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redrumx3 · Jul 16, 2011, 10:59 PM

A guy I am "talking" to, and have known for two years, today told me he finds that drinking is the only way he can deal with his problems. I noticed before today, he'd tell me about different drinks he would buy, but also say he couldn't afford to eat. And today when he said he was in a bad mood, he went for a drive, got home and made a drink. He seemed happy about the drink part, but instead of going along with it, I lectured him.

My own father is a severe alcoholic, he made his own and our lives a living hell because of it. I watched him go from being my idol into this monster that I hid from when I heard his truck coming home. We moved out only last year so it hasn't been long, but he's still continuing down the path of drinking.

In any case, I texted him about a 2 page text saying "I live the life of the child of an alcoholic..living with him was living with a monster. i had to watch him morph into someone i didn't know anymore and learned to fear him. it's not the way to go, take it from me. i don't mean to lecture but the things he did and the effect it had...i can't not tell you because i care about you and don't want to see you considering that road. i'd much rather you try talking to someone. i can't tell you what to do, but it's only because i care about you and that's not the life for someone as awesome as you." to which he only replied, yea well I've been through a lot. And said he was going to sleep and would talk to me tomorrow. I replied saying I didn't mean to offend him if it came across that way, and that I was sorry for what he went through because he didn't deserve it.

I mean I'm sure he was expecting me to go along with his drinking but it's such a sore subject for me and caused me so much pain, I had to say something to him.

Was I wrong for saying what I did? I purposely didn't apologize for saying it because I think even though it wasn't what he wanted to hear, he needed to hear it

Wondergirl · Jul 16, 2011, 11:09 PM

You weren't wrong. You said what you did to him because you care about him. Unfortunately, he's the only one who can "fix" his problem, although telling him about your experiences growing up with an alcoholic father may give him food for thought.

Jake2008 · Jul 17, 2011, 06:38 AM

I think the most important part of your post should be his drinking, and drinking behaviour.

Why? Because you grew up with it. You couldn't change your father, and you will not be able to change him.

Stop and give your head a shake here. You aren't married with 2 kids and a mortgage, wondering if he's going to be able to get out of bed to go to work in the morning.

You may not be able to help him, but you can certainly help yourself.

If you are serious about this man, know that the #1 thing you cannot do- is fix him. He has to get the help he needs, and he does not sound anywhere near even being ready to contemplate thinking about getting help and changing his life. Without some effort, you will be living the life of being involved with an alcoholic man, and you know where that leads. Only to more of the same.

Set some boundaries and expectations and consequences. Tell him if you are more important than the booze, he will seek some serious help (don't expect miracles). Give him some time to think about just that one fact, maybe a few months. Don't push, question, or discuss it. He has to make the decision on his own.

After a few months if he has made no effort to even want to change and get into counselling/AA etc. my recommendation to you, is get out, and never look back.

Find somebody sober.

talaniman · Jul 17, 2011, 09:06 AM

Lectures are great, but he is who he is and as long as he takes the path he does, you know from experience, TO PROTECT YOURSELF at all times from HIS issues.

Change is up to him, NOT you.

Fr_Chuck · Jul 17, 2011, 09:11 AM

I lecture drunks all the time, does little good, but I feel obligated to tell them what is happening and the issues they are in.

But protect yourself, if this is someone you are dating, I would worry and consider if this is he life you want

JoeCanada76 · Jul 17, 2011, 09:20 AM

No you were not wrong.

redrumx3 · Jul 17, 2011, 09:36 PM

Thank you for your answers.. I'm not that serious with him, there's no title involved but it doesn't mean I don't care for him. I feel like he was just looking for a different answer and may have been embarrassed. He barely texted me today, maybe 4 or 5 altogether. I will probably cancel out any romantic involvement at this point not solely because of his drinking (which I don't know how bad it is), but because of the way he handled this situation. If we've only been talking a month romantically, how will he be six months, a year down the road? Anyway I just needed to know I did the right thing and didn't go overboard, because his reaction seemed like I did.