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starlene · Jul 26, 2009, 06:11 PM

My husband and I have been going through a rough patch for about the past 2 years. I don't agree with things he is teaching our 3 year old son, like to hit and curse. So we fight. I ask him to mow the yard cause it hasn't been mowed in over a month and is very high, we fight. He tells me I am lazy because I was laid off from my job back in Jan. and we decided it was the perfect time for me to go back to school. I cook, I clean, I take care of our son. If I mess up and ask him to do anything he starts smarting off to me. Trying to make me feel like I do not do anything right. He also likes to lie to me about anything. I can catch him doing something and ask him why he did it, well he will deny he did it. Also he likes to live in filth. I have always kept a clean house but with him its impossible. He refuses to clean up after himself and will throw trash in the kitchen sink. He tells me its cause he knows ill pick it up later. And of course this causes another big fight.Ive been in this type of marriage before and I divorced him. But with my ex I had a job and could make it on my own. I want to finish school, but I need to find a job to get away from him. I would like to have my marriage work this time. My son deserves to have his mom and his dad. But my son does not deserve to see us fight the way we do sometimes either. My husband calls me names and curses at me. He degrades my family and disrespects me all the time. He was not like this when we met and 1st got married. He has changed so much. Ive asked him to go to counseling with me but he refuses. I just do not know what else to do. Iam going crazy here. Iam so very unhappy and I know it shows to my son. I asked some of my family if I could come stay with them and they all say they have no room. So does anyone else have any other ideas for me?

N0help4u · Jul 26, 2009, 06:22 PM

Some times staying in a marriage 'for the sake of the kid(s)' is the worst thing you can do because they learn by example.

I think part of the problem why so many relationships don't work out is because a good bit of our generation grew up with dysfunctional and many of them just do not know how to be fathers and mothers now.

Can you start working and save up to get away if it comes to it?

starlene · Jul 26, 2009, 06:49 PM

Yes, I can. Iam also worried that if I leave my husband and file for divorce he will receive visitation. I do not trust him alone with my child. My kids are everything to me. And I would be scared to death to have to leave my son with him. He likes to do dangerous things with my son. Like swinging him around by his arms in the house. Leaving him unattended outside. I have actually caught him coming in the house and leaving my 3 year old son out in the yard by hisself.

N0help4u · Jul 26, 2009, 06:51 PM

If you have good reason, abuse or neglect, you can tell the Judge you want supervised visits and tell him detailed reasons.
With supervised visits he would have your son for only a few hours with a caseworker or relative present.

jenniepepsi · Jul 26, 2009, 09:12 PM

Mmm tough call there nohelp. I agree with what your saying but I don't think all is lost.

My husband is a slob. Didn't agree on parenting our 5 year old, didn't help me around the house, always was yelilng and being a generall .

I left him. For 6 months me and our daughter lived with my mom.

We got back together and decided it was time for counseling.

It really does help, and it can help you so much.

The first 5 years of marriage are the worst, and the first 3 years are the ABSOLUTE worse. But if you can get through it, chances are you will be OK. (not all the time but usually)

I am still with my hsuband now, and yes we fight, almost every day. But we also know how to communicate during those fights, rather than simply shouting incoherantly. And we learned how to compromise.

Good luck hon. If you can convince him to go to counseling I think it will help.

However if he won't go, leave him, and see what he does. It could be the 'slap in the face' he needs.

Gemini54 · Jul 27, 2009, 12:06 AM

Going to counseling on your own would really help, I believe.

If your first preference is to stay rather than leave - and I believe that most marriages should be given a chance - then you would really benefit from going to counseling to learn to manage your own behavior in response to his.

What I hear is that he's reacting to your reaction and then you're reacting to his reaction, and so it goes in a vicious circle.

If you can break this circle of fighting - and this is jennipepsi is talking about also - then you have a basis upon which to begin negotiating with your husband and to begin to repair your marriage.

The first strategy is to not play 'mommy' and let go of having a spotless house - don't pick up after your husband, ignore him if you 'catch' him doing something wrong and leave the room of he curses and swears at you.

He does these things to get a reaction from you, and like a child, if he can't get positive feedback, he'll settle for negative feedback. So don't react. Don't argue, Don't fight.

It may be hard, but try and find something to compliment him about rather than criticize. Even if it's something small.

starlene · Jul 27, 2009, 09:35 AM

I have tried not picking up after him before. I didn't wash his clothes unless they are where they are supposed to be. But things got so run down my house looked like a pig sty. I have no help from my family so its not like I can go outside and mow the yard while I have my son at home. I have no one to watch him. I talked to one of my friends last night about my son and I coming to stay with her and her husband for a bit. She doesn't like my husband. So she said I could come stay with her until I got on my feet. Iam going to try to talk to my husband one more time this evening and if he still does not want to get help or change his ways I will be leaving to go to her house. I really hope that it does give him a wake up call. Our son is his only child, so being away from him might make him realize that he needs to try to make this work also. Thank you everyone for helping me think about all this more in depth. I really appreciate it a lot.

starlene · Jul 27, 2009, 09:35 AM

I have tried not picking up after him before. I didn't wash his clothes unless they are where they are supposed to be. But things got so run down my house looked like a pig sty. I have no help from my family so its not like I can go outside and mow the yard while I have my son at home. I have no one to watch him. I talked to one of my friends last night about my son and I coming to stay with her and her husband for a bit. She doesn't like my husband. So she said I could come stay with her until I got on my feet. Iam going to try to talk to my husband one more time this evening and if he still does not want to get help or change his ways I will be leaving to go to her house. I really hope that it does give him a wake up call. Our son is his only child, so being away from him might make him realize that he needs to try to make this work also. Thank you everyone for helping me think about all this more in depth. I really appreciate it a lot.

N0help4u · Jul 27, 2009, 09:39 AM

Maybe try getting some big boxes and putting all his dirty clothes in some of the boxes, the garbage he throws around in another box, things he needs that he leaves laying around in another box, etc... Then keep them next to his favorite chair in the living room or somewhere he will have them right there to remind him.
I use to do that with my kids stuff when they wouldn't pick up after themselves. I would keep the boxes next to their beds.

jenniepepsi · Jul 27, 2009, 09:46 AM

I say take your friend up on her offer. Move out. And make it REAL for him. If he loves you, and wants to work it out, this is the perfect time for that slap in the face I was takling about earlier.

N0help4u · Jul 27, 2009, 10:00 AM

Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

i say take your friend up on her offer. move out. and make it REAL for him. if he loves you, and wants to work it out, this is the perfect time for that slap in the face i was takling about earlier.

Have to spread the rep that is the best answer... and it will probably save her a bunch of gray hairs!