[aras1989]

Hello,
I'm in a dilemma and hope I can get some unbiased advice. I have been married 10 years now, no children. We have always fought over money (he seems to spend it, whether we have it or not-using credit cards). After many years of this and other things such as his binge drinking, and all the threats of leaving, I finally left in December. Recently I came back because he said he would do anything to make it work.

His job is a seasonal job as he is in construction. I told him I wasn't going to deal with his being laid off in the winter months and only depending on unemployment checks during that time. ( I do work full time and now also picked up a part-time job). This has not changed and I don't see him trying to change it. All I get is "don't even go there". Recently work has been slow so he's been on & off for work (more off than on). This of course is leading to money fights.

I have transferred his credit card twice ($5,400 & $3,600) to a lower interest rated one to try to get it paid off. When I came back this time, it was agreed that we needed to get out of debt. So we transferred another $3,600 to a lower rate card. There was only $115 left on it. Because I don't trust him about money, I called on his cc and in just over 30 days there is now $1800 on it! Our property taxes have not even been paid yet. I just paid 2004 taxes this last Feb out of an inheritance from my grandmother, which is now gone.

He wants to go on a trip to Alaska with another couple because this is the last year his good friend will be up there. I said "no way, there is no money, we have bills & stuff that need to be taken care of 1st". He said he was going to go whether I went or not. Well the tickets are bought and he knows I'm not happy at all.

I'm at my wits end. There are times I look at him & I think "I don't even like u". I feel we have changed, our priorities have changed and he doesn't. We're both 35, we do want kids, but would we ever be able to afford it? I think about leaving again & then I think "do I really wana start over with some one else?"

There are many more things wrong also, but too long to get into. I know I'm not perfect. I'm tired of worrying about money, being a b---- about everying. I feel like I'm the only responsible party in this relationship.

Is this all worth it?

TIA, Aras

[valinors_sorrow]

Thank you for posting. I will try to be as unbiased as possible. Many times when couples rack up dept and subsequently argue about money, its not really about the money as strange as that sounds. I heard Oprah is doing a huge series of shows about it just now from my friends (I don't watch tv) so you could look up her site and check out this idea I am proposing to you. I have seen it be something else other than the money again and again. The money becomes the method of priviledging and punishing; it's a symptom of the enormous frustration of the other unsolved problem, a problem that eventually went underground, if it ever got talked about at all.

Money is a metaphor for power and successful relationships call for the power to be shared in some mutually agreed upon method. You are lacking mutual agreement of even the most basic kind from what your post suggests and that is about relationship more than money in itself.

If you two are serious about getting it solved, you may need to get at what it is first and that may take some professional help. And the first shocking thing you may learn is each of you has a part in it and what that part is. I know that is difficult to hear when it feels like he is making all the trouble and you are trying to get the both of you out of trouble. Please keep an open mind and try not to focus on who is right or wrong so much. Focus instead on what works and doesn't work. With that kind of focus, its easier to see that you both aren't working out so well in this relationship - granted its from two diffferent perspectives but that then allows you both to see you do have common ground and then maybe you can be on the same side to work it out.

Bear in mind that it takes two to heal it and only one to end it. So the question is do either of you still have enough love, respect, patience and trust to take this to a professional?

You ask if its worth it? With or without the professional help, with or without the relationship healing or ending, it is always worth it to learn what one's part in something really is simply so one does not have to set up similar circumstances to again have the opportunity to learn it.

I hope this helps.

[talaniman]

If he will not go to counceling with you its time to leave again and discuss things with a lawyer. It sounds like you have been enabling his irresponsible behavior by covering his debts. Canceling the credit cards and removing your name from his may wake him up but after 10 years? You can't change him unless that is what he wants. Give him space alone to make up his mind while you get yourself together.

[CaptainForest]

So sad…..

Your husband WON'T change unless he wants to.

You left him once…good job on that.

Now, leave him again, and this time…DON'T come back.

Go to a lawyer, and move on.

Starting over is scary, but you will be much happier.

During the winter months when he has no job, he should get off his *** and get a job at McDonald's or whatever, something to earn some money.

Point is he is happy being in debt and will never change,

Move on, you will do better without this guy holding you back.