[mhuntley]

Okay, I need some advice. It's a complicated situation... well at least it is to me, but I'll do my best to explain!

My girlfriend of over 6 years and I broke up about 2 months ago. Here's the history, we both used to work on cruise ships and met on one in 2004. We were together for a year on that ship. Once we left, she went back home (she's from england), and I got a job in san diego. I spent about 6 months there, and although we hadn't seen each other, we were still kind of together. I got the opportunity to go back out to a ship that she was on, and we spent another 9 months there together. I loved her and cared about her. I never really felt like we were "in love", meaning that "spark" was never really there, but it was more like we just skipped over that part and were in the place you'd be after that new relationship feeling fades. Well, somehow we broke up again at the end of that 9 months together when I left the ship.

I went back to my hometown in new orleans, and she went back to england. After a short time apart, we still wanted to be together and I found a way to get a work visa for england. I moved over there after waiting for the visa for about 7 months. We lived happily in england for about a year and a half. As england was really expensive (and I was getting stir crazy) I decided to go back to cruise ships to help me pay off my school debts which were making finances tight in england. Of course she wasn't happy about this, but she supported my decision. I was to go back and do 3 ships, and then come back to england permanently and get married. At least that was my plan.

Well I did my first two ships, and it was hard to be without her, but I knew it would be. I saw her between the ships for a month in england. She came out to cruise as well on my second ship for her birthday.
Now here's where the bigger issue came into play...
Somewhere either right before, or during my time back on ships, I started to really think about being a father, and how much I'd like that in my life, based on spending a lot of my younger years around my friends little girl. My girlfriend knew I was thinking about this. She had all along said she didn't want kids (but she was a 24 year old dancer when we met, so obviously that was the priority, of course that was 5 or so years earlier.) I guess I just always figured she'd change her mind one day.

So during that second ship we started talking about this a bit. She still didn't feel she wanted kids, or wasn't really sure anyway. I began to worry about this. Not to mention that all the time apart wasn't helping! So after that ship I went back to england to see her before going to my last one. We had a nice time, but at the end up it we talked about the child issue and decided that we had to split up. I felt it was too important an issue, imagine we got married, then 5 years down the road and I'm 38 and ready for kids before it's too late, but then she says she still doesn't want them... what then! Do we divorce... at 38... and start all over again? So once again after a short time of being away from her, and torturing myself over the whole thing, I tell her that kids or no kids I want her in my life. So we get back together... again... and I go to my 3rd and final ship. During that ship, I still worried about the whole thing. And I also started to get some serious cold feet. I started to think that maybe I just wanted some time to myself when this was over before getting married. I mean, I had been a slave to one thing or other all my life. For the first time in my life I was about to be debt free, completely free... except that I was about to go right back to england and get married... so much for the freedom! So I just wanted a couple of months to enjoy freedom, maybe go hiking for a bit, go across the country... nothing THAT serious, but things I could really only do alone. Between that and the child issue, I was having some serious trouble.

In the end, we split up... again... over the kid issue... as far as she knows (not that it wasn't important... ) and I finished my contract. Now I'm back home... alone... missing her... and wondering if we made the right decision or not. I feel horrible for dragging her along, but I didn't want to break up, she did, I just wanted a little time is all. Now she's still home in england. I have credit to take a flight back to england which was my original plan, but after talking yesterday she seems like she doesn't want to get back together. She said that I "can't do that to her anymore...". I never meant to DO anything to her, I was suffering too. But I know she has a point.

So the question is this, do I let her go despite how I'm feeling that I love her and miss her, and want her in my life...

... or do I make one last attempt to get her back by either writing her a long letter and explaining how I feel, or telling her that I've got a ring, and a flight, and if she excepts my proposal I'll be on the way.

On one hand I love her and have a hard time imagining the rest of my life without her, and on the other hand I wonder what kinds of possibilities are out there for a new life.

I can't wait for much longer to make that choice as my flight credit expires at the end of jan. and mostly because I think she'd be completely over it by then!

I'm sorry this has been soooo drawn out... I just felt like I shouldn't leave anything out! PLEASE PLEASE help me!

[ironhide262]

Sounds like she doesn't want to get back together. You took your time to figure things out when you were confused about the whole issue and guess what?. so did she!

Why did you change your mind about having kids? If it is imortant to you( which it was) then why not find a partner who wants the same? You make a very logical argument about what to do if you were married and she still doesn't want kids. I know you want to have children with her but, you can't just change who she is.

I think this marriage proposal is just a last ditch attempt to keep her. Does it make sense to propose marriage after the last talk you just had with her?

You have spent a lot of time and thought over the kid issue. Obviously you feel very strongly about starting a family. Right now you probably are feeling lonely and very uncertain about the future. That can be a very scary place to be compared to the familiarity and comfort of your ex. But, a life with your ex( or is she that?) is just as uncertain if you look at want YOU want in a relationship. Are you going to be happy knowing you will not be having children? How will that affect the relationship with her?

In the end the decision is yours my friend. Nothing is ever certain but knowing what you want in life is key and at least we are content when we know we are marching in that direction. Best of luck to you!

[talaniman]

You can't have your cake, and eat it too! You want what you want, and its not fair to drag her through this confusion again. Let the credit expire, and do your thing for a while, a year maybe, and see what happens after the dust settles, and your confusion clears. That's what I would do and take my chances with whatever happens after you are on more solid ground as to what you want for your future. Having kids is a huge deal, an a wedge issue, and though to keep her in your life giving that idea up, it will bite you later if your not sure.

Be single, and let her be single, and you both should explore other options, and opportunities to be happy and fulfilled, without those artificial deadlines because of age, or any other factor. As you say, you have never been free, you are now, so explore it. No need to be hasty about changing your hopes, and dreams to keep someone who probably won't change for YOU!

Look guy, its easy for me to say what I think, but all that really matters is what you think, but I can point out that a decision based on facts, is better than hitting that brick wall over, and over, and getting the same results... a never ending headache, and the confusion that follows.

She ain't going to change, and you really don't want to.

[mhuntley]

I've considered taking a job in england as long as my visa is good. I still like the idea of living in another country. Plus, should things change for us we'd only be about 3 hours away.

Would you say that whole idea is a mistake?

[talaniman]

Its an option to consider, but is it your first, or best option for YOU? The only mistake you can make is NOT doing what you really want to.