baby and went over to her sisters house for a few hours. I found out that her sister was not home at the time, and that my GF went over to the Ex's house instead. Again, I contacted her sister and asked a question and she was surprised when I told her that she was supposed to be over there a few hours earlier. My GF finally confessed and stated that she went over to the Ex's so he could visit and watch him while she took a break/nap when I questioned her because said she drove over to her sisters and she was not home and went over there instead.

3. There have been a few other times she stopped over their without telling me. She was late a few times and I was aggravated and asked why she was late with my truck. She finally admitted she was visiting him briefly and did not tell me until she left there. This has happened a few times.

4. Lastly, I have known that she talks to him on the phone several times per day. I questioned her about this and told her I do not like her talking to him so much. She told me she would not contact him but rather talk to him when he calls her. The phone bill came and she lied again because it showed she called him an average of 3-5 times per day since she said she would mellow out.

This pushed me over the edge and I began to question her relationship with him and faithfulness to me. I demanded answers and she said she was lying to me because she knew how much we disliked each other and did not want to make things worse etc.

Now here is the real problem. She told me that she wants to go with her Ex and his brother with his new baby out of town to visit their mother so she could see her grandson's for the first time. My GF wants to go, and said she does not trust her son with him alone for 3 days and wanted to meet his mom anyway because she has been sending cash and other care packages since his birth.

Needless to say, this question did not go over well with me, and we have been fighting for a week straight. She said I have nothing to worry about because she is with me and they will never get back together. She said I need to trust her, but I am having a really hard time doing it. We were fighting so bad during this time I thought about breaking up with her. She said she would not go if it would bring an end to our relationship. I finally got so tired of fighting I said go. She decided that morning she was going on the trip and again asked if it was OK with me. I gritted my teeth and told her she has free will and can do what she wants.

I regret telling her this because it is really tearing me up inside. I have a feeling deep down inside that she is trying to revive things with him and cheating on me or maybe it is just jealousy or paranoia.

I have been beating myself up all day and might break up with her when she comes back into town. When I found out she lied to me on several occasions, my trust diminished and now I seem to internally question her every move and motive.

I find this whole trip to be extremely insulting to me and well….. fishy. Am I am over-reacting and not really believing her intentions of trying to establish a schedule and routine with him to care for their son. Could she think I am so gullible that she can cheat on me under my nose?? She said the purpose of the trip was to meet his mom, and they would double team him regarding his lack of commitment to the baby.

I really need some input here because I do not want to destroy this without just cause. I have asked several people and most have sided with me saying she is cheating, while a few others think that her intentions true to establishing a positive relationship with their baby.

[talaniman]

If you don't want to be in this drama, then you need to stay out of it. He will be a part of the scenario whether you like it or not and you have only gotten the tip of the iceberg. That's her business anyway, as its his child. If you press too much or react emotionally, sure she has to lie in self defense, just to keep you out of what is her business. This is often the case when women have babies. They have to deal with an ex, and since you already have trust issues maybe you should remove yourself from the situation if you feel like its not worth it. That would be better than always being suspicious

[Bluerose]

I agree (had to spread it) Nothing will come between a woman and her child, he is the child's father she is being responsible keeping him in the picture. You are driving her to him.

[valinors_sorrow]

She told me he is going to be in her life regardless if we get along or not because she wants him to bond with her son and assume the responsibilities of being a parent.

You can either believe what she said here and find a way to butt out gracefully in this area of her life, allowing her to fumble through this on her own or you can choose woman who don't have kids since those tend to come with complicated ex problems like this. When you choose someone, you choose the baggage they come with to a large extent. She might have confided in you or even asked for advice but not now, not when it amounts to trashing the father of her child and producing more stress on top of the stress she already has. Sometimes its really a case that we are a part of the problem or we are a part of the solution without a lot of middle ground. Think about that in relation to what YOU are doing in the big picture. Remind yourself that you cannot learn her lessons for her, not on this one or any other.

[rolljeep]

I have told her from the beginning that I do not mind if she talks to her EX. I expect that. What I don't expect is the fact that she has to lie about it and on top of it she is using my vehicle to do so. When my new truck is out and she comes back home sometimes 2 hours late, I get suspicious when her reasoning is lame. She is not a good liar.

When we first starting to date, I even asked her if I should back off and allow them to try and work things out. She declined and said she wants to be with me and that she will never get back together with him.

I really have lost a lot of feeling for her when she started to lie and misrepresent her actions. I don't think this relationship is going to work because she cannot be honest with me regarding little issues now.

I'm sorry but a 3 day trip out of town just spells trouble and further reduces my interest level in this relationship.

[valinors_sorrow]

I have told her from the beginning that I do not mind if she talks to her EX. I expect that. What I don't expect is the fact that she has to lie about it and on top of it she is using my vehicle to do so. When my new truck is out and she comes back home sometimes 2 hours late, I get suspicious when her reasoning is lame. She is not a good liar.

When we first starting to date, I even asked her if I should back off and allow them to try and work things out. She declined and said she wants to be with me and that she will never get back together with him.

I really have lost alot of feeling for her when she started to lie and misrepresent her actions. I don't think this relationship is going to work because she cannot be honest with me regarding little issues now.

I'm sorry but a 3 day trip out of town just spells trouble and further reduces my interest level in this relationship.

I quite agree but I didn't think you saw it as clearly separate issues like this, hence my initial response. I separated from a boyfriend over similar ex and the kids issues and asked during that time that he decide who he wanted to be like, me or his ex. I had demonstrated from the beginning that I was nothing like his ex. I was fortunate he returned after thinking it over but I must mention that, while there had been a lot going wrong, he had not lied to me ever in all of it. Lying changes everything for me and I find its rarely recoupable. No way to know if you felt similarly until now. You don't have trouble in this relationship because of her ex, but because of HER. Sometimes it takes bouncing it off someone to see what it really is.

[talaniman]

Glad you see that you deserve an honest healthy relationship, That's all anyone could ask for.