[Xein]

Hi, sorry if this is a bit lengthy...
Well, my girlfriend had just broken up with me after about 6 months. We fell in love with each other from almost day 1. We connected strongly on every level, we were both very attracted to each other physically, connected amazingly on an emotional level and are both intelligent. We also loved just hanging out together or with our mutual friends and had a lot in common. We treated each other well, helped one another with our problems and issues. We both were very caring of each other and understanding. Yet we had spent more time apart than together... Which was good because we still kept our friends and our lives in order. Things seemed near perfect for a while.

But my girlfriend had one problem that we could not simply work out. She had a drug addiction that would not easily go(it is a serious drug but I will not go into detail about it). At first me being with her helped her fight it, but over time she fell back into the drug. It started to strain our relationship... She was more moody and irritable and less like herself at times. She tried to hide it, but I knew something was different about her. She would get angry at me over little things I did wrong and did not treat me the same as she had before. It seemed she cared less about me. She also became less interested in being intimate both emotionally and physically. I couldn't understand what was going on. I felt like she wasn't attracted to me anymore. Our relationship was never based only on the physical aspect, but it was an important part for not only me but usually her as well, and the disappearance of that really got to me over time, she barely wanted to kiss or be touched or touch me, when I told her it had been bothering me, it just made her very mad and said she thought I wanted to her to quit the drug for my own selfish reasons; this crushed me inside, because it was so far from the truth and she didn't even want to accept an apology. She just seemed to have no understanding or patience for me anymore. Things only got worse, I tried to hide my frustrations, hoping things would improve but they did not and I couldn't hold back my feelings forever. We started to take it out on each other and our relationship was deteorating. I felt like I was being blamed partly for this even though I really did nothing very wrong to her.. but every little thing I said or did wrong angered her more and more and was held against me.

Finally people very close to her had found out about her problem and at this point she had a breakdown and decided she had to seek help and quit for good. She then broke up with me following this. She said she could not depend on me to get through this and had to do it on her own and for herself. Also that she could not be in a relationship right now and work on it because she had to focus on her own life. And that she realized that she could not fulfill my needs in the relationship and that she would be increasingly distant and unaffectionate to me and would not be able to be the girlfriend I deserve, she knew we would continue to hurt each other because of our frustrations. And that it could take months for her to get better. She said we might as well be friends then. When this happened I cried in front of her, she cried too.. She saw me vulnerable and hurt, but I did not beg or plead with her. As much as it hurt, I had to agree with her... she did the right thing for both of us. If we stayed together it would have just gotten worse and worse till we ended up resenting one another. I asked her about the future and she said she was not thinking in terms of "us" or "we" anymore, so she had no answer, she does not expect me to wait around. I tried my best to understand all this and let her go and leave her to focus on herself, I did not argue with her or try to convince her to change her mind. I wrote her a letter, telling her I understand why she had to do this and that I won't hold grudges or bad feelings against her and expressing my feelings, I then let it go. I don't call her anymore. It's been some weeks since the breakup.. I still see her from time to time in passing and we talk causally, but I can tell it's akward for both of us and we don't spend more than a few minutes talking once in a while and agreed it's probably not the best idea to spend time together at all and neither one of us calls the other. I am hurt deeply though, because I still love her and I feel cheated that things ended up this way. We really had something wonderful together. Yet it seems she has forgotten about all this now, but I understand, because she must focus on her own life to get better, there isn't room for me now. I simply don't know what to do. Inside me I wish everything could go back to the way it was, but it's not so easy. I know I must let her go and not fight it, this was painful to do in spite of my emotions, but I must respect what she wants. I just don't know if I should try to totally move on with my life and forget about this or what. Do I leave the future up to her? Or should I try to talk to her about it in a couple months and ask her about a relationship again? I know it will be very difficult to find the kind of qualities, chemistry and connection with someone else that I felt with her.

All I do know is that deep down she is an amazing person. And if she regains herself, I would love to date her again. I know I haven't met anyone like her before who I had an instant connection with on every level and from what she told me before, the feeling was mutual. It pains me to have to lose this. This is a very sad story for me and any advice would be appreciated.

[Skell]

Firstly let me say that I can see your pain and I feel for you.

It seems as though that even though you only were with her 6 months that you have strong feelings for her (maybe a little too much considering it was only 6 months but that's another issue) and I can see it is cutting you up. Break ups do that to you.

You seem like and intelligent person, as does she from what you have said about her (despite her drug addiction). And it seems as though, even though it hurts that you have both done what is best for you.

I am no expert on addicts, and I'm sure the wonderful Val will offer you a lot more in regards to them, but from what I know it is true what she says. She needs to do this alone. She needs to get better alone.

She can't offer you anything now. She needs every bit of emotional and mental strength she can muster to fight her own demons. She can't be investing them elsewhere.

Your attitude seems right. You need to respect her wishes and let her go. Even though the pain makes it so hard it is so clear that right now that is what you both need.

If I were you I wouldn't even be considering a relationship with her now or in the future. She has a lot of work ahead of her before she is suitable to be a committed and loving partner.

Much like she is right now, I think you have to look after yourself for the time being. Don't worry about her and what she is doing. I'm sure she has others who will help her.

You need to look after you.

Keep yourself busy, workout, train hard, run, throw yourself into your work, hang with the buddies. Do things that you want to do. You need to progress and keep moving forward. You can't help her or what she is going through. You can only look after yourself , so I so do so.

I wouldn't go pressuring her at any stage with talk of relationship etc. Let her go and when / if she fixes herself and she decides she wants to try again well then you can make a decision. BY that stage though you may have completely moved on.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[talaniman]

Fact; You love her and want to help. She loves drugs and you can't help.
Fact; It may take years for her to conquer her demons and until then worry about YOU. Do not put your life on hold waiting for something that may not happen. Even if she contacts you and says she is better DON't believe it for a second. Addicts are slick people when it comes to getting what they want and don't care about any one, only what THEY want. You stay healthy and move on to a healthy life without your sick ex. Sorry but I wish you luck!

[s_cianci]

You are correct in saying that she did the right thing and it's good that she's wise enough to realize what she needs to do. For now you need to accept that it's over and move on with your own life. She has a long hard road to hoe and isn't going to be ready for a relationship for a very long time. You'd be very unfair to yourself trying to wait around for that to happen, if it ever does. Consider this a closed chapter in your life and proceed accordingly. I know it's hard at first but with time you'll see that things will work out for the best and you won't regret your decision.

[Xein]

You both made good points, thank you. One other thing that has been bothering me is the friendship thing... When this happened she said that she really wanted us to remain friends and that she would leave that up to me, against my will at the time I agreed. Yet since then she had not made contact with me other than when I see her in passing even though I told her not to be afraid to call me if she wanted to talk. So it seems she has little interest in talking on the phone or doing things together. Honestly I do not want to be friends with her at this point because I still have romantic feelings for her plus the attraction so it is very akward, not to mention the hurt, even though at the same time it is nice to see her and she seems to enjoy seeing me.

So a week ago when I last spoke with her I told her that it is not a good idea for us to spend any kind of time together aside from a quick chat on the street or on campus, because we were never "just friends" to begin with and things could get akward between us and I wouldn't want either of us sending mixed signals to another or getting too friendly. She then agreed with me and said it probably wouldn't be a smart idea to hang out together. This left me a little confused, seeing as how her original attitude was to be friends with me. Is it possible that she too can't see me as "just a friend" or shrug off the romantic feelings and attraction, even if that was her intention? I do wonder though if it would be better for us to be friends or to just cut ties for the time being. I really don't know the consequences of each option in the future.

[Skell]

No!
The only reason she would have suggested that you remain friends in the first place was to soften the blow. She would prefer not to be friends too because she is smart enough, like you, to realise it won't work. It has nothing to do with her secretly harboring romantic feelings for you.

As I said, all people breaking up suggest to their partner that they remain friends. They are trying to make things easier on the partner. Give them a glimmer of hope. Although best intentions might be meant, it is actually a cruel way to go about things.

Once broken up, their can't be friends. At least not immediately. No way. Just never happens.

You need to leave her be. Cut all contact. No friends. Nothing. It is over with her. She has her own battles and so do you now. And that is staying away from her and moving on with your life.

If you don't want to be friends with her, and she doesn't want to be friends with you, then I think you have a pretty clear answer there on what should happen.
Agree?

[Xein]

I absolutely agree with you. I guess I just have trouble accepting that I still I have feelings for her and she has none whatsoever for me. It just boggles my mind how they can disappear for her so quick but not for me, since aside from her addiction we had little in the way of problems. I guess maybe when your own self is in danger of being lost you can't really think about anyone else. Even if that is true it still makes me think less of myself.

Only reason I brought up the friends thing is because at first she said it was important to her that we be friends and told me to do whatever it takes to be friends w/ her... Looking back I think she was just being selfish and realized that was wrong.

I've cut contact out... but it's unfortunate, we have the same night class once a week... It's inevitable we run into each other and she starts a conversation even if it is only for a few minutes.

[Sentra]

You sound very sympathetic to her situation and care for her very much. Be sure to check your adoration and love for her, make sure you aren't cofusing your deep desire to protect and guard her for love.

Stay cordial for the few minutes that you have with her, and keep doing what you are doing, take care:).

[Skell]

You seem to be getting a grip on things. And yes, it is very upsetting and scary at how their feelings can suddenly seem to disappear. But we are talking about an addict here. Little different. But it is certainly the case in 'normal' people as well. I can certainly vouch for that. And it still perplexes and scares the sh1t out of me too.

No need to think less of yourself for this. Don't blame yourself. It isn't your fault and it won't help a damn thing.

If I were you, on the night you have the same class I would try if I could to avoid her. But if you happen to talk to her just be as polite as possible, ask how she is, but then you have to go. Your busy and have lots of other things you need to do. It isn't being rude, but hopefully it will be the truth.
Because I am sure from now on you are going to fill your life with lots of friends, hard work, study and other great things aren't you? So worrying about her won't even come into it because you'll be so busy and won't have the time!

[talaniman]

You sure fell in deep in 6 months. How long did it take to find out she abused drugs?

[Xein]

I feel in deep, because she really supported me through some rough stuff in the beginning and I was amazed at how much she cared about me even though we just met. And really taught me a lot. I knew she had abused in the past from an early point in the relationship. But she said she had been clean for a while and seemed to be a normal person at the time. A few months into it she told me she had problems again and did not want to face it alone. I wanted to support and help her as she did for me and because I really cared about her well being. But my problems were not about addiction. It worked for a little while, but it didn't matter, she fell back into using anyway. It was hard to face facts that I could not help her, she had to help herself. It also hurt to realize that she was not the same person I'd met in the beginning... I put up with more than I should have..

For example, one night she had done drugs and we had plans for the next day. So I am with her the day after and she is very irritable, snapping at me over every little thing and thinking I'm trying to take stabs at her when I say the slightest thing she doesn't like. Barely wants to talk to me, doesn't want to be touched or show any kind of affection or emotion. And I remember telling her, "would you be able to handle this if i did it to you?" and she very sadly tells me "no i wouldn't" but excuses her behavior by saying she goes through weird moods sometimes... Next day I get a call, she's in tears telling me how she realized that we aren't going to last and that she's thinking we should end it. I'm torn up inside all day about this, trying to figure out what the hell happened. Only to get a call the next day where she tells me to forget about everything that happened and that everything is fine now, didn't even want to talk about what happened. I'm expected not to be mad and to forget this... Yet when I would say or do something that upsets her it's held against me with such anger she will say "what's said is said, you can't take it back". The worst part is that I don't think she even realizes what she did to me... Yet I was blamed for a lot, things that weren't even my fault, like I was the bad one at times. Even now, I feel like she doesn't realize the things she did to me to hurt me and all of her mistakes. I was to feel like I was the only one doing anything wrong and she was perfect.. A truly terrible feeling

I was blind, I kept hoping this kind of behavior would end... but it kept recurring. I just couldn't accept how she had changed. I also had sympathy for her because I had a drug problem some time ago, and I know how it is... But I had to help myself and so does she, I was stupid to think otherwise.

[talaniman]

That why you must never feel guilty and as hard as it will be you must move on and put it all behind you and by leaving her alone you have done her a big favor and the rest is up to her. Be grateful to have known the real good side of her and pray you see that side again without the monkey.

[Xein]

Do you think it's worth my time to tell her about how she mistreated me and hurt me while we were together.. Or does she realize this but wouldn't admit it?

[Sentra]

I think no matter what you tell her, it won't make a difference; am not saying you shouldn't but your time as well as anyone else's is precious, and I don't recommend you spend it in the negative :(. I hope you can overcome everything you have been through.

[Xein]

I'm doing pretty well... Just been moving on w/ my life and not contacting her at all.. I spent a lot of my time not in relationships and I've always been happy so it's not too hard to get that back, but there's just certain things you lack when you're alone, I miss it.

I'd like some input about how addicts and how they handle relationships if anyone knows. I know from some learning and a little experience that they treat people differently than the norm person. Because their mind works in a different way when they've been using drugs for so long. Something to do with the reward/reinforcement. But yeah I really don't know.. by the way drug being used was cocaine. Any kind of info would be appreciated

[talaniman]

These sites may be helpful

http://www.google.com/search?sourcei...ocaine+addicts

[Xein]

I have learned something else too.. I remember her telling me how dependent relationships were unhealthy. I see now she was dependent on me to feel better about herself after she'd abuse herself and feel worthless and that for her to get better it had to end. She also implied that the relationship was codependent. Of course I had some issues of my own she helped me feel better about but I didn't think I was dependent on her. I was guilty of being too avaiable for her when she needed me though(which happened quite a bit). I had trouble saying no because I really felt for her and I wanted to be there for her to help. And I bet over time she felt I was becoming too attatched to her as well. I didn't feel this was true but it had to be in her mind at least to say it was codependent.

I find this subject of dependence touchy. Everyone has their own flaws and shortcommings. I've always thought it was a great thing to be able to give and receive help from people you trust and care about, close friends, family, and lovers. It felt natural for me to want to help her the best I could with her issues and for me to ask for help when I needed it. I have trouble drawing the line between having someone help you overcome your insecurities and having to rely on them to fix it for you. I didn't think I crossed this line as we spent a considerably greater amount of time apart than together. I'd really only spend time with her 3 days a week. To me I didn't feel this was codependence, but she seemed to think so.

But regardless, this is what we both need, especially her. I'm sure I have some work to do on myself too. If it was meant to be we will each become better people from this and have a better relationship in the future, but if not I'm sure will we both have learned from it.

[Xein]

Sorry I keep posting, I feel like a broken record here but I continue to feel stressed. I don't even know why I want this person back after all the bad that happened. I still have feelings for a part of her that doesn't exist anymore, but why? I can't rid myself of that tiny bit of hope that she would get herself back and want to work things out between us. It's hard to gauge but when I knew the real her, I really felt something strong btwn us. And I really feel like we deserve to know each other without her addiction looming over us. I regret not being able to know what this relationship could have been, especially after how real it seemed till her problem started tearing us apart. I guess I can't go out and tell her all this though? I can imagine her hearing any talk of "us" right now would drive her far far away. Friends have told me you need to call an addict out on what they have done to you after a while because sometimes they don't even know what they have done to people or don't want to face up to it. I don't know if I agree/disagree with that. Although part of me seems to think she is still not facing up to what happened in the relationship and while she was using. But I want believe she knows she has hurt me(can't know for sure though). From what I've also been told, when/if she cleans up and faces her problems, she will realize how her drug use affected those close to her and how wrong she was. But they also said that it is a very embarrassing and fearful feeling when that happens and she may be ashamed and afraid to come and apologize to me. In this case is no contact really my best option? What if it makes her even more fearful to talk to me? I don't want to force anything out of her but I want her to know I'm not closed off. I kind of also feel I have a right for her to know what kind of things she put me through during that. Especially if we are to ever even be friends in the future. I could never be friends with someone who hurt me like that and never owned up to it.(Keep in mind I'm talking about the abuse, not the breakup.)

[talaniman]

Keeping in mind that this is still very fresh in your mind, I feel instead of putting all the blame on your ex, as sick as she is, you are failing to see the part YOU played in this. You are the one who fell so in love after the first 6 months of this relationship and lost yourself because you moved so fast to meet some unhealthy version of love that you had. You put up with the abuse in the name of that love and got hurt bad. You had better choices you could have made to either, slow down, or left to protect yourseelf so the truth is you and your issues got hooked up into the life of an addict and here we are. We all have bad days where the hurt gets worse and given it has been only a week or two for you, I know the wounds are fresh, but sitting on the pity pot and going 'whoa is me' will not help you get health back in your life. I understand the need to vent, but keep it real and get off the butt and seek positive action to counter those negative feelings.