[browncouch]

Hey everyone, I have just been reading through the posts on this forum and found a lot of it very conforting and helpful. I'm pretty sure I know the advice I'll be given, but I just thought I'd post my situation anyway to let others know they aren't alone and maybe get some comforting words from your beautiful souls.

So here's the (relatively) quick story: I was with my girlfriend for a little over 8 years. We lived together. We started dating after high school and both went to the same college so we kept our relationship going there. Two months after being at school, she cheated on me by having a relationship with someone who dorms there. This was my first relationship and it hurt me really bad. I was so pathetic begging for her back and feeling alone. It's true that the first cut is the deepest. So she ended things with that guy, and we got back together. If I had the sense to end it then, I would be a much happier man right now. I'm not the type of person to get over that betrayal easily and I never really 100% wanted to marry her because of what she did. Even though she did it when she was young and we had so many great years after, I still could not forget it. And we were so happy for the next several years. One big problem in the relationship and another reason we never got married is because my parents hated her for what she did and never forgave her. I was angry at them because they didn't forgive her in order to make me happy, since she made me happy. In retrospect, my mother was right on the money when she said "once a cheater, always a cheater". Other relatives of mine have forgiven her, like my cousins. She has been living with me for the last 3.5 years and you can probably consider the four years of college living together as well. I have many years invested in this woman, she was my best friend and my partner in life. Almost a third of our lives together.

I guess we kind of got in a rut and feeling too comfortable with each other and it kind of turned into a roommate relationship toward the end. She didn't like that my parents disliked her, but she was dealing with it. It started bothering her more and more toward the end of our relationship. I totally understand her point there and she stayed with me despite this, which I loved her even more for. Toward the end of our relationship, she would complain about me not paying attention to what she says, not doing the little things for her like making her dinner and tea. I was wrong for not keeping the relationship as sizzling as it was in the beginning. After a stressful, long day at work, I don't always want to do a lot of things. I guess couples that are together that long often get comfortable and take the other for granted. Not saying its right, but it happens. I didn't love her any less, though. In retrospect, I did a lot of annoying things, but I loved her more than anyone else. I don't think I deserved what came next.

Anyway, our relationship recently ended because I found out through reading her email that she cheated on me TWICE in the past 1.5 years. I was very suspisous at this point, because she was being rude and cold to me for no apparent reason. I'm not the jealous type, but I really had a feeling something wasn't right. I found out about both at the same time.The first was with a co-worker 12 years older. We also moved across county in between for my job during this time. After the move and after her finding another job, she cheated on me again with her boss 30 years older than her (the same age as her dad, and the boss has a daughter her age). Not to be ageist or anything, it's not for me, but to each their own.. I guess she's prone to get involved with men at work. The emails to the first guy has her professing her love for him and wanting to have his baby and marry him. Both were emotional relationships and not just "flings". Reading this was like a knife in my heart and I got lightheaded and very sick. Emotions like this turn into physical pain and you feel it all over your body. I was very worried about my health, but got that checked out and hopefully nothing pops up.

So here I am a week after we broke up. It happened just before the new year. I told her to pack her stuff and go. I didn't even want to let her into the house at first, but I decided to try to handle it with class and let her go. She appreciated this and said I was being a gentleman. BUT, when I got back to the empty house yesterday, it was much worse. To see her stuff gone makes me feel so empty and is making me cry as I write this message. I miss her so much, but I also hate her for what she did to me. I haven't been alone in a long time. I was with family and friends over the holidays, and I was coping much better when I was with them. They are a good drive away now, so I just talk to them by phone and online. So after being in the empty house, my mind is thinking about a million things, wondering about her. So I get this idea to look up the boss's address and go to see if she is there. Of course, I see her car parked there. This makes me even crazier and I held myself back from going to the front door and confronting them. They aren't worth me going to jail or losing my job. So I begin texting very nasty messages calling her all kinds of things. I even called, but she didn't pick up. She texted back and said that he is just letting her stay there with his daughter and that she moves into her new apartment soon. She also said that it is creepy for me to look for her car and "please leave me alone". This is true, but it hurt even more and adds insult to my injury. But I did it to myself. I lost the class and dignity that I was trying to show. I will leave her alone. I really need to stop thinking about her, because this is turning me into a pathetic, spineless, loser and that isn't who I am or want to become. It makes me sick to see myself acting like this, but I can't help it. I shouldn't care what she's doing, I should be saying good riddance and moving on, but it isn't that easy. I care about what happens to her for some reason, still. My mind always goes back to missing her and wondering about her. I have to try to stay strong and websites like this are very helpful. There are very wise people here.

Anyway, I'm going to stop contacting her, as hard as that will be. I will try to pick up the pieces, start exercising, and staying busy at work. I don't have many friends here outside of work because I spent all my time with her and I have no family close by. I wasn't the perfect man during the relationship, but I was faithful, loyal, and loved her as best as I could. My relationship with my parents is strained because of her, but they still love me and just wanted the best for me. I am confident that my relationship with them can be repaired. I hope I can rebuild my confidence, and strength while being alone. It's an uncertain road, but I pray that I can find the strength in time. Thanks for reading and for your thoughts. I will follow up in a few months.

[HistorianChick]

You will find the strength that you need to carry you through this time. You've taken the first step to "healing"... posting on this site is amazingly cathartic and strangely freeing.

You'll find support and comfort here on AMHD... I, personally, am proud of you for making this hard decision for your welfare.

You can do this. You can make it. You're going to be OK.

It's the broken pieces of glass, when melted together, that form the most beautiful mosaics...

If you don't shed tears, how can your heart have the rainbow of promise of a new day, a new outlook, and a new dream?

:) Best of luck! :)

[JBeaucaire]

8 years together means up to a year of "getting over her", so hunker down and get through it. That's a lot of history to put on the shelf, but it's doable, especially seeing as how she undermined so much of the value of those memories with her betrayal.

Keep her actions in mind when you start to pine after her.

[chuff]

As another guy I'm telling you to cry as much as you want. Do not keep the pain in and interalize it. Never let her see that, but if it helps you do it.

Now, welcome to the rest of your life. I know that this just words to you, but getting rid of her was the best thing for you. This woman can't commit to you, and she used you for her permanent back up plan. Getting rid of her was the best thing for you in the long run. Right now you are feeling some growing pains, because you yourself are growing and that pain will be temporary but the result will be worth it.

As for general break up advice, read the sticky's and then read them again.

[itried]

This girl sounds like a total loser. Sorry to say that but I think deep down you know its true. For the time being you will still care about her and hate her at the same time and that is totally natural and this feeling will pass. But just think hard: Do you really, really want her back after what she has done? She definitely doesn't care about you. I'm guessing that you're just getting adjusted to being alone after such a long time and that is probably the hardest part.

She cheated on you two times and that is totally inexcusable. Also, these guys probably don't really want to be with her because they will be thinking that she is going to be unfaithful to them as well. I know I probably wouldn't want to be with a girl if I could easily displace her from a long term relationship. This says a lot about her character and these older, more experienced men know it. Most likely, she is being used and doesn't even know it. Take solace in that and forget about this broad.

[JBeaucaire]

Try not to hate her, though. That's almost as hard to put behind you as love is.

In your mind and heart you need to wish her well and not harbor or nurture any feelings at all towards her any longer, neither good nor bad feelings... none.

[a la king]

From reading your post I can see that you have a good head on your shoulders. You're very realistic and see the flaws and benefits to who you are. I congratulate you on this. It's not easy... You will hit some bumpy areas along the way. But deep, deep down you know you're better than that. Hell, you're handling yourself better than I handled my breakup... and I'm older! :)

You know this already... but don't contact her... don't check where she is because it's totally going to p!ss you off even more.

Goodluck on your new journey. It will be both scary and great... Try and look forward to it!

[browncouch]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the kindness and the bluntness. The comment about her character is accurate. It's amazing how good of a deceiver she is. To look someone in the eyes and lie repeatedly and for so long. I will try not to hate her. I'm trying to handle myself as best as I can. I guess the first time made me stronger to take the pain.

The boss is a slime ball. I never would have suspected him because of his age, and I let him into my home and he drank my drinks and I never questioned her about that relationship. I was used and played for a fool. My trust was used against me. I am a believer that karma will be much worse than I could ever be to them both. I wonder if he would want HIS daughter with a man that much older... I think itried is right on the money too.

[chuff]

the boss is a slime ball.

I know what you are saying and I don't disagree, but place the blame on the one who deserves it. Your ex. She's the slimeball that let it happen. Do not give her an out.

i was used and played for a fool. my trust was used against me.

Stop it. You are no fool. You are a good man, and SHE had no idea how handle one or deal with one. I know your in pain but now is the time you have earned to place blame on the feet of the one who deserves it. Her. Nobody else. Her. She F'ed up. Don't make excuses for her, don't let love blind you. She's a whore, and she doesn't deserve you. Not the other way around.