[Sword32]

I met the most amazing person in the world 6 years ago, we have been together ever since... She has had a lot of crap in her life and over last few months has been very distant pushing me away and being quite nasty.. We split up recently (she broke up with me) and now she is kind of seeing someone else from work.. Trouble is I really do love her, I know she still has some feelings for me and is doing what I have always done in the past, jump in with someone else to ease the pain..

She tells me its nothing that I have done and I deserve someone nicer than her, she tells me she is not a nice person and can't believe I stayed and put up with her for so long, but to me that is love, you give yourselfto a person 100% and trust them not to abuse this.. about 6 months ago she was pregnant and she had it aborted, I was so happy when I found out she was pregnant, but thought she didn't want it so I didn't try to stop her having it aborted, she thought I didn't want it so got rid even though we both now know just how much each other wanted to keep it.. Since then things have slid..

She is distant won't admit having any feelings for me or anything over the last 6 years, she acts cold saying she isn't bothered.. But then at times will show something, now as weird and strange as this sounds I love her more than anything in the world, I want her to be happy more than anything I love to see her laugh and smile, I want to be the person that does that for her but I also love her deeply enough to let her go. She is seeing another bloke from work now (this happened day after we split up) and I know she would never have cheated on me. I have 2 or 3 concerns..

1. she is making a huge mistake taking all the baggage and emotions of our relationship and throwing it at another bloke, it will never work and she will end up being hurt.
2. I love her more than anything in the world and I will support her whatever she does and I will always be there for her as a friend.
3. I want her back, purely selfish I know..

Being with her makes everythign all right. But can I win her back or should I let her go and just be her friend, I think I am strong enough to do both but... ahh welll ask me questions but please give me some advice I'm so confused, and if I should get her back HOW... I don't want to push her away further..

[talaniman]

You sound like you love her, but her actions show she has her own problems so forget the relationship and the friendship and move on with your life. People in love don't act as she does, so what you hope will happens probably won't. After 6 years you need the healing process to begin and it won't until you have had enough of this female. Sorry I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I think you're wasting your time with her period.

[Sword32]

I know your right, I can see it I wish it was that easy, I know I'm not responsible for her but I know from things she has said and done she doesn't love me. I do need to move on and remove her from my life because there is nothing I wouldn't do for her and she knows it. She even is prepared to live with me as a friend while seeing someone else.. And I know she is using me because she needs somewhere to live.. But AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH sorry that feels better...

Its time to change my life thank you for just confimring what I have thought about, the thing that hurts the most isn't the breakup but the fact that 6 years meant so little to her she was with someone else the next day..

I know what to do but will probably change my mind 100 times in next few days.. but with each day I get stronger.

[talaniman]

I feel your pain but if you work to make your life better and do the things that make you happy time will heal the gap in your soul that she left. If screaming makes you feel better then SCREAM! Good luck!

[Sword32]

Sorry that's frustration because she won't be the woman I fell in love with. Six years is a long time, and its not easy to let go fear of being alone and stuff but actually maybe its time to discover who I am.

[phillysteakandcheese]

... she wont be the woman i fell in love with...

You are not seeing things as they really are, you're still stuck in wishful thinking.

Talaniman has given you the advice you need... you know it... so just do it... and your life will get better.

[Sword32]

I started to make changes already today and I'm feeling a lot better, my happiness is not dependent on her, its dependent on me.. and for the 1st time in a long time I'm smiling.. Sometimes you just need a good slap to put things into perspective.

[Skell]

Good for you if tyou are feeling better.
I don't think you need this person. I know 6 years is a very long time and it hurts but there are some pretty sobering facts about her here.
She was with another person the day after ending a 6 year relatinship! c'mon. She has some major issues there. MAJOR!
And I know you don't think so but I'm pretty confident she would have been cheating on you. You just don't start seeing another guy 1 DAY AFTER breaking up with someone you are supposed to love.
Forget her and move on. You'll get through. Stick strong and don't contact her. It will only hurt you. Don't let her contact you either.
It will only lead to pain and suffering!

[valinors_sorrow]

You are right on the money Skell. People who love us, honor us. There isn't any honor in this. Don't stick around to have your face rubbed in it, please Sword?

[s_cianci]

I'd let her go. She sounds like a basket case who has some real issues to deal with. I doubt that you want to get yourself caught up in all of that. For your own sanity, move on.

[Sword32]

Thanks I know your all right, and I feel I'm moving on but I still have twinges and doubts, I guess that's natural after you have invested so much of yourself in another person for 6 years,

[Skell]

My word it is natural. No one can say that after 6 years you shouldn't be hurting. Yes you should be. The pain should be as bad as you have ever felt. At least I know it was that way for me when my GF of 7 years broke up with me.
The BS excuses for breaking up with you are just that. Please... you deserve someone better than me, I'm no good enough. That is crap...
She was with this other guy before you two broke up. You know it, I know, she knows it... you don't be with someone else the day after a 6 year relationship ends if you didn't have something going with them for a while before hand. I'm sorry to say that but you must understand me in coming to this conlclusion looking from my limited view from the outside.
Keep yourself busy, work hard on you, learn a new language, go for a long run, join a gym. Keep busy. Lean on your friends and family for a while. They will be there for you and will help oput I'm sure.
Just remove her from your life for now as hard as that seems. It will help you to think clearer and realise what you want.
It is all about YOU for a while now! YOU!!

[luvee]

What you feel is normal... it ain't easy to forget a relationship that long especially if you have tons of happy moments together. You can talk to her regarding what you feel, that you still lover her and all that... open up. There's nothing wrong with it than keeping it here with a bunch of unknown people who can only give advice based on what you're posting here. Talk to her, at least one last time... a heart to heart talk with that girl is what you need. I'm pretty sure, you know what to do next after you're done talking to her. And put in mind that you can either get her back or just let her go. Sometimes we have to let go of the person we cannot live without. This is the sad fact of life. Happiness is subjective. It's her life anyway, you don't want her to get hurt but if that what she wants, you can't do anything about it right? Acceptance is the key for you to move on. God has always a reason for everything. Cheer up! /COLOR]

[Sword32]

Well on this I disagree, I know she has known him for months but I also Trust her 100% I always have and while she can be a ***** I don't think she would ever be disloyal.. However over the last few months he has been working his magic behind the scenes and of course forbidden fruit always tastes better.. That said she had been meeting him as a FRIEND while I was at work while we were together but he was the only friend she kept from me.

Still I trust her 100% and I do believe she probably wanted to but didn't do anything until we split. And there's the strange thing... That hurts me more, if she met a bloke in a bar one night and had sex fine.. its just a momentary thing, a physical betrayal.. But to be developing feelings for someone and acting in a way that you are a couple and stuff is to me a bigger betrayal of trust. It's a betrayal of your soul of your love..

To me if I was with someone (and I have been here) and was with a friend of the opposite sex that was fun and I realised I really liked this person they made me laugh etc but I was developing deeper feelings, I would (and did) stop seeing this person because even though nothing was going on I felt like I was betraying my partners trust.

With all that said I will probably find out you are all right and I'm just being a muppet for believing what I believe purely because I don't want to believe the obvious..

And therein is my problem, when I'm in a relationship I give 100% trust to my partners because they deserve nothing less, how can anything work if you don't trust your partner..

I am going to talk to her tonight and I have made many decisions and choices of which I'm determined to stick to.. She has lied and shouted and stuff and before I leave her life forever I want her to be totally honest with me.

I have changed a lot for the better in the last few days and now I want to meet people but I want to be choosy I want to know their dreams desires I want to know their aspirations, I want to know that when I need a hug they are going to be there to give it to me I want to know are they going to be able to give me what I need from a relationship are they going to be supportive inspire me push me or maybe they are like my ex ambitionless, lazy, selfish, can only ever look on the negative side of things, doesn't even know my friends names after 6 years or even what I actually do for my job.. I know I can offer a lot in all the areas that count but I'm no longer going to be used for what I can give and take nothing emotionally in return.

I have made mistakes in the relationship too I don't blame her at all I blame myself for being so naïve for letting her be like that to me for so long, for allowing myself to give her everythign she wanted for allowing myself to always be there when she needed me yet was never there when I needed her never thought of me, she was completely emotionally detached.. I thought I was helping her by bing there for her and standing by her no matter how much **** and abuse she threw at me but I now realise I was holding her and myself back..

If its going to work for us we both need to change a lot, I am capable of that but I don't think she is or would even want to. But that's OK, I know what I want from life and from a relationship now and I won't settle for anything less, I know what and what I need to do to get there.

Thanks all again, and luvee you are right in many ways, I need this talk, not to reconcile but to put my heart at rest.

[sfqt33]

Yea, you need to let this one go. Why wait around for her to " act differently". People don't change unless they want to. Sounds like she doesn't want to, but she wants to know you are "In the wings". Just in case.
Close this door and have faith that another one will open up for you. You deserve to be respected and loved unconditionally !

[Sword32]

I know this will sound sad but I did pray I didn't ask for her back or for things to be OK, I prayed just to let god know I had faith in what his path for me is and to thank him for all the joy that is in my life (though it does look bleak at the moment.)

I do believe there is a plan for us all, and that does give me strength.

[talaniman]

A common red flag- When you're the one doing all the work in a relationship. It must be equal, two work together for the good of both. It must be balanced to be equal and fair to both. Give some and nothing wrong with getting some.

[valinors_sorrow]

I know this will sound sad but i did pray i didnt ask for her back or for things to be ok, i prayed just to let god know i had faith in what his path for me is and to thank him for all the joy that is in my life (though it does look bleak at the moment.)

I do believe there is a plan for us all, and that does give me strength.

That is such an excellent sentiment and the best approach, really. Sometimes all the red lights going home is God's way to keeping us from a major accident. Sometimes we have to have what seems like "dress rehearsal" relationships in order to be changed enough to match well with the real one when it comes along. Better to learn the lesson and be thankful for it then to blow it off with bitterness and sign up for the same lesson all over again. I can clearly recall setting some standards for myself at one time and it made all the difference in the world thereafter. I just wanted to say--Good for you, Sword!

[Skell]

I didn't necessarily mean cheating in the phyisical sense. If you don't think this has happened then that's good and ill trust your judgement.
But it certainly sounds like emotional cheating. You alluded to it in your post. She grew fond of this fella over a period and didn't pull back. Emotional cheating!!
You are right. She disrespected your trust. And that hurts a lot doesn't it. It is a very sad situation and a sad time for you but you have a great attitude. I'm sure you'll come out the other end of this knowing that it happened for a positive reason!

[Sword32]

Well I did it I had the little talk I needed to have to clear the air, I managed to keep strong say what I needed to say and tell her I don't want to be with her, she can't give me the love and security that I need and while I don't mind being friends with her I don't want to live with her and nore will I live with her.

I am so much stronger now than I ever was before, more confident (on the outside anyhow) I find I actually really like who I am, I feel that for the first time in years I'm awake I'm alive and I can't go back to being held back held down, repressed.. Although the thought of being alone after so long, havign no one to hold at night no one to come home to is a scary thought and gets me down if I allow myself to dwell on it, I know its for the best.

I found something else out about myself too, I don't NEED a partner to be happy, no one else can make me happy except me.. I don't want to be involved with someone because I need them, I want to get involved because I choose that I want them there.

Im really grateful to everyone here and I will no doubt be on here for months with a myriad of emotions as I change my life and move it forward and I deal with putting things in the past. But this has really helped me and for that I'm grateful. I know I'm not perfect, I have my flaws and weaknesses but at least I can see them and work on them.

And finally I have let her go, and I really hope she finds happiness and her dreams whatever they may be.