[nonon]

I know there are many similar questions posted about this. But everyone's situation is always a bit different, and I just need to get your opinion on my exact situation.

I live in an Asian country, in a city where traditional values are still somewhat held tight, including virginity. I myself am a virgin, but my boyfriend of 6 months is not. And this bugs me, makes me cry almost everyday when I think of all he did before he met me. I'm 30 (I know I should be mature enough to sort this kind of things out, but I'm just not! Thus, I need your help) and he is 29.

I think of myself as quite a traditional person in terms of celibacy before marriage. However, I was engaged to a man and almost got married once (we did civil marriage ceremony and was in interim waiting for the official church ceremony before we broke it off), and me and my fiancŽ had had some physical intimacy, although we never went as far as losing our virginity.

My current boyfriend, though, in my opinion, was quite a promiscuous person, by our traditional standard (and by my standard, too):

He had his first girlfriend to take off her clothes for him in high school (when he was 16 years old or so) just out of curiosity.

He was involved in all sorts of physical intimacy with his other girlfriend in college (when he was 20 or so) - he said he never really loved this girl, but she was just there for him and he for her;

He lost his virginity to another girlfriend (who wasn't a virgin anymore at that time) - she was the love of his life and they had planned to get married before her parent interfered (her mom didn't want her daughter to move to another city after getting married, which was my boyfriend's intention if he were to marry this girl). They broke up 3 years ago.

After this girl, he had another girlfriend before me.

If we seemed to be so different (I'm more of an uptight, traditional girl while he's a carefree person), what made me love him, you might ask?

Well, maybe it is because we are so different, that I'm attracted to him. He makes me laugh, he always makes himself available for me, he is almost always the first to ask for reconciliation when we fight, he treats me with care and love constantly (giving me massage when I'm tired, offering to hold my grocery, etc).

But what bugs me is, he is always in the mood of making out. And I'm uncomfortable with that. He knows I vow celibacy before marriage, and never pushes me for sex, though he often pushes me for making out. But I'm uncomfortable with that, I guess I don't want to see myself like his former girlfriends, whom he easily "manipulated" (for lack of better word) to engage in all sorts of physical intimacy with him. (I'm sure I'm kind of biased here, because I believe they were consensual relationships. He's not a criminal.)

On top of that, I'm always disturbed by the idea of him with all those girls in his relationships with whom he had physical intimacy. The idea of him enjoying himself with another girl is just bugging me. And he was also a fan of porn back in his college days. And I just loathe this "promiscuous" (to me they are) trait of him (call me traditional, but those are just my values. I know we're pretty different, I should just find someone else. But I really feel a lot of compatibility with him; I feel very happy and secure with him - I don't know why the universe is playing this cruel joke on us by bringing us together :( )

When I said my objections (for making out) to him, he challenged me a lot, saying that physical stuffs is a big thing for him. We are now still battling it out, and honestly, it is getting really tiring.

Some back story: like I said, I feel really happy when I'm with him. I feel secure and content with him - when he wasn't trying to make out with me, that is. I just didn't feel financially secure yet about him. He admits that he gets quite a late start in the business world, but he promises that he will work hard (and he is now) to get himself financially steady for us to build a family (because I had said to him that I want him to be stable financially, since he brings up the subject of marriage a lot to me). FYI: He made an okay money now by our society's standard, but not by my parents (and my) standard.

Another thing is, I don't know if he really loves me. Thus, this idea of him and his ex-fiancee (to whom he almost got married) being really in love and doing it really bug me. I asked for a break up from him a few times (due to various subjects - I was careful not to make his past relationships a reason for breaking up because I think it's unfair to him), but he always persisted saying that he didn't want a break up because he thinks I'm perfect for him and he loves me. It's honestly kind of hard for me to let go of him, too, because I feel this sweet connection with him plus a weird attachment (maybe because I told him my past).

Please let me know your honest opinion about this. Do tell me I'm crazy if I sound like it, and so on. And please remember that I'm from an Asian country so we might have different standards about some things. My specific question:

Am I normal to be in doubt of whether to marry him or not? (due to his "promiscuity" traits, "promiscuous" past, instability financially, and his habit of pushing me for making out)

Lastly, thank you for reading this! Thanks a lot.

[talaniman]

If you cannot accept one so different than your norms allow, you should not be leading him on with talk of a future. I think you have tested him enough to make a decision, and I think its time to tell him honestly your feelings, and fears.

For sure letting him think you are okay with everything about him, when you are not, is not honest. That's no way to build a future, and if the past gets in the way, because you allow it, then what hope can a future have?

I think if you are intent on building a perfect life for yourself with another, but by standards put on you by society, then he will never measure up, and that's not fair. So you must decide if you can accept him or not, and let his past go, because no matter what you do, the past cannot be changed.

If he is not good enough, then what's the point??

[Jimfox]

My honest opinion is that marriage would probably not end his promiscuity, except, maybe, if he has had some kind of conversion experience. Do you want to live with a cheating husband?

And you don't know if he really loves you. This does not sound hopeful.