Check out some similar questions!

brand01 · Apr 12, 2009, 10:51 AM

I have known her for more than a year. Three or four months ago she broke off with her boyfriend and she felt very sad. Now she looks like back to normal self but she seemed change in her behaviour. Nowadays she often looks for new guys to go out and meet. Guys known from internet or meet outside or friends recommend. Previously she wouldn't just go and meet new guys. She mentioned to me she is OK but do not really feel happy inside. Nowadays she do not talk much with me and we seldom go out even though I have known her for more than a year. Recently she has been drinking a lot of alcohol (sometime till drunk) and start smoking. Previously she is able to control her drinking. Sometime she even skips attending her university classes. Seemed, like her life is spiraling downwards. She said she feels terrible inside and lost trust of friends and no mood to study. But her outside appearance looks happy and joyous. For the past months I have try to talk to her or get her to open up about her feelings or make more conversations. Is she feeling insecure, low self-esteem and feel self worthless? Why she look for new guys to go out and meet? How do I get her to open up when she won't talk about her feelings, or even make a lot of conversation? Why is she covering up when she always feels terrible inside but looks normal and sometime happy outside? How to get her feet up again? I am at lost here. Anyone please give any comment and advice. Thanks...

taoplr · Apr 12, 2009, 01:20 PM

Brand,

You are describing a problem that you don't have the skills to solve and that she is not ready to solve. Yes, she is feeling insecure. She's unhappy. She doesn't have a way to work through her issues.

It's common for people to put on a "game face" for the world while feeling bad inside, and they do this as long as they believe it works. Getting them to open up can be a big responsibility. Don't take it lightly. You might not be able to handle what comes out.

Possibly the best thing you can do is:

(1) Be a trustworthy friend. Slow down and let her be. Let her be at ease with you the way she is now. Don't try to force her open. Don't join her in her drinking, though. That would make you an enabler of her pattern.

If she opens up, listen and understand. Don't try to fix her or solve her problem. Just be someone who understands. This will require that you be patient.

(2) If, in time, you get to the place where she is talking and trusting you with her issues, encourage her to get professional help. If she feels ashamed about doing this, remind her that this the 21st century, and people see therapists like they see dentists. Therapists are just resources; they can help us do what we don't know how to do.

(3) If you are open with her about your issues and concerns, the problems you are dealing with, and ask her opinion from time to time, you have a chance of her feeling that it's OK to reveal and resolve this kind of thing.

Take your time...

talaniman · Apr 12, 2009, 06:52 PM

She is having a hard time adjusting from a break up. I like your concern, but she may need more than just good intentions. Most time its better if she reaches out to you, and then you can be a good friend and listen, but until then I would back off and give her space.

Were you close before? Were you friends?

Nowadays she do not talk much with me and we seldom go out

kmart09 · Apr 12, 2009, 09:43 PM

Oh gosh, that's what I'm going through in a nutshell.
Scary.
She's confused, that's all I can say

Blushingbride · Apr 12, 2009, 11:30 PM

I agree with Talaniman. She's got her issues but she's not your responsibility. The only thing you can really do is be there for her. Take it from a woman. If she really loved the man she lost then he took a part of her heart with him when he left. She can be happy and with high spirits again but deep down it's so unforgettable that will be a piece that will never return. You never fully recover from a broken heart, you simply mend it back together and once she feels she's happy again that's when the glue sticks. Don't dwell on it too much just be supportive, listen, and just make her smile. I don't agree though that you just feel bad for her. Sounds like you really care about this girl and if that's the case that's why you worry about her so much. Be careful of falling in love if you don't think she doesn't care about you the same.

Blushingbride · Apr 12, 2009, 11:32 PM

Also the reason she doesn't want to hang out much anymore is she's so tired of guys messing her over even though it wasn't you who did you're still a man and she doesn't want to be around you.

brand01 · Apr 13, 2009, 12:36 AM

Hi, thanks for all your reply. We are good friends and we used to go out. Now she is in this situation she may not able to think clearly and may get into more problems without her realizing it(maybe drugs, more bad habits, cheated, mixed with wrong people, may stop study at all). Sometime it hurts to see she is upset and going through all this while I am not sure what else to do. I just hope there is a way or solution to help her back soon before she fall deeper and hurt herself.
Seem like, instead of trying to get her life back, she is punishing herself and may get hurt more in the long run. Why a person will behave this way?

kmart09: May I know how long have you gone through it and finally how you get out of it? How do you feel now?