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ashleyfool1 · Feb 17, 2010, 12:58 PM

Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost a year. But for the past 7 months we have been in a fight about one thing, a guy I had slept with over a year ago. My boyfriend will call me names and break up with me and just turn off his emotions. He says that if I had not of had my relations with this guy, we would be in a happy relationship. It hurts because at times I'll really believe him when he says he loves me. But about once a week we will fight about my past over and over again. Why is he so hot and cld with his feelings? I feel like I'm a really loving and caring girlfriend. He lives in a college town 2 hours away from me and I go out there to see him all the time. I spend my time and money on him all the time. But I feel like I'll never be good enough for him. SOME ONE HELP ME OUT!

I wish · Feb 17, 2010, 01:01 PM

Sounds more like his problem rather than yours. He can't find it in himself to get over your past. Until he can do that, you won't be able to have a happy relationship.

The problem is that you can't change the past, so there's always a chance that his insecurities will creep up again.

You've given each other 7 months of chances. You can continue to give each other more chances, but if there's no progress, then you're both going to continue to suffer by forcing the issue.

Sometimes, it's better to go your separate ways and find happiness elsewhere.

talaniman · Feb 17, 2010, 02:38 PM

Sorry your wasting your time, and money, on a fool who can't get over your past. But this is starting to affect how you feel about yourself also, and maybe you should consider getting this fool out of your life.

Why should you suffer because he is a fool?

ashleyfool1 · Feb 17, 2010, 07:30 PM

Thanks! He has me on an emtional roller coaster! Its just he puts me down so much, I start to actually believe him. Hes never met this member of my past ever before so how can he judge him or me on it? I see it as, the past is the past. And its just confusing when one day he's telling me how much he loves me and the next calling me hurtful names! I guess I should get out while I can! He is a verbally abusvie person! It helps to hear from out siders!

Also, I've been wanting to block him out of my life all together, Facebook, phone number... but I just can't find it in me to do it. Can you give me some encouragement??

I wish · Feb 17, 2010, 07:37 PM

Check out the NC related threads in my signature. They provide a lot of helpful tips.

As for your situation, you should pretty much close your eyes and click "block and delete". Don't look back. It's time to move forward with your life. It's time to move on to bigger and better things. Leave the past behind where it belongs.

Romefalls19 · Feb 17, 2010, 07:46 PM

What is surprising to me is that you have actually wasted 7 months of your life on him. Arguing for that long about the same subject has to be testing. Read the stickies and you will find the strength to move on

amicon · Feb 18, 2010, 01:28 AM

I hope you find the strength to dump the emotionally abusive waste of time and space.
This is his problem not yours.
Find your selfrespect and end it.
Good luck.

talaniman · Feb 18, 2010, 04:57 AM

If you can't do what's necessary for you to be happy, then he has made you as big a fool as he is.

You don't want that, so start deleting.

jmjoseph · Feb 18, 2010, 05:08 AM

Why waste your time on someone who is going to hold your past against you?

Find someone who will respect you, love you, and take you for who you are and what you have done.

You need to run away from him, and never look back.

ashleyfool1 · Feb 18, 2010, 06:46 AM

But is what he say about me true? Once people get to know me, will they not like me of how I have acted in the past? Are there good guys out there? If so how do I find one? And how to I get myself confidence back??

ashleyfool1 · Feb 18, 2010, 06:46 AM

But is what he say about me ture? Once people get to know me, will they not like me of how I have acted in the past? Are there good guys out there? If so how do I find one? And how to I get myself confidence back??

Cat1864 · Feb 18, 2010, 09:43 AM

Originally Posted by ashleyfool1

but is what he say about me ture? once people get to know me, will they not like me of how i have acted in the past? are there good guys out there? if so how do i find one? and how to i get my self confidence back???

Ashley, what he has been doing is extremely close to emotional abuse. I can almost guess the cycle (I have seen this before):

You're together.
He gets upset about something probably unrelated to anything you know about.
So he picks a fight about your past just so he can relieve himself of his stress.
He breaks up with you because you don't meet his standards or you break up with him because you are angry and hurt (he then uses that as proof you aren't 'good' enough).
You calm down and beg him to give you a chance to prove you aren't like what he says or he 'calms down' and permits you the privilege of being his girlfriend, again.
Cycle starts all over.

This is not a man. This is a boy who has no idea what a relationship is. Once you understand that ALL the problems are his and he has been using you as a virtual punching bag to relieve his tensions, you can begin to see his words and actions as what they are; ways to manipulate you into doing and feeling what he wants.

No Contact should help you a lot once you get used to being on it. Understand that it won't be easy and you will have weak moments where you want to try again. Keep firmly in mind how all the other chances have ended. You are so much better than he deserves.

Yes, there are real men in the world who don't care about how many people you have had sex with or will judge you for it. Same way with women. True friends give support to each other and, though they may share stories or be concerned about each other, they don't judge.

You get your self-esteem back by living your life. Making new friends. Having new experiences. Find things you are interested in (volunteer work, community projects, continuing education classes, etc.) and put the time and energy that you were wasting on him into making yourself happy.

DO NOT hold on to the negative thoughts he has tried to instill in you. Let those go. Think positive thoughts about what you can do and where you will go from here.

Good luck.

talaniman · Feb 18, 2010, 10:05 AM

Quote by ashleyfool,
But is what he say about me true?

Probably not at all but he said things to manipulate and control you. He is a bully, and a manipulator, which amounts to being abusive.

Once people get to know me, will they not like me of how I have acted in the past?

After you have healed from his abuse, you won't worry about what others think, nor care because you will be happy with who you are and be willing to share that happiness. They will love you for you.

Are there good guys out there? If so how do I find one?

Keeping this fool out of your life is a good first step to healing, and being happy, and then you will surely be found by a good guy. You don't find a good guy, or good friends, you attract them.

And how to I get myself confidence back??

By doing good things that make you happy. And not putting up with any fools BS!!

ashleyfool1 · Feb 18, 2010, 12:19 PM

Thank you so much!! I just want the pain to go way so bad and just want a quick fix. But I guess there is no quick fix for a broken heart, all there is, is time. And the bad thing about time is, it actually takes time. There is no easy button I can push. But this web site has been a great help to me! I'm glad I have found it!

amicon · Feb 18, 2010, 12:43 PM

You will be fine,with time,keep busy and make sure you have the support of friends and family.
Good luck and come back and tell us how you feel.

Cat1864 · Feb 18, 2010, 04:56 PM

Originally Posted by ashleyfool1

there is no easy button i can push. but this web site has been a great help to me! i'm glad i have found it!

If you find yourself feeling weak, come back and read the thread or add to it. There will always be more advice and suggestions if you need or want them.

Good luck. :)