[MeltimMN]

History:
I am a 42 Yr old guy from MN. I am in recovery and have been sober for over 12 years. I have been divorced for 5 years. I have 2 children living with their mother 215 miles away. I see them twice a month. Three years ago I decided to join e-harmony and found the woman of my dreams. Eventually I asked her to marry me. It was quick, but I felt it was right. She accepted. She eventually moved in with me leaving her sister in charge of the duplex they own together. We live in the country about 30 miles out of the downtown area but still considered a suburb. I lost my job last July and have been working a temp gig since August. Our income has been cut in half and we are really struggling financially. I am ever hopeful that it will work out but she is stressed beyond belief.

The Breakup:
On Friday she exclaimed to me over the phone that she could not live with me any more. She just said she was too stressed out and really couldn't put a finger on anything. She didn't want me around or to help her move.

The Explanation:
After three arduous days of giving her her space, we finally talked Tuesday morning. She told me that the financial situation was causing a trust issue with her. She is severely depressed and having thoughts of suicide. She feels a responsibility to her sister for the house they owned together and was not rented. She is overwhelmed and scared. She said I was smothering her.

My Response: (Shortened for brevity sake)
Yes our finances are a mess and I am working on that. My "smothering" was simply me trying to draw her out because I could feel her sliding away into her self again. I felt her pulling away and I responded by trying to draw her out. I did a poor job. She claims she still loves me. She says that she doesn't think she is in-love with me. I told her I wasn't worried about the in-love piece as I have learned that being in-love is temporary. It's passion, hormones etc all wrapped up together but love endures. If she still loves me there is still hope.

The plan:
We are calling this a separation. I will be working on my financial health, my physical health and my housekeeping. All things she said were bothering her. She said she needs time alone to work on herself and grow and then she will see where we are. We agreed not to see others and keep one another informed of issues that may come up that the other should know about, family illness, accidents or things that impact the other. The kicker for me is this, I promised her that I would not reach out to her but let her reach back to me. In other words, completely let her go and let her drive this bus.

The problem:
I don't know that I can do what I promised. I so want to reach out to her as I miss her. I know I need to not text, not call, not email unless she starts first. Writing about it like this helps but I am struggling. Any thoughts on how to be a success at letting go completely?

[mudweiser]

That doesn't seem fair: she's moving on but you have to sit there and wait?

This is going to sound harsh but: move on, if this girl is already putting you through some trouble think about how much more crap your going to go through if it becomes a 10 year long relationship.

MRS.S

[talaniman]

Like most agreements made under emotional duress, your screwed by your own words. Better to let her know you've changed your mind, and are going to move on.

I imagine she may be PO'd for a while, and call you dirty names, but you will be free, and clear to travel your own path, and rebuild a life that you can be happy about.