[elhornet]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now. We started dating in our hometown, then I was going to move away to school about 10 months into our relationship. He decided to move with me. I thought that was all I ever wanted.

We have started saying I love you. But Im afraid its not real. I think we are just used to each other and comfortable with each other. We both were very lonely before we got together, his sister hooked us up. We have been living in his parents basement free of charge. I just found a job and the semester is wrapping up. I want to start moving out and getting our own place.

But lately I have had doubts about us. And I'm not sure where they are coming from. I sometimes wonder if we shouldn't get a place together and I should try to get my own. Which would be very difficult since I only work part time but my parents are willing to help me out. I don't want to leave him hanging though. He hasn't been able to find a job and is collecting unemployment. I know he doesn't really like that he moved since we now live in the city and he is a very out doorsy guy likes fishing and hunting and camping. I feel as if he is just clinging onto my dreams and doesn't have anything he is living for.

I tried to bring this up to him and he said he loves me and wants what I want. How romantic is that? That's all I should need right? But its not I have to make all the plans, call all the shots, I have to organize us for everything. I want him to come to me and say I want to go hiking lets go hiking this day. We both quit smoking cigarettes as well but whenever someone ask him who doesn't know we quit he is like blaming me and saying its because I made him.

Why can't he stand up to these people and say we both decided to quit. Its like he is really afraid of showing other people that he loves me. I feel like he uses me as an excuse for everything. I can't do this because my girlfriend. Its starting to drive me nuts and it kind of hurts. Because then these people look at me like I'm lame and they don't really want to hang out. Im afraid I feel like I love him but like I said I don't know if its love or just that we are used to each other. Would we be better off separated? I don't want to leave him because he is the best boyfriend I have ever had and treats me well but latelty I feel like he is bored or over me but doesn't want to hurt me. He denies it though when I ask him.

[talaniman]

Maybe you just need to be on your own but are not quite sure how to go about it.

How about being honest with this guy, and ending this torture. Break ups suck, no matter how nice you try and be but it gets so much worse when you drag things out.

You seem close to your parents. Talk to your mom about your concerns, if you haven't already.

[sharper11]

I have been in the position your BF is currently in. The "Whatever makes you happy makes me happy" guy. This is no way to live. That person hasn't found himself yet (in my opinion). And, as romantic as it sounds, in real life, it's usually a turnoff to women. It gives the impression that he can't stand up for himself or has no drive in life.

His current job/no job situation may not be helping.

You've also hit a major step in your relationship. You've passed the "honeymoon" stage. This is a significant change. No more "lovey dovey" and more "so now what". Are you two content to just sit in silence and still know your love each other?

Besides the woman I married, I've been in three long term relationships, 2 ended after the first year, and the other last 3 (but with the last year of that was drug out because we were use to each other).

--In my opinion, you should talk to him about how you feel and see where it goes. He may be feeling the same way (or not), but at least you can start working on your relationship and move forward (together or not).

[mmresd]

First off, the I want whatever you want means: I don't know what to do with my life... So tell me how to go about it. Therefore... I don't think it is romantic at all.

Second, the way you describe this guy shows that you honestly believe that this guy has nothing going for him (which is true) and seeing that you have a certain level of ambition, that would cause you great doubts.

Lastly, the relationship doesn't sound healthy because it seems like you are doing most of the work. I am not against females working, but I don't believe that neither the female or the male in a relationship should be doing all the work.

I would suggest break up with this guy and being alone for a while. Figure out your goals in life, make a blueprint on how to achieve those goals, and then go after them. Right now he blames you for everything, tomorrow you will be blaming him for holding you back. He has no ambition and that is something that someone like you should be looking for in something that is going to be long term.

Good luck,
Javi

[elhornet]

The reason he has no job is partly my fault since he moved with me... and I don't mind him not having one since he makes about what I make at min wage. I really like this guy and feel like since being with him I have been able to find myself and have actually been successful in school... when previous attempts at college (not dating this guy) ended with me dropping out before midterms... I want to help him achieve his dreams like he has helped me but I already had a dream in my head he just enabled me to go after it... is there anything I can do help him find his? He talks about wanting to get into college and I have told him I will help him with the process since it can be confusing... but I also told him it has to be on him meaning he has to come to me and ask for help... which he has not done... I feel he only wants to go to college to make me happy and I know first hand in order to succeed with school he has to do it for himself. Thank you by the way your advice is truly helpful

[elhornet]

You are right the thought of breaking up has crossed my mind but I have no idea how to do that. I don't want to break up with him because he is amazing and maybe in the end we do breakup but I think first I owe it to my heart to give it my best shot and try and help him find something to go after... if I fail then I know where to go from there and can have closure knowing it couldn't work and I did all I could to try

[talaniman]

You owe your heart, and him total honesty, and the freedom to deal with reality. Because you don't know how to let go, doesn't mean you keep pushing forward.

Your intentions may be very good, but your methods may not be.