[help0220]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year. He's told his parents he plans to marry me, and I'm going on his all-family trip next week to celebrate his parents' 40th wedding anniversary (and I'm the only one attending who isn't a blood relative or married into the family). I don't doubt that he wants to marry me, and I know I want to marry him. I'm in no rush to push marriage along, but I don't know what I should do about our living situation.

He and I are both in the midst of planning to move. He wants us to move into separate apartments, but he also sends me messages almost daily about how much he misses me and doesn't like spending time alone/apart. It seems wasteful to me to set up two separate apartments (we both will still need to buy a lot of duplicate items), when he has also told me he can see us getting engaged in the next year.

He's 28 and I'm 26, and he's in a much better position financially than I am. I know we shouldn't rush to move in together due to practical reasons, but he's seriously told me he wants to live 5 minutes apart so we can spend all of our time together but still have separate space.

Does anyone have any advice? Insight? I don't want to corner him into moving in together if he's not ready -- from a guy's perspective, should I try to talk to him about this or should we really move into separate places at this point?

[kp2171]

Generally.. spending all your time together isn't, by default, the best thing ever.

Have friends, interests, relationships outside this relationship. Pretty please. You don't want him as a girlfriend. He needs to build his own support network outside of you... that doesn't mean its wrong to spend time with you... but really... much of the interest and charm of getting to know someone is also getting to know and experience new things and new people... so... the separate space isn't a big red flag all on its own.

My concern is less with who lives where and more with how is your communication. If you cannot both talk openly about sex, money, goals, faith (or lack of), and needs... and did I mention sensuality and sex?. you will be at a disadvantage. Perhaps it'll all mesh nicely... but id feel better if you both at least had open dialogue in these areas.

I know this much... one Big Love lost on my side... we probably wouldve have had a different path had we lived together first. There were just some areas where we didn't overlap, and it wasn't clear while dating. In hindsight... I wished we had lived together before marriage...

[help0220]

Thanks! I should've mentioned he's works ALL the time, and we schedule separate activities with friends, especially during the work week. We actually don't see each other that often! We're on the same page with kids, religion, sex, etc.

[Alty]

The day I moved in with my husband was the day we got married. No, I'm not at all old fashioned, I didn't save myself for marriage, and I didn't and don't have anything against people living together first, but for us it was just more convenient. We both lived at home, we were both in college, and our parents didn't charge us rent, so every penny we made went towards getting our own place once we got married.

What am I trying to say?

I think you need to talk to him, find out why he doesn't want to live together, tell him your point of view, let him tell you his, and like any healthy couple, come to a compromise.

Good luck. :)

[Enigma1999]

Actually, I think I sounds like a good idea to take things slow. 26 is still very young, especially now a days.

It's good some times to have your own space.

I too, like Alty, didn't live together with my Husband until we were married.

He has made it clear as far as living alone, but spending time together...

At least wait until you two are engaged.

That's just my opinion.

Good luck.

[JulietHeart]

Personally, I do not feel like you should live with your mate unless you two are married.

Usually when people move in together (from friend experience), they never got married but lived with each other for years because it feels like they are already married or they broke up... some people do have an exception in this case though.

There is no need to live together right now... just wait until you are engaged or married
Living together should not be a big concern right now...
Continue to enjoy you guys beautiful relationship.

Wish you the best.!

[Alty]

I think the main issue for the OP is that moving in together would save money. I don't think she's as worried about the relationship as she is about the cost of having two apartments when it's clear that they're headed for marriage anyway.

I may be wrong, but that's what I read in her post.

I hope the OP comes back and gives us more info. :)

[talaniman]

My dear, you don't move in with anyone while marriage is but talk, and not a goal. Just because it sounds great, its only been a year and it's a big red flag when you don't know why he feels the way he does, nor can accept that he does.

I can't believe you haven't expressed yourself since he has told you how he wants things. For the record many feel they want to experience some freedom, and independence once they leave their parents home. So I think you forget saving, and pooling money, and living together, until its more clear cut what you have together is leading somewhere, and its NOT just a bunch of love talk. Real love is the actions you take for each other.

In your case, the ain't matching.

[help0220]

I think our case is a bit different from what people assume, but I do really thank you all for your input because this has given me a lot to think about. In a lot of ways, I would actually prefer my own apartment, separate from my boyfriend. What I'm unsure of is how impractical our situation seems:

My boyfriend wants to spend every night together, even though we currently live in separate places. I live in a house I share with 3 other people, but I'd really like to have more privacy, and am planning to move into a separate apartment (on my own). My boyfriend already owns his house, but he wants to rent it out and move closer to where I move, because we currently live about a 45 minute drive from each other. I just don't see the sense in us both moving 5 minutes away from each other, since there will be a lot of replicated costs.

I guess what I worry about in bringing this up with him, is that he'll likely agree to move in together. He's offered, but I'm not convinced he's ready.

After reading over your comments, I think my big internal strife is over whether I bring up the practicality (since it's bothering me) or whether I don't say anything (in case he moves in because it's practical, even if he's not emotionally ready).

[DoulaLC]

Has he actually said why he wants to have separate places? Ask him.