[belightingguy]

So I have an interesting situation going on in my life right now, and I'd really just like some input. Anything you have to offer is good.

First off, I'm 29 years old and have known a woman, Sarah we'll say, for about a year now. She is 25. When we first met each other, we were both dating other people and so we just became friends. Our social circles were pretty intertwined so we hung out quite a bit during various friends' activities.

Over the span of about 8 months, we both split up from our partners. We started spending a lot of time together at this point (a friend of hers is one of my closest friends) and over the last 4 months got closer and closer. Always flirting and poking fun at each other, etc. I have a great time with her and I have grown to care about her a lot.

About 2 weeks ago before I left for Christmas (and she was out of town), I slept with one of her close friends (said close friends is also a woman I dated about a year ago). A bunch of us were out having some drinks and her friend asked if she could stay with me. I said yes, and well... you can imagine where this is going.

A week ago, when I returned, a close group of us went out and she was her normal flirty self with me. Afterwards we all went back to my place, hung out for a little bit, and then everyone went their separate ways except for a different friend of hers and a friend of mine. Her friend mentions that I slept with girl x, so of course I know Sarah knows too. I felt horrible..

Since then, I have felt a huge amount of guilt. I feel like I have disappointed my friend. I feel like a complete jerk to be honest. I want to just come out with it, and apologize to her. Things have been different between us and it could very well be that I'm being different.

But here's the kicker. I don't know if she ever really had romantic feelings for me. I'm almost 90% sure that she did, but if she didn't, I run the risk of playing the dorky romantic guy and sending her running. I don't want to jeopardize our friendship by bringing up something and apologizing to her about something that maybe she never even cared about. What if we really are nothing more than great friends?

If she has ever felt anything more for me, I want her to know that I'm truly truly sorry, and at least have the possibility of remaining friends. I would be fine with that. She is an amazing person and I've learned acceptance in my years. If she never felt anything though, my apology could be undue, make things awkward, and maybe breakdown our friendship. I'm starting to feel like there really isn't any other way but to bite the bullet to see where we stand, hope for the best, and accept whatever happens.

Anyone have any other ways I could approach the situation that might minimize the chance of losing a good friend? Or am I on cue? We still spend time together with friends; should I not mention it and see how things pan out or bite the bullet?

Thanks a bunch

[Starbucks21]

You seem like a nice guy and I'm sure she'd be lucky to have you. I think you need to talk to her. Like have a good honest talk. You can't read her mind and that goes 2 ways. Just be the sweet shy gentleman I'm sure you are.

It better to try then to never at all

[expat2009]

I don't think it's a bad idea to talk to her, but I'm not sure if it's a great idea to tell her how you feel--not yet anyway.

My suggestion:
Tell her you're sorry--that you don't want her to get the wrong impression of you because you are not the kind of guy that sleeps around. I mean you are single, so it's allowed. I wouldn't tell her my feelings though--might be too soon. This way you will show that you care what she thinks about you and look like a gentleman--sort of anyway. At the same time she will see that other chicks are interested in you so there's definitely something you can offer. Chicks don't like a player, but they are attracted to men who are sought after.

[kctiger]

Where are you from? This story sounds fairly familiar to me... just curious.

[belightingguy]

I think you guys are probably right. I've been kind of feeling like I needed to apologize.. somehow. Expat, I think your advice is very good. I can let her know I care about her opinion of me, and at the same time apologize. Maybe I'll do that and then see how the conversation pans out. Thanks. And KC, I don't live anywhere near Kansas City... much further west. That would be too weird if you knew some of the parties involved!

[HistorianChick]

Honestly, what do you have to lose? Its better to confront the issue and go for broke, as it were, and maybe start the relationship of your dreams, then to suppress feelings of guilt and interest.

Just be honest with her... :) Best of luck!

[talaniman]

Your whole post is full of assuming, and presuming, how another feels. Your guilt over having sex with an ex is just you blowing things way out of proportion, and what explanation do you owe any one for your actions. You need to let all that go for now, and see it as your own business, without all the guilt.

Your social circle is a little to tight if all your romantic interests are in it, and privy to your private life like that.