[kieranwong]

Hi all.. I posted about 2 weeks ago saying my girlfriend needed a break... I kept minimal contact with her (2 msges a day) and 2 days ago, I got a letter from her saying that she wants to break up and she's sorry.. the reason being she couldn't cope with the stress of all the arguments and conflicts we went through. (at its peak it we were arguing once or twice a week.. over petty things, mostly started by me) She just started a new term in college while trying to apply to another one at the same time.. it must have been pretty stressful for her I know.. to balance her college life and the relationship with all its ups and downs. She then thanked me for everything I'd done for her, said she'd always remember the love I gave her, and hoped we'd remain friends.

It kills me that she was so nice in the letter.. during the break I was sort of coming to terms with the fact that it was over.. but her being so nice.. just reminded me of who I had just lost.. and I was wondering if this sort of break-up, or the sort that ends in a huge quarrel, is easier to get over?

Also, I'd appreciate your views on what went wrong in our relationship... I always thought conflicts were part of it.. but she couldn't take it.. was she just not ready to deal with the stresses of a relationship or were we really incompatible?

And finally, in her letter she'd hoped that I would be able to let go, and handle the break up well... she wished me all the best in everything I did... such finality.. is there ever hope of getting her back?

Thanks for bearing with me guys, any help would be much appreciated!

[ForeverZero]

Few things to keep in mind. Nothing is ever set in stone. You cannot speak in absolutes in terms of the future. The other thing you need to ask yourself, is what lead to these arguments just who you are? Do you naturally just pick fights for no reason? Or do you have reasons? If you do, I'd suggest you explain yourself to her, to make yourself feel better, at which point you just let it go. Right now your big problem is that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. You can't change that, only she can. The only thing you can do for that is to better yourself, and hope she appreciates the changes. But you have to better yourself for you, otherwise you're only setting yourself up for dissapointment.

[JoeCanada76]

Well, Which break up is easier. I do not think any one kind of break up is easy.

I could not tell you what went wrong, but one thing I would think is that she wanted a perfect fantasy relationship and when she did not get that. She took the easy way out.

Yes, I do believe conflicts is important in a relationship and working through them makes each other stronger. Some people do not think this is important but that is how people get into trouble in the future.

Is there ever hope of getting her back. There is always hope, but in this case I would have to say a BIG NO.

Why would you want somebody back that did not want to work through things? Do you really want that heartache for yourself? Is that worth it? I say no.

Joe

[shygrneyzs]

What kind of relationship is easier to get over? I have often heard, in counseling women, that if their partner had died it would have been easier to accept. Sounds gruesome, but think of it as death being the reason the person leaves; not another woman, not a job change. Since the person is no longer present, it is easier to let go.

As for your girlfriend, it sounds like she grew in a different direction than you. That happens. One can appreciate what the relationship was and yet not desire to replicate it or let it go on. So this gives you excellent opportunity to dig into yourseld and find out a few things about the way you deal with a relationship. You say you picked fights - what did you want to gain? Were you trying for the upper hand? Seeking control? Arguing over petty things can be seen as attention seeking behavior - "hey look at me over here". Women who do that are called "high maintenance". There is some jealousy and insecurity involved in actions like that.

You now have time to explore why you do the things you do. This cannot always be done by one's self. An anger management class might help - I am not saying you are a person in rage - but anger management can help with the following: 1) assess anger, 2) understand the roots/source of anger, 3) apply the steps of anger management and 4) reach a higher level of personal peace.

Like ForeverZero said, you need to make the personal changes for yourself, not for anyone else. When one makes changes to please another, it can be just fuel for the fire. That is where you see the comments like, "look what all I did FOR YOU".

There may be a time when you and your former girlfriend can connect again. No one can ever say. Maybe she will see,in time, that what you two had is worth all the effort it takes to make a great relationship. Best of luck to you.

[kieranwong]

ForeverZero - Yes I did have reasons, I had too much time and she had too little - that led to me wanting her to drop some of her activities for me, and when she didn't I got mad. Selfish and stupid, yes I know, and I regret it completely now... 5 weeks ago I started to see the light and tried to change my perspective completely - for her sake - but after that we argued about something else (her meeting a guy friend to celebrate his birthday over lunch) and it was then that she'd decided she had enough. Yes I now recognise where I went wrong in this relationship, but I just can't help thinking that its such a pity.. that she had to be the one to face my ignorance and selfishness.. it's so unfair to her.. and I wanted to make it up to her by changing but before I could she'd called it quits.
JH76.. I'm very inclined to agree with you.. she wanted a perfect fantasy relationship because she couldn't deal with the realities of a real one. I've concluded that she just wasn't ready, and neither was I. We're both 19, and this was our first steady relationship.
Shygrneyzs - first of all thanks! In retrospect, all I wanted was to spend more time with her but she wasn't very willing to give that time to me. Yup I think I need a bit of anger management as far as relationships are concerned. I let her have a piece of my mind for things I normally wouldve overlooked in otherr people. I was basically being very demanding.

So.. where do I go from here? Maintain our friendship? We'd been best friends before getting together and I don't want to waste that. Ppl suggest NC to get over it, but would that be being unfair to her?

[shygrneyzs]

I would maintain the friendship on a casual basis - don't seem needy or pesky. If she wanted her space, she has it now. Do what you can to get back into the swing of life. Not talking about dating but socializing. Maybe find interests or hobbies and take care of yourself. Be healthy mentally and physically. Keep your immune system strong - as this time has certainly been stressful for you and you need that extra energy to get through it. You both were under stress. She chose her way to end it and you can choose your way to regain your emotional health. Best of all to you!

[kieranwong]

I pretty much got myself back into the swing of life during the break.. I thought I'd accepted it and moved on.. but after reading her letter it took me back to questioning what went wrong, and if she really has realised that I've changed, why doesn't she want to give us another chance?
And when we do meet again.. is it advisable to bring up the past/the breakup? Or just pretend nothing happened?
Also, how much conflict is healthy? Where does one draw the line?

[shygrneyzs]

Pretending nothing happened is like ignoring the elephant in the room. Certainly you can talk about it and have a discussion about what your relationship was and things that were good and no so good. Both of you inputting your ideas.

Every relationship has conflicts, at one time or another. Yes, it can be healthy, it should be healthy because you need to be communicating honestly. But once you have discussed the past, move on to the current. Do not make the mistake of bringing it up over and over. There is the time for reflection, then there is the time for renewal.

One draws the line when it gets ugly. Lol. You will know when you sense something is not right and pursuing it does not make it better. When every little thing becomes an issue - that is over the line. When you cannot let go of an argument - that is over the line. When you feel that you have given every energy you have and something still does not "fit" - that is over the line.

I am going to give you a link that may help you a bit. It is written mostly for parents dealing with children - but take it and use as a general application of relationship issues. Reading step 4 and step 5. It is written from a Christian perspective and I am not trying to preach anything - it just makes good sense.

About the letter - just speaking from experience - don't dwell on it. It is like second guessing yourself and having that voice in the back of your head. I know I am not in your shoes, but I have been in those shoes.

Take care.

[kieranwong]

Sorry to be persistent about this.. but just hope you people will stick around and help :) Anyway my situation now is that I emailed her a reply, a kind of emotional reply where I too thanked her for everything and expressed hope that we could still be friends.. And when I checked her email (I have access haha) I realised she'd put it into her "Special" folder along with all my other "special" e-mails and stuff that's meaningful to her. I guess she still likes me, but definitely not enough to want to work out our problems.

I think it got ugly because of me. Every little thing started to become an issue.. I guess I started seeing problems that weren't there.. and many times I left an argument feeling immensely dissatisfied with the outcome.. the problem was with ME. But she so graciously took the blame in her letter.. saying that it was selfish of her to want to walk out on this, and apologised.. that made me feel worse.

I don't know.. I wish there was a way I could make it up to her, but at the same time I can't appear needy and desperate to see her right now. I'm keeping minimal contact and so is she. I wonder how things will pick up after this state of minimal contact between us..

Another obstacle to completely getting her out of my system - things that remind me of us. My office is where I spent a lot of time texting her, calling, in fact it's where I called and asked her to be my girlfriend. I also spent a great deal of time surfing the Net for gift ideas for her right here. And then there's the florist which I pass by on the way to work, and the road home where we used to walk.. practically every local shopping mall holds memories for us.. all this is killing me... help!

[Wildcat21]

When your on a break... 2 messages is a lot. Hell - that's almost too much when you date.

People Want What They Can't Have.

Sounds like she had you too much. Let me guess. SMOTHERING?? Yuck.

WHY THE HELL ALL the contact while you were dating?? You don't even need to call her once a day. I a msure she was SICK of all the attention. Yuck.

LEARN to give women sapce and let them breath!!

I advise never to text a women unless it's SHORT!!


AND GIFTS?? Gifts need to few and far between. Smothering. Yuck!!

Flowers?? Even fewer. I bet $1 million she was repulsed if gave them lot. She ran for the exits.

She probably is creeped out by you!! Seriously.

Let me guess you were SOOOOOOOOOOO 'nice' to her!!

You need to learn NOT to make women your life - they are part of your life - a small part until many. Many months and years.

Quite frankly - this al lsounds real unhealthy.

I am sure she wants NO CONTACT FROM YOU. She is tbeing nice. Leave her alone.

LEARN ABOU WOMEN. Learn to become a MAN. Not a 'nice guy'

Go to these websites and read everything:

SoSuave.com - The Don Juan Center - Learn the Secrets of Meeting, Dating, and Attracting Women!

AskMen.com - Free Men's Online Magazine - READ EVERY ARTICLE on dating and relatiuonships.

DELETE ALL HER E-mails.

[kieranwong]

Precisely - I smothered her and was being waay too available. It was very unhealthy. Wish I'd come to this site muuuch earlier..

[kieranwong]

OK here's my situation now:
To tell the truth I never really gave up on wanting to be back with her after the breakup. So I did a silly thing by asking her "are you willing to leave open the possibility that one day we might be together again?"
She gave a flat no. I was totally deflated after that.. but somehow it has helped me move on. I've given up all hope of getting back with her, and that is making my healing process that much easier. Today was my first day of no contact.

However.. I can't seem to stop wondering whether it was my fault... what happened was that I said something offensive to her (asking if we could continue doing something sexual she'd requested that we stop doing) and she almost broke up with me over it.. but she forgave me -- but demanded that I make up for it. I asked her how she'd like me to make up, she said it had to come from me. She was being very harsh to me, when I'd apologised profusely already, and because of that I got upset. So I pointed out that it wasn't right of her to demand that I make up, and I defended myself by saying I wasn't the only one to blame here, because she'd led me to think that she didn't mind what we did at first, and all of a sudden she'd changed her mind. And with that she called for the breakup.
Was I the only one to blame here, or was she being too harsh?

[talaniman]

It doesn't matter, not one bit who was right or wrong or who did what to whom.

So.. where do I go from here? Maintain our friendship? We'd been best friends before getting together and I don't want to waste that. Ppl suggest NC to get over it, but would that be being unfair to her?

This applies to you and you only , not the ex or her cat, just you.
NO CONTACT AT ALL, no emails, love letters, phone calls, or any thing that's brings you two together, when she calls be unavailable. Get you a life that you are doing the things you enjoy without her. Leave her alone and save yourself all that what if thinking in the first place, and focus on how you can be a better person.

[momincali]

Kieran, are you really surprised that after such a short time apart, she'd actually tell you that there was a chance of getting back together with her?

I don't think it was so much that she was looking for a fantasy relationship. Let's see, you argued frequently, many times over petty things, you selfishly expected her to give up a large portion of her life to satisfy your needs, you were jealous, and above all, you spied on her in her email (although she may not know it) I'm sure this behavior and attitude has contributed negatively to the relationship.

It's not that she couldn't deal with the realities of a real relationship, it's that she chose not to deal with the bum realities you brought to the relationship. You basically didn't trust her and smothered the hell out of her, fought with her for stupid reasons and then when the straw broke the camels back you stood there scratching your head wondering what happened?? That she was nice to you in that letter shows that she had class and dignity enough to be kind in the break up instead of letting this relationship push her to do something hurtful. I know you say you realized your mistakes, I guess it was a little too late.

So, no, one break up doesn't hurt more than the other. I think that as hard as it is, you need to respect her wishes and just be broken up. I'm sure that there are many many qualities in you which she truly loved, but the only way she's going to really draw them into her mind again is if you let her miss you. No contact. No contact of any kind. Not even smoke signals. For at least 2 months.

In the mean time, reflect on yourself and your personality and what it is that makes you do the things you do. And please, stop spying on her emails, that shows her no love or respect and should make you feel deceitful and dishonest.

[kieranwong]

Yes I do realise the part I played in it. But if the relationship mattered to her wouldn't she have stuck around to work things out together? She was never willing to talk about our problems, and doing so only made her mad, so issue after issue went unsolved. Yes I know now that this was a huge red flag.. but I couldn't have done anything to change that in her and make her talk about it..

[talaniman]

Yes I do realise the part I played in it. But if the relationship mattered to her wouldn't she have stuck around to work things out together? She was never willing to talk about our problems, and doing so only made her mad, so issue after issue went unsolved. Yes I know now that this was a huge red flag..but I couldnt have done anything to change that in her and make her talk about it..

You expect her to feel as you feel and do things the way you would, can you not see how incompatible you two where? She is her own person as you are yours. So your styles clashed and proved to be insurmountable and the relationship failed. Welcome to the real world where people hook up and break up. And try to enjoy the in-between. Nobodies fault really. You both were to immature to know better.

[kieranwong]

I had the feeling that we were incompatible somewhat. But I was willing to change, and hoped she was too so that we'd meet at a common point. But she never stuck around long enough to see the changes. I'd made up my mind in December to adopt a different attitude towards her personal activities, and from then on I gave her all the space she needed and showed an interest in her activities (which I used to view as an obstacle between us) The thing is, people rarely get things right the first time round - I didn't, I realised it, but changes take time.
Does so-called 'incompatibility' mean that the relationship was doomed, or can two people make things work out no matter the differences, if both parties are willing to change for each other?
Once again, sorry for this, I'm just trying to learn as much as possible from this failed relationship, so that I don't mess up the next one. Thanks people!