[DazedAndConfused123]

So my ex (of almost 3 years) broke up with me about 5 weeks ago. There weren't very substantial reasons at the time as to why she did it, other than saying she was "unhappy". We recently met for the first time and things went well but said we shouldn't jump back into a relationship and need to at least date other people for a while. I agreed to this, because I want things to work for us, but also because I realize jumping back into something too soon without figuring yourself out is not a good things.

More background... HER FAMILY, our mutual friends friends, and of course my family support me overwhelmingly and are really upset at her for what she has done. Usually a breakup of an amazing relationship like we had is due to some sort of cheating or violence or something really bad. Nothing like that has happened between us, which of course makes me even more perplexed as to why she broke up with me.

Deep down I knew there was a possibility that there might be someone else, but I just never wanted to face it. Although a couple days ago I found some SUBSTANTIAL evidence that supports her going behind my back and being with someone else within the last couple of months... possibly leading to her breakup with me. She thinks I have no idea about this and basically thinks she can keep me on the backburner until she tries out this new fling (IF I am right with this theory, of course).

Anyway her brother is in town and really wants to meet with me and talk because he's pissed at what she did to me. I want to let him know about this new info I know about. I don't want to directly accuse her of anything... but I am almost certain she is lying and being manipulative and going behind my back. I won't stand for being played. If her family finds out, they will certainly give her a reality check (which is what she needs). I don't want to hurt her, but I can't keep this info bottled up to myself. Should I explain my concerns and suspicions to her brother when we meet up? I won't accuse her but simply discuss with him what I see and hear.

[Depressed in MO]

So my ex (of almost 3 years) broke up with me about 5 weeks ago. There weren't very substantial reasons at the time as to why she did it, other than saying she was "unhappy". We recently met for the first time and things went well but said we shouldn't jump back into a relationship and need to at least date other people for a while. I agreed to this, b/c I want things to work for us, but also b/c I realize jumping back into something too soon without figuring yourself out is not a good things.

More background.....HER FAMILY, our mutual friends friends, and of course my family support me overwhelmingly and are really upset at her for what she has done. Usually a breakup of an amazing relationship like we had is due to some sort of cheating or violence or something really bad. Nothing like that has happened between us, which of course makes me even more perplexed as to why she broke up with me.

Deep down I knew there was a possibility that there might be someone else, but I just never wanted to face it. Although a couple days ago I found some SUBSTANTIAL evidence that supports her going behind my back and being with someone else within the last couple of months....possibly leading to her breakup with me. She thinks I have no idea about this and basically thinks she can keep me on the backburner until she tries out this new fling (IF I am right with this theory, of course).

Anyway her brother is in town and really wants to meet with me and talk b/c he's pissed at what she did to me. I want to let him know about this new info I know about. I don't want to directly accuse her of anything...but I am almost certain she is lying and being manipulative and going behind my back. I won't stand for being played. If her family finds out, they will certainly give her a reality check (which is what she needs). I don't want to hurt her, but I can't keep this info bottled up to myself. Should I explain my concerns and suspicions to her brother when we meet up? I won't accuse her but simply discuss with him what I see and hear.

Well, you could tell them, but what exactly would you be trying to get out of it? I am not saying that you should not tell anyone, in fact, I think that you should... like a therapist or someone. It sounds like you want to try and make her come back to you by letting her family know what you "think" she did-so they can let her know that you know-and maybe she would come crawling back?? Probably won't happen like that. In fact, that could make you lose any friendship that may exist right now with her. Her family may be upset with the decision that she has chosen to make; however, they are still her family and will still love her no matter what she decides to do.

If I were you, I would work on how to make yourself feel better about the whole situation and move on. Trying to get through to her through her family is only going to push them all away eventually.
Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

[talaniman]

Sir, As you know we go back from the time you started posting here. In light of you not being forthright in bringing facts that are needed you also have danced around the advice and concerns of several members here. You still live in denial as we have told you on many occasions to stop contact and work on yourself. Of course you have held out hope to renew this relationship and are now engaging in bringing in family members to get her to see your point of view and resume this relationship. STOP, while your ahead and go back to the original advice, which was to stop all contact and leave her alone. You've already wasted months trying to put this back together for nothing it seems and now you are trying to tell us YOU KNOW what's best for this female, who is lying and cheating on you. Reality is waiting if you want it, otherwise..?

[tamed]

Your relationship certainly sounds like a complicated one and I know that complexity and relationships do not mix. You say that a relationship like yours only falls apart after something really bad has happened, however, majority of relationships fall apart because either one or the both of you have changed. You say she may be cheating on you but have you confronted her with it? From the summary of the relationship you have given, you seem very passive, were you like this in the relationship as well? The bottom line is this, your relationship with your ex consisted of two people, you and her, by telling her brother something you haven't spoken to her about is just asking for trouble and complications and you don't need anymore of that. You and her need to talk, ALONE, talk about your relationship before you involve anyone else.

[bkdaniels]

One question: What would be the purpose of you talking about your concerns and suspicions to her brother? The two of you are not even together anymore.

She may very well want to have you back, but women are like this, dog: They like to feel safe and have security. They don't like to feel like they are caught-up into something that they can not get out of.

How would you feel if you were a manager on the job and you told an employee that you had just fired to leave, but he just stood around talking to other employees? Eventually, you would begin to feel threatened, wouldn't you?

This is how a woman feels when she can't get gid of someone. She would not ever go back to a relationship like that.

Whatever your reason is, one thing for sure is, you are going to have to learn how to deal with the loss. Wanting her back is totally natural, but don't fool yourself.

You will just make things harder down the road. Getting on with a new life is one of the hardest thing to do especially when you have built you entire future around being with that person.

This is a part of life, however, that we can not do anything about - but enjoy while we can.
Just as a glass of milk when it is spilled to the ground, there is no picking it back up.

Drinking milk off the ground doesn't sound too healthy do it? The milk soaks into the ground and there is no way to pick it back up anyway.

Hope this answers your question!

REFERENCE(S)

1. Helpguide.org. Guide to Grieving: Coping with a Divorce or Relationship Breakup(Online: Helpguide, 2006) http://www.helpguide.org/mental/copi...ip_breakup.htm


Hope this answers your question!

[s_cianci]

I'd definitely discuss your concerns and suspicions with him. Don't worry about hurting your ex. If she needs a reality check, then so be it. You have a right to the truth and you're never going to get it if you don't discuss things with people when you have the opportunity.

[chuff]

Here I'll tell you. She was cheating on you.

I'll tell you this too. She is only keeping you as a back up plan.

Now you tell me this?
1. Why do you want a woman that treats you like that?
2. If she cheated once, what will stop her from doing it again?
3. If she does come back, how do you think it would work out with these deep feelings of pain she has given you?

It's over man. She knows it and is now playing you again. She's playing your hurt and pain for her own gain. Let her go so you can start the healing process.

[DazedAndConfused123]

Please understand I have come to the decision that I can not be back with her... it truly is better that I move on. I can't keep what I know bottled up inside, and her brother has been a great and supportive friend to me. He, along with the rest of her family, has NO real clue as to why we broke up and they are all in a state of wondering. If I have the opportunity to shed light with my feelings and opinions, and do it in a caring way without direct accusations... then I feel I should every right to explain my feelings. Believe me, I love this girl and don't want to hurt her... but I also want to help the people around us that cared so much about our relationship understand what is truly happening here. What person wants to be left wondering forever?

[talaniman]

Just to review,
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...hat-49386.html
Not much to add.

[talaniman]

please understand I have come to the decision that I can not be back with her...it truly is better that I move on. I can't keep what I know bottled up inside, and her brother has been a great and supportive friend to me. He, along with the rest of her family, has NO real clue as to why we broke up and they are all in a state of wondering. If I have the opportunity to shed light with my feelings and opinions, and do it in a caring way without direct accusations....then I feel I should every right to explain my feelings. Believe me, I love this girl and don't want to hurt her....but I also want to help the people around us that cared so much about our relationship understand what is truly happening here. What person wants to be left wondering forever?

In my opinion your acting out of hurt and disbelief, and your only motivation is to hurt someone as you are hurt. You have no business bringing some one else into your personal mess. Let it go and leave her and her family alone. You are lying to yourself and to all since your main goal is to hurt and humiliate this female and her family. Not a healthy way to resolve anything in my opinion, it is not only cowardly, but childish.

[tamed]

[QUOTE=DazedAndConfused123]please understand I have come to the decision that I can not be back with her... it truly is better that I move on. I can't keep what I know bottled up inside, and her brother has been a great and supportive friend to me. He, along with the rest of her family, has NO real clue as to why we broke up and they are all in a state of wondering. If I have the opportunity to shed light with my feelings and opinions, and do it in a caring way without direct accusations... then I feel I should every right to explain my feelings. Believe me, I love this girl and don't want to hurt her... but I also want to help the people around us that cared so much about our relationship understand what is truly happening here. What person wants to be left wondering forever?[/QUOTE

Dude, it becomes increasingly obvious that you have little idea of what a relationship entails and sadly no one can help you with that. You do need to understand that it is up to HER to tell HER family why you broke up not you. It also sounds like you care about other people's feelings more than you do about hers and sadly no one can help you with that too. You claim that you love this girl yet not once have you mentioned how she may react to what you are doing. When you truly love someone, you no longer become the center of your universe, at the moment though, you still are.

[chuff]

In my opinion your acting out of hurt and disbelief, and your only motivation is to hurt someone as you are hurt. You have no business bringing some one else into your personal mess. Let it go and leave her and her family alone. You are lying to yourself and to all since your main goal is to hurt and humiliate this female and her family. Not a healthy way to resolve anything in my opinion, as a matter of fact it is not only cowardly, but childish.

Yeah a lot of truth there. I went back and reread the entire post and answers from the link and no contact was actually contact and in this post it appears wanting to get back has turned into no I don't want to get back but for the good of her family. What is that?

She cheated on you. She was wrong to do it. But you know I have a good indication of why she did? You acted like a wuss? You played games? You never really listened to what she was telling you? And I'm guessing it was your first long term relationship so your inexperienced.

Your hurt. Your crushed. We all get that. But the reality is she cheated on you and even if you tell her family that and even if she admits that, there still not going to stop loving her. If anything there going to wonder why you are obcessing over this and start to see you in a new light and agree more and more with her. It's not going to help you at all. The only person that can start the road to helping you right now is you.

[bkdaniels]

A long as you understand where we are all coming from and have come to the decision that you can not be back with her... it truly is better that you move on, go ahead a do what you have to do. If you are able to get everything "bottled up inside" out, however this is a rare luxury that many people never experience.

According to Experts, children usually make better reason to hang around. Children will do best if they know that their mother and father will still be their parents and remain involved with them even though the marriage is ending and the parents won't live together.

For the in-laws, your ex-in-laws don't have to just disappear according to James J. Gross of Maryland Divorce Legal Crier. He suggests that if you are not Persona non grata or an unwelcome person, why not send a card, letters or email and checking in from time to time at special times to honor these relationships?

Be aware though, she may take this as you being manipulative. She may think that you are trying to somehow use that to get back in with her.

This is what I don't want to happen with you. If she come back to you, it will be because she wants to and not because her family is.

This may create conflict with her new other, if there is one. How do you think they will feel towards him?

Hope this answers your question!

REFERENCE(S)

1. James J. Gross, Ex-In-Laws(Online: Maryland Divorce Legal Crier, 2006) Maryland Divorce Legal Crier: Ex-In-Laws

2. grober, "Ex In-Laws" What to do? (Online: ojar.com, 2005) "Ex In-Laws" What to do?

3. Facts for Families , Divorce in the Family: Divorce(Online: Academy Endowment Fund, 2006) Divorce in the Family

4. Daniel Wayne Matthews, Ph.D. Marriage -- A Many-Splendored, Sometimes Splintered, Thing (Online: North Carolina State University, 1996) Marriage Relationship