[marion9]

I'm a girl and I've been in a relationship with another girl for ten years, a mostly happy one. I moved to a new country to be with my girlfriend and over the years have found it difficult to make my own friends in my new location. I'm naturally quite a shy and private person and spent most of my time with my girlfriend. I always wanted to be more outgoing and have close friendships but it seems to take ages for me, and in addition to this my girlfriend has been quite jealous and possessive, even a bit controlling. For a long time even taking a trip to see my family without her was a big deal for her. It's a lot better now since we have talked a lot about it. I even thought about leaving her last year but decided that I love her too much to do that. So we are together and trying to make changes.

Anyway about a year ago I made a friend of my own who I now see every week. We have been getting gradually better friends and we have a lot of interesting conversations and have fun together. She is a straight woman, she knows I'm gay but has no problem with it. She is currently single. Every time I see her I feel like the evening is cut short, because my girlfriend has this curfew for me to get home. So I have to get home, or she stays awake "worrying about me" and waiting to hear from me all the time. It's really annoying. My new friend wants to go out places with me, and we want to go on holiday together too. But I know my girlfriend wouldn't like that so I explained to my new friend that I probably can't do that. But I want to so much and it's making me resent my girlfriend!

There is a new twist now. My friend told me the other day that although she is completely straight she finds me extremely attractive. I told her that I think she is too. I think I'm developing a crush, but maybe I'm just excited about my new friend? I saw her last night and we were really obviously checking each other out. I think she's really sexy. I've started to talk to her even more, and I miss her when she goes away. I worry that something might happen to take her away or to ruin our friendship. It's so far a very mutual friendship, we call or text each other in about equal amounts. I think actually she contacts me more than I do her, because I'm so conscious of NOT being overly enthusiastic.

I will never make a move on her but if she makes a move on me, I don't know if I will resist. How much distance should I keep? On the one hand I really NEED friendships outside of my relationship after all this time. And I feel really lucky that I found someone that I get on with so well who doesn't try to change me at all. I feel happy and relaxed when we hang out. And she is so honest, about everything, it's incredibly refreshing.

On the other hand I want to do the right thing by my girlfriend, but I think she is unreasonably paranoid about any new friends that I make. I've resented for so long that she does this and I've ended friendships before because it's what she wanted. It's a lot better now, but I feel like I'm always asking permission to hang out with other people. I hate having to watch the time so I can be home as expected. I want to be spontaneous and just come home whenever the night ends. I want to travel with my friend and have some fun. But is that unreasonable?

On top of that now I'm scared that because I think my new friend is sexy and we compliment each other a lot, that my friend might suddenly freak out and disappear if she thinks we are getting too close. And I don't know where is the healthy boundary here.

I would really appreciate anyone else's perspective on this. Thank you in advance!

[talaniman]

That's really between you and your partner and depends on full disclosure. I think its dangerous having such a flirty friend to begin with, as you acknowledge you would pursue more if she made the advance.

That in itself crosses a boundary of good behavior, and shows you will cheat if you had the chance. As a matter of fact, saying you have a friend on your own like this, outside the relationship, is dishonest, and crosses the line.

In a relationship, there should be no secret friends between partners, so stop making excuses for your already bad behavior. If you can't come clean and talk, your relationship is a sham any way. Your hidden agenda is obvious, as are your excuses, but unless you can tell your partner, what you told us, drop the friend, and get one without an agenda.

Forgive my harshness, as I do understand the thinking that temptations can bring.

[marion9]

Thank you very much for your answer. I should clarify that my partner knows all about my friend and is happy for me that I have made my own friend. They haven't met yet but only because the opportunity hasn't come up. When I say 'outside the relationship', I mean this is basically the only friend I have made in the last 10 years who I didn't meet through my partner. All the other people that I see are my partner's friends.
I don't keep secrets from my partner.
BUT I can't tell my partner about this flirting (if that's what it is) because it doesn't feel as dangerous as you say, and if it is just a new friend curiosity kind of thing, it will wear off, and then I don't want to have dumped a good friend because of it. Do you think it's bad behavior to check out another person? Isn't that just human behavior? How can I tell if my friend has an agenda?

Comment on talaniman's post

"If you can't come clean and talk, your relationship is a sham"
Ouch

[DoulaLC]

It's perfectly normal to notice someone is attractive, but it is considered bad behavior to acknowledge that you might take them up on it if they make the first move when you are supposedly in a committed relationship.

You are walking a thin line and letting yourself get into a situation that you know is not right otherwise you wouldn't have to ask if it was OK!

If you are having any second thoughts about being in an exclusive relationship and may want to be available to meet others, then you need to be upfront and honest with your girlfriend about it.

Think of it this way... would you want your girlfriend going out, even considering a holiday away, with someone single who she found attractive and sexy?

[marion9]

Thank you DoulaLC. You're right. I know I'm walking a thin line - so what I really want to know is where exactly is the line so that I can avoid crossing it. I want to know where the boundaries are.
I've talked before to my girlfriend about making our relationship open. In theory she wants that (wanted it before I did) but in reality I think she is too possessive to handle it. So it's hard to know what's okay.
When you asked "would you want your girlfriend going out, even considering a holiday away, with someone single who she found attractive and sexy?" I'm afraid the answer is that I honestly wouldn't care. What does that mean - I don't know.

Having said that I do love my girlfriend very much, she's the best friend I have. I wonder if that is all she is to me now. If I told her that it would break her heart.

[DoulaLC]

Maybe it would be helpful for you to take some time to give careful thought to what you want.

Are you staying in the relationship because you really want to, you want to be just with her, or is it because you don't want to hurt her feelings and you are somewhat dependent upon her?

If you think an open relationship is doable for the two of you, bring it up. You will know soon enough whether she really is OK with the idea.

You can be best friends, but you may not have the desire to be in an exclusive relationship with her any longer. That is something you will have to decide.

It might be helpful to cool things off with this other person for awhile as well so that you can think clearly without the excitement of that friendship swaying your thoughts.

[marion9]

Thank you, you have been extremely helpful. I'm going to think about this

[talaniman]

It might be helpful to cool things off with this other person for awhile as well so that you can think clearly without the excitement of that friendship swaying your thoughts.

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to DoulaLC again.

Very excellent suggestion. I would also suggest more activities with friends who are not so tempting and more activities oriented. Easy to fixate when you have no other viable options.