[mojojo_jo]

So my story is a little complicated.. I'm 18 and my 'boyfriend' is 20 now. We've known each other for over a year now and we've been kind of dating for 8 months but we are still not officially together..

When we met I was living in holland, in the same city he's living (he still lives there) but 4 months ago I moved to belgium (the distance between belgium and holland is compareable to the distance between san diego - los angeles) with my parents. When me and him met, my parents had already planned to move so I told him and he didn't like it at all but he wanted to have fun together anyway and than see where it would go. I agreed. But after a while we started getting more deeply involved and it wasn't as superficial as it was in the beginning. And then me and my parents had to move to belgium..

It was really weird in the beginning, we stopped talking for about a month and then he contacted me again. From then on we started talking to each other almost every day and now I've been to holland 2 times to visit him and he's been here to see me once. And we are much closer than we were before. But here's the thing: he hasn't been with other girls since he met me and he told me so. But he still doesn't want a relationship. He says it has nothing to do with me, but he just doesn't believe in realtionships anymore(because his previous relationship went totally wrong, the girl was really obsessive and stressed him out - eventually he broke up with her because he couldn't take it anymore) so he's afraid that we will end up badly if we get to a relationship.. he also never really buys me presents or anything..

Besides that I have nothing to complain about though, because he is so sweet to me and sometimes I can just tell that he really really likes me (especially when we are together! Then it's just me and him and we don't care about anything else) but when I go back home and we only have contact with each other trough texting or IM and webcamming and stuff, I start doubting.. : does he really care about me? Sometimes I think that I'm just a distraction to him (for the sex) and that he doesn't really need me. Cause he's not really my boyfriend.. although it really feels like we are together cause I haven't been with any other guy since I met him and he hasn't been with any other girl either.. I'm kind of confused cause he is so sweet to me but sometimes I just feel like he's using me.. what do you guys think?

[answerme_tender]

I understand that you care for him, but the thing is HE Doesn't CARE ENOUGH. He may be sweet and attentive when you are both together.

He has been upfront stating he doesn't want a relationship, but unfortuantely you have fallen into that category---"Oh, he will change his mind once I show him how much I care for him".

The facts are you are in a one-sided relationship. He may like you well enough to have a non-committed hook up, but he just isn't ready for anything serious.

What type of relationship are you willing to settle for. Don't you want more, don't you want to know that when you give your all its to a man that WANTS to cherish that all with a commitment at least to point of agreeing to be in a relationship with you!!

Take care

[talaniman]

Why are you having sex with a guy who says he doesn't want a relationship? That's crazy, and you are just friends with benefits and that's NOT what you want. So stop having sex. Then you won't feel used.

[talaniman]

it's a judging answer.. this guy doesn't understand my point of view

You give, and give, and he takes, but he doesn't GIVE you what you want. A relationship. But he told you upfront, he can't give that to you, but you just keep on giving. You have decided to settle for what you can get, and that's not a judgment, just an observation from what you wrote.

I understand your point of view, very well, you think you can change his mind. That may not happen as long as he is happy with the way things are, so why should he change it?

I mean why are you giving him what he wants, when he isn't doing the same for you? Why are you feeling used when you have allowed this friends with benefits relationship to go on in the first place??

[mojojo_jo]

So what should I do now.. should I completely end this ''thing'' we are having..

[Jake2008]

Well, you aren't boyfriend/girlfriend, you aren't a couple, you aren't exclusively dating, he's made it clear he doesn't want a serious relationship.

You seem to think that because he hasn't been with anyone else, and neither have you, that that makes you sort of together. It doesn't.

What it does make this relationship, is one of convenience. While you hang onto hope that he will eventually see the light and commit to you, he contacts you when he feels like it, more of a friendship, and keeping in touch, simply because it requires no effort except for a few keystrokes on a keyboard. Not really rocket science, easy to do, without anything further. Not to mention, that you settle for that.

If he were of the same mindset as you, you would be 'officially' a couple, and if you were of the same mindset as him, you'd not be in a relationship. The only common denominator here is that friendship seems to be the closest thing to what you have at the moment.

So, when you visit him, and sleep with him, that is a friends with benefits situation. No strings attached. Again, you want more, he doesn't. You settle.

You can't change what it is, because he is not willing to invest of himself. So the question becomes, what do you want in a relationship, and more particularly, what do you want in a relationship with him.

If you are honest with yourself, by your own words, clearly you want more, and on the other hand realize you won't get more from him.

So you either settle for what you have, or cut your losses and not invest any more time in a relationship that clearly isn't going anywhere.

[answerme_tender]

Honestly I would end this relationship. I guess from my point of view, you are a young lady who needs a man who will be there for her including being committed.

Why put all your emotions into this sponge. He is has no problem even though he has said he doesn't want a relationship, he still is sucking up all the benefits of a relationship from YOU, but still won't commit. To me that comes down to a one-sided relationship.

I know you care for this guy, but don't let yourself get anymore involved. Get out and enjoy being young!! Date other men, you never know what your actually missing out on by wasting your time with this other guy.

I wish you the best---take care

[mojojo_jo]

Thank you so much for your answers..

[JoeSwede]

Am in a similar situation and am curious to hear your situation right now.

The girl I'm seeing has told me that she is infatuated in me but doesn't know if she can fall in love with me. (big difference between being in love and infatuated).
I'm not sure what I want, less than a year ago I was in a 4,5 yr long relationship that broke down and have been dating quite a few women since then.
This girl I've been seeing for 3 months now since februari.
I really appreciate what we have and like I said I don't know what I want in the future. A relationship is of course something I know I want to have in the future, I just don't know with whom I want it. It could be her, but she seems to have closed that door.

I'm 25 yrs old by the way, with a great job and an otherwise great life situation.

Any input would be great to hear!

[amicon]

Joe,please post this under your own thread so that you can get advice regarding your own situation.

Tack!
(From a fellow Swede.)