[514alex]

Strange title, yes I know but here is the story. I am meeting her in 2H for a lunch that will pretty-much decide the rest of my life.

I posted on here in OCT 2009 about the same girl.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nt-408958.html

We were having relationship issues centering around lack of proper communication and trust issues. We saw a therapist and have since reconsiled our differences or so I thought.

My GF has been going through a low slump for the past 2-3 months. From what I can understand it has to do with work issues, friends always betraying her, losing friends who just fall for her and she has to cut ties with, and a general sense of loneliness.

She works from home and claims that work is the only thing she can concentrate on and that show positive results the more you work on it.

To the above issues she has mentioned on numerous occasions that I don't speak with her in an appropriate tone and that when she comes to me for support or help I am not always there for her and just add to the weight on her shoulders.
I have always prided myself on being the person who was available for everyone when they needed help and to hear that coming from her is devastating. The only thing I can think of is that when she approaches me she sometimes seems to have a very accusing or harsh tone and that immediately puts my defences up.

Do I have to swallow my pride and put my natural defences up to speak with her openly and carringly no matter how she approaches me? I want to do that because she means the world to me but its not as easily done in the spur of the moment.

As for the second issue of my tone of voice, it doesn't happen often but I admit it has. I can stay it stems from the same issue of how she speaks with me and approaches me. When she is in need, polite and gentle then my paternal instincts kick in and all I want to do is help console her problems whatever they may be. When she's already in a bad moon I feel personally attacked and her actions put up my barriers.

Last night she said she loved me with all her heart and has done everything in her power to make things work out but she feels "really low and almost depressed" and my aforementioned actions are a part of it.

I suggested that we set aside a one hour or so timeslot per day where we can communicate openly and freely to resolve all the issues bothering her; including US. I usually come from home between 5-8PM, she wakes up later than I do and prefers working at night so when I get in she's generally on the computer. Since I have all evenings pretty much off due to her being home and working I started playing video games to pass the time. I would rather be doing things with her but I feel I am imposing on her workday and don't want to do that.

I feel that we live together but our relationship has suffered because of the lack of US time; we also have a freeloading houseguest that's been with us for a few months which hasn't helped private time together. Aside from setting aside US time daily what else can I suggest to her?

All I want is to be there for her and help her with whatever she is going through. Since she doesn't have many friends to talk to I have to and am willing to play that role also. It's a lot to depend on one person and I can see that if I can't not be approached or she is hesitant to do so... she remains alone to deal with it all.

I want to work on my issues with all my power and show a change for the better to at least get our issues off her mind. Its not right that we can't communicate effectively when she needs me the most... I am just unsure how to do so. I don't think breaking up is the solution since everything else between us is going well but this is a big issue.

I want to be there to help with all her issues, I don't want to be pushed away while she goes through everything alone.

[BK201]

Practice becomes a habit. For the first issue: You know what needs to be done when she approaches you to depend on. Only thing is, it should strike in your mind immediately that you should not take a defensive position no matter what way she is approaching. Once, twice you make it strike in your mind, from the third time you will be natural.
Also, try this approach: she is not coming to you for a solution mostly, but she needs you to listen to her problems or frustrations or whatever it is. Once she starts to feel that you are there to listen, eventually she will know that you are always there. You sound really gentle, which makes you a nice person.

[talaniman]

The biggest part of communications is being able to listen. Don't let her tone make you defensive, just give her your FULL attention. I think once she sees you being cool, calm, and collected, and emotionally available, she too will relax, and be mindful of her approach.

Now as to quality time together, that could just be quietly sitting near her when she works, doing your thing, while she does hers. Experiment and try things, coffee in bed, or a snack while she is working. I think you will find, it's the little thoughtful things you do, consistently, that work better that the big planned events, you pin high hopes on.

There is no substitute for paying attention to your partner, rather than being distracted by your own feelings. Learned that the hard way. Communications suffer when your hurt feelings, clog your brain.

You don't build walls between you and your partner, you take the opportunity to build bridges. Sometimes partners need time and space, and sometimes they need you to listen and acknowledge their concerns, without opinions, judgment, quick fixes, or ATTITUDE!

[Fr_Chuck]

A few hours did not cause the problem and a few hours will never solve them. It appears while you have made some progress, many more months of counseling may be needed, even a temp separation at times to give each other space to work on a new start is requiured at times. ( only your counselor knows that)

[514alex]

First off I would like to really thank you all for your comments and support. You have to realize that the time you take to read and answer people really helps them in their moments of dire need and you DO make a difference.

As for my case here is an update with positive progress and new challenges.

Before starting I'd like to say that deep down I am confident that things will work out. When we are together it seems like its us against the world and she feels the same way. I know she loves me with all her heart and is determined to resolve any issue. I love her for who she is inside and the better person she makes me strive to become.

Since my initial post we have gone through a few good talks, progress and a little incident.

We recently spent a few days off together and it was beautiful. No hang ups, just smooth sailing and good times. We talked some but nothing serious.
I always tried to be on her side and make her feel OK, accepted and cherished. I knew she was still sensitive inside so I was making sure nothing upsets her in the lease.

Last night we had a small incident when she locked us out of a place we were house sitting. When she called me to tell me I said "that was a dumb thing to do". The issue was resolved after we got a 2nd set of keys from a friend and we went inside. Once in the house she went downhill into a really sad and low sate. She would barely speak, cried and seemed totally wiped out.
I stayed with her for 2hours to listen, comfort her, and just be there when she needed me.
She eventually got through the slump but it just reaffirmed some of my thoughts.

Here is what I believe her issues are to the best of my knowledge from listening to what she was and was not saying for the last while.
-) she has always but more so now been stood up by friends when meeting them. This has caused he to ask if she's doing something wrong and why people can't have respect and call ahead. I mentioned that not everyone thinks the same way and some people are just not that respectful or thoughtful.
-)her private business is not going to all the places she wants it to be. She feels a sense of failure or lacking success. She's a hard worker and very talented in her area so it's a matter of time before it grows but its just not fast enough.
-) because the business is slow, government taxes and unexpected pet med bills her finances are quite low. She has always paid bills and held up her fair share in the $$ department so this is new for her. I picked up the slack in that department and never fail to mention that she would have done the same thing had the tables been reversed. I even offered that she keep a record and repay me when she could; just so she felt OK with it.
-)a close friend of the family who she's known for all her life recently passed and that wasn't easy for her.
-) she sleeps a lot, always tired. I feel like its emotional exhaustion which takes time to overcome.
-)ME? Am I one of her problems? I'd like to think not and its very hard to write this from a neutral perspective.
I always strive to be there for her in any way I can, alleviate the stresses of daily life and go out of my way to make sure she has everything she needs and more even if I have to sacrifice and go without.
If you read my first post and the one from last year that I linked you know I've had issues with tone of voice and not speaking nicely. I acknowledged it, didn't make excuses and tried to reverse that behavior.
My talking issue has gotten a lot better and I always think twice before speaking and three times if were having a heated discussion.
I can control those impulses and slowly wEed them out but how can I behave when someone can't have anything at all upset her?
Do I just leave her to be alone so I don't become a possible source of sadness and depressive feelings?
I just want what's best for her.


Each of these issues she could normally handle individually but all together they have killed her defenses.

Now any small thing that goes wrong, goes right past her usual guard and right to her and causes tremendous damage.

She realizes this fact and wants to fix it but doesn't know how.

We had an issue in the past with my tone and what I said but for me that was the past and will not happen again. Now anything I say no matter how small hurts her and has a TON of baggage attached to it.

I would like to know if you had some advice as to eliminating this baggage that she attaches to me.

Also how can I get her out of her uncharacteristically low point.

Thank you all for your time reading this!

[talaniman]

Glad you are making progress, that's great. Sometimes we cannot solve problems for our partner, just rub their arm, and give them silent support, by listening to their vents and rants, until the storm is over. Happens to us all as we go through the peaks and valleys of what life throws at us.

It doesn't have to be a bad thing to have a tough time, it seldom lasts forever, you just have to get through it until things get better. Good idea, keeping the tone low.

[BK201]

You have come this far which is really good. But I'm failing to understand why would you think that she is attaching a baggage on to you. Do you really think so? Have you thought what she would be, if you were not there for her?
Now now, for the first question, she is not attaching any baggage onto you, but you are attaching it by yourself onto your mind. At least, that's what I think.
The second question, I was wondering, is there anything she likes? What are her interests? This might sound silly but girls have a peculiar way of changing their mindset and getting rid of sadness. Some girls talk it out, some girls party, some watch Tom and Jerry. If she is into books, then get her some pep books which would really booost her up.

[514alex]

Wow just got off the phone with her and I think its over :(

She said that all the bad stuff over the years have built up so much inside of her that she just can't deal with it anymore.
She said she loves me with all her heart, wants to be with me but physically can't because everything I say hurts her and brings up old wounds. I have to find a way to resolve that.

She needs space so has asked to move out and recoup herself. I don't know if shell return but I will be there if she needs me. I have no interest in anyone else but her and have sworn to wait for her till she's back to her normal self.

She mentioned that I was much happier in the relationship than she was. She said there are thing about me she knows will not change and she can not accept.

She sees a pattern in me that I have been getting rid of. I have made great progress by taming my temper and tone of voice.

Is giving her space just a 50/50 toss up whether she returns or not?

If she truly says she can't handle an aspect of my personality that is on its way out what do I do about it?


Thank you all again.

[Fr_Chuck]

I would say ( and I am sorry) that it is far less than a 50/50, most often after "time" they don't look back, and if they do, it is for a memory, not the truth and when they come back it seldom works for long.

But then, again it can, Toni and I after a year break, got back together, we beat the odds so it can happen.