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pgraham54300 · Jul 9, 2011, 05:21 AM

My boyfriend (of just under 4 years) and I are going through a bad patch. We've been in a long distance relationship since we both went off to different Universitys and so far it's worked well. We talk everyday and make effort to see each other and we're very honest with each other. I trust him completely. Now I've just graduated and I'm moving back home, where he is, and for the first time in years we'll be able to see each other without knowing we'll have to say goodbye in a week or so. We've been looking forward to this for years, but I'm bad at putting too much pressure on a situation and that's what I've done here. We both know it'll have an impact on our relationship, good and bad, and I've said we'll both have to work hard at keeping the romance alive etc. Basically Im terrified that he's suddenly going to get bored of me. Its an irrational fear but I can't help it, and it's having a bad affect on us.

Today he told me he still loves me and wants to be with me, but it doesn't feel 'right' right now. I asked him if this means he wants to break up and he said of course not, he just wants us both to be happy. I said he has to decide whether he thinks he'd be happier without me or with me, working through this new phase of the relationship with me. So he is taking a break to decide how he feels.

I know this is a common problem and there are a lot of people posting questions relating to it, and I probably sound really foolish when I say this but I really think my situation is different. He's not being horrible or mean, he even said he really didn't want to have to make me wait, but I told him there isn't really an alternative either way; I don't want to rush into a break up because I didn't give him time to think, and I don't want us to pretend everything is fine either.

I'm devistated it's got to this, but I'm hoping if I give him time and space he'll realise that a bad patch is just a bad patch and we can get though it together. Am I being really foolish? I've read a lot of these posts and they pretty much all say that if your guy wants a break then the relationship is over. I just want to know that I'm doing everything I can to save us. Should I be doing something more? Should I just let him be and wait for his conclusion? It's driving me mad not knowing what to think!

Thanks.

amicon · Jul 9, 2011, 06:41 AM

''Bad patches'' aren't solved by taking breaks,they are solved,or not,by the people involved working together to see if they can indeed BE solved.

''It doesn't feel right now''-there's your answer-he's edgying his way out of the relationship,being too much of a coward to come clean and tell you he wants to break up.

Sorry,I realise you want to think your situation is different,but,sadly I don't see that.

BK201 · Jul 9, 2011, 07:19 AM

When you want to save this relationship, what you are thinking is correct. You would have to understand him. He wants to be understood. But that doesn't mean that he can take all the time in the world. Ask him to set a time, and then let him go free and think about this deep enough. The trick here is, you let his take his space under a set period, you would be a mature girl in his mindset, someone who can understand him. And definitely it will leave a positive impact. Best of luck, you are not being foolish. Just keep in mind that you can't be going behind him all the time. And make sure that you get to know what he wants to do firmly. Not wishy washy. Be prepared for the worst.

talaniman · Jul 9, 2011, 11:32 AM

Giving some space is one thing, waiting in limbo is quite another. He has shown an unwillingness to communicate, and find a way to work things out, creating confusion, and distance. NOT GOOD.

You are right, you have no choice but to leave him alone, and do for yourself.

Sorry, but I think he is taking the cowards way out, and you must make the decision to let go, and regroup, after a proper HEALING/GRIEVING period.

You can't work together to build anything with someone by yourself. But you can build a life that you enjoy without him. Again, sorry for your loss.

Chitra73 · Jul 9, 2011, 02:35 PM

I agree with Taliniman, I am going through a very similar thing to you right now with a few added complications thrown in. He isn't communicating with me either and it is very frustrating after being so close previously. Given that I am not in a good place right now I don't have any constructive advice but I understand what you are going through.