Check out some similar questions!

ainest · Jun 18, 2009, 07:39 AM

I believe, after reading some of the great threads here, that my situation is somewhat unique. My ex dumped me about 3 weeks ago, after a 2 year relationship. She gave me a few reasons; she wants to be independent, she can't be in a relationship anymore, etc. Thing is, in about 3 months she's going to spend 10 months in a foreign country. When we were together, that was 'looming down', and even I felt that way... this is another reason she stated for the breakup. She also mentioned that she doesn't see our lives being compatible in the long run, as are potential lives would be very different... she would have a traveling career, and I would not.

We talked a lot about the long term over the last year or so. As recent as 6 weeks ago, we talked about getting married after she returns and traveling and what not together. I am willing to do anything with her. This was a completely unexpected, overnight development with little to no signs leading up to it. We were always very affectionate and intimate toward each other, and things didn't change, in our attitude or behavior, until just about 2 days before the breakup. She made the decision suddenly and stubbornly sticks to it.

To make things worse, I have strong evidence that she has entered a rebound relationship, with a guy she met only 3 days after the breakup. We are friends now, but it is very difficult for me. We are not physical anymore, either. I do not act sad or down around her, and I stay positive and friendly with her. We talk about things and laugh still, but it is not the same.

And to top it off, she is part of the same group of friends as myself. Old friends; breaking communication with them is not an option, and I will see her probably at least weekly even if I choose not to. I want her to understand the mistake she's made, to understand that we should be together. But I have very little time to play the waiting game; she'll be gone soon. I can't stop wondering if I did something wrong, even though things were outwardly fantastic for the both of us until the last minute.

snow124 · Jun 18, 2009, 07:47 AM

Definitely not a unique situation. It's not going to be possible to be friends when you're still hoping to be with her. She's seeing someone else now, so why still cling to something that's not going to happen? Initiate NC.

kctiger · Jun 18, 2009, 07:49 AM

Make yourself scarce while she is in town, and then start to fully heal once she leaves. Your situation is not unique at all, as Snow pointed out. Her life and her actions no longer matter. You can choose to accept this as is and build from there, or you can live in denial for awhile, as you are in shock and clearly aren't thinking rational. Sadly you cannot make her change her mind or realize the "mistake" she has made... her mind is made up, and any change will come from her, not you.

ainest · Jun 18, 2009, 07:57 AM

The person I thought I'd spend my life with dumped me and found someone new. Shouldn't I feel a tad betrayed? Shouldn't I wonder what I could possibly have done wrong to initiate this? I shouldn't let her know how I feel instead of pretending its cool?

kctiger · Jun 18, 2009, 08:05 AM

I understand your feelings. Right now, you are hurt and of course you feel betrayed. It sucks, I know how you feel. To be honest, no advice will do any good for your right now as you are still in shock and are still learning to accept this. Vent away my friend! We have all been there.

ainest · Jun 18, 2009, 08:14 AM

Well, your wrong about one thing. Your advice does help. As a an above sticky points out, my brain knows your right, my heart does not. And now that I think about it, in the 6 or so times we have hung out since the breakup, none have been initiated by her.

Assuming I decide to initiate no contact, what do I do? If she texts me, calls me, whatever... do I outright ignore it? The idea of not being involved in her life is almost appalling.

kctiger · Jun 18, 2009, 08:16 AM

You ignore it... ignore it more... and you keep ignoring it. IF she wants you back, if she wants to reconcile, you let her come to you, in person, without any doubt about her reasons, thoughts or anything else.

As for you, move forward, treat this as a death and find the dignity that you know you have. Change your phone number if you have to. This is going to be a long, tough process that starts with your brain, and by the end, will reach your heart.

jmooney527 · Jun 18, 2009, 08:18 AM

Try not to focus on what you could've done wrong. Chances are you didn't do anything wrong. But sadly you can't make someone stay in love with you. You want to be in this relationship. She doesn't. She showed that when she started seeing her rebound guy, hopefully not before she broke things off. If she loved and respected you she would be with you and not seeing another guy. I know it's hard, but start NC right away. Whether you want her back or nothing to do with her, NC is the best way to go.

jmooney527 · Jun 18, 2009, 08:22 AM

Originally Posted by ainest

well, your wrong about one thing. your advice does help. as a an above sticky points out, my brain knows your right, my heart does not. and now that i think about it, in the 6 or so times we have hung out since the breakup, none have been initiated by her.

assuming i decide to initiate no contact, what do i do? if she texts me, calls me, whatever...do i outright ignore it? the idea of not being involved in her life is almost appauling.

It's hard feeling like you're hurting another person by ignoring them... but remind yourself what SHE has done to YOU every time you think you're being mean or hurting her.

talaniman · Jun 18, 2009, 10:35 AM

She made the decision suddenly and stubbornly sticks to it.

She didn't just wake up and change her mind, she has thought of this for a long time. YOU are the one who is just finding out.

To make things worse, I have strong evidence that she has entered a rebound relationship, with a guy she met only 3 days after the breakup

She was moving away from you for some time now, you didn't know it.

We are friends now, but it is very difficult for me. We are not physical anymore, either. I do not act sad or down around her, and I stay positive and friendly with her. We talk about things and laugh still, but it is not the same.

You have been playing the role of friend because you want her back, instead of dealing with the break up and healing. Of course she likes you still in her life, but she is still free to do whatever she wants, with whomever, without guilt.

And to top it off, she is part of the same group of friends as myself. Old friends; breaking communication with them is not an option, and I will see her probably at least weekly even if I choose not to.

That will change when she leaves and just so you know, life and people change all the time, and yesterdays friends become memory, as you live your life and make new ones.

I want her to understand the mistake she's made, to understand that we should be together.

Forget that buddy, she doesn't feel she is making a mistake and she surely doesn't think you should be together, or you would be. Wishful thinking that ignores the facts.

But I have very little time to play the waiting game; she'll be gone soon. I can't stop wondering if I did something wrong, even though things were outwardly fantastic for the both of us until the last minute

Now its over, and its no ones fault, you just have not accepted it because your in shock, and because you still believe she will change her mind, due to false hope and still being in contact with her. That's not unique, that's human, and we all go through this at one time or another, and even a few times in our lives. Just read the other stories here, and see that for yourself. Your hardly alone buddy.

She will be gone soon, and you will heal, and see the reality of your situation, and deal with it in a positive way, and move forward with your life, and have your memories of the good time you had.

If not you will drown in your own shat, and be miserable.

ainest · Jun 18, 2009, 11:27 AM

Thanks for all the great advice here, its very sobering. The last piece I need to ask, do you think I need to confront her about things? The most recent times I've seen her I've kind of pretended to be perfectly fine. She doesn't know I've figured out she's seeing someone new already. Should I confront her and seek the closure I feel I need before I stop contacting her?

jmooney527 · Jun 18, 2009, 12:26 PM

Originally Posted by ainest

thanks for all the great advice here, its very sobering. the last piece i need to ask, do you think i need to confront her about things? the most recent times i've seen her i've kind of pretended to be perfectly fine. she doesn't know i've figured out shes seeing someone new already. should i confront her and seek the closure i feel i need before i stop contacting her?

I would say no. From the way you're speaking, it sounds like you want her to know you're not okay with it and you want her to feel bad, etc, want to get back together. You need to accept this first... as long as you have the mentality that she's going to "wake up" and want you back, NC will basically be impossible. As soon as she does the "I miss you, we should talk" speech, you'll be putty in her hands. You need to stick to NC, but for the right reasons... the main one being YOURSELF.

You're worrying too much about how she will feel or react to this... think about YOU. So you don't respond to messages, phone calls, etc... you have no obligations to this woman anymore.

talaniman · Jun 18, 2009, 12:41 PM

Disappear from her life and let her figure it out.

In all honesty, you let yourself be led because of false hope. Now you want to confront HER for not being honest with you about HER business?

Go ahead if you really need to run head first into a brick wall to accept its over.

Geez guy, she told you straight up its over, you just didn't listen.

ainest · Jun 18, 2009, 05:24 PM

Your bluntness is appreciated. You know, I'm in denial about this most of the time, but there are moments of clarity. Hopefully the clarity sticks soon. Right now I understand that I got all the closure I needed when she told me it was over.

Tando · Jun 18, 2009, 11:34 PM

ainest, my man,

I know where you are standing. I am also in the same process and let me tell you, there is no point in thinking about her. It only hurts... I do have the same feelings and ideas... same false hopes and try to kick them out of my system. It is a flipping hard process and it while take time.

Believe me, I am there for the last 6 weeks... it paralises me from time to time and I put my life on hold... and every day I "waste" my day in thoughts, I look back and think: WHY?! Another day that I filled with something complete unnecessary... but still do allow yourself to heal as well and get on with your life.

My ex is a wonderful person with a wonderful personality although the break-up was tough and unexpected in the way it went along. I see her as a person that will always stay in my heart and mind, don't know about my life though.

I am accepting slowly but it is an up and down... have a look at my personal thread and follow the process... maybe you can identify yourself a bit... there are quite some good posts as well ;-)

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...me-363628.html

Take good care of YOURSELF, not HERSELF...

ainest · Jun 19, 2009, 05:33 PM

Tando, don't take this the wrong way, but your post has shown me how irrational I myself might have been (or still am?). I can see that you were out of your mind and blinded for a little while, until logic and reason set in... I'm still feeling that crazy, at times. And at other times, I am ready for NC. The best way to describe my current state is simply 'confused'.

One thing these posts have done, is talk me out of confronting her. I have realized (perhaps not accepted) the cold hard truth. Although I said the breakup was a surprise, the facts are, it was not. She is leaving the country in a few months. She has told me before that during that time, she wants 'a break to see other people', although we never agreed on that point. If that's not a sign, I don't know what is. Our difference in opinion should have shown me: I was willing to wait a year for her, she was not. Of course, we stayed together for months after that conversation. But things had changed. I just didn't decide to see it until she dumped me.

Right now I'm telling myself that the right relationship will be easy, and I won't have to try so hard to make it work with 'the one'. Any happily married couple will tell you that.

NC is hard though; she contacted me today and thanked me for "being there for her"; that I'm "a really great friend". Why do I feel bad that ignoring her will hurt her feellngs, when she has hurt mine so intensely?

N0help4u · Jun 19, 2009, 05:40 PM

You can not make her love you. She has to learn from her own mistakes. Also whatever you do don't push or cry to her or anything that makes you come off needing her it could push her further away.

talaniman · Jun 19, 2009, 08:02 PM

NC is hard though;

Yep, no matter how many times you do it.

she contacted me today and thanked me for "being there for her"; that I'm "a really great friend".

And you returned the niceties, didn't you?

Why do I feel bad that ignoring her will hurt her feellngs,

You don't have to ignore any one, but be busy and unavailable. She ain't got girlfriend privileges any more.

when she has hurt mine so intensely?

She didn't hurt you, the break up did. Break ups should always hurt, because you cared, and that's the way its supposed to be.

Tando · Jun 20, 2009, 08:51 AM

Hey ainest,

I did not take your words the wrong way. I was flipping irrational and I know it by now. That time I thought I was being clear but the more sand has moved through the hourglass, the clearer you can see through it ;-).

Good on you to not confronting her... it won't help you at all. I was close a couple of times, but in the end my head told me straight that there is nothing to gain from.

NC is bloody hard, but for me, the longer you keep it, the easier it gets. It's amazing...

Have you told her that you are going NC?? If not, maybe you need to let her know, why you need to do this step. That it's not about her but about yourself and your protection and process. Every contact from there is up to you. You need to decide how to interact in the end, but do it only to the extend in order to not hurt yourself!!

Have you checked on the sticky? Follow that advice and you'll be fine in the short and long run for sure...

ainest · Jun 20, 2009, 05:24 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

You don't have to ignore any one, but be busy and unavailable. She ain't got girlfriend privileges any more.

She didn't hurt you, the break up did. Break ups should always hurt, because you cared, and thats the way its supposed to be.

These are both really good points. Being unavailable is far easier to carry out indefinitely; if I inform her about NC, she will only be offended and this will spur a fight, hurting both of our feelings. However, being 'busy', I believe, will send the same message, but in a more subtle way. She's busy with her new friends/possibly lover, anyway, so I doubt she will be to concerned about it. Possibly, it is as hurtful for her to be around me as it is for me around her; although we have hung out multiple times since the breakup, all have been initiated by me. Perhaps NC is best for both of us.

The second point I quoted will help me to avoid coming to resent her. I must always remember that her breaking up with me doesn't make her a bad person...