[takeapicture]

Been in a relationship for about 18 months so far. When we started dating, I was a very busy person. Worked out early every morning, put 10 hours a day in the office, made time for friends, read every night, practiced my music (passion hobby of mine) etc. Busy. Hardly had time to think. My girlfriend was tolerant at first (of course), but then started to take control.

At first, it was "don't get out of bed, cuddle with me". Ok, I like cuddling and it's more fun to sleep than to run 6 miles. Then the phone calls throughout the day. I was pretty good about answering and being nice because I love her and I know she has time on her hands, but she gets mad when I'm in a meeting or something. Then she wanted me to read TO her, OK no problem, kind of fun. Then she wanted music lessons, sure, I love teaching music.

So, 6 months ago, I rearranged my work schedule giving myself ample down time (thanks to a flexible job with good earning power). Guess what? Now she doesn't have time for me. I slowly started changing so much to spend more time together, now that I have she says I make her feel trapped. So, I get busy again. Start trying to work out and play music etc. However, every time I start to focus my time on something other than her, she gets pissed. One day she told me we hang out too much. So I went to a friends. She called me all night long.

I don't do this to her. I don't micromanage her life. I don't care. However, what's with the hot and cold, near and far routine? I'm starting to feel like I have to walk on eggshells and that is not my personality type.


A question I forgot to add. Why all of the psychological warfare here? Correct me if I'm wrong, but a couple fights. If the fight is over something I can help, like time management or taking her out more, then (if I care) I make those adjustments. Right? If the person you love is trying to compromise (not after a few weeks of dating, but 12 to 18 months long) does that make them weak in your eyes? I went from feeling wanted more than I could possibly give to having more than she wants with no overlap. I'm starting to feel manipulated.

[Wondergirl]

Been in a relationship for about 18 months so far. When we started dating, I was a very busy person.

She fell for that very busy, involved person. You said she has time on her hands. Why? What does she do all day?

[taoplr]

To start with, you and she have a boundary issue: neither of you knows where the lines that you can't cross are located. She doesn't know because she's a territory addict and will take it all if you let her. You don't know because you never had to figure this out before. You assume that the boundary lines are obvious. They're not.

It sounds like she has boundary issues in general: the phone calls, read to me, etc.. The anger bit is typical addictive behavior; it's a tantrum. If you refuse to buy it, she will try something else. Yes, you are being manipulated. Trust your gut.

The warfare goes with the package. It's a lifestyle, a way of getting what you want. No, your accommodations are not signs of weakness. But when have you seen warfare being rational?

She's fighting for what she feels is survival: If she doesn't control your attention, it feels like it will go away and she is going to die. She might not even know this consciously, but this fear could drive all her relationship-oriented behavior. Don't blame her, and don't let her continue to devour your space. Don't get peed off and don't cave in. Tell her what you are experiencing and what you need.

Do you love her? Are you sure? Are you willing to work out the relationship in therapy? Are you willing to expose your issues and concerns in front of her and to witness hers? Will you stand by her while she goes through several phases of recovery from her addiction? Will you trust her to handle your internal struggles with care?

If you say yes to the above,you have some work in front of you. To me, the change in her behavior says she is getting the attention of another guy. At the very least, she's shut down where you are concerned and warming her up again is going to be work as well.

Before you do anything to manage the situation, take plenty of time managing your emotional state. Organize your internal resources. If you don't know what to do to optimize the outcome, just ask.

Tao

[takeapicture]

She's not much of a communicator. I love her enough to work it out, but she is unwilling to discuss "relationship" issues. We can talk about everything else under the sun. We are both good listeners. I can talk about family problems, work problems and anything else. We can both talk at length about politics, history, art, music, culture and religion. If I bring up a relationship issue, she shuts down. Either cries, avoids by making jokes, gives me the silent treatment or says "fine, you are right" but doesn't mean it.

I have tried talking calmly after the fact, heated at the moment and in written word. The absolutely only thing that forces her to at least address an issue is when I ignore her. She is unwilling to accept that she does anything wrong in this relationship.

Thank you for post Taoplr. You turned a seemingly irrational relationship in my eyes into a clearly defined problem. You are absolutely right about boundary issues. She doesn't respect anyone's boundaries. She loves to eavesdrop on our friends. She likes to get involved in other people's business. I am very respectful of people's space. Everyone else I know respects my boundaries. She says I'm too mean to people when I draw the line. She said it makes me a control freak. I suppose one of things I fell for in her was that she wasn't intimidated by me at all (most girls are). However, the downside of that is that she doesn't respond to me when I try to set boundaries. In her eyes, she is a free spirit who cannot be controlled by anyone. I'm fine with that except for the double standard. Why is it OK to control me?

I know I'm "letting" her, but I have tried everything to fix this. I feel as though, the only solution is to end it.

It's entirely possible she is getting attention from elsewhere. I have thought about the possibility, but we spend a lot of time together and I haven't seen any real evidence of this. I know she is pretty insecure about me because she goes through my cell all the time. I feel like I'm doing something wrong here to allow this, but I was in the military and grew up in a strict household. I know how to be firm, better than most. It's not working.

[I wish]

I'm going to have to be the bad guy here, but there are too many red flags. You sound like a guy who has direction and knows what he wants. You might be in love with this girl, but she doesn't have what you want or need. There are too many things that you want to change about her. She is who she is. Unpredictable, contradicting, unstable, unwilling to establish a good communication system, no sense of boundaries, can't respect other people's space, etc. We have no idea if she's going to change. But there are just too many obstacles for you to be happy.

You should find someone who respects you and can understand you.

[takeapicture]

She respects me as much as respects anyone else (including herself). Don't make it sound like I'm a doormat because that's not the case.

[DrJ]

Plain and simple, my man... the laws of attraction.

When you lean back, she leans in. When you lean in, she leans back.

Wanting what you can't have... grass is always greener... you know, all those old sayings that we don't give enough credit to.

The answer? Well, that's the tough part. Find a balance. But if you think that you are going to be able to change her, think again.

You will either have to make it work with the way it is, suffer while hoping that has these realizations herself, or move on...

[I wish]

I'm not sure where you got the doormat from. All I really said was she has a certain personality, yet you have so many things about her that you want to change or can't stand.

Why torture yourself? Why not find someone who matches you better?

Ask yourself, why are you on this forum? She's obviously not going to change anytime soon. You said that you tried to talk to her about relationship issues, yet she just backs away from them.

First we pointed out our observations. As for the advice. You've got two choices:

1) Keep trying to talk to her. Be patient and maybe she will come around one day.

2) Make it a clean break and find someone else.

No one said you're a doormat. You're in control of the situation. It's up to you what you want to do next. If I were you, I would go with option 1. Keep trying to talk to her. If there's no progress, then you have to accept reality and consider option 2.

[DrJ]

Pain vs. Pleasure

Does the pain of this situation outweigh the pleasure?

[takeapicture]

That's a load. Laws of attraction? Come on man. Every other relationship I have been in ended because I didn't put enough time into it. Now you are telling me that because I have decided to compromise for the first time with someone, they are bored. I swear, if that's ground truth, I'm never giving an inch again.

[takeapicture]

Pain vs. Pleasure

Does the pain of this situation outweigh the pleasure?

Used to. However, with the accumulating issues, it's getting harder to enjoy time with her at all. I'm building up resentment for issues that go unresolved. This is just not my way. I have no problem confronting people with problems. To her credit, confrontation is ineffective with her.

I only said I'm not a doormat because you said find someone that respects me. That's an insult. Maybe some folks hang in there when they aren't respected, but I'm not one of them.

[DrJ]

Wanting what you can't have doesn't mean that since I can't have the body of a cow... I want one.

From your post, it would seem that, while you may have been busy a lot, you put amble care into the relationship. She surely appreciates your attention to her so this was pleasing. She just wanted more. But it was also on her terms.

So when you gave her more, it was no longer on her terms. She felt smothered (not necessarily bored) and pushed away.

[takeapicture]

She accuses me of lecturing her and keeping a list of all my problems with her. The list is of problems we don't resolve, not every transgression ever. I am probably guilty of lecturing her, but sometimes I feel like she needs an education on life. I'm not trying to parent her, but she seems to have no risk assessment skills. When I was younger, I was as careless as she is, but we are both the same age. I feel like I'm either an old soul or she is a perpetual child.

[Survivor07]

Used to. However, with the accumulating issues, it's getting harder to enjoy time with her at all. I'm building up resentment for issues that go unresolved. This is just not my way. I have no problem confronting people with problems. To her credit, confrontation is ineffective with her.

I only said I'm not a doormat because you said find someone that respects me. That's an insult. Maybe some folks hang in there when they aren't respected, but I'm not one of them.

You may have answered yourself here. If it is getting hard to enjoy yourself with her, if you cannot clear the air and resentments build, which is not your way, then you are not happy and it will only get worse.

In my opinion, if someone doesn't want to discuss your unhappiness in the relationship, that is disrespect.

[DrJ]

Mind if I ask your ages?

[I wish]

She doesn't respect you in the sense that you want to discuss relationship issues. She finds a way to shove them aside. I'm not sure what your definition of respect is, but if I had problems with my significant other, I would want to try to work them out together. If my significant other doesn't want to hear me out, that means the person doesn't care about my concerns.

[DrJ]

I'm building up resentment for issues that go unresolved.

That is deadly.

[takeapicture]

Her friend told me (while drunk and in confidence) that she loves seeing her friend with me because every other guy she has dated did everything she asked and I don't. I don't really care if the friend approves, but it gave me some insight. If this girl is used to being in control (bored by it or not) than we won't work. I'm not looking to control or be controlled. Just work together like adults.

[DrJ]

because every other guy she has dated did everything she asked

She seems to lack the life experiences that you have. While many adults are guilty of it, this is definitely juvenile and immature behavoir

[takeapicture]

I agree that the avoidance is irritating, but if you are paying attention, I'm saying she does this with everyone. Her parents told me so. They said she has always rebelled and refuses to give in. They thought I had enough sway with her to get her into counseling, but they were wrong... BIG FIGHT.

I Wish, sorry to keep fighting with you, but you seem full of clichéd relationship advice. Obviously I don't need to be convinced that the lack of communication is unhealthy (I'm posting on askmehelpdesk). I don't need the obvious pointed out.

She seems to lack the life experiences that you have. While many adults are guilty of it, this is definitely juvenile and immature behavoir

This is what I have been looking for. Thank you.