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85man · Jan 3, 2010, 07:45 AM

Hi everyone I am new to this forum and I need some advice about my relationship situation I'm going through. I've dated my girlfriend for 5 years she is 23 I am 24, we've been dating ever since the first day of college. We are the first to fall in love and the first to end up in a long relationship. She loves me and everything was doing great and I had thoughts of purposing her later this year. Unfortunately, we've been having some little disagreements about our beliefs and I took it pretty far. The problem is not really that I am Atheist and she is Christian. What went wrong was that I took a debate on religion too far and mocked her belief I regret disrespecting her belief. At first she was OK with me being an Atheist but I know I created the problem. She became frustrated debating and disagreeing so now she just broke up with me but still loves me and talks to me. She told me she wants to date other guys to see what else is out there and also to have fun and take a deep breath from dating me for 5 years. She isn't sure if I am the one to marry. I am shocked this happened and I fully regret any mistake I've committed. So I apologized to her I've already emailed her telling her how I feel and how hard it is, also how much I love her and regret the mistake. How we should really think about our differences and how I could compromise and accept her belief. I am going through so much pain at the moment and its been a week now. I have spoken to her over the phone why she wants to do this and she says she isn't sure if I am the one cause she feels unsure about our relationship. She started talking to other guys at the moment and she is willing to date them. She says she won't do anything physically like kissing or whatever but to find out what other guys are like and explore other personalities. I feel unfair about this and I am not in the right mindset and totally disagree with what she is trying to do. All I can do for now is give her the space and time. She says she will let me know in one month about her decision. She mentioned over the phone and email reply that the chances of getting back together are strong. She told me that if I will be open to get her back after a month of break. But she is still unsure and has the feeling of not fully wanting me but loves me. I am afraid she may not come back to me in a month I feel it is too short but I have a good feeling she may come back to me since she truly loves me and feels my pain and regret. But at the moment I have no clue realistically what could happen and very worried about this cause the 5 years means a lot to me and bonded us very strong. I love her so much she is everything I want regardless our differences but it hurts to see this is happening to me and our relationship coming to an end in a unfair way. So I'd like to find out what you guys say about my situation, any advice or related stories anyone been through. I will be glad to answer any questions so please help.

Devorameira · Jan 3, 2010, 08:49 AM

Atheist-Christian relationships, especially marriage, can be tough. It may be for the best that your relationship is crashing. I'm sure she's been bothered by the differences in your beliefs before, but when you opened your mean and disrespectful mouth, I think that was just all she could take.

To make this work, you'd both have to respect the other's beliefs beyond just paying lip service to it. Sounds like, deep down, you really believe that anyone who could buy into Christianity is irrational/stupid/has a couple of screws loose, so this probably is not going to go so well for you. Alternatively, if she deeply believes that you are going to hell, that's going to be uncomfortable, too.

Have you thought about a wedding? She'd surely want a church wedding with a pastor She may even want pre-marital counseling. Could you handle that and keep your mouth shut?

Have your thought about your kids? Would they get baptized? Would they go to Christian school? Would they be allowed to say their prayers? Would they go to Sunday school or Bible school?

I really do respect your views. You did say you were going to propose to her. Jesus created marriage, so why are you even considering marriage if you don’t believe in God? Maybe you should consider finding a lady with the same non-religious beliefs you have and just live with her. Shacking up is the normal way that people that don’t believe in God go.

amicon · Jan 3, 2010, 09:10 AM

Though I can see how the Christian/Atheist situation plays its part in this split I think your GF has been in two minds about your relationship for some time-five years at a young age is a long time and I think she wants to explore life as a single young woman.
You ,however, shouldn't wait around for her to make her mind up,you get on with your life and stay busy doing your own thing.
Go NC and clear your head from the confusion.
Take charge of your own life,let her sort hers out.

85man · Jan 3, 2010, 01:08 PM

Originally Posted by Devorameira

Atheist-Christian relationships, especially marriage, can be tough. It may be for the best that your relationship is crashing. I'm sure she's been bothered by the differences in your beliefs before, but when you opened your mean and disrespectful mouth, I think that was just all she could take.

To make this work, you'd both have to respect the other's beliefs beyond just paying lip service to it. Sounds like, deep down, you really believe that anyone who could buy into Christianity is irrational/stupid/has a couple of screws loose, so this probably is not going to go so well for you. Alternatively, if she deeply believes that you are going to hell, that's going to be uncomfortable, too.

Have you thought about a wedding? She'd surely want a church wedding with a pastor She may even want pre-marital counseling. Could you handle that and keep your mouth shut?

Have your thought about your kids? Would they get baptized? Would they go to Christian school? Would they be allowed to say their prayers? Would they go to Sunday school or Bible school?

I really do respect your views. You did say you were going to propose to her. Jesus created marriage, so why are you even considering marriage if you don’t believe in God? Maybe you should consider finding a lady with the same non-religious beliefs you have and just live with her. Shacking up is the normal way that people that don’t believe in God go.

Well yes we have thought about our kids and how this would work out and to be honest I'm fine if she wants them to grow up Christian, it does not matter to me since I am a non believer. As the children grow they will learn the two sides and they will have a choice whether to be christian or not. Well I promised a marriage because she believes in it and I want to make her happy regardless if I do not believe it. To me its more important to make her happy and feel right to be with me or at least ready. So yes I will give her a wedding and all that just to be fair.

I thought about finding a lady with the same beliefs along ago before this happened, I was talking to other girls not dating or anything but I found out by comparing them with my girlfriend. I thought about it and my girlfriend really stands out cause of her personality, intelligent, dedicated lady, and very caring women. I like the way she treats me and everything so I decided not to go on finding another women cause I do not want to go the same process. Waste more time plus I am not in the right mindset to do so. I know this is hard but do you think its OK if I at least wait for an answer later?

85man · Jan 3, 2010, 01:24 PM

Originally Posted by amicon

Though I can see how the Christian/Atheist situation plays its part in this split I think your GF has been in two minds about your relationship for some time-five years at a young age is a long time and I think she wants to explore life as a single young woman.
You ,however, shouldnt wait around for her to make her mind up,you get on with your life and stay busy doing your own thing.
Go NC and clear your head from the confusion.
Take charge of your own life,let her sort hers out.

Well I am giving her the chance so she could think about it and I will see how far this goes. I know you could easily say that I should not wait and just move on. But its hard the emotions, my love for her, takes over and I truly lover her too much so it's extremely hard to fall apart, she became a part of me like a second pumping heart, something special I look up too and think about you know. I don't know if you ever experienced a long relationship before like 5 or more years and it was going strong and all of sudden it starts to collapse at the wrong time of your life. Its very enduring painful right now and I have no clue what to do but just think about and wait for her to decide, I want her to fully confirm her decision making and make sure I am the one for her. I am not calling her texting her emailing her or anything just going to give it a shot and let her be till her heart starts feeling the love again.

Devorameira · Jan 3, 2010, 01:54 PM

Sounds like you've already decided how you're going to handle the situation. Good luck!

85man · Jan 4, 2010, 07:50 AM

Originally Posted by Devorameira

Sounds like you've already decided how you're going to handle the situation. Good luck!

My girlfriend called me yesterday at night out of the blew and I wasn't aware it was her thinking it would be one of my friends. She called to say she misses me and she kind of already feels the need to come back to me. I told her about the situation on how I agree with taking a one month break so she could figure things out. If I would've gotten her back now I think it's a little early cause her mixed feelings may come back and start the same repetition. At the same time she is encouraging me to date other girls but I that's not what I feel, I am not in the same position as her so that kind of hurts me but I just tell her that its not on my mind at the moment and how I am just ready for her when she makes it up 100% about getting back together. I would like to know if I did the right thing here, also if she ever calls back again sometime in the week should I pick up and talk right away or let her be and I call the next day? I do not want to seem desperate even though I am worried about what could happen after a month but hopefully things turn out very good.

jmooney527 · Jan 4, 2010, 08:15 AM

Your posts wreak of desperation so not picking up if she calls probably won't get any point across. I'm thinking this has nothing to do with religion at all. She wants to "test the waters" and see what else is out there, so she's using this "break" as a way to go do whatever she wants. If she doesn't find anything better, she'll come back to you. I don't want to sound mean, but she's walking ALL OVER YOU. I know you love her and everything, but what girlfriend tells their boyfriend to go date other girls and see what else is out there? She probably already knew you'd say you weren't going to date other girls but she said that to make it look "fair".

She's playing you like a fiddle my friend. You need to stop thinking about her for a second and think about YOU. What do YOU want out of a relationship? Do YOU really want to be with someone who strings you along, someone who tells you she isn't sure she wants to marry you? Think about what your wants and needs are. Don't let her walk all over you and concentrate on yourself right now. If I were you I would say you want the whole rest of the month to play out. You don't have to date other girls, but go do stuff that makes you happy as an individual and do some self reflection.

85man · Jan 4, 2010, 09:33 AM

Originally Posted by jmooney527

Your posts wreak of desperation so not picking up if she calls probably won't get any point across. I'm thinking this has nothing to do with religion at all. She wants to "test the waters" and see what else is out there, so she's using this "break" as a way to go do whatever she wants. If she doesn't find anything better, she'll come back to you. I don't want to sound mean, but she's walking ALL OVER YOU. I know you love her and everything, but what girlfriend tells their boyfriend to go date other girls and see what else is out there? She probably already knew you'd say you weren't going to date other girls but she said that to make it look "fair".

She's playing you like a fiddle my friend. You need to stop thinking about her for a second and think about YOU. What do YOU want out of a relationship? Do YOU really want to be with someone who strings you along, someone who tells you she isn't sure she wants to marry you? Think about what your wants and needs are. Don't let her walk all over you and concentrate on yourself right now. If I were you I would say you want the whole rest of the month to play out. You don't have to date other girls, but go do stuff that makes you happy as an individual and do some self reflection.

Its been 3 days so far but technically a week since she went on vacation with her family last week. Yes I agree it isn't about religion anymore its more of what you stated her testing the waters. The thing is I felt this same way she did beginning of last year. I wasn't sure about marrying her and stuff but she was ready for me. I went through sometime to think about it spoke to other girls but not date during that time and I managed to get out of this situation and felt happy I decided to come back to her. So I am ready for her now but will need to wait since she is feeling the same so I guess it takes time and yes I will try not to think about her too much and let her figure things out. At the moment I will not jump to conclusions and will let it flow the way it is.

amicon · Jan 4, 2010, 10:40 AM

Meanwhile you make sure your own life goes on-dont put everything on hold. Keep busy don't let this stop you from having a life.

85man · Jan 4, 2010, 11:07 AM

Originally Posted by amicon

Meanwhile you make sure your own life goes on-dont put everything on hold. Keep busy don't let this stop you from having a life.

Yeah your right at the beginning couple days ago it was so hard man but I let my emotion out and I've never been so badly hurt like this but thanks for the confidence I hit the gym Monday through Friday so that helps me a lot and of course got my friends I will chilling with on the weekends for now.

amicon · Jan 4, 2010, 11:19 AM

You see,in spite of the hurt and pain, we have to get on with our lives-it's our only option.

Spending time with people we like and vice-versa is a great thing so enjoy your friends .
You take care now.

talaniman · Jan 4, 2010, 02:21 PM

I would be doing my thing, whether she came back, or not.

Your handling this the right way.

85man · Jan 4, 2010, 03:51 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

I would be doing my thing, whether she came back, or not.

Your handling this the right way.

Yeah I know I am doing the best I could at the moment so in case she calls back I will talk to her without emotions and just have a simple mutual conversation.

85man · Jan 4, 2010, 09:38 PM

I went to the gym and lifted weights. Then later in the day I guess I had my last emotional feeling of crying hard, and right after I finished crying couple hours later the pain started calming down. All I have now is just my heart pumping pretty hard. Still confused but feel better and I don't cry or feel hurt when I see pictures of my girl now. Very weird feeling I have now like if nothing went wrong and everything is just fine. I believe it has to do with lifting weights which produces endorphins, it gave my spirit an immediate lift. So I will keep going pumping iron. I still love my girl even though I feel this way very strange feeling first time going through this. Has anyone experienced something like this after 3 days of pain?

amicon · Jan 4, 2010, 10:03 PM

I guess you've cried yourself out for now-and the gym's helping you so stick with that. Watching comedies and reading books that amuse you also help.
Laughter is a great cure.

dreamingartist · Jan 4, 2010, 10:43 PM

Goodness, break up ASAP. Your relationship will absolutely not be a fullfilling marriage. You believe in nothing. She has faith (although it is being torn by the decisions to be with you). To even say, oh well we will teach the kids both and let them decide is absolutely ridiculous. What is this? A competition to see if the kids will become atheist or christian? Give me a break. You are young and you care about one thing right now.. your relationship. And that's fine, don't get me wrong, but you can't even begin to imagine the life you are going to attempt to lead with children involved. This relationship was doomed for failure the second you both met and your religious views were so far jaded. This is a big lesson to her for not making the right decision and dating you and now she has to pay the consequences for her decisions. If she doesn't break up with you and actually does decide to marry you, there will be tons of heartache and problems. (no offense). I've dated a girl for over 8 years and it didn't work out, and albeit there were no religious issues, I can see very clearly now the huge obstacles that were in front of us. 5 years is nothing more than a big cord that needs to be cut... no one wants to cut the cord, you need her, she needs you, your brains need their fix, but no one wants to severe the cord. Go meet a girl who you can enjoy without changing who you are, you will never live up to her standards, and I hope she never gives up hers to attempt to make something work (again no offense).

85man · Jan 4, 2010, 10:50 PM

That is very deep man you made me think the negative way but like I said before I will just be patient and not worry too much about this so far I feel OK. I will take this break and have some time to think about it.

This has nothing to do with the relationship but I've been have some mix feelings on my belief to be honest. I don't know like I do kind of believe there is something out there like supernatural being or thing that touches us but sometimes get confused so I would say I'm more agnostic. I've spoken to my girl about this before the break up and she was surprised and actually felt pretty happy for me. But that doesn't bring any conclusion on how this relationship will end like. I am 80% sure she will come back but I will wait how I will feel by the end of the month. I have a lot of thinking to do about this.

I have one question, lets assume by the end of the month she comes back to me. How should I handle this situation? I am just curious for example should I ask her about her experience during the break or like what she learned from it. I would like to know. I know this is too early but I am just curious.

amicon · Jan 5, 2010, 01:13 AM

Generally speaking,and with a realistic warning that very few people do get back together,you'd need to start communicating honestly and would both have to be dedicated to putting a lot of work into the relationship.

Unless all previous issues are sorted out you'll break up again.

85man · Jan 5, 2010, 03:22 AM

Originally Posted by amicon

Generally speaking,and with a realistic warning that very few people do get back together,you'd need to start communicating honestly and would both have to be dedicated to putting a lot of work into the relationship.

Unless all previous issues are sorted out you'll break up again.

Makes sense thanks for the advice.