[Destinyofchaos]

Not sure where to begin, honestly. I'm still currently a bit flustered about the current situation I am in, but I also know that the next few hours will make or break, most likely, my future with this woman. I've spoken to friends about the matter, and have gotten a unanimous "you need to walk away from her" response from them all. Which is always expected from friends, though I don't particularly blame them nor think they are wrong in their responses.

It begins about five months ago. She came into my life like a storm, and before we knew it, we were both falling violently in love. It was enthralling. It was exhilerating. We spent every moment we could getting to know one another, inseparable to say the least. She had an ex boy friend she was dealing with, but that was something we both understood, and something we both vowed to overcome. We did, eventually. She got over him. Hoorah.

But the arguments, they begin to stack. I'm not innocent by any means, I've done my fair share of counter-productive things in the relationship we have. We both have, no doubt. Some of it stems from the jealousy that starts to build in my heart over little things, but there was a good portion of it that was very justifiable on my end. She begins to corner me, put me into a tight position. Pushing my buttons, seeing just how much she can turn the screws until I break. Eventually, I believe she has it down to an art, and begins to execute her moves with flawless precision.

But I'm onto her, I always have been a step ahead. I know her, inside and out. I know her, for who she is out in the open. When the guard is down, and no walls exist. I fell in love with that woman. With the beautiful eyes. I know what to expect. I know her every move, I finish her sentences when we're arguing, because I catch on quickly.

She pulls away, I try to reason with her, she comes back.

I pull away, she pleads with me, I succumb.

We both tell each other we're all in. That this relationship - we're serious about it. This is what we want. What we want to see bloom. The mistakes I've made, thrown into my face everyday, however. How can she ever trust me, she tells me, when I've hurt her so badly in the past? It will take time, will take effort. I can walk a mile on glass for this woman, and never regret it, because she's worth it to me.

She throws in my face how I've tried to push her out of my life. How can she trust my stability, when I was trying to get her out of my life at that time? She has reason to doubt, I see it, I'm not blind. But I came back for a reason. Because I love her, and believed in her. Believed in us. But here we go again, down heartbreak lane. Full speed ahead. I sent her flowers Thursday, an apology, an offering of love. Something I had never done in the past, but always wanted to. Sent them same day, because I wanted to make sure she got them when it mattered the most. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday... we spend a little time together, but not a great deal. I stay out of her way while she does her own thing. I know better than to interfere at this point.

Complemented on how I was perfectly sweet and kind this weekend for her, that I gave her what she needed to see. Only to be told hours later that she can't cope with it. That she can't deal with the hurt I've caused her. It burns a hole in her chest. That she is only with me for me, not for herself. And I think to myself, just a few weeks ago, you were begging me to change my mind when I was resolute about leaving you. Now you don't even care to work this relationship out, now you don't even want it for yourself?

I can sense the game being played here, and can only wonder how to move the chess board in my favor. But you may be thinking, why play the game, when you know it's a game? I don't intend to play chess, I'm not one for games. I think I'm going to throw the board down to the ground. Let the porcelain pieces shatter against the concrete. Black and white shards of a love that once was.

This time, I can't give in. This time, I have to finish what I begin. But I can hear her already. I can hear her mocking me, telling me here we go again. Another attempt to push me out of your life, eh? I knew you were unstable, I knew you didn't care. But, lets say I walk away, and she calls me in a few days... what then? Calls me, tells me she's sorry. Tells me she misses me, that she didn't realize the damage she had done. That she didn't realize the hurt she was causing me. That she never wanted things to go this way, it was just too hard to manage, she wasn't prepared.

Do I think she finally caught a breath of reality? That she finally stopped living this double life I feel she has, the life her and I share, and the life outside of that? Coming to her senses and being human, not robotic. Being loving, not calculating? Or am I to believe she will just throw it in my face a few days later.

You tried to throw me out, AGAIN, after you said you never would. I can never put my trust into you, you'll just push me out at your earliest convenience.

She will be calling me in an hour or so, and my intentions are to close the door. But what if she calls me and all is well? Do I just let it ride, and try to see this through, try to see the change. Try to see that she was just having a bad day and took it out on me? Or do I jump the gun, lay this all out to her, and walk off into the shadows forevermore? A reality check is long overdue for her, I can sense she's really lost grips with who she is. I'm unsure on what to do, how to handle this, and how to bring back the woman I know she can be. She's lost in a veil, and if there's anyway to uncover her, I want to do just that. I know she loves me, I know I love her, we just seem to have gotten lost somewhere along the way.

Maybe the fact that I've even had to come to this extent to try and fix the situation means it's not worth trying to repair. That it is far beyond repair. Maybe she's right when she tells me I've ruined the relationship we had. Maybe I should have stopped her in her tracks when she told me she's only trying to work things out between us for me, not for herself. Complications in my mind are stacking, I know just how complex she is. I want the complexity to disappear, I want the gentle woman back. I just don't know how to get through to her anymore. I fear time is against me. Thanks for reading if you made it this far, and thank you for any responses that can be offered.

[Wondergirl]

Don't answer the phone, and go into creative writing as a career. Very nice narrative.

[mystific]

I agree with Wondergirl, beautifully written.

It just sounds like she's looking for an excuse to move on by holding on to the negative and not being able to resolve them or work with you to get over these issues 'complexities', although you didn't actually say what it was that you done wrong.

Are you both able to sit and have an open conversation without the other pulling away knowing you'll be dragged back in by the other? To me that's just power play.

If not, then don't pick up that call. It will only lead to more heart break.

Good luck.

[Wondergirl]

So, what happened?

When I read your narrative, I thought of Shakespeare and a soliloquy -- DestinyofChaos standing forlornly on the riverbank, throwing stones disconsolately into the slowly moving current.

[Jake2008]

Reading between the lines here, it seems that the relationship started wrong, and only got worse.

You said that when the two of you got together, she was still getting over her ex, and that some time after you two began dating, she was finally over him. That makes you the rebound guy.

That is a different type of relationship than one that starts without the encumbrances of the emotional attachment of one relationship, still being alive when starting a new relationship. She was essentially, in my opinion, not over one man, before she started another relationship with you.

When a new girlfriend is still not over her last boyfriend, and she allows another man into her life, it is unfair- to you. Your role is more a protector, a rescuer, a knight in shining armor, a beacon of safety, security, and an alternative to finishing up business with one relationship, before starting fresh with another. You filled the role, as you so aptly described the very intense beginning of the relationship.

Then a little bit of reality set in. After being together only five months, you begin to realize that, after the sizzle and intensity of a new relationship starts to wane, the reality sets in.

You begin to see the person, for the person she is. She too, beings to see the person she is involved with. Incompatibility comes to mind. The two of you have issues of trust, yet, nothing seems resolved, before the next issue of trust comes up. You both keep going around this merry-go-round of being in, being out, being out again, and now you wonder if you should go another round and see what happens.

Because this relationship has only been five months, although you make it sound like a lifetime, it is what it is. A short term, rebound relationship, that turned out to be an incompatible match, not likely to develop into anything long term.

Just my opinon, but, my advice to you is to cut your losses, and move on. Next time, make sure you think about moving a little slower, with someone who is completely over their last relationship first.

[talaniman]

You are a great writer, but through all this its still a case of too much, too soon, crash and burn. The only thing that you have in common, is a flair for the (over)dramatic, and unwillingness to deal with reality.

[emopunk7]

Another situation that makes me say, "Been there. Done that". If you ever write a book, let me know.