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brady bunch · May 18, 2009, 06:24 AM

This is the story. I am 43 and have 2 kids. I am a widower, and a physician. I have been with a great woman for about a year. She has 2 kids tha same age as mine. We love each other a lot. We were engaged for about 3 months. An underlying issue the past several months has been with my daughter and my fiancé. They do not get along. My daughter is 5 years old. My daughter has done a lot to keep us apart... unknowingly, an emotional aftermath from the death of her mother. In any event, because of this volatile relationship, my fiancé has called off the engagement. Not anything to do with the relationship that exists between her and I. we are great. If there were no children involved we would be married yesterday. I want to get back with her. Is there anything I can do??

I wish · May 18, 2009, 06:47 AM

Your 5 year old daughter must have a really big influence for your fiancé to call off the wedding. She's obviously too young to understand all the facts.

She could have made a better effort at helping your daughter accept her, by spending time with her, etc. But it's going to be very tough either way. Maybe the problem is that your fiancé wasn't ready to put the effort, in a way reflecting that she might not be ready to put the effort when the going gets tough with you. She has kids of her own, so she must understand that with baggage takes much more work.

I'm sorry to say, but if she isn't ready to handle the tough work required in such a relationship, then maybe she's not the woman for you. You can't force her to do anything that she isn't comfortable with. She has to WANT to do it.

brady bunch · May 18, 2009, 07:07 AM

The relationship between the two of us is great. She has said that she would marry me if there were no kids in a heart beat. Up to now we are still intimate even though she keeps telling me we can not be together because of the kids. Every night/everyother night we are together.
Once the kids come in to the picture, it creates such stress for her that she responds with the break up thing.
She has said that she does not want to be involved with my daughter, "it is too much for her!!!" and there is the competition between my daughter and hers.
In the end, we have had many breakups over this issue. But we have always resolved it. This time she has stated she is not going to change her mind. We will break up. This is all discussed in bed. I want it to work!

talaniman · May 18, 2009, 07:16 AM

Once the kids come in to the picture, it creates such stress for her that she responds with the break up thing.

There has to be something your missing if she can't, or doesn't want to, deal with your kids. You're a package deal buddy, and she is trying to get you, and not your kids. It ain't going to work that way, and if she can't accept your kids, she can't accept you.

What else does she want you to change?

I wish · May 18, 2009, 07:20 AM

It's easy to say that she will marry you if you have no kids. But the fact remains that BOTH of you have kids. There's no getting around it.

Unfortunately, it's an all or nothing type of package.

Romefalls19 · May 18, 2009, 07:32 AM

You have kids, therefore as a father you must do what's in the best interest of your kids.

She has kids, therefore, as a mother she must do what's in the best interest of her kids.

She obviously sees the relationship not working with the blended family, not often do they. My fiancé has 2 kids from a previous relationship and her ex was dating a girl who has 2 kids, his own kids got lost in translation. She understands that her kids well being is the most important thing.

Sorry but this just isn't going to work out, you have blinders on because of your daughter, there has to be something going on for your fiancé to end it because of her.

brady bunch · May 18, 2009, 07:39 AM

Unfortunetly she does not want me to change anything.
She loves me and wants the best for me and my kids, thus she is "letting me go" to find a woman who can be a great wife and mother to us.

I want her.
In the beginning of our relationship, she was ready to marry me with all the baggage. I was the hesitant one. She did all she could to convince me. Now that she has done so, she changes her mind, and tells me no more. I can't turn it off. My comitment is to the end. Marriage is a commitment and when I proposed I meant forever, no matter what.
This is why I am having a hard time.
If she thought it before, why not now?
There must be something I can do to bring it back.
I am tempted to let her go, hoping she will come back, but I am too scared!!
For now it is a nightly event to see her, spend the night, and go back and forth with her no, and my yes!

brady bunch · May 18, 2009, 09:00 AM

But, but, but...

talaniman · May 18, 2009, 09:58 AM

But nothing, you had your fun, now its time to find something else to do every night, like tuck your kids in.