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Young_Cardinal · Nov 12, 2009, 06:17 PM

Hey guys me and my ex called it quits yesterday because she felt it wasn't meant to be, and I didn't really want to argue about it since I always thought we shouldn't really talk anymore anyway
Long story... here we go
Met her when I was 18, at the beginning I told her I wouldn't hurt her(I feel stupid for this cause really every relationship has problems), but yea at first the relationship was great, but I started to talk to other girls that I liked and was pretty angry at my relationship for some reason cause perhaps it wasn't what I expected (it was my first relationship and she's been in a couple)
I decided to stop talking to other girls and just work it out with her(this went on for 2 years), wed breakup once in a while only to get back soon after
Now this is probably the key problem for me, I went to see my family for 2 months and she cheated on me while I was gone(technically broke up with me while I was on my trip without my consent pretty much and I was so mad that during that time I talked to another girl just online cause I was lonely)
I come back and find out what she did, I was upset and asked how she could do this and said she was extremely sorry, so for the next 2 years(WOW) she's constantly trying to win me back... during this time of pain and sorrow I ended up sleeping with a girl I used to like but never got into a relationship because I guess I still cared about my ex

I never told her what I did until we broke up like 4 years in(like 8 months ago?) and she felt betrayed and deceived, and felt like she was a fool for not knowing... rightly so I guess...
We broke up during that time and I felt depressed and somehow was able to win her back... but again she told me she slept with a guy during that time, which I really didn't mind at that time for some reason
But yea yesterday we went our separate ways crying, lol, and now I have a lot of regret of all the stupid things I did, but at the same time I was like 18 years old, lol, how smart could one be at that age(not saying all aren't intelligent obviously)

This all probably sounds like a mess, and I'm currently experiencing those SICK symptoms of having difficulties eating and such, plus my mom isn't even in town cause she's taking care of my aunt in the u.s. however she is coming home soon so maybe that will help

Young_Cardinal · Nov 12, 2009, 06:20 PM

Oh I forgot to add, yea I don't know, I guess it probably was my fault
Right now I'm not really sad I think of her being with someone else, cause CLEARLY she has the capability cause she's partying more, while I became a family man(lol)
I'm just worried on what to do with my spare time, and the loneliness just KILLS
Also this sickness feels like crap for sure
I can't even do my project for university and for some stupid reason I'm still thinking about the massive CC debt she has lol
I guess you can still care about someone even if you don't talk to them I guess
But in anycase, I'm extremely depressed

chuff · Nov 12, 2009, 09:29 PM

As for the alone time you've just come up with, get a part time job, provide time for a charity or take up a hobby. See the sticky's for other ideas.

As for the relationship, I think you see this now, and you certainly will in the future but this relationship was broken a long time ago. It's hard to let go when things aren't going well because you feel like you'll fall further, but the truth is you have to let go before you can grab the next part of your life. This process will actually be good for you, because you can stop and evaluate how much better you will be for the next relationship and make improvement that you can keep for yourself.

Young_Cardinal · Nov 13, 2009, 01:12 AM

Yea I feel like crap
I'm not entirely sure how it dragged on this long
I do care but man its hard trying to move on, definitely a lot easier said than done
I just hope with each day that goes by I feel better and better and no "drama" occurs in between
For now the NC thing is probably the best, and hardest thing to do

Gemini54 · Nov 13, 2009, 01:39 AM

Well, it's only been a day - give yourself a chance! Of course you're going to feel some grief, remorse and pain. LOL.

Sounds like you were angry or in pain most of the relationship anyway, so soon you'll probably be feeling relief.

Close the door on this one - it wasn't healthy and you just kept hurting each other - over and over. There are lots of things to do to keep yourself occupied, all you need to do is open your eyes and look around you.

There is life after break ups.

Young_Cardinal · Nov 13, 2009, 01:49 AM

Lmao gemini thanks for keeping it real :)
I'm currently trying to figure out other factors as well that caused the early troubles just so I can analyze a potential girlfriend or something next time and not just date whoever

i.e. I always hear these theories about how a broken family for a girl (especially no father figure) might cause cheating? Cause I noticed a trend in some of my friends that have been cheated on, the family was really broken or split up
Regardless, all she had was her mother who I've grown to love and ill always refer to her as my "mom" as well
I explained in my other post that she called me once saying that she accidentally called the wrong number one time and thought I had a new girlfriend and said she was happy lol and that that would be really good for me

I guess ill just man up and hopefully ill bump into her mom one day and take that time to tell her I miss her or her other family members
All in due time I supppose

chuff · Nov 13, 2009, 08:28 AM

Originally Posted by Young_Cardinal

lmao gemini thanks for keepin it real :)
im currently trying to figure out other factors as well that caused the early troubles just so i can analyze a potential girlfriend or something next time and not just date whoever

This is a healthy must for you. Some people, like myself for example jumped from one hurtful relationship into another and only later realized upon thinking they were the same situations with different people. You can save yourself a lot of trouble by reviewing the relationship from a perspective of, what really happened in this situation and what can I do to improve the next time.

I might caution you that two days out might not be the time to do this. Wait a few months until the emotions die down so that you can look at it with a clear head.

Originally Posted by Young_Cardinal

i.e. i always hear these theories about how a broken family for a girl (especially no father figure) might cause cheating? cause i noticed a trend in some of my friends that have been cheated on, the family was really broken or split up
regardless, all she had was her mother who i've grown to love and ill always refer to her as my "mom" as well
i explained in my other post that she called me once saying that she accidentally called the wrong number one time and thought i had a new gf and said she was happy lol and that that would be really good for me

i guess ill just man up and hopefully ill bump into her mom one day and take that time to tell her i miss her or her other family members
all in due time i supppose

Statistically speaking, and from my own experience I have found dating women without a father or father figure it has been clear there was a respect missing there for men. Having said that, at some point in every life a child, man or woman, must say to themselves, "this was not an ideal situation but it was the cards I was dealt. I can either let it ruin my entire life or I can let it make me stronger and know that my parents problems are not my problems."

I'm not sure your ex ever got to that point, but the reality is, that's not your problem. You can't save someone. They have to save themselves.

I wish · Nov 13, 2009, 08:34 AM

Sounds like you're in limbo.

1) You can be together, but there are too many issues that is preventing you from having a healthy relationship (i.e. breach of trust, personal issues, on and off status, etc.)

a) You shouldn't get back together unless you've worked out ALL THE ISSUES that broke you up the first few times.

2) If you keep in contact, both of you are going to have false hope that this relationship can restart one day.

3) Because you can't fully move on, you're consciously or unconsciously putting your lives on hold for one another. Every new person you meet is going to be a rebound. That isn't fair to either of you and it isn't fair to the new people that you meet.

I think that best choice would be to leave each other alone and go your separate ways. That way, you can fully move on. But it's your choice what approach you want to take.

Jake2008 · Nov 13, 2009, 09:03 AM

It is hard to think clearly about a future without someone who has been such a huge part of your past.

How you you suddenly become objective about yourself, when most of who you are revolves around who you were when you were with her.

It is all too easy to keep falling back into old, familiar patterns, and relationships. It is familiar ground, good or bad, and it is far more comfortable than being just you.

There are a lot of good reasons to reflect on the relationship, and time, combined with re-gaining your independence, will leave you in a much better position to establish a new, and different relationship. It will probably be a lot healthier one too, if you take the time to allow yourself to heal.

You have to make a decision. You can stay in the same place, and be the person you think you need to be, and the person you are expected to be, and carry on with all the baggage that keeps accumulating.

Or, you can make the decision that it just isn't going to work, it is time to end it, and it is time to just step up and sever ties. You don't need to explain or justify this decision to anybody- this is your life.

Give yourself the benefit of time. It isn't easy going through any loss. There will be days you want to go running back, and days you will feel very good about yourself without her. Recognize that all of the ups and downs of a breakup are part of healing. It is natural in particular, because you are learning to live your life again.

Set a time for yourself, some say a year, some say six months, but whatever you are comfortable with, before you decide to date again. Be in a position of loving someone without the encumbrances of a familiar past. You will know when you are ready to have a new relationship.

Until then, any changes that you decide to make need to be made. To keep wondering and trying to make a relationship work that has long lost its lustre, is just spinning your wheels in my opinion.

Young_Cardinal · Nov 13, 2009, 12:33 PM

I honestly told her I'm not dating anyone for a while because I really need to heal
I feel like she definitely will shag some random guy because she "needs" attention *shakes head* so that part I'm getting over quite easily with the mindset that "AT THIS VERY MOMENT SHE MAY BE DOING IT WITH SOMEONE" so I have to continue with my life

yea it definitely is easier to just go back to the old habits but it definitely isn't healthy
I used to have a lot of good friendships but I think a lot of people lost respect for me probably through the image that I might be weak for always forgiving her

this whole thing is a mess, while we decided to just let it all go, she was like "BUT i feel like i dont know what i want because u take good care of me"... and she was the one who brought up that we're not meant to be

I can honestly say though that this time it feels as if we may never talk again due to NC

also I don't think its really healthy if 2 people who have cheated on each other actually get married lol, she brought that up and asked me what couples have done all this stuff we've done and are still together (she said "were f***** up" excuse the language

Young_Cardinal · Nov 13, 2009, 12:35 PM

To add, the most irritating thing was that all she talks about is the damn past, while I was the only one who thought about the future :(

I wish · Nov 13, 2009, 01:27 PM

You're right, it's extremely tough for a couple who have cheated on each other to get married. There are exceptions, but it will take a lot of hard work and both people invovled have to be on the same page.

However...

Originally Posted by Young_Cardinal

to add, the most irritating thing was that all she talks about is the damn past, while i was the only one who thought about the future :(

... that just shows that you're headed in different directions. All the more reason to go your separate ways.

I think it's best to leave each other alone and move on with your lives.

Young_Cardinal · Nov 13, 2009, 01:39 PM

Yea that's true
I'm going to go the gym today with a friend and see how I like it
Its only been a few days and at least I'm slightly aware of how dirty my house is now lol and that perhaps I should fix my computer's fan(which I just did) so I can finish my stupid project

Funny how it was much easier to get over a girl when I was in high school lol

Something_Here · Nov 13, 2009, 03:27 PM

Originally Posted by Young_Cardinal

i feel like she definitely will shag some random guy because she "needs" attention *shakes head* so that part im getting over quite easily with the mindset that "AT THIS VERY MOMENT SHE MAY BE DOING IT WITH SOMEONE" so i have to continue with my life

I like your attitude. I've been tormenting myself with thoughts about the same thing with my ex, but at least you're able to re-frame it in a constructive way.

Young_Cardinal · Nov 13, 2009, 03:53 PM

Yea it sucks thinking like some is probably going to nail her and be like "oh yea buddy i was totally rippin this one chick up last night"
Very annoying to think about
But if it relationships were about sex, then it would never have gotten to this point, lol

Young_Cardinal · Nov 13, 2009, 05:38 PM

Update: just went to the gym and bought a monthly pass
Had to take a picture and I laughed at myself
My drivers license pic, I looked so happy
In my gym pic I look like a crackhead
Hopefully this will motivate me to improve myself lol

mkshult · Nov 13, 2009, 06:28 PM

Young, I know you and myself are going threw a simlilar situation, granted my ex girlfriend never cheated on me, I was the one who did the cheating. I have the same thoughts going through my head that she will be the one who will be able to move on easier. Especially since my ex is still in college(senior year) I know she is probably going to hook up with a couple guys before she graduates. It's killing me a little bit thinking of that, but at the same time I know that is the reality of the situation. But I am not sure if you want to get back with your ex or not, but if you do maybe it might take her sleeping around and dating other guys to miss what you two had. Well that's at least what I am hopinh is going to happen with my ex, that after some time even though I cheated she will still be able to see how great things were between us even if I did slip up.

Young_Cardinal · Nov 13, 2009, 09:01 PM

Hmm its possible that she might miss me if she sleeps with other guys, which might occur
I just hope that if she does decide to get back together, that by then I just really won't care anymore

Right now it feels like I got worser problems
I think my immune system is shot and just caught a cough or something so that's on my mind right now, plus I'm eating out way too much

On the bright side, a buddy of mine came over for like 3 hours and we burned a lot of time playing xbox 360

In any case, I'm clearly still distraught cause I usually track the stock market and I barely cared and took only a small glimpse of it today

emopunk7 · Nov 13, 2009, 10:55 PM

It seems like you had a great day. Hang in there... Get 9 hours of sleep if possible, workout, have fun and go out and soon enough you will be happy being alone. Remember, you were happy having fun with your ex. You can havefun being single as well. I remember going on a cruise alone in Jan. I had a hell of a time. If I were single I would have let myself go nuts... There is always next time! "Whatever, Enjoy your life" <-----Last words I ever heard from my ex... lol

2ndTime · Nov 13, 2009, 11:31 PM

Facinating, after reading much relationship questions on this site, I find myself thinking that men are not just sexual beasts as I used to think. You just got to meet the right person. After divorced from abusive ex, used for booty couple of times, met a great guy (5yr relationship) who respects me for who I am and not just for sex.