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scrappydoo2 · May 2, 2009, 01:33 AM

I was in a relationship with a great guy for about 14 months. Before that we were very very close friends. A few months ago he was asking his family members all about engagement rings and when we first started to go out he told me that I was the girl he wanted to marry. However we are in a long distance relationship and we barely spend time with each other having taken our relationship for granted since we started as friends. We go out about 3 or 4x n a month and it didn't matter at first. About end of last year, I started to feel unhappy and unsatisfied with our relationship and it started to fall apart. We became more and more distant. I finally had the guts to tell him I was unhappy about two weeks ago and he told me that he loved me like a friend or a sister only and that he didn't love me as more than that. However when we finally got the chance to talk, he told me that he was confused about his feelings and he needed time for himself to grow. He is a couple years younger than I am. I'm in my late twenties and he's in his early twenties and is a very immature guy. I so love him and want to make the relationship work and am willing to sacrifice everything for him. Now he's asking for a cool off period because he wants to think and confirm how he feels about me whether as a friend or more than that. I asked him for a time limit and he said he didn't want a time limit because he would just feel pressured. I asked him to define the cool off and he said we are still committed to each other but we act as friends and let the relationship develop naturally later on. But He hasn't contacted me in two weeks at all. We haven't spoken to each other. How much time should I give him?

I don't want to keep on hoping and waiting for something. But I also can't let go right now.

How long do you think is the appropriate time I give him before I contact him? Everyday has been hell to me.

Btw, no 3rd parties for both.

Bluerose · May 2, 2009, 04:32 AM

Leave him to it. No contact whatsoever. He'll soon discover how he feels about you and come knocking. Either that or he already has someone else and is too much of a coward to tell you. Guys don't move on unless they have something to move on to.

scrappydoo2 · May 2, 2009, 04:46 AM

Originally Posted by bluerose

Leave him to it. No contact whatsoever. He’ll soon discover how he feels about you and come knocking. Either that or he already has someone else and is too much of a coward to tell you. Guys don’t move on unless they have something to move on to.

We haven't broken up yet. He told me that we are still committed to each other. I asked him if he'd rather a break up but he said he'd rather a cool off because in breaking up we wouldn't be able to work out on our relationship anymore. Anyway what I'm not going to pine for him, I'm slowly healing and moving on and if he comes back or not, I'll be prepared for it. I'm just wondering how long should I give him the time and space? Is 2 months enough? After the time limit I will put on this relationship, if he doesn't come back to me, I'll break up with him.

Bluerose · May 2, 2009, 04:55 AM

Yes. At least two months. But if he is serious about wanting to sort things out, you both need time to get your heads clear and then come to the table prepared to listen to each other and then negotiate and compromise until you both feel happy with the results.

scrappydoo2 · May 2, 2009, 05:35 AM

Originally Posted by bluerose

Yes. At least two months. But if he is serious about wanting to sort things out, you both need time to get your heads clear and then come to the table prepared to listen to each other and then negotiate and compromise until you both feel happy with the results.

Yes. Our parting was kind of sad. We didn't fight at all. He walked me to my car and kissed my cheek and said he was sorry. And he said that he knows this will be OK. If we're meant to be we're meant to be. I just can't understand why after that he hasn't contacted me just even to say hi. It's been two weeks already. :(

Bluerose · May 2, 2009, 06:08 AM

I’m sorry but if he hasn’t even contacted you to see how you are, and there has been no deaths in his family, it sounds like he has his eye on someone else.

I wish · May 2, 2009, 08:08 AM

I don't think it's a good idea to have a time limit. Like he said, he doesn't want extra pressure. Just let him be until he figures it out.

However, long distance is extremely difficult. Before you guys even take the next step in the relationship, you should really see each other in person for a much longer period.

Are you guys going to be living in the same city anytime soon?

talaniman · May 2, 2009, 08:29 AM

Why even agree to such an open ended arrangement? This may work great for him, but for you its like exile to limbo.

I think your wise to get over him, but think its time to let go.

You should have let go when he first talked about a cooling off period. Committed couples don't just disappear from each others lives, they work together to solve their problems.

Any partner of mine who vanishes for a couple of weeks, is so out luck, as their ain't that much love in the world to make me put up with that kind of behavior.

Survivor07 · May 2, 2009, 08:58 AM

You wrote in your post he is immature.

This is how immature men/boys (people in general) break up with their significant other.

He was just trying to let you down easy.

Don't allow yourself to be put on a shelf, for him to just pick you up again, when he has no one else.

I, too, think he has met someone else. Sorry.

scrappydoo2 · May 2, 2009, 07:10 PM

Originally Posted by I wish

I don't think it's a good idea to have a time limit. Like he said, he doesn't want extra pressure. Just let him be until he figures it out.

However, long distance is extremely difficult. Before you guys even take the next step in the relationship, you should really see each other in person for a much longer period of time.

Are you guys going to be living in the same city anytime soon?

That's one of our major problems. He has huge responsibilities for his family business, and I also have huge responsibilities in our family business.

scrappydoo2 · May 2, 2009, 07:12 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Why even agree to such an open ended arrangement? This may work great for him, but for you its like exile to limbo.

I think your wise to get over him, but think its time to let go.

You should have let go when he first talked about a cooling off period. Committed couples don't just disappear from each others lives, they work together to solve their problems.

Any partner of mine who vanishes for a couple of weeks, is so out luck, as their ain't that much love in the world to make me put up with that kind of behavior.

I asked him if he wanted to break up. He said no, he only needed some time and space. I also think that it is important to solve problems together. But I'm in love with him that's why I agreed to the cool off.

scrappydoo2 · May 2, 2009, 07:14 PM

Originally Posted by Survivor07

You wrote in your post he is immature.

This is how immature men/boys (people in general) break up with their significant other.

He was just trying to let you down easy.

Don't allow yourself to be put on a shelf, for him to just pick you up again, when he has no one else.

I, too, think he has met someone else. Sorry.

That's why I'm wondering how long should I give him for the cool off. A month or two? We also have joint businesses together so it's kind of complicated.