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vanheart · Dec 10, 2009, 10:18 PM

YES!

Glad you have good friends, those are the things that helped me.

Live for you, not her.

I hope you never hear anything bad again.

bjohnrupp · Dec 11, 2009, 08:18 AM

I went on a date with this girl like a month ago and we got along pretty good. At dinner the subject of our last relationships came up and I mentioned how my ex dumped me and I guess you can see/hear the bitterness and hurt in me.

Yesterday I asked her if she'd like to meet up again and she said only as a friend because she could tell I have a lot of healing to do still from my last relationship. So this is the 1st time I heard it from another girl and I guess this is why all my dates have been bad.

I noticed at the end they always just give me a quick hug and we never talk again. I would only mention my ex for a minute but I guess they can see how hurt I am?

It's so frustrating- she's moved on 4 months ago and I'm still not even able to have a normal date. I guess I'm wasting my time by even trying. Friends tell me the best way to get over someone is by seeing someone new but I noticed that for some reason I still don't want to meet anyone new and I'm still far from over her. This has never happened before in my entire life- god it really shows just how much I loved my ex.

I guess she listened to me when I told her not to contact me unless she wants to get back together because I haven't heard from her in 3 weeks (the longest since we broke up)

jaffeyjoeblaze · Dec 11, 2009, 08:32 AM

Go on a date to meet somebody new, not to date your ex...

If you don't allow yourself that then you will be lost... and stuck on her for a long time...

amicon · Dec 11, 2009, 08:43 AM

Most women don't want to be a rebound which would be the case until you're properly over your ex. To be harsh I'd say if a guy started talking about his breakup on our first date,that would be our last date. The best thing you can do here is sticking to Nc 100% and let time and patience heal you.

bjohnrupp · Dec 11, 2009, 08:57 AM

Originally Posted by amicon

Most women don't want to be a rebound which would be the case until you're properly over your ex. To be harsh I'd say if a guy started talking about his breakup on our first date,that would be our last date. The best thing you can do here is sticking to Nc 100% and let time and patience heal you.

Yeah that's what I think it is- they don't want to be my rebound so they disappear. I guess I'm going to try hard not to mention it again on a date because otherwise I'm just wasting my time/money.:rolleyes:

talaniman · Dec 11, 2009, 09:26 AM

Who wants to be a rebound? No one in their right minds, and when a date sees your not in it for the fun, but trying to to get over a bad relationship, they are supposed to back away to a safe distance.

Date for fun, getting to know someone, and pouring out your pain to a stranger, is no fun.

Many who have tried to replace an ex often go through what your going through. If you read the many threads here about people trying to date people, soon after a break up my advice has always been,

Talaniman Rule- Never, ever get involved with a person that still has an ex in the picture.

Clearly your ex is still in the picture. Its shows. And not all dates lead to a second one, but for sure if you take it personally, and many fresh from a break up of a long term relationship, do take what they perceive as a failure at dating, personal, (as you do), then you forget the whole purpose of dating, to have fun getting to know someone, not as a solution to a problem. See the difference?

The first few dates are all about paying full attention, and putting your best foot forward. Not an interview for a wet nurse to get over hurt feelings.

Change the outlook, and actions, and the expectations, then you will get different results, as in having a great time. That requires you to let the past go, at least for a while, and get back to living in the fun of the moment.

But I can imagine in your defense, you were caught off guard by her question, and had no time to think your response thru. Because it was clearly to much, to fast. I think it may be more a testament to those you date, than you being ready to date, or a combination of both.

Its quite possible that the females your dating have their own issues, and thats why it pays to pay attention to get the clues that people have their own baggage, and its seldom about you, thats why you don't take rejection as personal.

The best dates though, are spontaneous, and more about hanging out, than the formal dinner type thing. But don't give up because things don't work out to your advantage, make some attitude adjustments, and enjoy yourself, while staying OUT of a relationship for a while. It helps to be a friend, rather than a potential romantic partner.

Talaniman Rule- Date them all, fat,short, skinny, or tall. 18 to 80, blind, cripple, or crazy.

That way you don't get so attached, you lose your perspective of fun. Thats what dating is about.

bjohnrupp · Dec 11, 2009, 04:55 PM

Thanks Tal- I think my attitude has improved as time has gone by- but I still find myself comparing anyone I'm on a date with to my ex. I know I need to knock her off the pedestal but when I'm on dates I get upset inside and wish so bad I was with my ex instead. I also still find myself comparing them looks wise and then a lot of times I'll blow them off because I won't like something or other with the way they look or dress. I guess I'm just going to need more time sadly. :(

vanheart · Dec 11, 2009, 05:02 PM

You will know if its right.

Heal first. Get your perspective together.

Be open & give people a chance. Qualities.

Plus, don't compare so hard.
After all if your ex was so great, then she wouldn't be your ex.

bjohnrupp · Dec 11, 2009, 05:15 PM

Thanks Van & Tal- even though she hurt me so bad I don't know why I still compare everyone to her. I mean she did have a perfect face and great body but I have to be a little less shallow I think because inside she was not the greatest of girls. I really don't know if my thoughts are normal? I mean I was at a comedy show with a girl last weekend and I started staring off into space saying to myself what am I doing here with this girl and then little things she would do started annoying me. I started being really cold and distant to her- I'm going to read what you wrote Tal on your dating tips or maybe I should just give myself more alone time.

vanheart · Dec 11, 2009, 05:22 PM

That's because you are not over your ex.

Once you heal & get emotionally stronger, you will have a whole new perspective on dating.

The bottom line is to have fun with no expectations but that.

How do you think she felt with you cold & distant. See what I mean?
Get rid of that baggage first.

Don't rush. Heal first.

talaniman · Dec 11, 2009, 05:25 PM

I'm going to read what you wrote Tal on your dating tips or maybe I should just give myself more alone time.

Do them both, its not either or. Maybe do some guy stuff with the fellas first.

bjohnrupp · Dec 11, 2009, 05:50 PM

Could you guys or anyone please give me their opinion on something?

A month ago my ex called me drunk and told me she was going to drive the 1 1/2 hrs and come over my house- the next day she basically blew me off and I hardly heard from her. Anyway I sent the text saying "I feel as though you have no respect for me anymore- you blew me off when you told me you were coming over. Dont contact me anymore unless you want to hang out or get back together."

Since then I've only heard from her one time(3 weeks ago) ( she was saying how the week I took her on a cruise was one of the best weeks of her life)

Do you think the text I sent was a good move? As much as I would like to be friends with her I feel disrepected and not important whatsoever so I wanted her to know I don't need her pity/guilt texts messages or calls.

It just sucks because I'm missing hearing from her. I guess its like a alcoholic or drug addict going through withdrawal.

vanheart · Dec 11, 2009, 05:58 PM

For one thing, driving drunk isn't cool.
Nor should you have wanted her to.

It seems to me like a bs ploy to keep you sucked in.

The point is, you sent the text. That's done & in the past.
And yes, she doesn't respect you. Bit all of that doesn't change anything.

If you commit fully to having no contact w/her, you won't have this drama or turmoil in your mind.

I know what's its like to miss hearing from my ex, but what I realized shortly after was that I didn't want to be hurt by her words or actions any longer.

You have to combat this withdrawal with positive things for YOU.

And yes, you don't need her pity, guilt or anything else at this point.
Because that is all you will get if you stay in touch.

talaniman · Dec 11, 2009, 06:08 PM

You know you got it bad when you think a drunk will keep their word.

bjohnrupp · Dec 11, 2009, 06:14 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

You know you got it bad when you think a drunk will keep their word.

HAHA! So true Tal... she probably realized the next day what she said. I was stupid for believing it- wishful thinking I guess.:rolleyes:

bjohnrupp · Dec 11, 2009, 06:24 PM

Originally Posted by vanheart

For one thing, driving drunk isnt cool.
Nor should you have wanted her to.

It seems to me like a bs ploy to keep you sucked in.

The point is, you sent the text. Thats done & in the past.
And yes, she doesnt respect you. Bit all of that doesnt change anything.

If you commit fully to having no contact w/her, you wont have this drama or turmoil in your mind.

I know whats its like to miss hearing from my ex, but what I realized shortly after was that I didnt want to be hurt by her words or actions any longer.

You have to combat this withdrawal with positive things for YOU.

And yes, you dont need her pity, guilt or anything else at this point.
Because that is all you will get if you stay in touch.

Hey Van- no I didn't want her to drive drunk- she was going to come the following day. Yea you're right about committing fully to the no contact to eliminate any more drama. I think that's why I sent the text- because I couldn't deal with the ups and downs of talking to her (WE'd talk on the phone and I'd get false hope and her nice texts and IM's gave me more false hope and then she'd disappear for a while and I'd come crashing back down to earth):(

vanheart · Dec 11, 2009, 06:27 PM

Well, now you know what to do.

Glad you have come to that realization.

bjohnrupp · Dec 12, 2009, 02:06 PM

Ok so I got a text message from my ex-fiance (for the 1st time in 3 weeks) this morning that said "heyy how are ya?! I was just thinking about you".

I know peoples advice was to do no contact but I was sick of her messing with my head like this so I replied "you got to be joking-I think its funny how you're too afraid to call. All you could do is send your lame pity/guilt text messages once a month".

She never responded so I think she may have finally gotten the message. I know I could have just ignored her but I just don't want her contacting me anymore so I felt the message was the best thing to do. Do you guys think the message I sent was good?

talaniman · Dec 12, 2009, 02:15 PM

Its good you finally took a stand for yourself, and kept it short, brief, and definitely to the point.

Now enjoy your freedom. Nuff said.

bjohnrupp · Dec 12, 2009, 02:32 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Its good you finally took a stand for yourself, and kept it short, brief, and definitely to the point.

Now enjoy your freedom. Nuff said.

Thanks Tal- well I sent one a month ago that said basically the same thing- to not contact me unless she wanted to meet up or get back together... so I wanted to send this because I feel like she's just trying to get in my head and I feel disrespected that all I'm good enough for anymore is some lame text once a month:rolleyes: