[Depressed in MO]

Hello everyone. It's been a while since I've posted on here referring back to my extremely bad relationship that I was in. Most of you all don't know, but I ended up leaving my abusive boyfriend of six years-back in June. We are still not together.
Well long story short, we have 2 kids together. He does not pay child support, he still is the SAME WAY as he was before (and all you new ones would have to refer back to my very first Post entitled "Need to Find Courage".-sorry couldn't figure out how to get it copied on here for convenience) Anyhow, he just recently came out of rehab in which he was ordered to go for a 30 day treatment. He was ordered to go there because he came after me violently while I was holding our baby boy in my arms (he is only 1). Now he wants to see the kids. I want the kids to have a relationship with their father, but am very worried on some things. Number one, like I said, he hasn't changed his recreation at all-he still parties, gets drunk, sells/does dope. Although not every day-the fact that he does this crap at all is bad enough. And he may not do it when he is with the kids, however-then comes Number two: the last time I let him take just our son-I'd say it was about 1;00PM in the afternoon on a Sunday evening. I asked him to bring him home around 9:00-9:30PM because I had to get up early and go to work the next day. Well 9:00PM comes around and he wouldn't answer his phone, then he would and hang up on me-just play games. I didn't get my son back until midnight that evening and when I did, his father was drunk.
I'm worried. I'm worried that if I let the kids go then he might do that to me again (not bring them back). He says he won't do that to me and that he knows they need to be with their mother-but I just can't take that risk. I feel bad and fear I may be doing something wrong, like maybe I am being selfish or something. I'm really not trying to keep the kids away from him like he thinks, I'm just trying to look out in their best interest. I really need him and want him to be a part of their lives-I just can't make him get his "stuff" together and I can't trust him. I know, I need to get an attorney on this, but I am just asking you this: Am I wrong?

[ilovcali]

Just because a man is the father does not mean he IS A FATHER. I would not let your kids near this guy. He's a lose cannon. And no child should be around a man like this.

I think you have to take a stand again. Until he rehabs and truly changes, he must be cut-off from the kids. Absolutely. A child should have a relationship with the father, but not if the father is as you described.

The child would benefit more from being away from such a horrible influence, regardless of the relationship he has.

You have to be a GOOD MOTHER by keeping them away from a TERRIBLE FATHER.

[Wildcat21]

I know for a fact he is a really bad man... the worst kind. Not surprised rehab did nothing.

Anyway - you need to get custody of the kids. Document everything.

I am wondering if he has to be tested for drug use now?? I am wondering if after he drops of fthe kids and he is high and drunk you tel lthe police he driving around messed up.

NO CHILD should be exposed to a massive creep like this. Who knows what he does to them.

I know this guy is headed to jail for a long time.

I don't think you will ever see any child support from this loser.

[Depressed in MO]

"I am wondering if he has to be tested for drug use now?????? I am wondering if after he drops of fthe kids and he is high and drunk you tel lthe police he driving around messed up."-WC-he does get random drug testing. He doesn't smoke marijuana or anything, he likes cocaine. And of course, alcohol.
Like I said, if he hadn't have done what he did with the boy the last time, I probably wouldn't be AS concerned. He keeps calling me even right now asking me "why are you doing this to me...." I can't take it! I don't deserve to feel bad about this!

[Wildcat21]

He'll get caught.

He's screwed up on drugs - that's a really hard drug - clouds his mind. Paranoid.

He did EVERYTHING to himself. Do not FALL for his self pitty.

He seems like a really miserable man - what a horrible life. He lowest of lows.

You need to find out how to getr custody of the kids. And a restraining order fro mthis creep - a person like this should not be aorund kids.

[ilovcali]

I can't take it! I don't deserve to feel bad about this!

This is totally normal. People with such MASSIVE ISSUES like this gem of a guy, are never going to accept responsibility for their faults. If they did that, they'd have guilt, remorse, and perhaps a willingness to change.

OF COURSE he's guilt tripping you. Otherwise he'd have no one to blame but himself. And this piece of work is NEVER going to accept any responsibility for his faults.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU ARE RIGHT. YOU ARE RIGHT. YOU ARE RIGHT.

Keep your kids away from this person. He'll ruin them too someday. He has to acknowledge his flaws BEFORE he'll ever change. He's not even CLOSE to doing that.

[BIM]

DO NOT GIVE THESE CHILDREN TO THIS MAN---UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!! These children DO NOT need to be subjected to this type of behavior. They need to be shown a path of a normal life, not one clouded with drugs and alcohol!! If they see this sort of behavior on a regular basis, they may grow up to think it is OK to do drugs and alcohol.

I went through a horrible divorce, custody battle, $20,000 attorney bill, blah blah blah. I know for a fact that this man actually wouldn't receive any visitation of these children, due to the drugs. I was told that a parent is ONLY unfit if they are a drug addict or a prostitute (Nebraska Law.) Which is sad because the circumstances some children get subjected to are horrible. He could possibly get supervised visitations, but that is all I would do, if anything.

I would get an attorney and protect these children. Just because he is the sperm doner, doesn't make him a father. :o

Good luck and make the children YOUR number one priority!!

[momincali]

Please, for the love of your kids, don't allow this male anywhere near your kids. Whether he sells dope everyday or once a year, he gets high, drunk and is an extremely dangerous person. He didn't care that he had a responsibility to your kids, he got drunk and high anyway. He's not a father, only a sperm donor. A father doesn't do that. He is just a self-centered jerkwad who only cares about himself and hurting you. Think beyond what he is capable of, because with guys like these, that's usually what they do. Don't get caught by surprise. Do everything in your power to assure that he does not get visitation rights. Record things. Take pictures if you can. Your life and the life of your children are too important to give him the benefit of the doubt. I just attended the funeral of a co-worker of mine. Her drug/alcohol addicted but functioning soon to be ex-husband shot her in the head and then turned the gun on himself. The police discovered that he was trying to get their 12 year old daughter to come over for a visit that same night, he left a note to his brother apologizing for killing his daughter and himself, luckily, the girl's grandma didn't take her over because she was sick. Guys like this don't give a damn about anyone but themselves. I know she never thought he was capable of this, so sad to see she was mistaken.

[J_9]

I love every response you got here!!

Another way to look at it, since there are several angles here...

If you give the kids to him you are endangering them!! You are allowing their safety to be jeopardized.

This man is a sperm donor, not a father. A father would not risk the safety of his child. Plain and simple.

When he says "Why are you doing this to me?" You respond with "I am not doing anything to you, you are doing it to yourself." Period, end of conversation.

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES risk the health of your child by sending him anywhere with the sperm doner.

[Depressed in MO]

I love every response you got here!!!

Another way to look at it, since there are several angles here....

If you give the kids to him you are endangering them!!! You are allowing their safety to be jeopardized.

This man is a sperm donor, not a father. A father would not risk the safety of his child. Plain and simple.

When he says "Why are you doing this to me?" You respond with "I am not doing anything to you, you are doing it to yourself." Period, end of conversation.

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES risk the health of your child by sending him anywhere with the sperm doner.

"When he says "Why are you doing this to me?" You respond with "I am not doing anything to you, you are doing it to yourself." Period, end of conversation."-I did tell him that-I'm so proud of myself! Please believe me, I don't let him take the kids now. I just needed to hear from a few good people that I was doing the right thing. I hear about this stuff all the time, and I don't want to be another "statistic". I fear sometimes that he will try something. At first, he threatened to kill my dad because my dad hates him and absolutely will not let him around and does not want me to have the kids be around him. Sometimes, I fear that we'll be sitting in the living room, or me and the kids will be outside while the girls ride their bikes and I'm pushing the baby in the swing-that he will drive by and start shooting or have someone he knows do it. He says he knows a lot of people and all he has to do is get them high and they will do anything. Crackheads. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. He said he would never do anything to me or the kids, but it never came down to me telling him no to EVERYTHING until recently.
Anyway-I'm sorry, I am going on and on-I know the right thing to do-I just needed some reassurance from people who didn't know me...

[momincali]

I feel for you Mo (sorry, don't want to call you depressed). I'd be pretty scared myself. The fear of anything happening to our children is enough to send us climbing walls. Keep your composure, because with composure comes good judgment. Is there anything you can do legally to keep this guy from you and the kids? I don't know if he's actually threatened you or the children, if he has, get proof of it and go to the police. If you can't, then do what is within your power. I'd even consider moving far away. If I felt that my children were in danger because of his erratic behavior, I'd do whatever I had to. I'm not sure whether his threats are empty, there are lots of people, and I'm sure he knows many of them, who will do anything for crack. Stay strong no matter how much guilt he sends your way and keep both eyes open at all times on your kids. If you can, get involved in church activities and attend a bible study. You'd be amazed how much a connection with God can calm you and make you feel safe and loved.

[ilovcali]

He threatened to KILL your DAD!? WHAT THE HELL? CALL THE COPS. Isn't threatening to kill someone AGAINST THE LAW! Also based on his history, his threats DO CARRY SOME WEIGTH.

Honestly, we're here to help, but you don't need us to tell you that this guy is TOTALLY WORTHLESS. WORTHLESS.

RESTRAINING ORDER!! RESTRAINING ORDER!!

THIS NUTJOB SHOULD BE IN JAIL. If he deals narcotics, HAVE HIM ARRESTED. DO SOMETHING.

How do psycho's make people fall in love with them? One of the great mysteries of life.

ANYWAY, STAY SAFE. AND KEEP THIS NIMROD MILES AND MILES AWAY FROM ANYONE YOU LOVE.

[Wildcat21]

No - this is good - sort it out. Keep talking - it will help clear things up in your mind.

[ilovcali]

I wasn't saying don't post here. My point is this guy sounds like he may do something drastic pretty soon. I think she should take some DRASTIC measures herself.

A restraining order would be the first step I think.

[Depressed in MO]

Well, I did get a restraining order on him after he came after me with the baby in my arms-Not too long after that, my mother, who has always been there to support me (kind of like playing "his" role) died of a stroke (at the age of 51). So now I am completely on my own. Anyway-the court date was the day after my mom's funeral. I've only been working here since middle of March and have used up all my time during my mom's sickness/death.
So much has happened, and with my mother gone, I feel so alone. I know she would have wanted me NOT to let them go either as she was around to witness the time he took the baby and acted like he wouldn't bring him back (2 days before she died).
Anyway-not trying to get off the subject here... I got the restraining order, didn't go to court the day after the funeral because I could not take off-When I called the courthouse to let them know-the lady that answered was rude to me and told me that it was dropped because neither one of us showed up. When I asked if there was anything I could do, she said "I don't know" real hatefully, and then she transferred me into someone's voice mail. At this point, the children's father was already in rehab so I did not feel threatened at the time. He even called me and told me he was going to church and this and that-I am so disappointed and ashamed that he is not trying to do better. But It's not my problem anymore. He would call to say how much he missed the kids and this and that, and to see how he is now that he is at home-it disgusts me. How can someone be like this?

[Wildcat21]

Get the restraining order ASAP

[J_9]

Yeppers, get the restraining order and you can present the obituary to the judge so that he may, hopefully, be sympathetic to your situation.

You have come a long way baby!! I would love to just shake your hand and buy you lunch one day. When I am in school I am only about 20 minutes from Caruthersville LOL!!

You stay strong, we are so proud of you!!

[talaniman]

You have gotten a lot of good advice, and you must stay strong and do whatever it takes to protect your child from this loser sperm donor.

[Wildcat21]

Yes Mo - I know for a fact you've come a long way just in a couple months. I can feel you getting a little stronger every day and now doing things you nerver realized or thought you could do.

[s_cianci]

First of all, sue him for child support and get an order established. Secondly, if he does push for visitation, you push to get it ordered that he is allowed supervised visitation only, for a very limited amount of time each week. Be able to document and/or have witnesses to testify to his criminal activities and gross indiscretions. Lastly, don't ever assume that he won't do things in your son's presence. It sounds like bad news to me. Frankly I'm not sure your son "needs" a father like this.