[smileshaikh]

Hey everybody . Well I just joined this site to share my story, and hopefully get some advice. I'll get down to it. I'm 18 years old and I've fallen in love with a girl I've met over the internet. She and I are the same religion, Muslim. She is 21 years old. She lives in Africa but studies in the UK, and I live in the USA. We both communicate, write letters, talk, see each other, and plan to get married. We want it so bad. She currently is in Africa with her family because her studies didn't go so well due to her getting a disease which she has thankfully recovered from (but wasn't able to finish the year). The only thing is, despite the fact our religion (Islam) doesn't discriminate or put one race over another, her family cannot and will not accept me because of the fact I am not an Indian like they are. They are of Indian descent. I myself am half Iranian and half American. It is something out of my control. If she doesn't get married by a certain age (which I believe 24 is the maximum), they will choose somebody for her to marry. She has rejected so many proposals because of her love for me and I am so thankful for her doing it. The thing is, she was hiding it from her father because if he found out he would suspend her studies in the UK and not let her go back (because of me), it's a whole honor and family respect issue. Anyhow, I accidentally called her grandmas number the other day because once my love called me from it, and the grandma found out I was a boy and told my loves father. Her father found out. Today she was chatting with me on the PC and her dad peaked, asked who she was speaking to, and when she told him she was speaking to me he absolutely flipped. He went looking for a hammer to smash the lap top even though she pleaded not to because her UNI work is in there. He was so angry and yelling and shouting. He told her to never speak to me again. Either she marries me and never shows him her face again, or she stops all contact with me and lives under his rules. My love's brother hid the laptop. But he called the whole family to the living room and began talking about her. He told her if she was his brother he would have whipped her but because she is a girl he respects her and will not do that. He told her that I am an illigitamate child because my parents did not have an Islamic marriage (therefore my parents, according to his philosophy, aren't technically married) even though they've been together for about 30 years. Well, he himself had a forced marriage with my love's mother. Well, she was forced to, not him. She said he cursed me and said he never wants to speak to me because he will (f word profanity) myself and my family. Anyway, despite all of this, she still called me and let me know what happened because I was really worried when she left all of a sudden. She always tells me to be happy deep down inside and despite what happens she'll always want to be my friend and will always care for me, even if she has to marry another man. She tells me to be happy and to be strong even if I'm not with her. I've promised her I will be but the honest to God truth is I love her way too much to let her go with somebody else. At times I feel selfish because I feel as if I'm ruining her life and putting her in all this trouble with her family that she wouldn't have to otherwise endure if I was there. But I don't want her to be married with somebody else and wake up in somebody else's arms,it just makes me feel so horrible inside. Because the fact is we both love each other a lot, and we've already done so much for each other. But she says no matter what she cannot go against her family because they've raised her , etc. To be honest there's nothing that is religiously stopping us from marriage, because Islam is both important to us, and this sort of (racial issue being presented) isn't even an issue in the Islamic religion. Races are allowed to mix and marry freely as they choose. I just don't want to lose her and risk her being with somebody else and fallign in love with them. I wanted to contact them all this time and tell them how I truly feel but since her dad said what he said if he finds her talking to me he will ruin her studies and nthen we really won't be able to talk. So right now he doesn't ever want to hear from me. But at the same time I want to mail him, or write to him letting him know my true feelings and ask for his daughters hands and know what I have to do to be accepted. I really respect her parents, I love her so much and they brought her into this world, of course with the help of Allah swt, so I'm not one to disrespect them. I love them too. I think it's better than nothing but perhaps I have to wait on that idea until she's back in the UK and when he has calmed down a little. My brain says it will not work but my heart says, you love her, continue to fight for her and don't give up no matter what, because in this life, it's your last and final chance. And I've told myself I will never love anybody else, even if she does marry (Allah forbid), I will remain pure and truthful and loyal to my words that I love her and that I always meant it and I'll never let go, and I'll always have hope that one day, even if it be ten years from now or fifty years from now, if there is still any chance whatsoever of me being able to be with her, I'll surely do it. We love each other so much and we just wish that everybody would accept us and we'd have a happy life together forever. I am looking for any advice from anybody to achieve my goal of marrying her and for us to spend the rest of our lives together. Thanks for reading, I appreciate all of you. Salam (Peace).

Edit: I am honestly trying to make this work too and I know she is too and she is being sincere because she has proven it to me so many times. But as far as getting parental approval is concerned, do you think there is any chance or any ways I can do this? I am doing my best and I know she is too, but the culture is very strict. Disobeying them will get her "disowned", but at the same time she wants me badly just as I want her. She says she's stuck in the middle and she wished she didn't have to choose. I wish the same thing, if her family accepts me, we all can be one big happy family together.

[talaniman]

If her parents are the ones in control and they have their minds set against you, then sorry guy, you will never change their minds unless you get mighty successful in a real hurry. Even that may not be enough.

Wish I had a better solution for you. But it seems you are both powerless against the wishes of her parents. I doubt she goes against them so a very hard decision is staring you in the face, and I doubt you will like it.

Leaving her alone and getting her from the middle of this conflict is what you have to do, or risk some misery, pain, heartache, and some nasty consequences if her parents find out that you two are still in contact.

Again, sorry.

[smileshaikh]

Well so far we aren't taking no for an answer, because religiously we are fine and there is nothing holding us back besides them and we feel its for an illegitimate reason, so we continue to persist and have faith.

[Gemini54]

Be realistic. I think that it's very difficult for families to resolve issues like this, because the prejudices are so deeply held. Her father sounds extremely angry and I think to push the issue might put her safety at risk. In a case like this perhaps you do need to consider the family honor.

Apart from that, you are 18, it's your first relationship and you haven't actually met her. To swear that you will remain pure and loyal even if she marries someone else seems, no offense intended, patently absurd.

I'm all for letting the dust settle. But, do try and get a grip on reality, and listen to your head. The chances of marriage are very slim and you are still very young.

You can't make her choose dishonor and you must respect her father's wishes. It's time to back off and it may be time to let her go.

[smileshaikh]

Well the reason why I don't give up is because deep down I know in reality their "honor" is not being lessened because of me. It's something stuck in their head. This is their ideology and actually it reaches far back to hindu culture, but they claim to be muslim, so I don't know why these traditions which aren't an issue in Islam are reappearing. If I was really ruining their honor I would stop. And I am not quitting on her because of age, I know it's true love I feel it, and I can't ever give up. All I wanted was for them to give me a chance, but without knowing how I sounded, looked, or even acted, once they knew I wasn't Indian, the problem started. And it's true if I don't have her I wouldn't want anybody else, I'd rather be alone. Hopefully it works out but I thank everybody for responding.

[firmbeliever]

Assalaam alaikum,

As she requires a wali (permission of her father) to get married, as he is already against it, I would suggest for you to let her be.
As Talaniman said, this seems like a sure sign for heading into more heartache and pain. Once you get her to marry you against the family's wishes, someday she may come to regret that choice.

Let her continue her studies/life and let her find ease in it by making her choices without breaking up the family ties. Don't make her choose between her family and you.

Listen to the advise of the other members who have given their views.They are talking about reality.
You cannot change the mindset of a family in an instant.

Maybe this is your test to prove your worth by backing off and giving them space, if Allah wills that you two to be together it will happen, no one on earth can stop it from happening,but for now do not force yourself on this family.

.

[smileshaikh]

Assalaam alaikum,

As she requires a wali (permission of her father) to get married, as he is already against it, I would suggest for you to let her be.
As Talaniman said, this seems like a sure sign for heading into more heartache and pain. Once you get her to marry you against the family's wishes, someday she may come to regret that choice.

Let her continue her studies/life and let her find ease in it by making her choices without breaking up the family ties. Dont make her choose between her family and you.

Listen to the advise of the other members who have given their views.They are talking about reality.
You cannot change the mindset of a family in an instant.

Maybe this is your test to prove your worth by backing off and giving them space, if Allah wills that you two to be together it will happen, no one on earth can stop it from happening,but for now do not force yourself on this family.

.

Well firstly wasalam and I want to thank you for your advice, as well as others. I definitely am not making her choose between I and her family. I told her God forbid but if she ever becomes happy being without me then for her not to be shy about it. She insists she wishes her family would change their views and that their reasons aren't even valid in the judgement of Allah swt to at least talk to me. As soon as they heard I was a non Indian, they said marrying me was haram, and threatened to stop her studies. Alhamdulilah it seems as though lately they haven't mentioned it to her, so that may be a sign they are slowly giving in at least a little bit. I'm not in a rush and I told her that I'm willing to wait for her a million years if I have to in order to be with her. I know I'm not happy with anyone else. I know Allah swt isn't holding us back from marriage it's their mentality and nobody can say its haram just because of race. I've found so many brothers and sisters who've been in this same situation. Ever since I've been in it I've met one sister, and another two brothers who are going through very similar things. I will do my best to be with her and to gain family acceptance, and never do I intend to force her or make her choose, I would just like advice that would at least would get her family to give me a chance or at least talk to me verbally. You know call me old fashioned but I really do believe in soul mates. I won't ever give up because once I do I haven't been true to myself. She's changed me (of course Allah swt has made this happen) into a better person and she says she feels I've done the same for her and we both really do care so much. Brother please make dua for us to be together. It's so hard sometimes how it is but then I remember what you said, Allah swt has power over all things, so that's what keeps giving me the drive to continue forward. Thank you everybody, and wasalam, keep the advice coming,thanks.

[gtg231h]

Let me preface my response by saying that I am an American girl and I was raised very liberally. Fist, it pains me to see that her parents have so little respect for her and her feelings, although I am certain they think they are protecting her and doing what's best for her. Secondly, I have to agree with a previous response that you are very young to be making the promises that you are. Remember that you never realize just how young and naïve you are until much later in life. I am 26 now, and I can say with complete honesty that if I could go back, I would literally do EVERYTHING different. So my advice is this: do not make any rash decisions now. You said that you had until she turned 24, three years is a long time for things to change. If you truly love each other and this was meant to be, then I believe that it will work out. Have faith and do the right thing every day, and it will lead you down the correct path. Salam.

[smileshaikh]

Let me preface my response by saying that I am an American girl and I was raised very liberally. Fist, it pains me to see that her parents have so little respect for her and her feelings, although I am certain they think they are protecting her and doing whats best for her. Secondly, I have to agree with a previous response that you are very young to be making the promises that you are. Remember that you never realize just how young and naive you are until much later in life. I am 26 now, and I can say with complete honesty that if I could go back, I would literally do EVERYTHING different. So my advice is this: do not make any rash decisions now. You said that you had until she turned 24, three years is a long time for things to change. If you truely love eachother and this was meant to be, then I believe that it will work out. Have faith and do the right thing every day, and it will lead you down the correct path. Salam.

Thanks so much for your advice :) It's the truth, that is how they think but hopefully it will evolve with time and by them getting to know me better like you said. I know I'm young but I promise to be faithful, time will tell and I know I'll stick it through. I'm willing to wait, and hopefully by that time her parents would have already accepted me, but I'm in no rush and neither is she at the moment and we have both said the same thing, so we are taking it slowly and I think it is better for the two of us. I really appreciate your advice and what you said about have faith and do the right thing every day, thanks so much. I'll do my best and I know for a fact I'll be faithful and sincere to her because she deserves it and she's done the same for me, and hopefully with that everything will work out for the best. And walaykom salam wa rahmatollah :)