[shea2k]

Hi all, and thanks for taking the time to read this, and hopefully offer some advice.

I'm a 31 year old male, living in Ireland, and she (my ex) is a 23 year old, living in Mexico. We have sustained a 3 year+ relationship long distance, and have met up 4 times in all this time. We were to officially announce our engagement in February and marry a year after. We have a lot going for us, but this past years has seen a catalogue of fights and problems, all of which I've been blaming her for and thinking she was simply being irrational and possessive of me.

About 3 weeks ago, I had come online, as she did, and she sent me a text file with a copy of some emails that I had sent to another girl (living in Peru) and one to an ex-gf from years ago.

These emails were innocent from the point that they were not 'love letters' or arrangements to meet up etc, but they were highly damaging to my relationship as they contained very flirty language and one email to the girl in Peru had been discussing how void of passion that I felt my (then) current relationship had become and how I was simply 'existing a life rather than living one'... all highly damaging.

When my girlfriend had presented this too me, she simply wanted an explanation as to what they were about and why I was in contact with these girls.
But instead of being humble about it, I instead was arrogant and bloody proud. I was very angry at her having accessed my emails to 'spy' on me like that, but after I calm down (which was too late, because she had already broken up over it all) I understand that I have given her reason after reason to suspect me of those sorts of things, even though again, genuinely, I've never cheated on her or been with anyone at all since knowing her.

As things are now, and due to the very sad and upsetting news that her grandmother passed away this day last week (I thought very very highly of her), my ex and I at least have communications again, and speak most days in MSN, but she wishes to not consider ever having a relationship with me again, and wishes to remain my friend only.

She says she still loves me a lot and cares for me, but in a different way now.

I need to have her back in my life. I want her so badly, and especially as this has really forced me to finally open my stupid eyes and realise how selfish and self-centred I have been when all she has done is love me.

What do I do? How can I convince someone to give it yet ANOTHER 'try'... :(

[LUNAGODDESS]

It’s true... what I know for I am married to what some of us call here in the states a... mutt with the bloody mixer of Irish, Native American/Latino, African, French, German, and Hebrew... the statement that you made... “I instead was arrogant and bloody proud. I was very angry at her having accessed my emails to 'spy' on me like that, but after I calm...”

Questionable action number one: you sent emails on an address that your girlfriend uses also... yeah... you wanted her to find those messages... come on say... yes... you did... you wanted her to know that if she doesn’t want you... some one else will take her place... yeah... you cannot lie... for I am married to a bloody[Irish, Native American/Latino, African, French, German, and Hebrew] that Irish over rules all else... when I walk to a door and listen... I cannot tell the difference from a Irish or /Scottish conversation from that of an African American household... the same dialects are use in conversation... kind know how many of you folks influence the many here in the states... it is so fantastic when I have the opportunity... read and hear what I spent time researching for in my studies... Question... how much do you know of your girl friend’s culture and temperament... and just how much are you willing to compromise... Latinas are know for their hermosura and with their hermosura... they will act envidia... toward any women... you were at a safe distance my man... you and the women you were emailing... just stop the email... if a death of a friend or you wished to pass on a condolences to the family of a friend... she would not have given you any drama... for family is something a Latina will support and stand with... letter had to contain more than what you are sharing with us... for your response was one you are bloody proud of what you did and bloody he** and bloody you better get use to it... for I am man... and this is a man’s world... she saying no he didn’t... send jewelry... send flowers... keep sending emails with... I want you and no one else... fight for her... do not just sit on you butt... “I need to have her back in my life. I want her so badly, and especially as this have really forced me to finally open my stupid eyes and realize how selfish and self-centered I have been when all she has done loves me...” tell her that there is a ticket for her to come and visit you... sending her messages will bore her after a while... make the big move... invite your woman to your home... and show her you care... spoil her... that is after all what all Latinas want in their man...

[shea2k]

Wow, that was quite a response. Thank you.

How she came upon my emails was a little different to how you think though. It was from my own personal hotmail account, and she had already known my password to there a long time. I A)Forgot she knew it and B)Did not really feel I was hiding anything either, though despite those facts, the situation remains, she accessed them and the Latin spirit took over. In fairness to her, she gave me that opportunity to explain, but in fairness to me, my Irish pride took it from there and made a complete mess of it!

I understand what you recommend and I will act upon most of what you said. It makes sense. Thank you again.

[Allheart]

Hi Shea,

Well first, so sorry for the mess you are in. I am first curious as to WHY you were still in touch with these girls?? Hmmmm. Was it ego?? Anyway, it is a little concerning as to why your girlfriend felt the need to even read your personal Emails. Perhaps her radar was going off, something must have prompted her to do that. Sometimes, we do get a sense of these things. Shea, was she angry? You never mentioned anger on her part, if she was, it would be very understandable.

I do hope this works out for the both of you. My only advice on this would be, HONESTY HONESTY HONESTY, from this point forward. Be open with her as well. You are very forturnate that you still are communicating. Work on getting her trust back... gradually.

I will never for the life of me, understand why some of you wonderful men feel the need
To "flirt" with others, when you have someone else who has captured you heart.

Hang in there, what you did, in some respect was harmless, but in other respects was hurtful. The one point that would really have burned my bridges was you sharing with Ms. Peru, was how your current relationship was "void of passion" oh my, where are the asprin!!

I hope the both of you can find a way to have an open discussion, in the meantime, work on getting that trust back.

I do wish you the best.

[shea2k]

Thank you all heart. And yes, she was terribly angry, but not at the email, but I think rather at my pride and focusing on HOW she found the mails rather than the fact that she had.

Ego, maybe. Ms. Peru was someone who was giving me advice as she was in a long distance relationship also, but unfortunately, as she is quite attractive, my language was too flirty with her, and I will be ashamed at how far I had fallen from grace in my own integrity.

I have learnt such a massive lesson here, and I can only pray (as I have been) that it is not all too late.

I thank you Allheart for your reply, it was good of you to take the time for me.

[Allheart]

Oh Shea, the beauty of this is you do realize you went wrong. I hope that does come across to your girlfriend. In a way, I am releaved she was angry, as that would be a very normal reaction of someone hurt, which means, she does love you.

As far as your fall, don't beat up on yourself too much, although I can only imagaine what "too flirty" means... oh boy... anyway, I do think this will all work out for you, and you keep praying, and be genuine with your girlfriend.

You may want to explain to your girlfriend about why your initial reaction was the way it was.. and that is because, you did not want to loose her.

I will pray for you both as well... as far as Ms. Peru, she will need to find another Irishmen
To sort our her troubles.. what you think :)

[valinors_sorrow]

These emails were innocent from the point that they were not 'love letters' or arrangements to meet up etc, but they were highly damaging to my relationship as they contained very flirty language and one email to the girl in Peru had been discussing how void of passion that I felt my (then) current relationship had become and how I was simply 'existing a life rather than living one'.... all highly damaging.

I think your Mexican girlfried caught you being dishonest. If she got the news that your relationship had "passion problems" secondhand, then its adios for you and I agree. I would advise that you get more honest with yourself and others and quit shopping around for something better online. Wake up! "Mail order brides" require just as much care as any other woman. Now you know. Why not find a local girl and have a face-to-face relationship? What's with all the online and long distance stuff anyway?? That makes me wonder about your honesty in itself... not good.

[talaniman]

You made a big mistake in many areas, honesty being the most glaring, hope you learn. As tempting as the internet can be, as you see it can also cause a lot of problems.

[shea2k]

I think your Mexican girlfried caught you being dishonest. If she got the news that your relationship had "passion problems" secondhand, then its adios for you and I agree. I would advise that you get more honest with yourself and others and quit shopping around for something better online. Wake up! "Mail order brides" require just as much care as any other woman. Now you know. Why not find a local girl and have a face-to-face relationship? What's with all the online and long distance stuff anyway??? That makes me wonder about your honesty in itself....not good.

Thank you for your input, but to address a view points you had made;

There is no 'shopping around' for anything better, it was one person whom I met online and became friendly with, my emails that I regard as being too flirty used the words 'hun, and babe, and 'bonita' (beautiful) and ended in 'XxOo'

"Mail order brides", I know what you are saying, but I don't mind telling you I take great exception to this statement as it makes me and all the other 1000's of men and women across the world who have found love exclusively online be it by design or accident sound 'seedy', and I am far from that as is she.

My honesty is not questionable friend, this has been one mistake and one incident that has not been totally thought through prior to exercise, my 'history of failures' have been mostly due to my pride vs her needs. I tell you this in case you think I meant that I have been lying and cheating all this time or something, because I have not.

I thank you again for taking the time to make your statement, and welcome it just the same.

[Allheart]

Shea,

Don't get yourself upset, although I do undertand why. In no way, do I think you are seedy. And I did understand your "pen pals" were either former girlfriend or new found friends. Never came across as the mail order bride type :).

As far as your flirting, I did expect a whole lot worse, it seemed to be more playful than anything, but you see the danger in that.

As I stated before, the more difficult point would be revealing of concerns of your current relationship to someone outside the relationship. With that said, you have more than expressed a deep regret for it and full understanding as to why your girlfriend is upset.

I would almost bet that if your girlfriend was not long distance, you both would have worked this out by now. Because it is long distance, it may just take a little more time.

Hang in there!! I know of others who have done far worse and came out okay.

Keep praying and I will do the same.

[talaniman]

The only opinion that counts is your g/f's. It is as you say her that is mad not us so don't get sensitive now. I too question you having a g/f and still being on the hunt as anyone who read your post. All long distance relationships are difficult to maintain as it take a great deal of maturity and sacrifice to overcome the feelings of insecurity and trust. The not knowing is very hard to overcome and leads to many an argument over 'ME' time. The focus is if your g/f is mad about you contacting other women then that is the issue to be addressed. Be honest if females are the only ones you contact over the net then what could be your motivation? Sounds like a player to me, and I'm sure that's what is going through your g/f's mind. You may be innocent, but believe me you sure look guilty. A few changes need to be made.

[shea2k]

:) Thank you for your kindness as always 'Allheart'.

She is a really amazing young lady, and things are very nice between us at the moment, but whether that will lead us out of this 'friends only' phase/situation only time will tell.

Thank you again, I appreciate your thoughts and prayers greatly.